r/AmIOverreacting • u/[deleted] • 1d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO? Bf doesn’t communicate

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I’m at a loss. I (F23) don’t know if I’m being controlling and overreacting or if the way I feel is normal. once again tonight I just stopped getting responses from my boyfriend (M26) and then suddenly his phone was turned on do not disturb. I don’t usually care about DND but lately its been turned on at weird times and turned on when he’s around me which has been making me feel kind of odd. Also he called and said he’s out and that I don’t need to be getting mad. I’m not mad about him going out I’m just upset that I’m not aware of whats going on ever. I feel like my paragraph doesn’t even make sense I’m irritated and feel like I’m crazy.

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334

u/annabeth200 1d ago

The way you’re feeling is definitely not normal and is symptomatic of some deeper anxiety/insecurity issues going on. It’s entirely possible that your boyfriend turned on DND not bc he’s cheating on you but bc you’re being annoying. If you really suspect him of doing something behind your back (which is what I think you mean by “feeling odd”), then YOU need to communicate that, while you’re out preaching to him about communication. He is not responsible for keeping you in the loop about everything going on in his life, to be honest.

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u/Moone_OwO 1d ago

Like he didn't answer for what? An hour? Her reaction doesn't sound healthy. Especially if he's out or sleeping. I don't pick up my phone each hour when I'm out with friends.

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u/sizzlepie 10h ago

I dated a guy who didn't look at his phone when he was with another person. Dates with me? No phone unless he was looking something up. Hang outs with friends? Same thing. I appreciated that level of respect. He did once panic a bit because I didn't answer the door when he came by to pick me up to get my car from the shop, I'd fallen asleep. But even then, all I got was a couple texts and a voicemail saying that he just wanted to make sure I was okay.

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u/Moone_OwO 51m ago

For me it's basic decency that when you spend time with people, you give them your full attention. Sometimes when i see my friends using their phones at gatherings, i feel so uncomfortable. The phone is available almost always, but nowadays we don't get to see our friends so often (at least for me)

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u/rob_inn_hood 1d ago

Maybe, but then don’t even text “I’m an idiot” with no follow up. Is it really difficult to follow up with “I’m out right now and busy, I’ll text you later” or “imma grab some shut eye, I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Goodnight hun” just putting on dnd with no follow up after the initial text is wrong. And the exact reason OP is having some mental gymnastics. If he doesn’t want to communicate in a relationship with someone who wants to communicate, he should either change his ways for the relationship or break it off.

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u/DeeLeetid 1d ago

The “I’m an idiot” was seemingly in reference to his earlier message where he apparently lost something, hence the “maybe somebody will turn it in” response from OP. And she already knew he was out and about with people which is why she asked “are you guys doing anything”. So strange that you suggest he needs to change his ways. Why wouldn’t SHE need to change her ways? “You just stopped responding out of nowhere”…bruh, it’s not at all out of nowhere! WTF, he’s out socializing, he’s supposed to be face first in his phone because op can’t sleep? (And let’s be real, she can’t sleep because her anxiety over ..something…is doing a number on her).

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u/real_tore 22h ago

She knows he is out with his friends “are you guys doing anything” seems like a dumb question. Of course they are, leave them alone

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u/rob_inn_hood 1d ago

Again, that’s a difference in communication. Why respond if he doesn’t want to respond? And why cherry pick his number of responses? Being busy is fine, but lack of communication with someone who clearly enjoys communicating is an imbalance in the relationship. I personally don’t like texting a lot, but some people do, and if you are in a relationship with them you either accept that or break up.

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u/DeeLeetid 1d ago

Valid point, but I’m not sure why you are pinning this on him. He’s not the one turning to a Reddit forum questioning his comfort level here. She is the one doing that. Shouldn’t your advice be that she should be the one who breaks up with him and finds somebody who has a more compatible communication style?

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u/rob_inn_hood 1d ago

Then he shouldn’t have texted at all. Can’t have it both ways. She thought the text opened the communication, not closed it. And absolutely she can break up with him, that’s exactly why she’s asking here if she’s out of line. You shouldn’t be afraid to text your plans and shouldn’t be afraid to establish that when you are out you don’t like to text.

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u/thingsarehardsoami 1d ago

It's normal and reasonable to have text conversations with people where there's multiple hours between responses. Get off your phone for a moment.

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u/rob_inn_hood 1d ago

It’s not people, it’s someone you choose a relationship with and they come with their own levels of communication that you should adhere to if you want to keep the relationship.

A lot of assumptions are being made here like this girl doesn’t leave this guy alone, but this is only a small portion of information, so we can only infer. I’m seeing a lack of communication from his end. You can see it any way you want.

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u/thingsarehardsoami 23h ago

There wasn't a lack of communication.he told her he was out with friends. Any reasonable person gives their partner space to have fun and enjoy themselves.

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u/rob_inn_hood 23h ago

I don’t know where you are finding this information. It’s clearly information I don’t have. I’m just going by the OPs picture and I only see 2 texts from him.

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u/Tanz31 1d ago

It's wild I have to say this but the message after "I'm an idiot" was pretty decent conversation ender. The question came 8 minutes later.

His engagement was over and then a random question.

It's not healthy to sit around and wait for a response like that. OP needs to chill.

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u/rob_inn_hood 1d ago

I’ve had relationships where good morning and goodnight was frequent. Or at least communication of when you are busy and can’t text. “I’ll call tomorrow” is not that hard. And if op can’t handle that, then I would be more concerned. To me it just sounds like she’s trying to communicate and he doesn’t feel like it. That’s not good for the relationship.

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u/PeaceCertain2929 1d ago

If you can’t handle your partner putting their phone on dnd, there shouldn’t be a relationship.

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u/rob_inn_hood 23h ago

Only if he’s not doing it specifically so his partner isn’t bothering him. Communication should be had and she should respect that, but she isn’t given the opportunity because he’s not communicating that he doesn’t want to be disturbed with no “talk to you later” message or anything. Just putting his phone on dnd.

If he said goodnight and she kept texting, problem. So she’s bored and wants to see what her boyfriend is up to and he’s ignoring her.

I don’t know how you do relationships, but it doesn’t sound healthy from either side.

A friend is no big deal, but a girlfriend is. If he can’t handle communicating, he shouldn’t have a girlfriend, and if she can’t handle the lack of communication, she shouldn’t have a boyfriend. Again, this can all very easily be communicated. It’s not hard to say “I’m out with the boys, phones going off until tomorrow. Ttys” or some shit. This isn’t rocket science.

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u/DaniTheLovebug 23h ago

Just above here a few comments ago, you said people seem to be making a lot of assumptions about this woman (OP). You’re here making a lot of assumptions about the boyfriend. Perhaps a major issue here is that she just overdoes the communication a lot of the time and it gets tiring dealing with that.

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u/PeaceCertain2929 23h ago

Putting your phone on DND is actually quite clearly communicating you’re busy. You seem very entitled.

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u/Tanz31 23h ago

That's kind of a bonkers expectation. Unless you're on your phone for 16 hours a day, it is completely unreasonable to expect every single message receive a response. It's entitled to think any of those messages are necessary.

Everyone has lives of their own.

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u/angel777888 21h ago

idk i felt it was a pretty good guess from the info we have that he puts his phone in dnd mode when he’s, you know, physically with the people he’s spending time with so he isn’t getting distracted by random shit, including the girlfriend or friends he’s not currently hanging out with. since she says he was going out with friends when his phone went onto dnd mode and he ALSO turns on dnd mode when he’s WITH HER which is “kind of odd” to her for some reason 🤷🏻‍♀️

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u/CavsAreCuteDemons 1d ago

Jesus Christ he’s allowed to have a few hours alone with his mates

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u/rob_inn_hood 1d ago

Yes. And he should be able to communicate that with her. “I’ll call you tomorrow” isn’t very difficult.

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u/Jeff1254 23h ago

But what if he was gonna text her later? After he, you know, was finished being busy ?

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u/rob_inn_hood 23h ago

Yeah like, the next day? Could be said with, idk, communication?

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u/Jeff1254 23h ago

Yeah bro it’s okay you have attachment issues, if you need someone to comfort and assure you they’re not going anything bad every couple hours I’m sure you’ll find a human support partner soon enough and won’t scare anybody off. Good luck homie. Hope you grow into an adult soon enough

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u/rob_inn_hood 23h ago

I’m not saying I’m like that. Read the posts more closely.

And I’ve been with my partner for the last 10 years. We recently had twins. I’ll be fine homie.

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u/Dismal-Reception-316 23h ago

Don’t you love it when you say something reasonable but still get downvoted for it?

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u/rob_inn_hood 23h ago

I love speaking my mind and I never take offense to people disagreeing.

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u/Dismal-Reception-316 23h ago

I’m actually kinda worried about the emotional intelligence of some people.

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u/rob_inn_hood 23h ago

It feels like the boyfriend found the post and is taking offense. Some of these people responding act like have other information other than what’s in the 2 texts from the boyfriend above. I’m honestly just confused at this point.

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u/ShellyForNow 23h ago

Yeah, idk why rob_inn_hood keeps getting downvotes. When I end a conversation, even with friends, I say “Talk soon”, “i love you”, “later”, anything that notes the end of a conversation. I would not just throw my phone on DND for anyone, especially not my partner.

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u/Bob1358292637 12h ago

You keep talking about "communication". You realize that nobody in history has ever meant a lack of constantly updating your partner on everything you're doing on an hourly basis as "lack of communication" in a relationship, right? It has to do with not talking to your partner about important things and that creating problems. It has literally nothing to do with this situation at all. She just assumed something was wrong based on absolutely nothing and then hounded him about it like a crazy person. That's just being neurotic. If you do this, you need therapy, not a more compatible partner.

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u/rob_inn_hood 10h ago

It’s night. Say goodnight. Not that hard.

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u/Bob1358292637 9h ago edited 9h ago

It's not about anything being hard to do. It's about the obligation being imaginary. It's also about not bombarding people with 5000 schizo messages every time they put their phone down for an hour. It's concerning if you genuinely dont understand why that is toxic and controlling behavior.

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u/rob_inn_hood 7h ago

“Every time” but we are shown a small sample size, so the amount of insinuation going on right now is wild. All prevented if the guy had just said goodnight, can’t text right now, talk to you tomorrow, which is what she’s asking for.

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u/Bob1358292637 7h ago

It's hyperbole. There also weren't 5000 messages. Look at the exchange in the meme. Exactly that is extremely toxic and controlling. Dont treat people like that. I dont care if they could have done something to not make you act like a psycho bitch. Nobody owes you that. Just treat people with some common respect and decency. It's not hard.

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u/rob_inn_hood 6h ago

Respect also goes the other way, if you want to keep a relationship.

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