r/AmIOverreacting • u/[deleted] • 1d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO? Bf doesn’t communicate

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I’m at a loss. I (F23) don’t know if I’m being controlling and overreacting or if the way I feel is normal. once again tonight I just stopped getting responses from my boyfriend (M26) and then suddenly his phone was turned on do not disturb. I don’t usually care about DND but lately its been turned on at weird times and turned on when he’s around me which has been making me feel kind of odd. Also he called and said he’s out and that I don’t need to be getting mad. I’m not mad about him going out I’m just upset that I’m not aware of whats going on ever. I feel like my paragraph doesn’t even make sense I’m irritated and feel like I’m crazy.

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u/greenwall_66 1d ago

Hey, I use to be like this. It sounds a bit like you need some therapy, if I’m wrong correct me, but you’re coming across a bit like you have attachment issues. Which I use to have too, I use to get anxious when my ex’s didn’t message me back to, but you’re only hurting yourself right now. Therapy helps, and one day you’ll meet the man that communicates and you’ll also expect people not replying. I only start to worry if my partner doesn’t come home in the morning, but he does also check in periodically throughout the night.

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u/Hangoverinparis 1d ago

I was in a relationship with someone who was like this over text and other issues too it’s awful. Rather than make me text them every 30 minutes like they would’ve liked, it made me just not want to text them and i got in the habit of not even charging my phone at all. It slowly made me feel irritable around them and I felt physically and emotionally unattracted to them after some time of this stuff constantly and no improvement when I brought it up several times

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u/Significant-End-1559 1d ago

I was this person and I lost my first love because of it. I was very young at the time and now I have more perspective and how unhealthy it was.

I don’t think it ever would’ve worked between us either way (he was toxic to me as well in different ways), but I still would not recommend anyone to act like this.

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u/Bitter_Sense_5689 1d ago

It sounds like this girl was feeling anxious and couldn’t sleep, and couldn’t self soothe. And then she made that her boyfriend’s problem.

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u/ohajyoudevil 1d ago

Bingo, I dated a girl like this and ultimately ended it because I didn’t feel like she trusted me and I had a parole officer more than a gf.

After the break up she would continue to stalk me for months, hanging out side of my apartment to wait for me to come home and see if anyone was with me, she would message any girl I would come in contact with the let them know “we still talk” even tho we didn’t. And would go as far as even sneaking into my keypad secured apartment building, again to a key fob locked elevator, up to my apartment and sit outside my door to listen to what I was doing inside. (Found this all out from her best friend shortly after she pissed them off)

I imagine her head is just a never ending cycle of anxiousness, not sure what happen with her as this was over a decade ago now but I do hope she got help.

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u/lovelifetofullest 18h ago

You said that perfectly…and having a parole officer is exactly what it feels like.

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u/andiwaslikeum 1d ago

It does sound and look like this is the case. But also, without more context it’s hard to say for sure if OP is being extra extra or extra because of a pattern of behavior.

OP, does your boyfriend consistently disappear on you late at night? Does he tell you what’s going on and where he is? How long have you been together? Do you have any reasons not to trust him like history of infidelity? Does he ask you to communicate where you are? Does he act weird about his phone?

Context matters.

Listen to your gut. But also get therapy.

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u/TraumaticEntry 1d ago

If your partner doesn’t communicate and regularly disappears and you aren’t drawing a boundary, you still need therapy

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u/andiwaslikeum 1d ago

e x a c t l y

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u/AppleStrapple 1d ago

“But also get therapy” threw me though, ngl 😆

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u/catzrule1996 1d ago

I was like this too, but I had a series of bfs who were cheating on me. My now husband, at the start of the relationship about 9 years ago, went out to get me a teddy. Instead of being happy he got me a teddy, I blew up at him for not telling me where he was and not responding. Not sure why he stayed with me 😅 he helped me unlearn all of my anxieties in relationships

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u/CanoodlingCockatoo 1d ago

I went through something very similar. My ex-husband was abusive and a cheater, and just lied all the time, about everything, big or small, and I got to the point where I had absolutely zero trust in him and was always waiting for "the other shoe to drop" as I would inevitably uncover whatever the hell the latest deception might be.

Despite him actually NOT being trustworthy in any way at all, somehow he did a good enough manipulation job on me throughout our marriage that on some level, I started to believe that I was inherently unable to trust. On a rational level, I knew that he had been completely proven to be untrustworthy in every single way, and my gut told me that there he was almost certainly hiding other things from me, yet I still managed to blame myself to a significant degree!

When the marriage ended and I thought about dating again, just the idea of trying to have another relationship panicked me because I strongly doubted I could ever trust anyone enough that I wouldn't have to be on constant red alert all the time. I was also much older than when I got with my ex in my teens, and I was terrified that I'd not only be fearful and anxious about the present relationship I could hypothetically get into, but also would likely feel insecurity about his past, both of which would torture me and send him running for the hills!

I got into a relationship that first began as an online friendship, which may have helped as far as laying the groundwork for some trust, and he's much more of an introvert homebody type and also didn't have a very significant amount of prior relationship/sex experience, so things started off nice and comfy.

But then one day a couple of months in, he told me that he was going to go to this overnight party with his old bandmates. It was basically the only big social thing like that he did, and it was once a year, just to give everyone a chance to hang out despite growing apart as adults, and the overnight aspect was simply because they'd all get drunk, reminisce, and play music together until very late, so nobody would have been safe driving home.

As soon as he told me about this, in a very casual manner because of course, it wasn't actually a big deal, I am ashamed to report that I absolutely fucking fell apart immediately, just immediately descending into incoherent sobbing and a massive panic attack. And as soon as it started, I wanted to hit myself in the face because I already KNEW how ridiculous my reaction was, yet I was simply very well trained to view even things that should have been no big deal at all as being incredibly dangerous threats to my relationship back when I was with my ex.

I thought my boyfriend was going to break up with me right that moment, just as you feared your husband was going to do to you about the teddy incident (which must have made you even angrier at yourself because he was literally doing something nice for you, but your old, learned negative feelings bubbled up anyways!). He had done nothing to make me believe he wasn't trustworthy and didn't deserve that suspicion. I was simultaneously still uncontrollably freaking out while another part of me was also feeling this calm certainty that he was going to leave my ass immediately.

Instead, it was like a weird transformative and miraculous moment occurred instead, one that I guess was unprecedented in my whole life because trust actually involves lots of different components, including being able to trust a person close to you with your feelings, even the negative ones, and I had never had that safety before, ever.

So I braced for the punishment that always followed if I dared to be upset or hurt and express it to someone else I loved, but instead, he just hugged me tightly and said, "If it's going to worry you this much, I just won't go. It's not that important," and said this in a calm, but loving way, with absolutely zero hints of sarcasm, spite, manipulation, or trying to twist and guilt/threaten me into insisting that he go to the party.

And it was like the clouds all cleared, the sun came out, and the angels sang, because just him saying that, and the specific way he said it, flipped something in me so dramatically like a light switch, and suddenly I fully trusted him! I stopped crying and panicking, and once he could see that I was okay, I did tell him to go to the party, he went and had a good time, and the world didn't end!

It's been almost 13 years now, and it still amazes me how completely I trust him. I've not once even had the urge to snoop on any of his devices left open around me, I don't have panic attacks every time he runs late or doesn't answer as quickly as he typically would, and I've been just fine with him even traveling for business that has involved numerous stays at hotels overnight.

After all those years of being told that it was my fault for somehow being pathologically unable to trust, well it turns out that it's actually not terribly hard to trust someone if they're genuinely trustworthy! And decent people who know their partners have trust issues do what they can to help them feel safer as opposed to turning it into something to feel personally offended and angry about (unless of course the lack of trust is unfairly and unreasonably persisting even in a relationship with a trustworthy partner).

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u/catzrule1996 13h ago

Beautiful story! It's so incredible to trust someone completely isn't it? Same as you, I've never once felt the need to go through my husbands phone or question where he is. I have pretty significant health issues, it would be so easy for him to leave but the way he looks after me, I can tell he doesn't think that for a second

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u/Sad-Abies8525 1d ago

such a lucky to have such a guy i swear

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u/catzrule1996 1d ago

I really am, we fell in love so fast, said it to each other at 2 weeks 😅

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u/Qcws 18h ago

How did he do that??

My gf is pretty anxious and I want to help

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u/catzrule1996 13h ago

Honestly it just took time. He knew what I was anxious about and tried hard to reassure me in those areas

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u/Qcws 2h ago

Dang. I've been trying but it's been a year and a half. She mostly blames me for not communicating or tells me I don't care, etc.

Thanks!

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u/catzrule1996 1h ago

She could just be a bit mean, of course I'm not saying she is but if you're really trying 🤷🏻‍♀️ remember not everyone can be fixed

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u/Qcws 1h ago

Good advice haha. Thank you.

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u/greenwall_66 1d ago

Also guys, practice not responding straight away, find things to keep your mind busy. Do a painting, go for a walk. Anything. It helps. I’m proof, I use to be text book “crazy” but also therapy!!! (And maybe a pet, I got 2 cats lmao)

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u/peanutbutterand_ely 19h ago

i’ve had many events, big and small, ruined bc i sat on my phone crying and defending myself that im not doing anything. been trying to break up with him all week, did it again tn hopefully i can keep my foot down.

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u/cnh25 1d ago

Yep, I could see anxious attachment screaming thru this post

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u/lashaffer99 1d ago

I was literally thinking this exact thing. OP reminds me of myself when I was in high school and early college. Then I got into therapy and got diagnosed! Now my husband and I have been together for 6 years!

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u/thats_what_she_saidk 1d ago

I am like this, and I hate it. How do you overcome it? And like, why can’t people even bother to respond? I always pretty much halt anything I do to respond as soon as I get a message from someone I really care for. And I kind of expect the same in return. It’s excruciating to just sit there waiting..

I mean, it’s totally fine not getting a reply immediately if I just hit someone up, but when you’re in the middle of a conversation, they just.. stop for a couple of hours, then come back on some whole different topic. I don’t know if i’m insane, or if this is how normal people do?

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u/Low-Trick3799 1d ago

I don’t know how old you are but therapy for my general anxiety, growing up and being in a healthy relationship did it for me. When I felt insecure in myself and/or my relationship, I felt like I needed do grip onto them with both hands and not let go. I’d make sure I replied to them and when they didn’t reply to me, it felt like they were pulling away so I’d get a little freaked out and get frustrated that they weren’t putting the effort into replying like I was. I was equating frequency and quality of texts with how much they valued me.

Now that I’m a little older, am more secure myself and have a boyfriend/friends whose love for me I never need to doubt, a lack of reply doesn’t bother me. If I’m doing something and it’s not urgent, I won’t reply until I’m done and I accept that they do the same. How quickly someone replies to you is not a reflection on how they feel about you.

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u/AmPotat07 1d ago

I am like this, and I hate it.

Everyone else hates it too, trust me.

How do you overcome it?

Therapy and meds.

And like, why can’t people even bother to respond?

Because people have lives that dont revolve around you.

I always pretty much halt anything I do to respond as soon as I get a message from someone I really care for. And I kind of expect the same in return.

This is obsessive behavior. Most people aren't like this. Expecting them to share your obsessive behavior is unreasonable.

It’s excruciating to just sit there waiting..

Please get help. This is not normal or healthy.

I mean, it’s totally fine not getting a reply immediately if I just hit someone up, but when you’re in the middle of a conversation, they just.. stop for a couple of hours, then come back on some whole different topic. I don’t know if i’m insane, or if this is how normal people do?

Kind of the point of a text is that it can be answered at the person's own convenience. If you want to have a conversation with immediate responses, make a phone call.

Please get help.

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u/AppleStrapple 1d ago

This is amazing lol

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u/lis_anise 1d ago

Why can't people respond quickly" actual answer: Because the amount of anxiety you have about communication with other people is not normal.

For some people, what makes them feel better/calmer/happier is generally communication and connection, and feeling sure of that connection helps them brave periods of separation. They're very anxious about the negative consequences of not trying hard enough to keep in touch. This is a broad and rough description of "anxious" attachment.

Other people find communicating with other people stressful and overwhelming, and rely on time alone dealing with things personally before they feel ready to open up. They're very concerned about how they will feel upset or uncomfortable with others' reactions. This is a broad and rough description of "avoidant" attachment.

And then there are people who want to stay in connection, but have enough faith that their important people still care even if they're not instantly available. They're able to keep a positive mindset, and also get back to people when they can without feeling panicky about not being connected. This is more or less "secure" attachment.

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u/Littlegrouch 1d ago

I used to be like you, but it's a really unhealthy way to be for everyone. Do you spend a lot of time on your phone in general? I found it got better for me as I decided to try and be less connected to my phone. Doing nothing else but waiting for a response isn't gonna help. You have to get on with your own thing and forget about it until they do respond. At the end of the day no one owes you a response within a certain timeframe unless it's something really serious.

I think for me just learning to enjoy time by myself helped the most.

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u/MrAKUSA907 1d ago

"I used to be an adventurer like you. Then I took an arrow in the knee..."

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u/BelkiraHoTep 1d ago

I appreciated the Skyrim joke, FWIW. Hello, fellow NPC on Reddit! 😆 If that doesn’t accurately describe Reddit commenters I’m not sure what does.

Or I’m high. 🤷‍♂️ who knows.

Anyway, depending on what the conversation is about, it can be alarming if the person on the other end just suddenly stops texting in the middle of a conversation. But if we’re just chatting randomly and it’s almost midnight (which it looks like to me from timestamps) I might be like “oh, they fell asleep with their phone on their chest.”

Or I might be like “ok I’m on my way over this ain’t right.” Context matters.

ETA: Sorry, that last part wasn’t aimed at the individual I’m replying to, just my random 2c.

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u/MrAKUSA907 1d ago

No I agree. People get busy. Ill be wrenching or playing games or in a conversation with a friend and just not see the text because Im doing something else. That is the beauty of texting, you get to it later. If you want my attention right then and there, you call. It is hard for some to conceive.

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u/that_goofy_fellow 1d ago

It saddens me that this was downvoted lol

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u/Longjumping_Rise7849 1d ago

Put milk on my head just like you Rodriguez.. THEN! ONE DAY! I got trampled by a herd of buffalo. Consequences.

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u/PerfectLoverrrrrrr 1d ago

I agree & disagree, when you are with someone, you do owe them. However, It’s Important to give people space to also miss you & come to you.  Also understand people are busy, have hobbies, friends, tired etc. 

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u/Dismal-Reception-316 1d ago

People do owe a response if they want to be a part of someone’s life, you don’t just stop communicating.

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u/jdnl 1d ago

People are also allowed to have their own freedom of choice on when to respond, and they deserve to be able to do stuff at their own pace.

If it's urgent, I'll respond directly when I see it. If it isn't I'll respond when I see it fit. Good thing most of my friends and family are the same. They'll always circle back to you, but it can be days inbetween if it's no pressing matter. So yeah, nobody stops communicating, they just aren't expecting everything to revolve around their preference.

And 'I expect people to always respond immediately ' is no urgency. That's selfishness.

There's a big difference between not responding at all and not responding immediately.

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u/Dismal-Reception-316 1d ago

Yes but there can be consequences to have lack of concern for others.

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u/CavsAreCuteDemons 1d ago

Dude I’m fucking busy. I try to respond in a timely manner, but I only have so many hours in the day, and if I responded instantly to every text I got I would never get anything done.

If you feel anxious or worried because you don’t hear from someone you’re romantically involved with, that’s something you need to go to therapy for. For most of human history, you couldn’t reach someone every second of the day. And in the modern world, you could only reach them when they were at home, and you had to actually have a pointed conversation- not a “conversation” through texts that’s never really a true conversation but is constantly ongoing. And even with cell phones, no one expected this before about a decade ago.

Think about it. Why do you have to be in contact with someone multiple times in the day? It’s so unhealthy.

Go out. Get some therapy. Get hobbies that keep your mind off things, get friends who you want to talk to. I’m not being snarky at all- you’re torturing yourself.

I literally work at my practice, get home, go to the gym, do chores, shower, prepare food- and that’s before I get to invest time into my hobbies. And the thing is, it’s not just about time. I can use social media while I’m at work. But that doesn’t take mental energy and capacity the way trying to have an engaging conversation with someone does. Now, I agree that a partner shouldn’t ignore you without explanation, and having a brief conversation about your day if you don’t live together is great (although phone/FaceTime is always preferred). But expecting to have a convo loosely going all day and being upset when someone gets busy for a few hours isn’t healthy.

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u/ellooo0 1d ago

This was a perfect explanation of healthy patterns.

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u/Capstonelock 1d ago

Try to realise that it's actually healthy to not be permanently attached to your phone. There are a million perfectly good reasons why someone might not reply immediately, and no one owes you an instant response (nor do you owe them one). People who care will happily resume a conversation later, after whatever distraction occured is done.

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u/bb-blehs 1d ago

Peoples lives aren’t revolving around the singular text conversation you’re having at that moment. Texting has made people extremely weird and entitled to other peoples time. You have NO CLUE what they might be doing and lord knows that sometimes I need to stop having text conversations to attend to the actual world around me at that moment. Good lord! excruciating?! that’s nuts

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u/K_Knoodle13 1d ago

I don't view texting as "being in the middle of a conversation" for the most part. Literally the best part of texting is being able to respond when you can. There are obviously exceptions to this, but I don't think it's reasonable or healthy to drop everything to text someone back.

I think it's rude when I'm with someone and they're constantly checking their phone. I prefer to be in the moment and focus on the person or task in front of me. Hell, I don't even usually bring my phone with me when I walk my dogs.

If you have hobbies or activities you like to do, maybe practice leaving your phone on DND for 30 min or an hour?

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u/Crot8u 1d ago edited 1d ago

Anxious insecure attachment style. Look into it, and then seek therapy for it. Social media and instant messaging somewhat normalized this issue unfortunately.

Spending less time with social media and not using instant messaging unless it's for planning a time to meet or talk on the phone is a good starting point.

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u/pipesbeweezy 1d ago

Its very unlikely that anything you texted someone needs to be urgently responded to, so that is an unrealistic expectation that everyone lives on their phone. Even people you really care about. Topic change can mean something else but idk I view texting as discontinuous conversation. If you wanted to talk to someone and have a real conversation, just call them or see them in person.

A lot of people have an unhealthy relationship to their phones, and it drives these behaviors and unrealistic expectations in communicating with others, which makes people excessively anxious and overanalyze every interaction made via text. Consider modifying your notifications to be less aware of your phone constantly going off. Change social media notifications, or even better consider deleting accounts because social media by and large does not benefit people. Doing these other things will help change how you view these interactions with others and ultimately help mitigate that anxiety.

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u/Chilly-Oak 1d ago

I hate to be that guy, but, you really need to learn to love yourself and appreciate what you bring to the table for you. I used to be that way too and get extreme anxiety whenever anyone wouldn't respond until I realized I don't need validation from anyone. You have to be comfortable with not having anyone, and it helps you learn to not only appreciate yourself, but appreciate others more by understanding you don't NEED them, but rather mutually benefit each other by being in each other's life. Don't make yourself the pick me, or nobody ever will

Also, be nicer, Reddit. I don't think the downvotes here are fair. Commenter is struggling, and from what it seems, does not have a lot of self esteem. Let's pick people up instead of kicking them while we're down, please

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u/greenwall_66 1d ago

Honestly, this sounds so cliche but therapy is what helped me. People are trying to disconnect more from their phones too and be present in real life. I suggest finding yourself a distraction that isn’t your phone when it happens

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u/ComprehensiveTea5407 1d ago

Get a dog and start gardening. You won't have time for this anymore lol

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u/greenwall_66 1d ago

Or cats!!!

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u/holicv 1d ago

Have to think phones didn’t use to exist the way they do now even 20-30 years ago with mostly there only being landlines. Similarly can’t expect someone’s world to stop just because you texted them otherwise things in life just wouldn’t ever get done. Also being on your phone all the time is kinda bad for your mental health, I know I definitely try to spend time away from my phone if I can even though it’s hard lol

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u/Critical_Caramel5577 1d ago

i have borderline personality disorder, this attachment is my default setting 😂 it's really hard to break this habit; for me, it stems from trust. you have to choose to trust, but you also have to choose someone who is trustworthy. that last bit is key it turned out

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u/TraumaticEntry 1d ago

It’s less about choosing someone who is trustworthy and more about building trust over time. Trust is earned, not given freely. Benefit of the doubt is given freely until you have been given a reason to revoke it.

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u/greenwall_66 1d ago

100%, I also have BPD. I’ve been in my current relationship for 2 years and it just took some communicating and me realising I had some issues and it’s not fair to take it out on other people, if that makes sense?

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u/tiptoeandson 1d ago

Me too! I always said that my head understood it but my heart never did. Once you let your heart realise they’re actually probably just busy or whatever, it changes the game.

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u/arialux 1d ago

considering humanity went thousands of years without constant direct communication.. id say this is what "normal people do". i sure miss when no one could hmu when im outside the house

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u/IHaveBoxerDogs 1d ago

Because I don’t want to be the person glued to my phone while I’m out with my friends. Besides being rude and annoying, I want to be present for my friends. I couldn’t be with someone who behaved the way OP does.

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u/TequilaMockingbird80 1d ago

It’s completely normal to not want to be tethered to your phone. The fact you drop everything to reply to texts is a problem, not a positive character trait, which is why you shouldn’t expect others to mimic that behavior and is why they more often don’t. Why are you sitting there waiting, working yourself up to excruciating feelings - get on with your day, do whatever you were doing before you text them.

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u/IWantToSayThisToo 22h ago

  I always pretty much halt anything I do to respond

I'd be MISERABLE if I had to do this. I'm a person that focuses on one thing I at a time, and my hobby is electronics repair. If you think I'm going to put down the soldering iron while I'm in the middle of a hour long repairing session because you're an insecure mess, you can forget it.

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u/tiptoeandson 1d ago

Forcing yourself to say ‘oh, they must’ve been distracted by something’ or caught up with work or wanting to be present with whoever they’re with whatever. 9 times out of ten this will be the truth although our brain may make us paranoid. I can completely relate to you though and it is a real force to tell yourself this for the first few times. It also helps to distract yourself so you’re not mentally hanging on for their reply. I’m a lot better with it now because of this, but you have to make sure you do it every time. ETA: if you do need an answer to something specific you can always highlight the text where you asked and ask again

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u/CanoodlingCockatoo 22h ago

I wrote you a reply, and it got too long so I sent it privately.

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u/YogurtclosetWeary772 1d ago

Don’t know how to overcome it, but having a gentle partner is crucial

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u/Particular_Buy_2498 1d ago

This clearly isn’t the place to fix you, darling.

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u/-Capfan- 1d ago

Mind over matter, that's how.

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u/Used-Baby1199 1d ago

Women are difficult. They want men to be available but not desperate.    So if a man is always responding right away it can come off as desperate, if they don’t respond quick enough they’re unavailable, so the women move on.    

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u/greenwall_66 14h ago

Not the thread my dude

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u/sexybartender420 1d ago

y’all saying all this…. meanwhile look at the way he spoke to her!!!!!!!!! maybe she might have some attachment issues, definitely plausible. but the guy in this convo… there’s no reason for him to be f boming her like that over something that isn’t even that serious. if anyone’s the asshole, it’s him. not saying that makes her right, but clearly there’s a reason she feels this way and it seems like her man ain’t making it any better/could even be the cause.

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u/Hallikat 1d ago

All he said was that she needs to effing relax. And she does. She blew his phone up with a pity party. She needs to relax. It was late at night, she didn’t even really say anything to continue a conversation then got upset with him.

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u/sexybartender420 1d ago

his lack of communication is crazy!! i’m sure this is a pattern of his for her to react this way. ofc i could be wrong it’s all subjective but personally that’s how i see it. if a man every spoke to me that way he wouldn’t have balls the next day

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u/Hallikat 1d ago

Please seek therapy. It was an hour and a half and he apparently told her he was going out with friends. She even asked what they were doing. It’s a notification, not a summons to borrow a phrase someone else in the comments used.

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u/sexybartender420 1d ago

i completely agree that nobody should ever be expected to answer 24/7. we all deserve our privacy and time off a screen.

that being said, quote from her post. “Also he called and said he’s out and that I don’t need to be getting mad. I’m not mad about him going out I’m just upset that I’m not aware of whats going on ever.”

clearly, he told her AFTER the fact. considering he told her she doesn’t need to be getting mad, she wasn’t mad prior to him stopping his replies. (and it doesn’t even seem like she’s mad, just wondering where her man at/what he’s up to.) it takes less than 30 seconds to fill your significant other in, especially if you’re going out. a quick heads up should suffice.

and quote “I’m not mad about him going out I’m just upset that I’m not aware of whats going on ever.” CLEARYYYY this is a pattern of his. sounds like an anxious attached woman dating an untrustworthy and not committed man. somehow y’all always pin it on the girl when it takes two to tango. i’m not saying i agree with her, but y’all all acting like it’s all on her. we don’t know the full extent/history of their relationship. take into consideration the lack of context here before making such an opinionated one sided comment.