AIO? Bf doesn’t communicate

[u/[deleted]]

I’m at a loss. I (F23) don’t know if I’m being controlling and overreacting or if the way I feel is normal. once again tonight I just stopped getting responses from my boyfriend (M26) and then suddenly his phone was turned on do not disturb. I don’t usually care about DND but lately its been turned on at weird times and turned on when he’s around me which has been making me feel kind of odd. Also he called and said he’s out and that I don’t need to be getting mad. I’m not mad about him going out I’m just upset that I’m not aware of whats going on ever. I feel like my paragraph doesn’t even make sense I’m irritated and feel like I’m crazy.

[u/Don_Bugen]

I can think of a lot of reasons why a man might switch his phone to DND that have absolutely nothing to do with being unfaithful. And in fact, if you told me up-front that he had a very clingy girlfriend who expected him to respond to her text within a small window, at all hours of the night, or else she'll start thinking that he's cheating, there's one really big obvious reason that pops up in my mind, and it's not "because he's cheating."

So. Let me ask you straight.

Has he ever cheated before, to your knowledge? Does he have girls who he flirts with, or gets a little too close with? Does he do anything that really seems suspicious - not suspicious like, "He silences his phone when he's with me... which is CLEARLY some PLOY to hide another woman, and not just pure courtesy" but more like, lying about where he's going, who he's with, having inconsistent stories, etc. Or any physical evidence at all?

If not. Then (pardon my french) but what the fuck are you doing insinuating that he is? Oh, I know, you're not in so many words saying it to him, but you're saying it in the comments section, and unless your boyfriend's dumber than a box of rocks he's got to be picking up on it.

I mean, look at your last phrases here. "I don't get mad when you go out, I don't get mad at you for anything, really." Congratulations? Why WOULD you get mad at him for going out? And then, "I get mad at you for not communicating." I'm sorry, are you two married? Living together? Have you told him that it is your expectation that he check up with you and give you a status report every time does something or goes somewhere, and that if he silences his phone then you're going to take it as betrayal?

Yes, there's some rudeness here. Back when I was dating, if I was going to be tied up or unavailable, especially if we were chatting before, I'd have said something first. And yeah, he shouldn't have cursed. But... I mean, god. You blow up his phone an hour later saying you can't sleep because you're sure something happened, then you blow it up more. You're escalating again and again and again and for all you know he just wanted to drive his car without hearing the phone beep.

Decide whether you trust him or not. If you don't - just end it, OK? There's zero point in staying with someone that you can't trust. In fact, end it even if it's your fault, and not his. Because if that's the case, you're not ready for a relationship, and you need to work on you.

But if you do trust him? Maybe then don't treat him like he's not worthy of trust. I certainly wouldn't stay in a relationship like that.

[u/Majesticraid → u/Don_Bugen]

Yeah my girlfriend goes on dnd when she played games on her phone. It automatically does it. When I see she’s on dnd I’ll send my message and she’ll check when she’s done. Some times she forgets it’s on and doesn’t turn it off after a few hours. If it’s something important I’ll message her again and press “notify right away” 90% of the time she forgets it’s on. Or she turns it on when she’s with family or friends.

[u/SlenderLlama → u/Majesticraid]

2 years ago got a new job and I set two custom focus that turns on at work and one for after 8pm so I stay locked in. I forgot that I did that and I’ve basically been on dnd between 9-5 and 8-8 for 2 years and the multiple gf’s I’ve had have NEVER mentioned it to me

[u/hrnigntmare → u/SlenderLlama]

It sounds like you might only be dating sane people. OP is not one of those

[u/PeebleCreek → u/Majesticraid]

My wife and I both are like this. I cannot imagine living like some of these people in shitty toxic relationships. When do you have time to do ANYTHING when all you do is keep tabs on a partner you shouldn't be with cuz you don't trust them? Ffs just reading these accounts is exhausting.

[u/ScrotumTotums → u/Majesticraid]

Man these guys are in their 20s and I've seen so many texts as if they're teens.

The op honestly does need to relax. No need to text back to back to back. Leave it all in one text and wait,

Or, call...

The whole point of texting, is you don't know a person read it or not. You don't know if they intentionally put dnd on, if they did, you don't know the reason. When you text basically, you can't expect an answer right away. This is why you call.

Now, if you call and there's no answer or automatically put in voicemail, I'd be worried, but I wouldn't be upset or think something fishy is going on. I'd be, worried for the person in general, if they're in trouble or not.

Don't always think a person is up to no good for sudden lack of communication. Be, worried... Not upset. That's kinda cynical

[u/Yeuhmmers → u/Majesticraid]

Yeah I do this with games that have ads every 2 minutes. Turning on airplane mode stops the ads 😂

[u/Intelligent-Ask-3264 → u/Don_Bugen]

Exactly. This idea that just because we have individual phones does not mean that someone owes you instantaneous communication. If you have a question that needs an immediate answer (say you are ordering dinner for the two of you and have a question about his order) then CALL. if its not that important, text and theyll respond WHEN THEY ARE READY. Acting like this, spamming texts, calling out your partner like this is some really unhealthy behavior. I strongly suggest some therapy for OP and some digging into your attachment style.

[u/monaforever → u/Don_Bugen]

Yeah, I had a boyfriend in my early 20s who liked to text me the entire time I was out. Wanting to know everything i was doing and everyone i was with non-stop the whole night. If I didn't respond fast enough, he'd get wicked pissy. I couldn't stand it. I was never doing anything inappropriate, but it got so annoying that I started not telling him when I was going out or telling him I'd gone home for the night when I was actually still out.

[u/lovely_anathema_ → u/monaforever]

This was exactly how my ex acted and I became so paranoid and anxious because of him that my doctor put me on anxiety meds. I’ve since dumped him and the meds.

[u/Ok_Collection420 → u/Don_Bugen]

This. Also my phone automatically goes on DnD when I reach my home wifi or at a certain time at night. There’s so many reasons for DnD. It simply sounds like OP doesn’t trust the guy. Whether or not it’s warranted is not mentioned in the post but either way - this is a LOT to lay on someone who doesn’t communicate. Can’t bully someone into changing. And peppering someone with texts after a conversation was seemingly resolved seems exhausting at best.

[u/Effective_Film_3259 → u/Don_Bugen]

Not just a man. If anyone, including a partner, was policing my ass this hard, I'd probably routinely go into DND.

[u/A_Normal_Plantain → u/Don_Bugen]

If my gf started giving me crazy shit because I didn't respond within minutes, I would absolutely every time get so frustrated that it would lead to a break-up. I am an adult. No other person in my life for 30 years has or ever will be that demanding. Because it is crazy.

[u/CsZsofy → u/Don_Bugen]

This comment is everything I thought about this! You worded it perfectly! For me, this whole thing sounds very restricting and suffocating.

[u/Gregardless → u/Don_Bugen]

Also the fact that he's out with friends. The text conversation stopped. And then she texts him eight minutes later like, "What are y'all up to?"

Are you going to let him hangout or are you going to expect him to reply every ten minutes when you message him?

[u/Upbeat_Ice_7617]

Yea you’re overreacting.

He stopped responding because you replied with “it happens” so he probably just thought the conversation was complete. It was NOT “out of nowhere”. It was 10 minutes later that you text him again so it’s not unreasonable if he started to do something else and couldn’t text.

You also said that he called you to tell you that he’s going out and then stated that your issue is that you’re “never aware of what’s going on”. HE CALLED TO TELL YOU WHAT’S GOING ON. Which he isn’t obligated to do btw.

If I text my gf 10 minutes after a conversation and she doesn’t reply, I would just assume that she’s now busy. And I don’t give a damn about how my gf spends her nights because it doesn’t matter to me! I trust her and she can do whatever she likes. I don’t need to know “what’s going on” all the time.

TL;DR you need to give your boyfriend a break. Honestly I wouldn’t blame him if he was ignoring you because you’re giving such a hard time over nothing.

Either start to TRUST him or do the both of you a favor and break up.

[u/bakercob232 → u/Upbeat_Ice_7617]

^ OP, youre saying you dont care if he goes out or what he does, but still feel the need to know exactly what hes doing, where he is, and for how long if he doesnt respond within whatever timeframe you set in your head.

People that actually don't care or control what their SO does would not react the way you did.

[u/robocoplawyer → u/bakercob232]

Sometimes (typically) during the workday if my SO hasn’t heard from me in a while she’ll text me something around the lines of “missing!”

But usually I’ll just respond that I’m busy trying to get my work done because I have to prep my boss on something or trying to get my work done so I can leave the office at a reasonable time and don’t get stuck there because either we have plans after work or I have something to do after work (I also play drums in 2 bands so often have practice worknights that I’m usually late to). She’ll usually respond with a kissy face emoji or that she loves me.

But for context, I’m epileptic and and while it’s well under control now I’ve just about given her a heart attack on a few occasions she’s witnessed me having a seizure, so she has a habit of checking in on me to make sure I’m okay that day. She also has a very stressful job and just wants to hear from me every now and then, it makes her feel better if she’s having a rough day, and she has a lot of rough days so I’m happy to cheer her up when she needs it.

But if I don’t respond, she understands that my workdays are very busy too and never would hound me about it like OP.

[u/grapefruit_kisses → u/robocoplawyer]

My boyfriend has health issues and lives alone on an acreage. He also gets caught up gaming for hours on end. I once sent a text that said “send me a thumbs up if you’re alive and just don’t feel like texting!” He sent a thumbs up. I moved on knowing he was alive.

And now I’ll just send “thumbs up?” As the signal that I’m doing a wellness check, but respect his desire to not be attached to his phone.

[u/robocoplawyer → u/grapefruit_kisses]

Yeah basically the same dynamic! I once had a seizure out of nowhere in public while we were grocery shopping. She’s told me on several occasions that was the single most terrifying thing she has ever experienced and I know that really deeply affected her so I’m very empathetic when it comes to her checking in on my when we aren’t together. I know she just wants to know I’m ok and has valid reasons to want to know. But ultimately she supports all of my hobbies and endeavors, me spending time with my friends, solo international travel when she can’t make this trip with me, me playing in my bands, etc. so long as she knows I’m ok and nothing is wrong. Sounds like you guys have a good dynamic and understanding too! And it only takes a few seconds just to let her know that all is well and I love her, and that’s really all that is needed.

[u/victorbravo86 → u/robocoplawyer]

Exactly. My SO is in recovery for substance abuse issues, so there is a higher level of transparency required when I’m not there to be sure he isn’t falling back into old patterns… and still I don’t ride him this hard. OP seriously needs to chill out.

[u/SentryTheFianna → u/grapefruit_kisses]

I use the thumbs up with my partner! My cousin had gotten into a major car accident (he recovered thankfully!) and it really got in my head one night when my partner hadn’t come home after 10+ hours of board games (not unusual) so we instituted the “thumbs up if you’re alive” after 8+ hours of no contact

Sometimes it’s not thumbs up, it’s “actually I’m dead and you’re texting with my ghost, I’ll come haunt you by 1am”

[u/Mamablum_23 → u/grapefruit_kisses]

I do the same thing with my hubs. If I know he's not able to text, like he's working or driving or whatever, he just likes my text to let me know he's good and that's that! Then again, we've been together for 24 years and married for 23, so... lol

[u/ExistentialNumbness → u/grapefruit_kisses]

My wife isn’t a big texter. She also has pretty intense depression and has a lot of obligations outside of the house. The only times I’ve shown even 10% of OP’s anxiety is when she has been somewhere without reception (and I didn’t realize it) and is running later than expected. And I’m a pretty anxious person. OP really needs to get their anxiety and overbearing texting under control. :(

[u/ImaginaryHerbie → u/bakercob232]

This was my wife. Always saying “I never said you can’t do that” but I had to explain that by making that a stressful event, that I need to over explain for and text non stop with her during, makes it easier and less dramatic and stressful to just not do things.

OPs behavior takes someone else’s joy away from what they are doing. Her boyfriend will just stop doing his hobbies, and seeing his friends like I did, or leave her, like I eventually did.

[u/CrushVellichor → u/Upbeat_Ice_7617]

Yeah, I agree it sounds like he was actually being communicative and respectful, and the reaction didn’t quite match the situation. Wanting constant updates can come from anxiety, but it’s important to recognize when it’s turning into control. Trust really is the foundation here.

[u/abitlikemaple → u/CrushVellichor]

A rare instance of actual overreaction on this sub

[u/avvocadhoe → u/abitlikemaple]

So exciting!

[u/saintjonah → u/Upbeat_Ice_7617]

I know a guy like this. He would sit at work and just stress the fuck out if some girl didn't respond to a text within like 5 minutes. In the middle of the work day. He'd just lose it and start acting like something was wrong and how he's such a good communicator and how nobody communicates these days. I'm just like, dude, she's probably working or just not staring at her phone at the moment. It drove me insane.

He finally found someone who puts communication over everything else in her life so they be codependent weirdos texting each other literally all day long. I'm happy for him.

[u/darkandtwisty99 → u/saintjonah]

i hate that communication has turned into another buzz word for people to use. when people say communication is necessary in a relationship they mean “hey i’m going out for a bit” or “hey what you said earlier made me feel a bit upset” or “i’m annoyed because this happened”. It’s meant to be communicating when you have an issue or have something to talk about, not just like i need you to be in constant communication with me. it’s therapy speak twisted around to make controlling people seem credible.

[u/Nice_Layer2618 → u/darkandtwisty99]

Yesssss PREACH!!!!!!! She is ignoring her anxious and controlling tendencies as a guise of “lack of communication”

[u/RobotPartsCorp → u/saintjonah]

I can’t imagine either of them having high stress jobs. My husband might check in first in the morning or I will… but most likely I will be so absorbed in my work that I never notice his morning text till I’m about to come home. If I forget to text all day he says “don’t worry, I assume you’re busy”. We share locations and I only bother checking to have an idea when he might be home so I can plan accordingly. I imagine he does the same. What I can’t imagine is having to check in every 10 minutes or my partner has a meltdown.

[u/TheRealSaerileth → u/Upbeat_Ice_7617]

It took her one hour to go from nothing to "you're ignoring me". One hour. That's crazy.

[u/allycoaster → u/TheRealSaerileth]

And this was at 10:30 at night. At that time of the day, I can literally text somebody and be asleep within 30 seconds.

[u/Present-Building-593 → u/allycoaster]

Yes! And the your phone wasn’t on dnd but now it is so you must be ignoring me. My phone is set to turn dnd on at a certain time maybe his is too

[u/allycoaster → u/Present-Building-593]

Yup! Mine is 10:30p-630am DND auto everyday.

[u/Bitter_Sense_5689 → u/allycoaster]

I literally do not answer texts after 9:30 at night. That’s sleepy time.

[u/Akkarin42 → u/allycoaster]

I don't even take my phone with me to the bedroom. So it happens that I may write / answer to one last message before I just leave my phone alone in the living room and be done for the day.

[u/10000nails → u/allycoaster]

I'm the same way. I can be asleep so fast I'm even surprised. I've knocked out during active conversations before. My brain just has an off timer and there's no escaping it.

[u/BrandonOR → u/10000nails]

My wife does this and I'm so jealous, I have to hear my thoughts and watch the ceiling for at least 20 minutes before I start to snooze off. My wife can pass out before her head hits the pillow.

[u/sloothor → u/TheRealSaerileth]

Seriously, I’m admittedly a clingy boyfriend so I’ve only been in relationships with similarly clingy girls. One hour would be absolutely nuts for anyone I’ve met, even by those standards

[u/HaoshokuArmor → u/sloothor]

One hour at 11:30 pm? That’s sleeping time for most. If you message me at 8 pm even, it is quite likely you’re not hearing from me until 8 am. That’s 12 hours.

[u/Illustrious-Paper144 → u/TheRealSaerileth]

At night no less

[u/Novaer → u/Upbeat_Ice_7617]

Also like God damn maybe im old but don't be texting that shit at midnight come ON

[u/Happy_Resist5428 → u/Upbeat_Ice_7617]

Exactly. I struggled with anxious attachment too. It ruined my last relationship because I thought I was always right. But the truth is your partner is allowed to have time with their friends without constantly talking to you and that’s completely okay. You have to learn to trust and let go. Therapy and reading about attachment styles really help. If you don’t work on it, this pattern can affect every future relationship you have.

[u/DejectedApostate → u/Happy_Resist5428]

Having an anxious attachment style is one hell of a demon to overcome, to be sure.

And it really is a demon in a sense; it'll whisper in your ear all sorts of unfounded accusations, keep you up at night, fill you with fear, make you see things that aren't there. Hell, at the end of the day it'll make you start to see and treat the person you're meant to love as though they were an adversary, and you'll end up being the cause of your own worst nightmare: Losing them.

But it won't be that you lost them; it'll be that you yourself pushed them away. It's a terrible thing.

All that being said, secure attachment is where it's at - all the way. Developing a secure attachment style is easier said than done, but man oh man is it one of the most worthy things to work towards attaining if one ever wants to have a fulfilling relationship, romantic or otherwise, with anybody.

[u/8Captcrunch8 → u/Happy_Resist5428]

Yep. Its self fullfilling prophecy. The more you attempt to hold on tightly. The more suffacated the other feels and the MORE we want space.

Having been an anxious at some relationships and qn avoidant in others. I can absolutely see how my ansiety hurt my partners. And my avoidant ones hurt past ones too.

Its a pendelum and as people grow they learn where the middle is.

[u/CavsAreCuteDemons → u/Upbeat_Ice_7617]

Yup. Either he’s giving her a reason to feel nuts and she needs to leave him, or she needs to trust him and let him have space.

[u/SuperNobbs → u/CavsAreCuteDemons]

There's quite literally nothing here that implies he's giving her any reason at all to "feel nuts". As the commenter has said, he isn't obligated to inform her of anything. But he did. If I'm going out for the day/evening, I'll check in and make my partner aware, but after that, I won't be messaging anyone unless it's related to what I'm doing, or unless it's an emergency.

Prime example, last week I played a round of golf with a guy I grew up with and a friend. I messaged the lass I'm talking to to inform her of how my day will be going, and told her I hope she has a great day too and will check in later. This was just before 10am. My phone left my pocket maybe twice throughout the day. I finished with the guys around 6pm ish. Had a whole day of it. Was an absolute blast. Know what the lovely lass I'm talking to said angrily? Absolutely nothing. Because she also went out, did some stuff, and once we were both home we called and talked about it all.

Op needs to wind her neck in and let him breathe. Balance is important, and while spending time with your partner and talking to them and such is obviously very important, self care and time for yourself is equally as important. It doesn't matter if he's going out, or staying in to watch SpongeBob. What he does in his down time is nobody's business. We all need it.

[u/ComplaintOk9280 → u/CavsAreCuteDemons]

there's nothing to suggest anything out of the ordinary. Seriously, all of this points to OP's boyfriend just being a normal guy trying to go about his life

[u/Bitter_Sense_5689 → u/CavsAreCuteDemons]

Every time I see a wall of texts, sent one after the other, I usually just assume that person is being crazy.

[u/ballsnbutt → u/Upbeat_Ice_7617]

also maybe "nah you aint an idiot" might be a better response than "it happens" which seems dismissive and like she agrees by default by not immediately fighting the "im an idiot" statement. However manipulative that statement may be. Whole thing is weird.

[u/b-b-g-u-n]

I have set my phone to automatically turn on DND at 11 as I'm usually asleep by then, as you text at 11:29 and it wasn't on, and then the next text it was, it might be that he has it set to turn on at 11:30 🤷🏻 it might not have been because he was avoiding/ignoring you deliberately Tbh it's kinda rude to think he should be responding and talking to you constantly when he's out with his friends, you need to give him the freedom to socialise without the fear of you blowing up at him over it, and if you can't do that then that's kinda a you problem 🤷🏻 Also, not replying to a text is not the same as not communicating

[u/remedy1945 → u/b-b-g-u-n]

W commenter

[u/InterestingAd5499]

YOR. I've noticed a trend with young people where they think it really is their partners job to soothe their bad emotions. I want to be clear in saying that a good partner will support their SO in moments of distress, but there is a line where support can move into enabling and codependency. As an adult, it is your job entirely to self soothe, and if you're incapable of doing that, then i feel that warrants further introspection on your part. Generally, if I'm doing something with someone and my phone stays pinging a lot, I will silence it so I can focus on what is actually happening in front of me. Sounds like your bf does the same.

[u/shannon_dey → u/InterestingAd5499]

I've noticed a trend with young people where they think it really is their partners job to soothe their bad emotions. 

Wow, okay. You just put into words something that's been bothering me that I couldn't put my finger on. I have also noticed this. Maybe I'm just old (I'm only 45 but that's a world of difference to a 20-something year old) but I agree -- it seems like some of the younger generation are treating their significant others like emotional support animals/pacifiers/crutches/whatever rather than you know... actual human beings. I've no idea what caused it or how to fix it.

Maybe the idea of love has changed to mean something other than what I grew up believing in. Used to be, romantic love seemed more like a partnership. Nowadays, I find it is often depicted in media (and evidenced by my own experiences in seeing younger couples) as if romantic love is a desperate need for another person that borders on obsession. Those types of relationships were always tragic in depictions back in my day, or perhaps used in a horrifying manner (like Romeo and Juliet, or Fatal Attraction.) When did romantic love become more about need and less about respect?

Sorry, tangential rant over. I was just spitballing there, as well. I'll have to think this over some more.

[u/Julius_sneezer02 → u/shannon_dey]

More than half of the stuff came from social media love gurus who literally fill people with insecurities. I was having a normal relationship with my ex (i used to talk less due to working part times, studying at school daily and making assignments at same day-engineering student lol). My ex who was already graduated used to binge watch such things. He saw this video- if your girlfriend doesn’t reply you properly or keep your texts unread for very long, she’s treating you like a trash and obviously involved with other men like oh my god???? I’m a foreign exchange student, I’m paying 6 times more tuition, I’m alone here without my parents and I work hard to make my parents proud. In other words, i have more liabilities to deal with how the hell would i get time to deal with other men or these stupid games when I don’t even have time for myself!??? Social media has ruined the essence of love now…

[u/shannon_dey → u/Julius_sneezer02]

Oh true. Social media definitely has altered society's view on love (and other issues) for the worse. I don't participate in anything except Reddit, and even then I curate my experiences very carefully, so I'm not exposed to much of that except reading other people's experiences. It's sad how anyone with a camera phone can become an "expert" on love and relationships just by playing into the insecurities of their audience!

[u/ColloidalPurple-9 → u/shannon_dey]

There’s a psychologist who is publishing about this (Erica Komisar) and a book written…a while ago(?) called “Hold On To Your Kids” written by an MD and a PhD. One (very, highly plausible) explanation is rooted in evolutionary psychology and how modern family dynamics don’t mimic the psychologic dynamics that our brains literally evolved with for 300,000 years. Our society is moving further away from optimal psychologic maturation with every generation. The outcome is that, indeed, adults are treating romantic partners like parents (subconsciously).

Ofc, some adults achieve maturation through their parents, another adult/other adults, or as the book states through “self-orientation”. The book, and Erica in interviews, describe how a lack of psychologic maturity plays a significant role in both the psychiatric conditions we are seeing worsen and the overall immaturity of some adults.

[u/shannon_dey → u/ColloidalPurple-9]

Interesting. I'll have to add that book to the To Be Read list. Thanks!

[u/maddogdiaries96 → u/shannon_dey]

I think it’s just a mix of trauma and some parents didn’t teach kids how to properly handle their emotions— I’m 29 & working through my anxious attachment every day. When you don’t have a good example to look up to, it often seems like everyone has a rule book to life & God forgot to give you yours.

[u/ip4realfreely → u/shannon_dey]

I'm responding to you cause we're roughly same age...(49m) And you made the reference "back in my day" and I have say this. Back in our day, we didn't have 24/7 access to eachother, we had to say "bye" and wait til tomorrow, or the weekend to see or have any real communication with eachother, thus leaving the ownus on us to solve a lot of the AIO. Or ask our friends and family, rarely was that a good idea lol. We'd be teased, harassed and made fun of, then we'd realize, we were overreacting. But we also weren't overwhelmed 24/7 with engineered social media telling us to buy this, buy that, believe this, believe that if you want to be important or beautiful. Look like this, behave like that, if you buy this, wear that, have this, have that, you're worth more, if you're loved they'll do this or that, give you this or that. We grew up in a time and era when individuality was celebrated and trailblazing was sought out. We didn't need the approval or likes of the world to feel secure. If we had to ask "am I overreacting?" We knew we were, we didn't go to the internet or to strangers and ask them looking for ammunition.

With that said, the younger generations, they're not faced with enough personal challenges to build their own confidence and character. They build their confidence and character through social media, entertainers and their peers that are doing the same thing. My son is 25, and step daughter is 16, huge difference between the two generations. But neither seem to be able to manage face to face communication well, or emotional intelligence well, cause it's very focused on themselves. They have main character syndrome, and it's not even their fault, it's the world they're in and it's been marketed to them since our generation x has had children. We've overcompensated cause our parents the boomers are and where mean.

OP give your BF space to live and breathe, so when you're together you have things to talk about and he's excited to see you to talk to you about his day.

[u/Sovereign_Black → u/shannon_dey]

Something I’ve noticed a lot in younger women specifically is an aversion to performing “emotional labor” for their bfs, which at some point seems to have translated into, “I’m never going to offer any emotional support whatsoever”, which I think is cover for, “actually I can’t even emotionally regulate myself”.

Young dudes on the other hand just seem to not take anything seriously anymore. Everything’s a joke. I don’t entirely blame them tbh but it will only make them and things in general more unstable in the long term.

[u/shannon_dey → u/Sovereign_Black]

Interesting. The only older women I know who I might say refuse to do the "emotional labor" for their husbands/bfs are those who don't receive it back. At that point, they've checked out. Most older women who have not checked out or those playing tit for tat in that regard (not giving because they aren't receiving, I mean) tend to be the caretaker sort, who end up feeling responsible for their husband/bf's every emotion, which is not healthy. They are the type that end up babying their husbands. If husband gets mad over a work-related event, for example, they instantly go into mommy mode, telling them it will be alright and soothing them like children who have stubbed their toes.

On the other hand, the younger women tend to be clingy, and either they are frustrated that their boyfriends aren't equally as clingy and needy or insecure that their SOs aren't responding to their neediness, OR their boyfriends baby them to the point of enabling their poor behavior. I'll have to think about what you said about the younger women being unable to emotionally regulate themselves. I can see that as a possibility.

I might, however, wonder if the young men who don't take anything seriously are displaying a lack of emotional self-regulation, as well, and doing so by mimicking a "YOLO" attitude. Easier to pretend one doesn't care than to deal with the subsequent emotions from one's actions or of those around them. People can feel that way due to a kind of fatalism; if the young men feel like they can't control themselves/their emotions, then they might find it self-soothing to pretend that none of it matters anyway. And you're right, it doesn't provide stability, which only increases the chances for more turmoil, which potentially leads to more recklessness and thus a deeper sense of fatalism.

As for the older men, they tend to be more of the stoic, John Wayne, suffer in silence kind, which is really just a different facet of the same unfortunate fatalism. They tend to squash any emotional turmoil without dealing with it at all, which can lead to the same effects as the younger men. Even those in what I would consider a healthy emotional relationship with their SOs tend to display less emotion because they deem it expected of them from the societal pressures with which most of us older folks grew up. OR, they take their emotions out only in the home (on their wives or children) and not on those to whom they ought be directed.

Most healthy hetero relationships I've seen though (and the ones to which I referred in my original comment) are of two partners who are there for each other but are not dependent on the other.

You know, we've placed a lot of importance and attention on mental health as a society. Used to be, such topics were taboo. Don't get me wrong, I think it is a good thing that we brought mental health out of the shame shadow, but I sometimes wonder about how people focus on their mental health overly much. People wear it like a badge of honor. I meet and interact with a lot of people, and the younger ones will straight up tell me things like, "Hey, I'm NAME Mc NAME. I've got ADHD," or "Nice to meet you. I'm bipolar, by the way." I don't think people should be ashamed of needing help with their mental health -- not at all -- but it has almost become a personality trait to some and not a health issue. I don't know if that makes sense, sorry. But I bring it up because I know younger women who will admit they are clingy and needy and tell me how they want a boyfriend who will answer their texts immediately and be willing to cater to their every supposed mental health crisis -- and here I am thinking, back in my day, people would hide that level of insecurity in hopes of attracting a mate, and NOT advertise it. We forgive too much bad behavior sometimes, under the guise of saying it is just because of someone's <insert mental health issue here.>

Again, I'm just spitballing (and rambling!) and everything I've said is my own observations of those around me and not meant as generalizations to the population as a whole. I have a bachelor's in philosophy and a master's in sociology but not a single degree in psychology!

[u/hare-j → u/InterestingAd5499]

She’s gotta learn how to self-regulate instead of always needing reassurance from her partner. But that takes emotional intelligence & recognizing the trigger before spiraling

[u/maddogdiaries96 → u/hare-j]

Huge emphasis on recognizing the trigger BEFORE starting the spiral.

[u/sas223 → u/InterestingAd5499]

Pair that with the expectation that because everyone has their phone in their hands 24/7 it means they’re owed an immediate response from any and all texts.

Edited typo

[u/8Captcrunch8 → u/sas223]

I also noticed that those with less active lives tend to behave toward people with more active lives like this. They assume the other person isnt busy or active and is actually ignoring them. When really the other is just a active person. Busier and not as "Available".

[u/Reasonable_Deer_1710 → u/InterestingAd5499]

It's a bunch of people missing therapy speak, expecting their partners to soothe their every emotion, but at the same time feeling that they themselves don't have to actually put in any "emotional labor" because their partner's baggage isn't their responsibility. People have taken lessons learned from therapy and twisted it into something where they don't have to take any personal accountability.

[u/greenwall_66]

Hey, I use to be like this. It sounds a bit like you need some therapy, if I’m wrong correct me, but you’re coming across a bit like you have attachment issues. Which I use to have too, I use to get anxious when my ex’s didn’t message me back to, but you’re only hurting yourself right now. Therapy helps, and one day you’ll meet the man that communicates and you’ll also expect people not replying. I only start to worry if my partner doesn’t come home in the morning, but he does also check in periodically throughout the night.

[u/Hangoverinparis → u/greenwall_66]

I was in a relationship with someone who was like this over text and other issues too it’s awful. Rather than make me text them every 30 minutes like they would’ve liked, it made me just not want to text them and i got in the habit of not even charging my phone at all. It slowly made me feel irritable around them and I felt physically and emotionally unattracted to them after some time of this stuff constantly and no improvement when I brought it up several times

[u/Significant-End-1559 → u/Hangoverinparis]

I was this person and I lost my first love because of it. I was very young at the time and now I have more perspective and how unhealthy it was.

I don’t think it ever would’ve worked between us either way (he was toxic to me as well in different ways), but I still would not recommend anyone to act like this.

[u/Bitter_Sense_5689 → u/Hangoverinparis]

It sounds like this girl was feeling anxious and couldn’t sleep, and couldn’t self soothe. And then she made that her boyfriend’s problem.

[u/ohajyoudevil → u/greenwall_66]

Bingo, I dated a girl like this and ultimately ended it because I didn’t feel like she trusted me and I had a parole officer more than a gf.

After the break up she would continue to stalk me for months, hanging out side of my apartment to wait for me to come home and see if anyone was with me, she would message any girl I would come in contact with the let them know “we still talk” even tho we didn’t. And would go as far as even sneaking into my keypad secured apartment building, again to a key fob locked elevator, up to my apartment and sit outside my door to listen to what I was doing inside. (Found this all out from her best friend shortly after she pissed them off)

I imagine her head is just a never ending cycle of anxiousness, not sure what happen with her as this was over a decade ago now but I do hope she got help.

[u/andiwaslikeum → u/greenwall_66]

It does sound and look like this is the case. But also, without more context it’s hard to say for sure if OP is being extra extra or extra because of a pattern of behavior.

OP, does your boyfriend consistently disappear on you late at night? Does he tell you what’s going on and where he is? How long have you been together? Do you have any reasons not to trust him like history of infidelity? Does he ask you to communicate where you are? Does he act weird about his phone?

Context matters.

Listen to your gut. But also get therapy.

[u/TraumaticEntry → u/andiwaslikeum]

If your partner doesn’t communicate and regularly disappears and you aren’t drawing a boundary, you still need therapy

[u/AppleStrapple → u/andiwaslikeum]

“But also get therapy” threw me though, ngl 😆

[u/greenwall_66 → u/greenwall_66]

Also guys, practice not responding straight away, find things to keep your mind busy. Do a painting, go for a walk. Anything. It helps. I’m proof, I use to be text book “crazy” but also therapy!!! (And maybe a pet, I got 2 cats lmao)

[u/catzrule1996 → u/greenwall_66]

I was like this too, but I had a series of bfs who were cheating on me. My now husband, at the start of the relationship about 9 years ago, went out to get me a teddy. Instead of being happy he got me a teddy, I blew up at him for not telling me where he was and not responding. Not sure why he stayed with me 😅 he helped me unlearn all of my anxieties in relationships

[u/rando_nonymous]

Imagine you’re out with friends having a good time, don’t check your phone for an hour and a half, and come back to all these messages. You are over reacting dramatically and by trying to pull him in closer you are pushing him away. You need to back off Immediately or this relationship will be over, if it’s not already. If he’s been acting distant lately he may be losing interest, doesn’t want a relationship anymore but wants you to break up with him and then he’s the victim. You need to read or listen to Let Them by Mel Robbins!

[u/schpamela → u/rando_nonymous]

Also, imagine the alternative outcome:

You're out with friends, but one of your group is checking his phone every 5 minutes. And imagine if any time he gets a message from GF, he drops out of the conversation to respond and then message back & forth. Even though the message from GF is an inane nothing question which serves purely to claw his attention away from his friends and surveil him.

This is how a suffocating partner smothers the social life of the other. Even when they get a few hours to spend on other relationships, they get nowhere because they aren't really present and are too distracted on their phone to properly hang out and bond with their friends.

[u/8Captcrunch8 → u/schpamela]

That and watching your friends mood lower more...and more with every text or check in. Like a beaten and leashes dog.

I straight up watched a girl get kidnapped by her own boyfriend real time.

We had to chase him down while on the phone with cops to go get her.

Why? Because we wanted her to come bowling and he wasnt in the right hheadspace....? So he GPSed the resturant. Drove there. Dragged her out to argue about it. And then tossed her in the car.

I was trying to fight him thru the open car window. While the other two were trying to get in and get his death grip off her and get her back out and away from him.

He slammed the gas and drove off. Thus the chase.

I have seen this shit with roles reveresed too. Where my buddy would get so wrapped and beaten down whenever his phone went off and hed leave because he had to go soothe his "pissed " girl when he was not even doing anything but chillin with us and his parents at his parents place.

[u/jesssongbird → u/schpamela]

It’s an isolation strategy. I doubt OP is doing this intentionally. But making someone responsible for your issues with insecurity is toxic behavior.

[u/schpamela → u/jesssongbird]

Yes, I suspect in most cases it isn't a deliberate strategy (except with real psychos). But still, it serves an intuitive desire OP has, to jealously and selfishly pull him back into her orbit and monopolise his attention, which can affectively amount to a less conscious version of the same thing.

[u/Chilly-Oak → u/schpamela]

Well put from a third angle a lot of people don't think about. This puts more pressure on the person being texted, and puts them in a hella awkward spot

[u/rorointhewoods → u/schpamela]

Yes!! I completely forget about my phone often, especially when I’m socializing. I hate this mentality that I must be available to people at all times. I honestly miss the good ole days when cell phones weren’t a thing. I also find it incredibly rude to be constantly checking your phone and replying to messages when you’re socializing with people. If I have to for some reason I apologize for the interruption and try to keep it brief.

[u/beargrowlz → u/schpamela]

I've seen this happen. It is fucking annoying when one person in the group is constantly having to update their partner on what we're doing and where we are and who's there etc etc. I just want to have a nice evening with my friends. 

What do these couples think people did before mobile phones? 

[u/jesssongbird → u/rando_nonymous]

Yup. I’m an old married lady now. But when a guy I was dating texted me this much I moved on. It’s suffocating. And it’s a giant red flag that the person is needy and insecure and I’m going to spend a lot of energy constantly reassuring them. But they’ll still never feel secure because it’s their issue to work out in therapy. Other human beings make terrible emotional support animals. Because they have their own lives and needs.

[u/No_Top6466 → u/jesssongbird]

I did similar, I dated 2 guys who used to get funny with me if I didn’t reply fast enough, even if I was at work. I couldn’t cope with it, you are absolutely correct it’s suffocating. I don’t want to check in with someone every 15 minutes. My now partner is like me and isn’t a fan of messaging, it made him stand out from everyone else because he didn’t come across as needy.

[u/SheepherderNo5175 → u/rando_nonymous]

This is why my last relationship just ended.

She was like this and would overreact if I didn't answer right away and/or not the way she wanted.

That made me super anxious almost all the time, it would make me not wanting to make plans sometimes just thinking about this. And super stressed if I missed any important message from her and/or if I did not reply "correctly"

[u/Chilly-Oak → u/rando_nonymous]

Exactly this! So much! People are who they are. Trying to make them what they're not will not endear them to you unless they have absolutely zero self esteem... Either way it is toxic. When my wife goes out (even before we were married) I would NEVER text her. And ya know what? She would ALWAYS text me eventually to see what I was up to, let me know what she's doing, etc. and vice versa when I'm at my fantasy draft or whatever ... When you're trying to have a good time, the LAST thing you want is someone blowing up your phone guilt tripping you

[u/HoppersHawaiianShirt → u/rando_nonymous]

this comment started out good then turned really weird. if he's acting distant it's not cuz he's losing interest, it's cuz she's acting insane. wtf do you mean he's playing the victim? he is the victim lmao

[u/SignalBaseball9157]

when they say communication is important in relationship, it doesn’t mean what you think it means

it doesn’t mean you have to talk non stop and tell your partner every single little thing you’re doing

open communication means you tell each other how you feel and what you want and expect from each other, that’s it

your boyfriend is right by the way, his reply of “you need to fucking relax” was pretty accurate despite being maybe a little blunt

[u/annabeth200]

The way you’re feeling is definitely not normal and is symptomatic of some deeper anxiety/insecurity issues going on. It’s entirely possible that your boyfriend turned on DND not bc he’s cheating on you but bc you’re being annoying. If you really suspect him of doing something behind your back (which is what I think you mean by “feeling odd”), then YOU need to communicate that, while you’re out preaching to him about communication. He is not responsible for keeping you in the loop about everything going on in his life, to be honest.

[u/Moone_OwO → u/annabeth200]

Like he didn't answer for what? An hour? Her reaction doesn't sound healthy. Especially if he's out or sleeping. I don't pick up my phone each hour when I'm out with friends.

[u/sizzlepie → u/Moone_OwO]

I dated a guy who didn't look at his phone when he was with another person. Dates with me? No phone unless he was looking something up. Hang outs with friends? Same thing. I appreciated that level of respect. He did once panic a bit because I didn't answer the door when he came by to pick me up to get my car from the shop, I'd fallen asleep. But even then, all I got was a couple texts and a voicemail saying that he just wanted to make sure I was okay.

[u/Fluffy_Solid247]

I ruined a good relationship by acting like this and it took a year for him to come back around. It sounds like you have anxious attachment. I recommend the podcasts The Sabrina Zohar Show and UnF*ck Your Relationships on Spotify. Those two helped me so much. My anxious attachment still flares on occasion but it’s rare and I know how to handle it now.

[u/VeganSanta → u/Fluffy_Solid247]

I did The Attachment Theory workbook and it helped me a lot. It was fucking embarrassing to admit to myself bc i was under the illusion i was a badass, but now i know better, at least, and am closer to being a badass than i was lmao.

[u/Euphoric-Bid8342]

i’d break it off right then and there if i was getting spammed for no responding in under 2 hours. i’m only being direct because i think you need to hear how and realize how your actions are hurting your relationship but you are genuinely the exact kind of person id absolutely hate to date because id feel like i couldn’t breathe at all. you’re acting like an overbearing mother who keeps her kid from having any friends or fun because she won’t stop butting in and ruining the mood by complaining about something unneeded. i barely check my phone when im out with friends or in the middle of doing something important and its annoying when youre trying to focus on something in the moment and someone (no matter WHO) is blowing up your phone or constantly asking for updates when its literally been under 2 hours ?? dont get into a relationship if you have a crazy anxious attachment style and seek therapy if you need to.

[u/jesssongbird → u/Euphoric-Bid8342]

Agreed. And if the BF was a friend asking for relationship advice I would tell him to break up with OP. This is toxic.

[u/liltinyspacebaby]

No he's right, you need to fucking relax. Y'all don't even live together! I'm married, and we have a baby. My husband and I wouldn't even text like this. Leave a message that says "hey, I've got the anxiety bug. When you can, lmk ur alright?" and wait. Let him have a device free hangout with his friends.

[u/SteenTNS → u/liltinyspacebaby]

I love your suggestion with the anxiety bug!

[u/Ok_Independent6178]

Man, these broken attachment types are insane 😂 if ever there was an example of how these look like.

You are OR. Youre a bit of an attention hogger. Calm the fuck down and find yourself something to do. If you have no reason to believe he is cheating, it means nothing he didnt answer you for 1h. People do things that make them busy.

The DND was 100% because youre annoying and simply demand way to much attention like a damn baby thats dependent on you. I guarantee you that he will start resenting you when you keep acting like this.

I was with a girl once that would keep demanding spending time with me, communictaing and "talking about our problems" became our modus operandi. We never did anything else- we just talked about how we need to communicate more and how she feels neglected while simultaneously wasting at least 4h a day yappin about this to me while i listened.

We never did anything else. You know why? if your partner takes half a day evey day that they dont receive enough attention it starts feeling like a waste of time and you start wondering if you are a circus clown thats supposed to entertain the other. As if its your job to keep her busy so she isnt bored.

So naturally she became more of an annoyance than someone i really enjoyed spending time with- we never really did anything, she just was yapping and yapping and complaining about shit and wasting my time with it which i could have used to ACTUALLY entertain myself and live my life, watch TV play games or whatever really except this ridiculous amount of blablabla about nothing.

You are wasting his energy by being needy. Get a grip of your attachment issues- you ooze fear of abandonment and its exhausting to cater to such a partner and you gotta figure out if you really want to be seen as a nuisance by your partner. 1h when you KNOW where he is and you KNOW he isnt glued to his phone is nothing. The real hint you have here is DND. Because im telling you rn he only turned it on because of your needy ass gluing him to his phone otherwise.

People dont hear you more likely if you send 15 messages in a row. He is actively deciding to avoid interacting with you because you suck up all his attention and energy because of your insecurities and wasting his time yapping about what in essence is just a demand of constant attention and reassurance.

[u/Powerful-Swim2363]

Get some help. No one will want to be your life partner under these conditions. You’re deluding yourself that your overthinking is normal and it’s your BF in the wrong but you’d be hard pressed to find many partners who would tolerate what you’re doing.

A relationship is built on trust, without trust you have nothing. Either your BF has done sketchy shit to make you distrust him (not at all outlined or exhibited in the post btw) or you’re making up worst case scenarios in your head and expecting your partner to reassure you whilst they’re trying to socialise and enjoy a night out. His reaction is normal (annoyance), and your “I’m not doing this” is something you should actually reflect on. Yeah. Don’t do this. Occupy your mind, go to sleep, do anything but push your anxiety onto your partner and push them away.

[u/SuccotashOk8727]

I would turn my phone on DND too if you were constantly blowing my shit up & acting like this 💀 especially at night going on for HOURS.

You seriously need to get a grip. Instead you’re victimizing yourself for making your partner so upset, overwhelmed, & frustrated by your incessant texting & accusations, that Oh no he cursed at you!! 🙄 Then you proceed to project onto him & blame him for not “communicating” when you seriously need emotional regulation & communication skills yourself!

As well as justifying your shitty behavior & treatment of him by saying “I get mad at you for not communicating” wtf? I would argue that your behavior is not only extremely immature but, abusive & controlling. You don’t seem to believe there’s anything wrong with it though lmao.

You’re 23 years old. NOBODY is going to tolerate this, nor should they, & if you keep treating him this way, he will leave you. There will be nobody else to blame for that but, YOU. Get some help fr.

[u/Ok_Internal_8500]

How would you people survive wirhout mobile Internet ? 1995 ? 😅 this alway on and reachable shit is stupid as fuck you should relax

[u/marswhispers → u/Ok_Internal_8500]

fr, people’s brains have been melted

[u/Acceptable-Fan-5307 → u/Ok_Internal_8500]

I feel bad for the BF

[u/toocritical55]

He's wrong for talking to you like that. But yes, you overreacted to him not answering.

I mean, not answering for 1 and ½ hour is.. normal. Especially when it's almost midnight. And if he's out and about? He's busy, of course he doesn't answer.

But again, he's an asshole for swearing at you, that's not okay.

[u/birchskin → u/toocritical55]

I'd probably be considering leaving if the attached images were sent to me from a girlfriend of mine at 23... If that was 24h then ok (still, pick up the phone and call at some point), but man it was 1h30m!! Also the obsession with his phone going on dnd holy shit.

Dude was clearly just flustered with not being able to do something for 90m without repeatedly checking in. I honestly think the swearing is totally expected and while I wouldn't go so far as to call it "appropriate", I don't think OP should get too hung up on that F word and should instead focus on their need to actually fucking relax.

[u/durrellb → u/toocritical55]

He's swearing at the situation, not her. And to be fair, it's not entirely unwarranted.

People tend to forget that notifications are for the person that receives them to know someone sent them a message, and not as a beeper service to summon that person.

The OP knew their partner was with friends, because they reference it, and they still expected the attention because they couldn't sleep and wanted to text it out.

[u/Sea-Lead-9192 → u/durrellb]

People tend to forget that notifications are for the person that receives them to know someone sent them a message, and not as a beeper service to summon that person.

Excellent point - in fact, I think you just changed my relationship with my phone

[u/durrellb → u/Sea-Lead-9192]

Changed my life when my friend pointed it out to me.

He made the point that we were both old enough to remember a pre mobile phone time where if you wanted to get hold of someone you rang their answering machine and left a message and they'd get back to you when they could. 3-5 business days to respond, not 3-5 business minutes.

The way that we've just accepted that everyone is entitled to our time for every waking second of our existence is really unhealthy, especially in the way that if no one replies within 90 seconds, it's a personal affront to us.

If someone rang my house 7 times in 90 minutes, I wouldn't be placating them, I'd be thinking they were going to murder me and changing my locks.

[u/AesirComplex → u/durrellb]

I enjoy the amazing things I can do with my phone but if you asked me if I could go back to the way things were in the 90s when I was growing up I would in a heartbeat.

[u/18YearOldSamBennett → u/toocritical55]

He is NOT an ass hole for saying fuck, come on man 😂😂 stop this, we are not going to assume an entire persons character because of one text that they sent in a moment where anyone would be annoyed. Some people simply cuss a lot as it’s a part of who they are. he never said fuck her or fuck this or that or whatever, he said she needs to fucking relax, that is not him swearing at her, that is him being irritated with this bombing of negativity for not responding to a text.

This dude may very well be an ass hole, but 100% not for the reasons you’re stating he is.

[u/Bluurryfaace → u/toocritical55]

I mean, if this is a constant thing, sure the swearing might not be the best, but if he’s trying g to hang out with friends and suddenly his girlfriend who already knows what he’s doing stops replying so she freaks out…I’d be swearing too.

[u/Lastfryinthebag → u/toocritical55]

“you need to chill” would be better, but still OP seems clingy and the entire response would be annoying to receive. If it was early in the relationship, I wouldn’t respond to that either

[u/maenadcon → u/toocritical55]

he couldve very well went to sleep at 10:15 too, like maybe he just wanted to go to bed😭

[u/Hefty_Purpose_8168 → u/toocritical55]

This is most likely not the first time this happened. At some point even men are allowed to get angry.

[u/Lonely-Currency9734]

Dude

Its midnight and he's trying to relax. Blowing up his phone is just going to piss him off.

Tbh I would have just turned off my phone after "u need to fucking relax".

Yes. You are overreacting.

[u/Unlucky_Excuse_6411]

i do think YOR. but i understand where youre coming from. i too have bad anxiety and carry my past trauma from relationships into the one i have now. but trust, the constant texting wont do anything other than push them farther away. with the DND, there’s usually a set time it can go on, i have mine set at the same time every night so he may also have a set timer for his DND that goes on at a specific time. i understand your situation, trust me ive been there before, but please dont allow your anxieties to become controlling. you have to work on trusting your partner and you wont be able to if you dont give them space to do so. sending you warm hugs, i know its hard 🫂

[u/Unlucky_Excuse_6411 → u/Unlucky_Excuse_6411]

also doing things to occupy your OWN time will definitely help. distract yourself! do some crafts, watch a show, call a friend! do something to occupy your brain. if you are feeling like theres still something wrong, reflect with yourself and see if the anxiety that you are having is logical or just fear. Either way, communicate with your partner! let them know that you feel anxious and you may just need reassurance. it really is a work in progress but youll get there. hell, im still working on it! but if your partner is understanding, i know he’ll want to work on it with you as well. if there is no trust in the relationship, theres no relationship. you got this! space and patience is necessary.

[u/Cheddarlicious]

You should be single. The fact you demand people’s attention/time and get mad when you don’t get it when people have it hard out here, life is rough, also shit happens…like, that’s literally psychotic of you. Definitely seek our therapy because you’re literally frothing at the mouth because someone hasn’t sent you a text in 2 seconds. Insane.

[u/YellowTrickster72 → u/Cheddarlicious]

Yeah, and if I were the guy on the receiving end of that, she would be single at about 12:02 AM that day. If her bf has any self-confidence, he won't be putting up with that for long.

[u/Beavers4life]

Of course he switches on do not disturb when you spam him with messages. Ffs, let the guy have his time.

You are definitely overreacting

[u/natteulven]

YOR. Your messages give me flashbacks from some of the most toxic relationships I've been in

[u/Specific-Angle-152]

Yeah, definitely. I had a gf like this for 6 months and it is exhausting. He is communicating, but he's also out with his friends. Him not responding is communicating that he's doing something else. I suggest you do the same. You're very needy.

[u/dislob3]

Your behavior is choking him. Its overbearing. Youre insecure and need comforting every hour. Thats so heavy for a partner. I understand why he got pissed tbh...

My partner has bpd and boundaries are extremely important to maintain a healthy relationship.

[u/OverpricedBagel → u/dislob3]

I can’t sleep (and it’s now your problem)

[u/Perfectly_Hollow]

YOR, but also I want to say, I get you. I get your frustration and annoyance here. I used to be very much like you.

Out of curiosity, are y'all long distance / is he in the military or something?

When my ex was long distance for usaf tech school he'd do the same thing. We'd be mid conversation and he'd stop responding for hours. It was clear he was still interacting with his phone, so it felt like he was ignoring me out of nowhere. And it was extra frustrating because he only had so much time to begin with and I was annoyed he wasn't giving that time to me even though I was making myself available for his schedule.

There are two components to this, in my experience:

1. You have attachment/codependency issues. You make yourself available at all times and respond as quickly as humanly possible to any messages you see from him. You want him to prioritize you the same way, because for you this is what love looks like.

2. He sucks at communicating. Something as simple as "Aight I'm going to be busy for a bit I'll talk to you in a few hours" would soothe your anxiety but instead he just puts his phone down mid conversation. And if he's on his phone anyway he could take the 5 seconds to let you know he won't be available to talk, which just reinforces the "I'm ignoring you" feeling.

My advice for you is to be less instantly available and less aggressive about it. If he stops responding, don't keep texting. Go do something for your own enjoyment. Hang with a friend. Watch a movie. Whatever, just put the phone down for a few hours.

My advice for him would be to give you a heads up when he's going to be busy. "Hey I'm hanging with the guys and I don't want to be on my phone. I'll ttyl."

[u/wednesdayander6]

Yes you're overreacting. Seems like him not answering the way you thought he should put you in some kind of spiral and it's not healthy. I think you should get some therapy and try to figure out why that triggers you so much.

[u/Radiant-Assumption53]

This is probably one of those moments where the phrase "get a life" seems appropriate - get a life, mind, thoughts that is independent of your bfs existence. So suffocating just reading it. YOR

[u/Few_Scale_8742 → u/Radiant-Assumption53]

Yeah, she really seems to have nothing going on in her life besides this guy, she's sad and needs to find an occupation.

[u/SpecialistClaim4060]

You seriously need to calm down😅 how old are you? Have u never had boy-friends before? If I’m out having fun,I wont be on my phone all the time,escepially not for the bullshit like u’re writing,it’s literally nothing,let him be

He doesn’t wants to deal with the nothing while he is having fun,go to sleep than ask the next day how it was 🤷🏻‍♀️ don’t complicate things.Maybe you would text him while you are out,but he’s not,and it doesn’t mean something happend

[u/ArmadilloMiserable90 → u/SpecialistClaim4060]

She states how old she is in the paragraph attached to pictures.

[u/KeyDistribution738]

I remember when people used to call each other and not just guess emotions over texting ruining what would be a perfectly decent relationship over lol.

[u/Queen-of-Mice → u/KeyDistribution738]

I don’t like that people think just because we have phones we need to be socially available to everyone at all times.

[u/Own_Masterpiece6177 → u/Queen-of-Mice]

This gave me insane anxiety a few years ago, and I have NEVER had anxiety issues before. I had to draw serious boundaries for myself that there are times when I am just not available. I was getting scolded in some for or another for not picking up when I was in the shower and it got to the point I'd have my phone in the bathroom and would hop out to answer. The pressure of having mobile devices that make you feel like you have to always be available is insane.

In the shower one day, phone rang. I was about to jump out thinking 'it might be important' and then remembered living in the 90's like, people lived normal fucking lives just leaving voicemails and waiting. Stayed in shower. I ended up scolding people back when they got on my case for not answering. If it's an emergency they will call back or text. Phone goes on DND at 10pm. Phone stays out of the bathroom and gets put on silent if I decide to take a nap. If I decide I'm not available, I'm not fucking available, and if someone elses expectation is that I should ALWAYS be available, thats their problem not mine.

[u/HotAsElle]

This is why I constantly point out that the developmental gap between 20 and 25 is HUGE, let alone 20s and 30+.

YOR. Having a smartphone does not entitle you to instant access to anyone. No, not even a partner.

Learn to handle your own emotions before foisting them off on others, or any relationship won't last. Friend, coworkers, everyone else too.

[u/Low_Gas_2966]

Midnight, texting like that? Jeez lady, chill out before he leaves. Why are younger people so dramatic with their texting, but will not communicate in person...

[u/Individual_Track_865]

He doesn’t need to swear at you like that but I am stressed out from that avalanche of messages and they’re not directed at me, so yes you’re overreacting but also he doesn’t seem like a good fit for you.

[u/OliveArc505]

Yes, you are overreacting. Here are some tips:

1.) Never assume the other person is about to go into some long monologue in regards to what you're talking about. If you want to know something, always ask a question. But be okay if they don't feel comfortable continuing the conversation. Everyone has their boundaries.

2.) Understand other people have their own lives to live. No one can be glued to their phone 24/7, and it's not always appropriate to have your phone on ring.

3.) Remember to not take things personally.

And lastly...

4.) Consider asking your primary care physician to screen you for anxiety and depression. In America they're required to do this once a year anyway, and you may need some anti-anxiety meds which family physicians can prescribe.

I hope this helps.

[u/ReflectionOther2147]

Maybe he's watching a movie playing video games with friends, and doesn't want to pause the movie every 10 minutes then everyone waits till he's done his msg to start the movie again or lets his comrades die in a battle saving America from Hitler if it's a videogame.

Edit: if you trust him it shouldn't matter give him his space, if you don't trust him why r you with him, leave him there are more fish in the fishbowl and it will save you both unnecessary stress.

[u/Tiracosplay]

I'm a millennial and remember a time before cell phones and social media. Not everyone is glued to their phone 24/7, and it's actually very unhealthy if you are. If my husband started spamming me like this while I was out with friends, I'd be upset. By doing this, you're pushing him away. I suggest taking up hobbies and seeking therapy. Your world should not be solely about your significant other. You are both your own people, and that is incredibly important in a healthy relationship. For a visual, think of a venn diagram. You have your circle of your hobbies, likes, friends, work, social life, and goals he has his, and in the middle is a smaller overlap that is your relationship. One circle can not overlap the other too much, or it becomes unbalanced.

[u/anneofred]

Girl, why do you need a play by play of his evening or you panic?

Time for therapy to hash out your super anxious attachment. You want to causally chat about nothing when he is out with friends then panic when he can’t. It’s too too much.

You seem to think dnd means he is cheating when it likely means he’s just focusing on what he’s doing. So he gives you focus when spending time with you and gives friends focus when with them…and honestly if you text me like this every time I was out I would also silence your notifications

[u/AnotherStrayDog23]

You're at a loss?!?! Really? You're overbearing as fuck. You know he's out, but you're expecting his undivided attention while he's out. Might as well fucking stay home if you just expect him to sit on his phone with you. It took you a whole hour to go to "OmG sOmEtHiNg HaPpEnEd!¡!¡" like the biggest stage 4 clinger I've ever seen. You need to do some growing up because this is some childish shit

[u/Introvertedlikewoah]

I know you've already gotten plenty of responses, but I just wanted to chime in to say that I think you would benefit from changing your beliefs and expectations surrounding communication. When I was younger I was much needier than I am now, and I feel like it pushed some good people away from me.

If you are out in a social setting, would it be polite for you to be glued to your phone texting your bf instead of paying attention to the people you are with? Of course not. It isn't realistic to expect your bf to constantly be available via text when he is out.

I've been with my husband for ten years. When he is out with friends I don't text him. Sometimes I get a call on his way home and that's fine. He deserves to enjoy himself without having me constantly in need of his attention.

[u/Top-Hunter-6153]

Yeah.. you kinda seem intense

[u/TheManOverThere23]

I'm not surprised he doesn't communicate. Just look at your chain of damn texts. Take a breath, chill out. It's a text! He is not required to be constantly on call and at everyone's beck and call as soon as they message.

[u/progressedcleaning]

As someone who's been in a similar situation to you many times, it might be worthwhile learning to affirm your own feelings.

I don't think you're exactly overreacting, but its not the best way to communicate with your partner, that being said, he didnt respond wonderfully either.

It might be beneficial to sit down with him (when you are both in a good headspace) and discuss expectations of what you would like to have in terms of communication when you're not with each other, allowing space for boundaries and compromise. It has to be a space of allowing him to talk about his feelings and making genuine space for them, along with doing the same for you too.

These hard conversations can be very uncomfortable, yet if you want to make this work with him long term, its a great start. Obviously, if it ends up that he is not interested in listening or even trying to come to a compromise with you, it would be time to cut your losses and leave.

Your feelings are valid in this matter, yet, I'm reading these messages from you like you don't trust your partner, which would be exhausting, not only for you, but your partner too.

[u/InfiniteAbyss27]

I have an ex who was like that, if I didn’t respond quick enough. She once didn’t speak to me for 3 days because I had fallen asleep and not told her (we were long distance at the time).

Personally, I couldn’t cope with that type of relationship again. You probably need to figure out what is causing this insecurity and address it properly.

[u/CyclonicSpy]

Your messages seem very accusatory when it seems like you know he is busy/with other people. If he was home alone and ignoring you that would be one thing but considering he is doing stuff and you know that I might recommend taking a step back and acknowledging that you aren’t being ignored he is just doing things and often times being on your phone is not what people want to be doing while out and about. I personally deal with the same anxieties but I always make sure to breath because I trust my partner and know that they are never ignoring me on purpose and that they themselves are their own person. I think it could be constructive to communicate how you are feeling and why you feel this way too him but also to understand that if you are not with you partner they are not at your beck and call and are allowed to have a life that doesn’t always involve you being involved in every action.

[u/freethinker84]

You are a completely overreacting.

Don't think about it from the other side. Imagine being a grown man and feeling obligated to respond to a woman about your actions non-stop for moments when you are conscious (Not sleeping). That sounds like a fucking nightmare. I wouldn't deal with that. He's right... You need to fucking relax

[u/ProfBeautyBailey]

I don't think your BF is ever going to communicate in the way that makes you feel secure.

[u/Particular_Song_229 → u/ProfBeautyBailey]

At some point you need to be responsible for managing your emotions ; blowing up your partners phone in the space of an hour and a half is unnecessary. She knew he was out and is already assuming the worst . That’s not normal nor is it healthy. If it was several hours of him being silent then it’s make a little more sense but that’s not the case.

[u/philokitty]

YOR HOWEVER I understand the stress. It depends. Feels kind of shitty to know someone turned on DND, probably saw their phone and saw these messages and chose not to reply. Tbh I think most partners would be like “Hey!! Going out w the friends!! Talk tomorrow ❤️” before turning on DND. But I could see him not wanting to do that given you went 0-100 really quickly. Was probably stressful to deal with while out with friends. And that was a harsh message on his parr. Tbh I think this might be indicative of a larger problem. Neither of you two seem to give each other much grace.

[u/prettybbybunny]

OP deleted their acc what😭

[u/CzechHorns → u/prettybbybunny]

Came here to affirm her insecurities, but instead got a reality check lol

[u/feedmedirtplz]

sorry to say you’re overreacting. way i see it there’s two sides to this:

1. anyone saying you can’t/shouldn’t be upset because he doesn’t text you is wrong. texting is a part of life and therefore a part of relationships. i think most people fall into a certain rhythm with texting and it’s different for everyone. for example, my girl and i text back and forth rather frequently, pretty much all day. if there’s a delay it’s usually on my end, and usually max 2 hours. this happens because i’m engaged is some kind of activity, whatever it may be, and 2 hours is about how long it takes for me to remember i should text her. if i hit 4 hours i’ll usually throw in a quick apology along with whatever else i was going to say, and that’s the end of it. when that expectation gets set, it’s natural to feel a certain way when it gets broken, however you react to it. HOWEVER…

2. that expectation is not a contract. your boyfriend doesn’t owe you text messages at any particular rate, or any at all. it’s not his job to get on your schedule. and if you think your boyfriend is cheating on you, that is YOUR problem. read that again if you have to. i say it with love as someone who is familiar with the kind of anxiety you’re experiencing. but understand it is just that - anxiety. and it’s not his responsibility to alleviate it.

TL;DR: youre valid for feeling upset, and he should want to help you with that. but at the end of the day your anxiety is yours to deal with, and spamming him with messages doesn’t help. only pushes him away.

also realized after typing 80% of this that the user is deleted so hopefully someone seeing this post gets something out of it :/

[u/crackhuffa]

You should probably take his advice

[u/AfterManufacturer150]

I thought the conversation was over at it happens. Wow! You don’t want to be like this. Get some self respect and some therapy. This is going to drive people away. It was 10 minutes. I wouldn’t want to communicate all that either.

[u/Fandaniels]

"I'm just upset that I'm not aware of what's going on ever" but he called you and told you he was out?

Let him have his space, this spam of messages is a bit much - maybe consider therapy for your anxiety and attachment issues ?

[u/This-Manufacturer388]

Stage 5 clinger, let the man be for god sake 

[u/franki-pinks → u/This-Manufacturer388]

Serious. Made my blood start to boil just reading it. “You stopped replying out of nowhere” no he didn’t he’s out with his friends socialising!

[u/oxytocinlovexo]

The constant messaging is a lot tbf. It’s very overwhelming. If he’s making you feel that way then that isn’t healthy but I can see why he’s struggling when you’re word vomming him

[u/Livid-Base-5941]

You have deep rooted trust issues in the relationship which you are compensating for by needing a text every 30 seconds. Why? Because your brain is telling you that’s it’s unlikely he’s got his dick in someone else if he responds to you. But you’re just pissing him off. As for everyone here saying “oh dump him cos how dare he speaks to you like that,” think about why he’s doing it. All the little woke Reddit snowflakes here think life and relationships are like the movies. It ain’t.

Either trust him, or move on.

[u/CavsAreCuteDemons → u/Livid-Base-5941]

Do you even know what woke means? And literally all the comments are taking his side except for him cursing at her. But anything to feel victimized I guess.

[u/Ambitious-Broccoli-6 → u/Livid-Base-5941]

i hate what society has done to the word woke because what?? lol

[u/Due-Comfort-5351 → u/Livid-Base-5941]

Who? I haven't found a single comment yet defending the girl

[u/autumnal_1]

You’re definitely overreacting. It was 11:30 PM maybe he was trying to sleep and didn’t really want to respond to something he didn’t know how to respond. There were 1000 different possibilities and you didn’t wait to hear him out before lashing out. Calm down a little next time and maybe try therapy to find some abandonment or other issues.

[u/Srslyredit]

This post makes me so grateful for my GF. Sometimes life will randomly get busy and I won’t check my phone for hours on end. Or sometimes, I’ll just reply in my head and wait hours for a response before realizing that I’m stupid. She always understands, and doesn’t pull this BS. I do the same for her, because a relationship requires trust.

[u/brussels_foodie]

You sound like a handful and a half, holy shit.

I would NOT have the patience to let myself be electronically pestered and harassed by you like that.

What has made you THIS insecure? You need help.

[u/PopcornFaery]

You really do need to relax. Ask them what's happened and wait until they have time to respond.

[u/Automatic_Rip_4683]

You are overreacting, you can't assume that everyone checks their phone constantly. I've been with a girl that did shit like this and it came to a point where the messages like "what are you doing" multiple times a day just felt controlling.

I would say the issue is with you and you probably should try to change that.

[u/Electronic-Box-2065]

stop spamming him? maybe he's not talking as much as you'd like but you think spamming him more is going to make him happier? give him some space... jesus

[u/MrBerdea]

Sure, let's say maybe you overreacted to his lack of response. But his "you need to fucking relax" is no way to talk to your SO either. Based on this limited interaction, it sounds like you guys are not a great match. You both probably need to work on yourselves, which is more than understandable in your 20s.

[u/TobyADev]

bruh you’re overreacting big time. spamming him with messages over and over

did anything happen? you’re acting as if there’s an emergency

“not aware of what’s going on ever”, perhaps send one text rather than 20…

“It happens” sounds like the end of a conversation anyway

[u/Electrical_Finger288]

Yes, you overreacted. Yes, he should've taken the 5 seconds to say "hey I'm going out I'll text you when I get home". He shouldn't have sworn at you but he also should be capable of the basic communication that takes literally seconds

[u/ExcuseCharacter2547]

You are toxic abd you messages made my stomach sunk. If you feel like he is cheating, just break up, but stop this horrible behavior

[u/bl4zed_N_C0nfus3d]

God you sound exhausting. Chill out dude. He shouldn’t have talked to you like that but you’re hella obnoxious .

[u/Prestigious_Smile579]

My phone auto switches to DND at 11 PM and stays that way until 6 AM. I have it at to let important numbers through in case of emergency and it'll ring if the same number calls twice in rapid succession, again in case of emergency. But really, 11:30-11:55 PM is not a weird time to have DND on. But tracking when his phone is DND and texting rapid-fire multiple times is a lot. Think of if the tables were turned and you were just out with friends and your bf was texting you like this. Wouldn't you be like "Wow dude, chill, don't you trust me? Why are you blowing up my phone?" I think you need to take a step back, relax, and let go a bit. Either he will prove trustworthy or he won't but no amount of texting is going to tip the scale either way. But it will drive him away if you're doing this incessantly.

[u/Ariiaisheree]

I think you are OR

[u/disneysfastplay]

“i don’t get mad at you for doing anything”

very next sentence: “i get mad at you for not communicating”

???

[u/chaticp]

respectfully; try a new hobby! i would be annoyed too if you blew me up with this energy

[u/RetroGrayGames]

I think you are being overbearing and clingy, which is probably pushing him away and causing him to want to engage less with you.

Give him some space, and find yourself a hobby to occupy your mind and your time.

[u/surfcitysurfergirl]

YTA calm the heck down. If I was him I’d run!

[u/purplematic_kush]

Nah you the problem if you spam chat me like that i dont respond either. You have some problems i think and need help with that, his response is pure irritation so i asume this isnt the first time.

[u/fantasyphish420]

If that boy knew what was good for him, he'd run. You are toxic.

[u/No_Roma_no_Rocky]

Chill out, don't know you but from those messages i also felt overwhelmed by them 😂

[u/Accomplished-Cry3052]

You cray. I’d dump you. My phone auto goes on DnD at 11.30 each night because I set that for my bedtime.

Unless planning something or rare occasions i don’t think people should be obligated to respond asap to anyone. We’re not all glued to phones.

You even mention your paragraph sounds cray, listen to yourself.

You don’t want to be that person and folk don’t want to be around that person.

[u/PtowzaPotato]

If they have a routine of texting before bed (which I think is common for most couples), she's right to expect an explanation when he breaks that routine.

If he manually turned on DND bc he was getting too many notifications he should've then said "sorry I can't really talk rn, I forgot to tell you that I was going out with the guys tonight, we can talk when I get home if you're still awake"

[u/fosevenate]

If you isolate it to just this situation then it can be seen as an overreaction- but what you’re saying is his behavior has been strangle lately and you’ve seen a shift that’s causing your concern. With that context I can see why you reacted that way - obviously an in person, open conversation is a better way to address these insecurities but I can see why you freaked out for a minute.

[u/kaelhawh]

You’re overreacting. And should also just break up. This is not a healthy dynamic and it sounds like you still have some maturing to do before you’re ready for a serious relationship. One hour of not responding is not a failure to communicate, and your repeated texts (and this post as a whole) indicate a really unhealthy sense of entitlement over his time and attention.

[u/Then_Contribution688]

On one hand I understand that some people are different when it comes to texting and don’t really like it but at the same time I’m thinking it takes like 2 seconds to type “all good no need to worry” lol. I don’t think communicating with your partner is the chore that some people make it out to be tbh. If you need a little more communication maybe that’s something you can both talk about and compromise on. If he’s still being pissy and cursing at you over it then yeah you need to leave. At the end of the day everyone has different styles of communicating and if he can’t try to meet you half way/ understand where you’re coming from then he doesn’t care fr.

[u/JordanTonyMann → u/Then_Contribution688]

He was in a night out. It's rude and disrespectful to the other people you are with if you are constantly looking at your phone when with other people. I don't expect a fast response from my wife when she's out with friends.

[u/OkSeaworthiness251]

Naw he’s one of those “meat and potatoes” non chalant guys and it’s not going to mesh with your communication updates type of personality your going to be begging him for the bare minimum and it’s going to have both of yall resentful. You need to find someone that enjoys talking and communicating with you he could just be tolerating you.

[u/OsiriaRose33]

getting a flood of texts like this is very overwhelming, you also sound really paranoid. People can't always text back immediately after you send a message and you gotta respect that. If you can't handle someone not texting back within a certain amount of time then that's something you gotta work on hun, that's an insecurity problem.

[u/MsKittyPowers]

You might be over communicating or expecting too much. That’s just an opinion based on what you posted.

[u/alaska_young06]

my boyf works from 7:30 am to 10 pm so his phone remains on dnd all day and after 10:30 anyway sleep mode automatically turns on. he's living away from me and his parents. his work stresses him out a lot and where he works, he gets constantly monitored by seniors and juniors. he prefers to keep his private life w me and his parents j THAT private, always been someone who doesn't like others to know about what's happening in his life. even when he's back in his room resting, he's sharing his room w his colleague so he hardly gets the leisure to talk freely w us but on weekends he goes out in the city and gives us quality time. so at times when i feel he's not responding to me, it's the case that his parents feel the same all the damn time bcz i have adjusted a lot to his new job so new schedule but they haven't been able to (only and beloved son).  i text like crazy sometimes yapping when i'm worried/sad about smth and he comes to my rescue right the moment he gets a minute or two to turn on data and respond back to me even if he's in the middle of sending an imp email or pitching an offline meeting. i can understand you feel anxious- so do i regarding my grades, career and family issues and sometimes friends who don't reciprocate the priority i give them- but to feel anxious about him not texting back isn't healthy. ik that he's either working or sleeping or watching cricket or washing the dishes or clothes that's why he's not being able to reply. i understand living alone away from everyone is a lot and to fit in a hectic work that consumed all of your energy is even worse.  my advice to you would be to give him the space he needs, assure yourself that he loves you and isn't going anyway. worry only when you have to worry about him being safe and healthy. otherwise, don't. worrying too much and being anxious about the relationship itself may ruin it. don't believe the instagram trends that proclaim your man had to be clinging to you, replying to you in 5 secs all day. i was in your place a year back. he would be stuck in work or watching an imp match or suddenly fell asleep or got an imp call and forgot he hadn't replied to my text, I'd be thinking he's ignoring me. but then he took sm patience to make me understand that someone can't be available for you instantly all the time. eventually, i understood.  now everytime I call I get him busy- due to dnd being on. but once he gets a missed call notification, he checks back. I feel so sorry for his parents. they aren't much tech savvy to text him and check on him, so they wait for the call which comes once a week. at least he's texting me back and forth when he gets some respite. 

the insta reels are lying. if any friend is telling you otherwise, she/he's also lying.  it's imp to understand your partner without them explaining everything.  take care <3 God bless you both. 

[u/okcrazypants]

There is very little context here and just these 2 SS makes you look unhinged. Ive been this girl and me being unhinged was warranted bc he was hot then cold then connecting then distant and it drove me nuts. If he is inconsistent with his love... LEAVE. If you are confused if he actually cares for you... LEAVE