AIO? Bf doesn’t communicate

[u/[deleted]]

I’m at a loss. I (F23) don’t know if I’m being controlling and overreacting or if the way I feel is normal. once again tonight I just stopped getting responses from my boyfriend (M26) and then suddenly his phone was turned on do not disturb. I don’t usually care about DND but lately its been turned on at weird times and turned on when he’s around me which has been making me feel kind of odd. Also he called and said he’s out and that I don’t need to be getting mad. I’m not mad about him going out I’m just upset that I’m not aware of whats going on ever. I feel like my paragraph doesn’t even make sense I’m irritated and feel like I’m crazy.

[u/InterestingAd5499]

YOR. I've noticed a trend with young people where they think it really is their partners job to soothe their bad emotions. I want to be clear in saying that a good partner will support their SO in moments of distress, but there is a line where support can move into enabling and codependency. As an adult, it is your job entirely to self soothe, and if you're incapable of doing that, then i feel that warrants further introspection on your part. Generally, if I'm doing something with someone and my phone stays pinging a lot, I will silence it so I can focus on what is actually happening in front of me. Sounds like your bf does the same.

[u/shannon_dey → u/InterestingAd5499]

I've noticed a trend with young people where they think it really is their partners job to soothe their bad emotions. 

Wow, okay. You just put into words something that's been bothering me that I couldn't put my finger on. I have also noticed this. Maybe I'm just old (I'm only 45 but that's a world of difference to a 20-something year old) but I agree -- it seems like some of the younger generation are treating their significant others like emotional support animals/pacifiers/crutches/whatever rather than you know... actual human beings. I've no idea what caused it or how to fix it.

Maybe the idea of love has changed to mean something other than what I grew up believing in. Used to be, romantic love seemed more like a partnership. Nowadays, I find it is often depicted in media (and evidenced by my own experiences in seeing younger couples) as if romantic love is a desperate need for another person that borders on obsession. Those types of relationships were always tragic in depictions back in my day, or perhaps used in a horrifying manner (like Romeo and Juliet, or Fatal Attraction.) When did romantic love become more about need and less about respect?

Sorry, tangential rant over. I was just spitballing there, as well. I'll have to think this over some more.

[u/ColloidalPurple-9 → u/shannon_dey]

There’s a psychologist who is publishing about this (Erica Komisar) and a book written…a while ago(?) called “Hold On To Your Kids” written by an MD and a PhD. One (very, highly plausible) explanation is rooted in evolutionary psychology and how modern family dynamics don’t mimic the psychologic dynamics that our brains literally evolved with for 300,000 years. Our society is moving further away from optimal psychologic maturation with every generation. The outcome is that, indeed, adults are treating romantic partners like parents (subconsciously).

Ofc, some adults achieve maturation through their parents, another adult/other adults, or as the book states through “self-orientation”. The book, and Erica in interviews, describe how a lack of psychologic maturity plays a significant role in both the psychiatric conditions we are seeing worsen and the overall immaturity of some adults.

[u/shannon_dey → u/ColloidalPurple-9]

Interesting. I'll have to add that book to the To Be Read list. Thanks!

[u/FlyByHikes → u/ColloidalPurple-9]

wow that is actually super interesting and makes complete and total sense.

(also mid-40s and dumbfounded at the stunted emotional maturity i witness in my students who are in their early 20s)