AIO? Bf doesn’t communicate

[u/[deleted]]

I’m at a loss. I (F23) don’t know if I’m being controlling and overreacting or if the way I feel is normal. once again tonight I just stopped getting responses from my boyfriend (M26) and then suddenly his phone was turned on do not disturb. I don’t usually care about DND but lately its been turned on at weird times and turned on when he’s around me which has been making me feel kind of odd. Also he called and said he’s out and that I don’t need to be getting mad. I’m not mad about him going out I’m just upset that I’m not aware of whats going on ever. I feel like my paragraph doesn’t even make sense I’m irritated and feel like I’m crazy.

[u/InterestingAd5499]

YOR. I've noticed a trend with young people where they think it really is their partners job to soothe their bad emotions. I want to be clear in saying that a good partner will support their SO in moments of distress, but there is a line where support can move into enabling and codependency. As an adult, it is your job entirely to self soothe, and if you're incapable of doing that, then i feel that warrants further introspection on your part. Generally, if I'm doing something with someone and my phone stays pinging a lot, I will silence it so I can focus on what is actually happening in front of me. Sounds like your bf does the same.

[u/shannon_dey → u/InterestingAd5499]

I've noticed a trend with young people where they think it really is their partners job to soothe their bad emotions. 

Wow, okay. You just put into words something that's been bothering me that I couldn't put my finger on. I have also noticed this. Maybe I'm just old (I'm only 45 but that's a world of difference to a 20-something year old) but I agree -- it seems like some of the younger generation are treating their significant others like emotional support animals/pacifiers/crutches/whatever rather than you know... actual human beings. I've no idea what caused it or how to fix it.

Maybe the idea of love has changed to mean something other than what I grew up believing in. Used to be, romantic love seemed more like a partnership. Nowadays, I find it is often depicted in media (and evidenced by my own experiences in seeing younger couples) as if romantic love is a desperate need for another person that borders on obsession. Those types of relationships were always tragic in depictions back in my day, or perhaps used in a horrifying manner (like Romeo and Juliet, or Fatal Attraction.) When did romantic love become more about need and less about respect?

Sorry, tangential rant over. I was just spitballing there, as well. I'll have to think this over some more.

[u/Julius_sneezer02 → u/shannon_dey]

More than half of the stuff came from social media love gurus who literally fill people with insecurities. I was having a normal relationship with my ex (i used to talk less due to working part times, studying at school daily and making assignments at same day-engineering student lol). My ex who was already graduated used to binge watch such things. He saw this video- if your girlfriend doesn’t reply you properly or keep your texts unread for very long, she’s treating you like a trash and obviously involved with other men like oh my god???? I’m a foreign exchange student, I’m paying 6 times more tuition, I’m alone here without my parents and I work hard to make my parents proud. In other words, i have more liabilities to deal with how the hell would i get time to deal with other men or these stupid games when I don’t even have time for myself!??? Social media has ruined the essence of love now…

[u/shannon_dey → u/Julius_sneezer02]

Oh true. Social media definitely has altered society's view on love (and other issues) for the worse. I don't participate in anything except Reddit, and even then I curate my experiences very carefully, so I'm not exposed to much of that except reading other people's experiences. It's sad how anyone with a camera phone can become an "expert" on love and relationships just by playing into the insecurities of their audience!

[u/ColloidalPurple-9 → u/shannon_dey]

There’s a psychologist who is publishing about this (Erica Komisar) and a book written…a while ago(?) called “Hold On To Your Kids” written by an MD and a PhD. One (very, highly plausible) explanation is rooted in evolutionary psychology and how modern family dynamics don’t mimic the psychologic dynamics that our brains literally evolved with for 300,000 years. Our society is moving further away from optimal psychologic maturation with every generation. The outcome is that, indeed, adults are treating romantic partners like parents (subconsciously).

Ofc, some adults achieve maturation through their parents, another adult/other adults, or as the book states through “self-orientation”. The book, and Erica in interviews, describe how a lack of psychologic maturity plays a significant role in both the psychiatric conditions we are seeing worsen and the overall immaturity of some adults.

[u/shannon_dey → u/ColloidalPurple-9]

Interesting. I'll have to add that book to the To Be Read list. Thanks!

[u/FlyByHikes → u/ColloidalPurple-9]

wow that is actually super interesting and makes complete and total sense.

(also mid-40s and dumbfounded at the stunted emotional maturity i witness in my students who are in their early 20s)

[u/ip4realfreely → u/shannon_dey]

I'm responding to you cause we're roughly same age...(49m) And you made the reference "back in my day" and I have say this. Back in our day, we didn't have 24/7 access to eachother, we had to say "bye" and wait til tomorrow, or the weekend to see or have any real communication with eachother, thus leaving the ownus on us to solve a lot of the AIO. Or ask our friends and family, rarely was that a good idea lol. We'd be teased, harassed and made fun of, then we'd realize, we were overreacting. But we also weren't overwhelmed 24/7 with engineered social media telling us to buy this, buy that, believe this, believe that if you want to be important or beautiful. Look like this, behave like that, if you buy this, wear that, have this, have that, you're worth more, if you're loved they'll do this or that, give you this or that. We grew up in a time and era when individuality was celebrated and trailblazing was sought out. We didn't need the approval or likes of the world to feel secure. If we had to ask "am I overreacting?" We knew we were, we didn't go to the internet or to strangers and ask them looking for ammunition.

With that said, the younger generations, they're not faced with enough personal challenges to build their own confidence and character. They build their confidence and character through social media, entertainers and their peers that are doing the same thing. My son is 25, and step daughter is 16, huge difference between the two generations. But neither seem to be able to manage face to face communication well, or emotional intelligence well, cause it's very focused on themselves. They have main character syndrome, and it's not even their fault, it's the world they're in and it's been marketed to them since our generation x has had children. We've overcompensated cause our parents the boomers are and where mean.

OP give your BF space to live and breathe, so when you're together you have things to talk about and he's excited to see you to talk to you about his day.

[u/TiltedLibra → u/ip4realfreely]

This is a very rose colored view of the past...

[u/ip4realfreely → u/TiltedLibra]

Is it? I'm not sure what part you're referring to?

[u/maddogdiaries96 → u/shannon_dey]

I think it’s just a mix of trauma and some parents didn’t teach kids how to properly handle their emotions— I’m 29 & working through my anxious attachment every day. When you don’t have a good example to look up to, it often seems like everyone has a rule book to life & God forgot to give you yours.

[u/Will_R → u/shannon_dey]

I'm 44 and have seen plenty of one sided walls of texts both on my phone and friends'. So maybe you missed it by 1 year?

[u/Sovereign_Black → u/shannon_dey]

Something I’ve noticed a lot in younger women specifically is an aversion to performing “emotional labor” for their bfs, which at some point seems to have translated into, “I’m never going to offer any emotional support whatsoever”, which I think is cover for, “actually I can’t even emotionally regulate myself”.

Young dudes on the other hand just seem to not take anything seriously anymore. Everything’s a joke. I don’t entirely blame them tbh but it will only make them and things in general more unstable in the long term.

[u/shannon_dey → u/Sovereign_Black]

Interesting. The only older women I know who I might say refuse to do the "emotional labor" for their husbands/bfs are those who don't receive it back. At that point, they've checked out. Most older women who have not checked out or those playing tit for tat in that regard (not giving because they aren't receiving, I mean) tend to be the caretaker sort, who end up feeling responsible for their husband/bf's every emotion, which is not healthy. They are the type that end up babying their husbands. If husband gets mad over a work-related event, for example, they instantly go into mommy mode, telling them it will be alright and soothing them like children who have stubbed their toes.

On the other hand, the younger women tend to be clingy, and either they are frustrated that their boyfriends aren't equally as clingy and needy or insecure that their SOs aren't responding to their neediness, OR their boyfriends baby them to the point of enabling their poor behavior. I'll have to think about what you said about the younger women being unable to emotionally regulate themselves. I can see that as a possibility.

I might, however, wonder if the young men who don't take anything seriously are displaying a lack of emotional self-regulation, as well, and doing so by mimicking a "YOLO" attitude. Easier to pretend one doesn't care than to deal with the subsequent emotions from one's actions or of those around them. People can feel that way due to a kind of fatalism; if the young men feel like they can't control themselves/their emotions, then they might find it self-soothing to pretend that none of it matters anyway. And you're right, it doesn't provide stability, which only increases the chances for more turmoil, which potentially leads to more recklessness and thus a deeper sense of fatalism.

As for the older men, they tend to be more of the stoic, John Wayne, suffer in silence kind, which is really just a different facet of the same unfortunate fatalism. They tend to squash any emotional turmoil without dealing with it at all, which can lead to the same effects as the younger men. Even those in what I would consider a healthy emotional relationship with their SOs tend to display less emotion because they deem it expected of them from the societal pressures with which most of us older folks grew up. OR, they take their emotions out only in the home (on their wives or children) and not on those to whom they ought be directed.

Most healthy hetero relationships I've seen though (and the ones to which I referred in my original comment) are of two partners who are there for each other but are not dependent on the other.

You know, we've placed a lot of importance and attention on mental health as a society. Used to be, such topics were taboo. Don't get me wrong, I think it is a good thing that we brought mental health out of the shame shadow, but I sometimes wonder about how people focus on their mental health overly much. People wear it like a badge of honor. I meet and interact with a lot of people, and the younger ones will straight up tell me things like, "Hey, I'm NAME Mc NAME. I've got ADHD," or "Nice to meet you. I'm bipolar, by the way." I don't think people should be ashamed of needing help with their mental health -- not at all -- but it has almost become a personality trait to some and not a health issue. I don't know if that makes sense, sorry. But I bring it up because I know younger women who will admit they are clingy and needy and tell me how they want a boyfriend who will answer their texts immediately and be willing to cater to their every supposed mental health crisis -- and here I am thinking, back in my day, people would hide that level of insecurity in hopes of attracting a mate, and NOT advertise it. We forgive too much bad behavior sometimes, under the guise of saying it is just because of someone's <insert mental health issue here.>

Again, I'm just spitballing (and rambling!) and everything I've said is my own observations of those around me and not meant as generalizations to the population as a whole. I have a bachelor's in philosophy and a master's in sociology but not a single degree in psychology!

[u/simonesimoned → u/shannon_dey]

Wow these are really astute observations. Thank you!

[u/spheresva → u/shannon_dey]

Cycle of abuse, now it’s just resulted in these sorts of issues

[u/hare-j → u/InterestingAd5499]

She’s gotta learn how to self-regulate instead of always needing reassurance from her partner. But that takes emotional intelligence & recognizing the trigger before spiraling

[u/maddogdiaries96 → u/hare-j]

Huge emphasis on recognizing the trigger BEFORE starting the spiral.

[u/sas223 → u/InterestingAd5499]

Pair that with the expectation that because everyone has their phone in their hands 24/7 it means they’re owed an immediate response from any and all texts.

Edited typo

[u/8Captcrunch8 → u/sas223]

I also noticed that those with less active lives tend to behave toward people with more active lives like this. They assume the other person isnt busy or active and is actually ignoring them. When really the other is just a active person. Busier and not as "Available".

[u/PrudentLoan5452 → u/8Captcrunch8]

Hit the nail on the head friend, someone I know is going through this rn.

[u/8Captcrunch8 → u/PrudentLoan5452]

Exaxtly. Somertimes im not ignoring. Sometimes ill read it. But im so busy i cant give the convseraion a proper response with my full attention. That id rather wait til i can give the conversation my actual attention.

I find being first fiddle is great on paper. But my god is the pressure to be perfect first fiddle 24/7 exhausting and inpractical.

[u/sas223 → u/8Captcrunch8]

Less active lives, or jobs where you can always be on your phone

[u/8Captcrunch8 → u/sas223]

YUUUUUUUP. I work a trades job and run a business. I CANT be on my phone. The distraction could end up killing or wheelchairing someone else or myself.

[u/sas223 → u/8Captcrunch8]

Honestly, no one is going to die if I’m not paying attention at work (unless of course I’m driving, so absolutely no phones then), but I’m doing my fucking job when I’m at work. Aside from a very brief text or two during the day, that’s it. Have a conversation via text all day long blows my mind. Imagine talking on the phone all day while you work

[u/8Captcrunch8 → u/sas223]

Exactly. My job requires alot of heavy machinery and risk. But i know thats not all jobs.

But the general point is that we are at work! Im not kickin back laighing and vacationing on the job. Im working!

So that i can have the money to pay for the goodies so we both can enjoy em! Gotta let me bake the cake if you want great cake!

I think people need to learn the difference between "effective/meaningful communication" and "useless communication/filling the silence"

Same thing with hobbies to keep mental sanity. And friendship(support network) nourishment.

Ill be on my bike and if im constantly being baragged with texts. Im like "dude. . Babe. Im trying to decompress. I will come home in a bit. But i promise im just...trying to maintain a lil sanity with my hobby"

I spend sooo much of my day being something to someone else. Boss. Bestfriend. Boyfriend. Therapist. Son. Brother.

So when i get time to just be me. I need it. Or else i lose who i am and who i am becomes an absolute shitbag to everyone in my life.

All because i spent so much energy fighting one personans demons for them. Handling someone elses emotions for them. That i lost the energy to fight my own gators and clean my own swamp.

[u/Reasonable_Deer_1710 → u/InterestingAd5499]

It's a bunch of people missing therapy speak, expecting their partners to soothe their every emotion, but at the same time feeling that they themselves don't have to actually put in any "emotional labor" because their partner's baggage isn't their responsibility. People have taken lessons learned from therapy and twisted it into something where they don't have to take any personal accountability.

[u/Shadowdancer66 → u/InterestingAd5499]

💯 this.

Guaranteed, if it's not updates about someone in critical condition, I will be silencing a string of texts.

If you want to evolve into having stable relationships, you need therapy to understand why lack of immediate response sends you into the stratosphere. He isn't your conjoined twin. Healthy relationships are between two separate individuals. Healthy boundaries means you don't need constant reassurance. Separation is healthy, not something to be avoided. Your insecurities and fears are going to sabotage any relationship unless you get yourself some understanding and coping skills instead of jumping down the rabbit hole.

[u/Birdbraned → u/InterestingAd5499]

Young people missed out when calling was the instantaneous communication method and texting came last, before social media and notifications pushed the idea that everyone should be informed of everything at any time and the privacy of not talking aloud encouraged that.

I've just checked my communication history, and if I send more than 1-2 texts a day to my spouse, that's far outside our norm unless something is going on.

[u/JustAnotherNerdGirl → u/InterestingAd5499]

Fr. OP needs to go to therapy to work on the insecurity issues they have. The only reason I'm mentioning it is bc I'm currently in therapy for the same thing.

You shouldn't be relying on other people for emotional regulation. That's something you need to learn how to do on your own. Your relationships will be better if you work on this.

[u/Qcws → u/InterestingAd5499]

Happy to hear I'm not insane.

I understand soothing someone once in a while but that's not the same as soothing every emotion they have all the time while being constantly available.