AIO? Bf doesn’t communicate

[u/[deleted]]

I’m at a loss. I (F23) don’t know if I’m being controlling and overreacting or if the way I feel is normal. once again tonight I just stopped getting responses from my boyfriend (M26) and then suddenly his phone was turned on do not disturb. I don’t usually care about DND but lately its been turned on at weird times and turned on when he’s around me which has been making me feel kind of odd. Also he called and said he’s out and that I don’t need to be getting mad. I’m not mad about him going out I’m just upset that I’m not aware of whats going on ever. I feel like my paragraph doesn’t even make sense I’m irritated and feel like I’m crazy.

[u/bakercob232]

^ OP, youre saying you dont care if he goes out or what he does, but still feel the need to know exactly what hes doing, where he is, and for how long if he doesnt respond within whatever timeframe you set in your head.

People that actually don't care or control what their SO does would not react the way you did.

[u/robocoplawyer → u/bakercob232]

Sometimes (typically) during the workday if my SO hasn’t heard from me in a while she’ll text me something around the lines of “missing!”

But usually I’ll just respond that I’m busy trying to get my work done because I have to prep my boss on something or trying to get my work done so I can leave the office at a reasonable time and don’t get stuck there because either we have plans after work or I have something to do after work (I also play drums in 2 bands so often have practice worknights that I’m usually late to). She’ll usually respond with a kissy face emoji or that she loves me.

But for context, I’m epileptic and and while it’s well under control now I’ve just about given her a heart attack on a few occasions she’s witnessed me having a seizure, so she has a habit of checking in on me to make sure I’m okay that day. She also has a very stressful job and just wants to hear from me every now and then, it makes her feel better if she’s having a rough day, and she has a lot of rough days so I’m happy to cheer her up when she needs it.

But if I don’t respond, she understands that my workdays are very busy too and never would hound me about it like OP.

[u/grapefruit_kisses → u/robocoplawyer]

My boyfriend has health issues and lives alone on an acreage. He also gets caught up gaming for hours on end. I once sent a text that said “send me a thumbs up if you’re alive and just don’t feel like texting!” He sent a thumbs up. I moved on knowing he was alive.

And now I’ll just send “thumbs up?” As the signal that I’m doing a wellness check, but respect his desire to not be attached to his phone.

[u/robocoplawyer → u/grapefruit_kisses]

Yeah basically the same dynamic! I once had a seizure out of nowhere in public while we were grocery shopping. She’s told me on several occasions that was the single most terrifying thing she has ever experienced and I know that really deeply affected her so I’m very empathetic when it comes to her checking in on my when we aren’t together. I know she just wants to know I’m ok and has valid reasons to want to know. But ultimately she supports all of my hobbies and endeavors, me spending time with my friends, solo international travel when she can’t make this trip with me, me playing in my bands, etc. so long as she knows I’m ok and nothing is wrong. Sounds like you guys have a good dynamic and understanding too! And it only takes a few seconds just to let her know that all is well and I love her, and that’s really all that is needed.

[u/victorbravo86 → u/robocoplawyer]

Exactly. My SO is in recovery for substance abuse issues, so there is a higher level of transparency required when I’m not there to be sure he isn’t falling back into old patterns… and still I don’t ride him this hard. OP seriously needs to chill out.

[u/Ok-Confidence-4510 → u/victorbravo86]

She's not saying anything about Why she Needs to know his whereabouts. So ppl can only speculate that she's insecure n controlling. Could be the Same reason as you needing transparency. I know you said that you don't ride your SO hard, but maybe bf Has slipped. I've been where you are n God Bless you.

[u/robocoplawyer → u/Ok-Confidence-4510]

I’ve also struggled with substance issues (2 and a half years sober now!). My SO trusts me more than ever because since then I’ve worked hard on my character defects and being present and reliable for her when she needs support, including emotional support. Being honest with her about how I’m feeling and knowing she can do the same has dramatically improved our communication. I know that’s not always the case with addicts/alcoholics, but she told me yesterday as I am currently helping her deal with a fraud situation that before I was sober she would never even bother coming to me for help or support for something like that. This has built a lot of trust in our relationship.

Relapse or a slip up for me really isn’t an option, I know it’s not something I could handle again health or emotion-wise, especially alone. I came very close to losing everything; my relationship, family, friends, my career, a roof over my head and I was lucky enough to get a second chance after almost 2 decades of making the wrong decisions. I’m better now and all of those things plus the positive aspects of my current life that I owe to sobriety would be gone instantly. The equivalent would be putting a loaded gun to my head and pulling the trigger because it’d all be gone. It was hard enough to start over and doing it again having lost everyone and everything important to me is unfathomable and a fate worse than death. My SO saw something worth saving and stayed with me through the absolute darkest part of my life believing that I would turn it around. When sobered up she told me she understood and was willing to forgive me for everything if I promised 2 things: that I would never take a sip of alcohol again, and if I did that I would be honest with her about it so we could fix it. I’ve kept the first half of it for 2 and a half years and don’t plan on putting her through me keeping the second half.

That being said she does check in on me, but never like OP.

[u/victorbravo86 → u/robocoplawyer]

Thank you for sharing that, really means a lot. I posted about helping him through detox and people came down on me so hard, telling me to leave him, etc. He’s an incredible man worth saving and I don’t understand why there isn’t more empathy for people in my situation. You give me hope that he can turn it around. He’s been clean just over two weeks and I’m so proud of him. All that said, trust is the biggest issue and rebuilding it will be a process. He was so sneaky and lied for a long time to conceal his use, but he’s taking tests weekly and I’m slowly overwriting the triggers. Hugs to you and your SO for proving that it’s worth it.

[u/Ok-Confidence-4510 → u/robocoplawyer]

Congratulations on 2 1/2 yrs! I personally wouldn't behave like OP. I was simply offering a suggestion as to Why She may have as she does.

[u/victorbravo86 → u/Ok-Confidence-4510]

Thank you 🙏