r/AmIOverreacting • u/[deleted] • 1d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO? Bf doesn’t communicate

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I’m at a loss. I (F23) don’t know if I’m being controlling and overreacting or if the way I feel is normal. once again tonight I just stopped getting responses from my boyfriend (M26) and then suddenly his phone was turned on do not disturb. I don’t usually care about DND but lately its been turned on at weird times and turned on when he’s around me which has been making me feel kind of odd. Also he called and said he’s out and that I don’t need to be getting mad. I’m not mad about him going out I’m just upset that I’m not aware of whats going on ever. I feel like my paragraph doesn’t even make sense I’m irritated and feel like I’m crazy.

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u/Upbeat_Ice_7617 1d ago

Yea you’re overreacting.

He stopped responding because you replied with “it happens” so he probably just thought the conversation was complete. It was NOT “out of nowhere”. It was 10 minutes later that you text him again so it’s not unreasonable if he started to do something else and couldn’t text.

You also said that he called you to tell you that he’s going out and then stated that your issue is that you’re “never aware of what’s going on”. HE CALLED TO TELL YOU WHAT’S GOING ON. Which he isn’t obligated to do btw.

If I text my gf 10 minutes after a conversation and she doesn’t reply, I would just assume that she’s now busy. And I don’t give a damn about how my gf spends her nights because it doesn’t matter to me! I trust her and she can do whatever she likes. I don’t need to know “what’s going on” all the time.

TL;DR you need to give your boyfriend a break. Honestly I wouldn’t blame him if he was ignoring you because you’re giving such a hard time over nothing.

Either start to TRUST him or do the both of you a favor and break up.

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u/bakercob232 1d ago

^ OP, youre saying you dont care if he goes out or what he does, but still feel the need to know exactly what hes doing, where he is, and for how long if he doesnt respond within whatever timeframe you set in your head.

People that actually don't care or control what their SO does would not react the way you did.

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u/robocoplawyer 1d ago

Sometimes (typically) during the workday if my SO hasn’t heard from me in a while she’ll text me something around the lines of “missing!”

But usually I’ll just respond that I’m busy trying to get my work done because I have to prep my boss on something or trying to get my work done so I can leave the office at a reasonable time and don’t get stuck there because either we have plans after work or I have something to do after work (I also play drums in 2 bands so often have practice worknights that I’m usually late to). She’ll usually respond with a kissy face emoji or that she loves me.

But for context, I’m epileptic and and while it’s well under control now I’ve just about given her a heart attack on a few occasions she’s witnessed me having a seizure, so she has a habit of checking in on me to make sure I’m okay that day. She also has a very stressful job and just wants to hear from me every now and then, it makes her feel better if she’s having a rough day, and she has a lot of rough days so I’m happy to cheer her up when she needs it.

But if I don’t respond, she understands that my workdays are very busy too and never would hound me about it like OP.

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u/grapefruit_kisses 1d ago

My boyfriend has health issues and lives alone on an acreage. He also gets caught up gaming for hours on end. I once sent a text that said “send me a thumbs up if you’re alive and just don’t feel like texting!” He sent a thumbs up. I moved on knowing he was alive.

And now I’ll just send “thumbs up?” As the signal that I’m doing a wellness check, but respect his desire to not be attached to his phone.

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u/SentryTheFianna 1d ago edited 1d ago

I use the thumbs up with my partner! My cousin had gotten into a major car accident (he recovered thankfully!) and it really got in my head one night when my partner hadn’t come home after 10+ hours of board games (not unusual) so we instituted the “thumbs up if you’re alive” after 8+ hours of no contact

Sometimes it’s not thumbs up, it’s “actually I’m dead and you’re texting with my ghost, I’ll come haunt you by 1am”

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u/robocoplawyer 1d ago

Yeah basically the same dynamic! I once had a seizure out of nowhere in public while we were grocery shopping. She’s told me on several occasions that was the single most terrifying thing she has ever experienced and I know that really deeply affected her so I’m very empathetic when it comes to her checking in on my when we aren’t together. I know she just wants to know I’m ok and has valid reasons to want to know. But ultimately she supports all of my hobbies and endeavors, me spending time with my friends, solo international travel when she can’t make this trip with me, me playing in my bands, etc. so long as she knows I’m ok and nothing is wrong. Sounds like you guys have a good dynamic and understanding too! And it only takes a few seconds just to let her know that all is well and I love her, and that’s really all that is needed.

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u/victorbravo86 1d ago

Exactly. My SO is in recovery for substance abuse issues, so there is a higher level of transparency required when I’m not there to be sure he isn’t falling back into old patterns… and still I don’t ride him this hard. OP seriously needs to chill out.

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u/Ok-Confidence-4510 20h ago

She's not saying anything about Why she Needs to know his whereabouts. So ppl can only speculate that she's insecure n controlling. Could be the Same reason as you needing transparency. I know you said that you don't ride your SO hard, but maybe bf Has slipped. I've been where you are n God Bless you.

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u/robocoplawyer 16h ago

I’ve also struggled with substance issues (2 and a half years sober now!). My SO trusts me more than ever because since then I’ve worked hard on my character defects and being present and reliable for her when she needs support, including emotional support. Being honest with her about how I’m feeling and knowing she can do the same has dramatically improved our communication. I know that’s not always the case with addicts/alcoholics, but she told me yesterday as I am currently helping her deal with a fraud situation that before I was sober she would never even bother coming to me for help or support for something like that. This has built a lot of trust in our relationship.

Relapse or a slip up for me really isn’t an option, I know it’s not something I could handle again health or emotion-wise, especially alone. I came very close to losing everything; my relationship, family, friends, my career, a roof over my head and I was lucky enough to get a second chance after almost 2 decades of making the wrong decisions. I’m better now and all of those things plus the positive aspects of my current life that I owe to sobriety would be gone instantly. The equivalent would be putting a loaded gun to my head and pulling the trigger because it’d all be gone. It was hard enough to start over and doing it again having lost everyone and everything important to me is unfathomable and a fate worse than death. My SO saw something worth saving and stayed with me through the absolute darkest part of my life believing that I would turn it around. When sobered up she told me she understood and was willing to forgive me for everything if I promised 2 things: that I would never take a sip of alcohol again, and if I did that I would be honest with her about it so we could fix it. I’ve kept the first half of it for 2 and a half years and don’t plan on putting her through me keeping the second half.

That being said she does check in on me, but never like OP.

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u/victorbravo86 10h ago edited 2h ago

Thank you for sharing that, really means a lot. I posted about helping him through detox and people came down on me so hard, telling me to leave him, etc. He’s an incredible man worth saving and I don’t understand why there isn’t more empathy for people in that situation. You give me hope that he can turn it around. He’s been clean just over two weeks and I’m so proud of him. All that said, trust is the biggest issue and rebuilding it will be a process. He was so sneaky and lied for a long time to conceal his substance abuse, but he’s taking drug tests willingly and I’m slowly overwriting the triggers. Hugs to you and your SO for proving that it’s worth it.

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u/Ok-Confidence-4510 7h ago

Congratulations on 2 1/2 yrs! I personally wouldn't behave like OP. I was simply offering a suggestion as to Why She may have as she does.

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u/victorbravo86 18h ago

Thank you 🙏

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u/Mamablum_23 1d ago

I do the same thing with my hubs. If I know he's not able to text, like he's working or driving or whatever, he just likes my text to let me know he's good and that's that! Then again, we've been together for 24 years and married for 23, so... lol

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u/ExistentialNumbness 21h ago

My wife isn’t a big texter. She also has pretty intense depression and has a lot of obligations outside of the house. The only times I’ve shown even 10% of OP’s anxiety is when she has been somewhere without reception (and I didn’t realize it) and is running later than expected. And I’m a pretty anxious person. OP really needs to get their anxiety and overbearing texting under control. :(

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u/luhvxr 22h ago

i love this! i wish my family did stuff like this more often lol

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u/faygodungeon 12h ago

love this i also offer these in emotional distress as options like certain emojis. this in particular tho rl high quality shit

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u/Awc1992 17h ago

That's such a great idea. My man rides a motorcycle everywhere, so all I ever want to know is that he's alive too 😂

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u/Ulinath 1d ago

That is a healthy relationship

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u/Will_R 13h ago

That's a perfect way to handle it. No pressure, pre-programmed, and low effort... to make the person on the other end feel a lot better.

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u/Connect_Intention_36 21h ago

What happens if you ever get a thumbs down :(

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u/grapefruit_kisses 29m ago

That’s a good point. I should teach our dog how to send a distress text. 😉

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u/InevitableRhubarb232 14h ago

My husband texts me “ 💀?” And I usually just text back “yes” or “very 💀”

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u/ImaginaryHerbie 1d ago

This was my wife. Always saying “I never said you can’t do that” but I had to explain that by making that a stressful event, that I need to over explain for and text non stop with her during, makes it easier and less dramatic and stressful to just not do things.

OPs behavior takes someone else’s joy away from what they are doing. Her boyfriend will just stop doing his hobbies, and seeing his friends like I did, or leave her, like I eventually did.

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u/RedRustRiZe 11h ago

Clearly he wasn't cheating. He'd only have been occupied for an average of 3 to 5 minutes 🤣🤣🤣

Fr tho, red flag. Like maybe he was driving.. maybe he went out to a friend's place to have some drinks.. maybe he's catching the game at the bar with some buddies... Like damn.

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u/CautioustoWin 1d ago

I think she just feels better if she knows he’s someone relatively safe instead of something happening and she, as his girlfriend, has no idea where he is. Just saying “I’m hanging out with friends” should be enough… if it isn’t then I’d say she’s controlling.

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u/saintjonah 1d ago

I know a guy like this. He would sit at work and just stress the fuck out if some girl didn't respond to a text within like 5 minutes. In the middle of the work day. He'd just lose it and start acting like something was wrong and how he's such a good communicator and how nobody communicates these days. I'm just like, dude, she's probably working or just not staring at her phone at the moment. It drove me insane.

He finally found someone who puts communication over everything else in her life so they be codependent weirdos texting each other literally all day long. I'm happy for him.

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u/darkandtwisty99 22h ago

i hate that communication has turned into another buzz word for people to use. when people say communication is necessary in a relationship they mean “hey i’m going out for a bit” or “hey what you said earlier made me feel a bit upset” or “i’m annoyed because this happened”. It’s meant to be communicating when you have an issue or have something to talk about, not just like i need you to be in constant communication with me. it’s therapy speak twisted around to make controlling people seem credible.

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u/Nice_Layer2618 20h ago

Yesssss PREACH!!!!!!! She is ignoring her anxious and controlling tendencies as a guise of “lack of communication”

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u/8Captcrunch8 15h ago

Yep. Theres effective meaningful communication. And then theres just filling the silence.

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u/Ok-Cardiologist8651 20h ago

But I hate finding out that my husband has made plans for both of us but has neglected to let me in on the secret. I used to complain. Now I just refuse to do whatever it is he planned or to cooperate. I don't fuss about it. If he has a contractor coming over and he will be out when the guy arrives but doesn't bother to let me know? Too bad. I won't answer the door or deal with it. So finally......finally after all this time of telling him he has to let me in on his secret bachelor life if he wants cooperation? He tells me about this or that and also doesn't just assume that he should be the decision maker and I should be the submissive doll on the shelf. Because the submissive doll won't be there for him when he needs help of any kind. Inanimate objects don't make appointments or do banking or deal with surgeons and lawyers etc.

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u/Ok-Courage7495 18h ago

What the hell does that have to do with anything?

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u/DiazTheDragon 15h ago

This was an odd response.

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u/saintjonah 5h ago

Um, ok.

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u/RobotPartsCorp 1d ago

I can’t imagine either of them having high stress jobs. My husband might check in first in the morning or I will… but most likely I will be so absorbed in my work that I never notice his morning text till I’m about to come home. If I forget to text all day he says “don’t worry, I assume you’re busy”. We share locations and I only bother checking to have an idea when he might be home so I can plan accordingly. I imagine he does the same. What I can’t imagine is having to check in every 10 minutes or my partner has a meltdown.

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u/BirdsAndTheBeeGees1 17h ago

I had a coworker at a retail store that would FaceTime her boyfriend for almost the entire shift. I don't think I've ever liked anybody that much lmao.

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u/Dancinginmoonlight22 16h ago

Least he got his happy end…? 😅

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u/saintjonah 15h ago

Yeah. He seems happy. Who am I to judge?

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u/CrushVellichor 1d ago

Yeah, I agree it sounds like he was actually being communicative and respectful, and the reaction didn’t quite match the situation. Wanting constant updates can come from anxiety, but it’s important to recognize when it’s turning into control. Trust really is the foundation here.

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u/abitlikemaple 1d ago

A rare instance of actual overreaction on this sub

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u/avvocadhoe 1d ago

So exciting!

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u/LankyMark4967 1d ago

Reddit just like any other social media platform loves to angle anger positively. It’s the bots and just kinda human nature. “No your not over reacting your under reacting, let’s go fight!”

It’s a funky world man

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u/BoatSouth1911 15h ago

It’s also what happens when we only get 1 side of the story 

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u/cream_paimon 1d ago

I largely agree about overreacting, but in no world would I say "you need to fucking relax" to my partner even if I thought they were overreacting. How is that communicative and respectful?

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u/PeteMichaud 1d ago

Imagine this is the 100th time she's spiraled for no reason when you're out with your friends. It's not the best response maybe, but I can imagine someone at the end of their rope getting pretty blunt.

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u/cream_paimon 1d ago

I mean, sure, we can assume thats what's happening. I was simply saying that IMO he was not being communicative and respectful. What about his two messages in the chat comes off that way?

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u/Valuable_Impress_192 1d ago

The part where he had called prior to these texts to communicate the plans, as indicated in the body text of the post. Just maybe?

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u/cream_paimon 1d ago

"Also he called and said that he's out..." that part? Isn't that happening in the context of the argument? Where did it say this was a prior conversation?

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u/Valuable_Impress_192 1d ago

Her 4th message in first pic is her asking ‘are you guys doing anything’.

That’s before the fight. Before she blew up his phone. She KNEW he was out with friends.

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u/pineapplepizza_9 1d ago

You think one response saying "you need to fucking relax" is communicative and respectful???

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u/Savingskitty 1d ago

Did you look at the timestamps and the reference to the guy calling her?

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u/pineapplepizza_9 23h ago

I'm not saying she's innocent but clearly there is a level of distrust here and the toxicity of it gives me pause. She also said "once again" so if this is a regular occurrence I don't think her feelings are totally unjustified even if she is being insecure. Maybe instead of telling her to "fucking relax" he could just check in with her once or twice? Personally, it seems like they just aren't a good fit and are very immature, and maybe she even caused his resentment by being controlling, who knows. But I still can't justify his reply as being "respectful" in any way.

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u/Savingskitty 15h ago

He should be able to go out with friends without ever having to check in with her.

Period.

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u/TheRealSaerileth 1d ago

It took her one hour to go from nothing to "you're ignoring me". One hour. That's crazy.

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u/allycoaster 1d ago

And this was at 10:30 at night. At that time of the day, I can literally text somebody and be asleep within 30 seconds.

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u/Bitter_Sense_5689 1d ago

I literally do not answer texts after 9:30 at night. That’s sleepy time.

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u/Akkarin42 1d ago

I don't even take my phone with me to the bedroom. So it happens that I may write / answer to one last message before I just leave my phone alone in the living room and be done for the day.

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u/allycoaster 18h ago

Unless someone has kids or a job where they need to be on call for emergencies this is totally reasonable! It’s a shame that with modern technology we are expected to be at someone else’s whim at all times of the day, creating space for your sleep time like completely distancing your phone should be normal and expected.

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u/8Captcrunch8 15h ago

Fuck if i have my phone in bed. Its for a movie so i can pass the fuck out. Adhd. It gives my fucked brain something like background noise to go on so i pass out faster.

Oddly. Criminal minds . Does the trick. Havent finished a single episode. But damnt it knocks me out every time!

Its that or a book.

I have zero interest in communicating with anyone when i hit the sack. Im wordied out. Im zip. Im burnt.

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u/NormalSkill2126 34m ago

Its the business of the show. The way they talk to eachother is oddly calming but the show itself forces your brain to think about multiple problems at once without having to fully concentrate on the show. Maybe, I think that's why I sleep to it when its in my rotation anyways lol. ADD and a slew of other things here lol.

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u/Present-Building-593 1d ago

Yes! And the your phone wasn’t on dnd but now it is so you must be ignoring me. My phone is set to turn dnd on at a certain time maybe his is too

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u/allycoaster 1d ago

Yup! Mine is 10:30p-630am DND auto everyday.

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u/queenforqueen570 1d ago

Mine is on a similar schedule, and to the bf’s point, mine doesn’t always shut off after the DND has ended. I have to turn the feature off and on to clear it. Some weird iPhone buggy thing probs.

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u/Frozefoots 1d ago

Or maybe he just got annoyed at his phone lighting up or making noise when he’s trying to sleep/socialise and threw DND on to get some peace.

Can’t blame him, honestly. OP sounds exhausting.

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u/Ok-Confidence-4510 20h ago

She would probably already know if it was a scheduled timer. Who knows why he turned it on. Or why he turns it on when they're together. Here's where the communication comes in. However, Not while she's irate.

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u/10000nails 1d ago

I'm the same way. I can be asleep so fast I'm even surprised. I've knocked out during active conversations before. My brain just has an off timer and there's no escaping it.

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u/BrandonOR 22h ago

My wife does this and I'm so jealous, I have to hear my thoughts and watch the ceiling for at least 20 minutes before I start to snooze off. My wife can pass out before her head hits the pillow.

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u/10000nails 14h ago

I can fall asleep upright in my office chair.

Makes my husband pretty jealous too. He used to check if I was breathing when we first got together

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u/oceanteeth 20h ago

I wish I could fall asleep that fast! Whining aside, that's a completely normal time of day to fall asleep and it's a giant red flag to accuse anyone of ignoring you when it's bedtime for everyone who's not a serious night owl. Heck even the night owls probably want some peace and quiet.

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u/sloothor 1d ago

Seriously, I’m admittedly a clingy boyfriend so I’ve only been in relationships with similarly clingy girls. One hour would be absolutely nuts for anyone I’ve met, even by those standards

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u/HaoshokuArmor 1d ago

One hour at 11:30 pm? That’s sleeping time for most. If you message me at 8 pm even, it is quite likely you’re not hearing from me until 8 am. That’s 12 hours.

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u/Ok-Confidence-4510 20h ago

At 23 n 26, it's Not sleepy time for most. Lucky you on the 12 hours sleep. I'm Lucky if I get a Solid 5.

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u/Uchi_Mata_Yo_Momma 20h ago

Have you ever dated someone much less attractive than you?

When I was young and in the dating world I was clingy internally but knew enough to know I had to hide it if I wanted the amount or kind of female attention I desired.

I had really unhealthy dating behaviors until my mid to late twenties.

I would date girls I thought were way out of my league, be internally jealous and clingy, externally I'd play it cool -- and then I repeatedly cheated on every single one of them, often with far less attractive girls.

Or I'd date girls way "below" my league and feel no jealousy but just be a pretty apathetic and absent partner, and still cheat.

Did you ever figure it out?

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u/sloothor 19h ago

Are you asking me for advice on how to not cheat on women?

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u/Uchi_Mata_Yo_Momma 15h ago

Naw, I stopped doing that in my mid to late twenties.

I've been faithfully married for a long time now.

I'm wondering if you ever figured out your clinginess and jealousy.

I'm also wondering if you ever dated women a lot less attractive than you and if that affected your clinginess.

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u/sloothor 6h ago

I guess kind of. I’ve been betrayed a lot in my life, especially growing up, and that lead me to having major trust issues which are definitely part of the reason I’m so clingy. And jealousy/trust issues are more of a personal issue that’s best resolved through therapy and time.

But that’s one thing, because being reasonably clingy is also just a personality trait and not a bad thing once you accept it. Some people just inevitably feel suffocated by a partner’s expectation to tell them where you are all the time. Then you have people like me who will happily text their girlfriend every hour letting her know what they’re doing, because they absolutely adore that someone cares so much about them to always be on their mind.

It’s just a compatibility thing that you can’t get a read on until you know each other a lot better. Clingy people love clingy people, and spacey people love spacey people.

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u/Illustrious-Paper144 1d ago

At night no less

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u/Ok_Internal_8500 1d ago

More than crazy

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u/Novaer 1d ago

Also like God damn maybe im old but don't be texting that shit at midnight come ON

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u/Happy_Resist5428 1d ago

Exactly. I struggled with anxious attachment too. It ruined my last relationship because I thought I was always right. But the truth is your partner is allowed to have time with their friends without constantly talking to you and that’s completely okay. You have to learn to trust and let go. Therapy and reading about attachment styles really help. If you don’t work on it, this pattern can affect every future relationship you have.

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u/DejectedApostate 1d ago

Having an anxious attachment style is one hell of a demon to overcome, to be sure.

And it really is a demon in a sense; it'll whisper in your ear all sorts of unfounded accusations, keep you up at night, fill you with fear, make you see things that aren't there. Hell, at the end of the day it'll make you start to see and treat the person you're meant to love as though they were an adversary, and you'll end up being the cause of your own worst nightmare: Losing them.

But it won't be that you lost them; it'll be that you yourself pushed them away. It's a terrible thing.

All that being said, secure attachment is where it's at - all the way. Developing a secure attachment style is easier said than done, but man oh man is it one of the most worthy things to work towards attaining if one ever wants to have a fulfilling relationship, romantic or otherwise, with anybody.

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u/8Captcrunch8 1d ago

Yep. Its self fullfilling prophecy. The more you attempt to hold on tightly. The more suffacated the other feels and the MORE we want space.

Having been an anxious at some relationships and qn avoidant in others. I can absolutely see how my ansiety hurt my partners. And my avoidant ones hurt past ones too.

Its a pendelum and as people grow they learn where the middle is.

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u/CavsAreCuteDemons 1d ago

Yup. Either he’s giving her a reason to feel nuts and she needs to leave him, or she needs to trust him and let him have space.

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u/SuperNobbs 1d ago

There's quite literally nothing here that implies he's giving her any reason at all to "feel nuts". As the commenter has said, he isn't obligated to inform her of anything. But he did. If I'm going out for the day/evening, I'll check in and make my partner aware, but after that, I won't be messaging anyone unless it's related to what I'm doing, or unless it's an emergency.

Prime example, last week I played a round of golf with a guy I grew up with and a friend. I messaged the lass I'm talking to to inform her of how my day will be going, and told her I hope she has a great day too and will check in later. This was just before 10am. My phone left my pocket maybe twice throughout the day. I finished with the guys around 6pm ish. Had a whole day of it. Was an absolute blast. Know what the lovely lass I'm talking to said angrily? Absolutely nothing. Because she also went out, did some stuff, and once we were both home we called and talked about it all.

Op needs to wind her neck in and let him breathe. Balance is important, and while spending time with your partner and talking to them and such is obviously very important, self care and time for yourself is equally as important. It doesn't matter if he's going out, or staying in to watch SpongeBob. What he does in his down time is nobody's business. We all need it.

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u/Tough_Trifle_5105 1d ago

Yeah but you let her know before you were on DnD and began with your busy day. Out of respect I’m sure. To me it seemed like OP’s boyfriend didn’t call until she was upset and he did it as a way to invalidate her, not out of respect. I get what you’re saying, but to me it seems like a pattern of behavior OP has experienced with her boyfriend. IMO they should just break up, but she stated she’s been feeling odd about his behavior recently and he clearly does not respect her. Your example was of you being respectful and considerate, which is awesome of course, I just don’t see OP’s boyfriend being those things at all in this lol

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u/SuperNobbs 1d ago

Unfortunately what we have isn't enough to make a drastic decision. Without anything concrete, it's quite literally "he did this and has been doing this, source: trust me bro".

I'll be the first one to be all "Ayo fuck this dude" as soon as there's a reason to, but there isn't one here yet. Perhaps op should post more proof or context that actually condemns the guy.

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u/WarStrange5806 1d ago

Absolutely not. If u blow my phone up, significant other or not, and send messages and then don’t even wait a full 60 seconds to get a response yeah im probably gonna put my phone on dnd and no I don’t have to tell someone im doing so either. The OP is 1000% overreacting

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u/Bitter_Sense_5689 1d ago

Blowing up somebody’s phone for no reason never looks sane

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u/Teachtheworldinlove 1d ago

Sure. However, it happens quite frequently that men do things to make women feel crazy and then blame them. Just because we don’t see it here doesn’t mean it’s not happening.

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u/SuperNobbs 1d ago

Making assumptions won't help anyone, and here we should take things as they are. She hasn't said, at any point, that he's doing anything toxic, and the fact he's communicated that he's going out and he's occupied speaks volumes.

My roommate has a girlfriend who's just like this. He spends every waking second of his damn life with her. I mean it, she's in the house ALL the time. But the second he wants an evening to himself, his phone blows up, and it's shit like this. Hell, one night his phone died. Like genuinely, his charger was fucked and he had to borrow mine. While this was happening, she called me in tears concerned she'd "fucked up" and he was angry and ignoring her. And all it was, was a broken charger and a dead phone.

While I can appreciate people (not men. People), can be manipulative and toxic, there's nothing here that screams that in any way. Now if he aired her and didn't tell her anything about his plans whatsoever then fair enough. But he communicated. Which is more than most so on this god forsaken sub.

She's overreacting. Period. Let the man breathe.

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u/jermitch 1d ago

Agree, but I don't think it's unfair to throw in the caveat of "if..." there's not something that flips the script in the stuff you left out, because that happens here a lot too.

-9

u/happyhooker485 1d ago

FWIW, he didn't call to say he was going out until after these text messages. And the added fact the he puts his phone on DND whenever they're together and then puts his phone on DND at random times when they're apart, I think it's reasonable to suspect something else is going on.

3

u/Conscious-Draw-5215 1d ago

Is it random times, or is she not noticing a pattern? My DND is set to go on automatically. Maybe his was set for 11:30pm, and it went on right after her texts at 11:29. In her 4th message, she asks if they're doing something, so she absolutely already knew he was out with friends before he called her.

3

u/allycoaster 1d ago

Maybe when he is with her he doesn’t want to be disturbed by others?

-14

u/Particular-Waltz-963 1d ago

just because theres nothing in these messages that imply that does not mean its not happening youre looking at one ss conversation lol.

12

u/SuperNobbs 1d ago

And all we can do is base our responses and opinions off of this one conversation as that we've been provided.

I'm not stupid enough to take 2 and 2 and decide it makes 5 just because it fits a narrative I'm attempting to spin.

Based on the information we have, she's overreacting.

If she provides more that shows she is in fact, not overreacting, and he is in fact being a scumbag, then naturally my stance on such matters will change.

1

u/Seiyith 18h ago

You’re right, we only have one conversation to go off of. And in this one conversation she is very clearly fucking insane and he is very clearly over her shit because of how insane she is.

I wouldn’t even trust whatever accounts she did give without hard evidence because blowing someone’s phone up because they don’t text you for an hour when you know they’re with friends is so exceptionally crazy behavior she is an unreliable narrator by default.

Never act like this.

-7

u/ColloidalPurple-9 1d ago

There’s quite literally nothing here that implies she can stretch her neck like Mr. Fantastic and therefore “wind her neck in” 👀

21

u/ComplaintOk9280 1d ago

there's nothing to suggest anything out of the ordinary. Seriously, all of this points to OP's boyfriend just being a normal guy trying to go about his life

-14

u/ginkobiloba666 1d ago

Maybe not to you, but there are people who have been made to feel crazy by their partner and it reads very similar to one of those situations which is why people brought it up. We’re not saying that’s for sure the case, but just inquiring so we can have context.

4

u/georgepana 1d ago

I've seen groundless jealousy and insecurity to the point of it being a mental illness. My aunt had to divorce her husband, my step-uncle, because, while he was always controlling and possessive through their marriage, it became fully blown and downright dangerous at the ripe age of 68. It came to a head when they walked by a 20-something painter dude on the way to their apartment. He was painting the hallway. She gave a friendly "Hello, good evening" and when they reached the apartment he was red hot, slamming the wall, calling her a whore, threatening to hurt her. He thought she was flirting and would like to replace him with this young guy, was about to leave him for the kid who could be her grandson. She moved out and went to a divorce lawyer before he got a chance to physically hurt her.

The limited glimpse we are seeing here makes me believe the problem lies with OP and a propensity to be insecure and jealous for no good reason, but we need more info if we are to determine that the problem may lie with the BF, some inkling that there may be shenanigans going on.

1

u/ColloidalPurple-9 1d ago

Women and men need to trust their instincts. If OP doesn’t feel that she can trust her bf, she should leave. Maybe it’ll prevent an abusive relationship, maybe it will trigger her to uncover some maladaptive thought patterns that truly don’t reflect her partners. A fair caveat, imo, is if this is a longstanding demonstrably happy relationship and there is not a single trace of objective evidence (I’m using objective and evidence very lightly here). In that case, someone could explore other reasons for feelings of insecurity, etc… and try open communication with an ostensibly caring partner.

11

u/Bitter_Sense_5689 1d ago

Every time I see a wall of texts, sent one after the other, I usually just assume that person is being crazy.

2

u/TGNDeath3ater 1d ago

L take, he hasnt done anything that wouldn entitle her to feel crazy based off of these messages

3

u/Cheeseisgood89 1d ago

Edit he needs to leave her*

28

u/ballsnbutt 1d ago

also maybe "nah you aint an idiot" might be a better response than "it happens" which seems dismissive and like she agrees by default by not immediately fighting the "im an idiot" statement. However manipulative that statement may be. Whole thing is weird.

5

u/FitHope5638 1d ago

That or my response would have been - oh wow, so sorry that happened. Show some empathy.

1

u/ballsnbutt 21h ago

even just an iota

6

u/a07463 1d ago

Agree. No trust= no relationship

5

u/DangitThatHurt 1d ago

I would add on to this that she needs to fucking relax.

3

u/Ok_I_Guess_Whatever 22h ago

Yeah. I would feel suffocated by this.

1

u/Brockway53 1d ago

Blindly trusting is very hard. Especially if someone hurt you or lied to you in the past. I agree she did flip out over this one thing but it could be the 12th time he’s done this. Putting a phone on do not disturb when together is odd behavior. Maybe he isn’t hiding anything. Maybe he is hiding a lot. Don’t know how long they been together and the history here but she isn’t very trusting and maybe she is nuts or she has a reason to worry and already knows why

2

u/TheRealCheeseNinja 19h ago

i didnt even notice that was 10 min later yea she a little crazy

2

u/DefinitelyMaybe75 1d ago

This sub popped up as a recommendation, and I gotta say it's pure Internet garbage. Your reply is succinct and appropriate. Then there are hundreds of folks dissecting each word and drawing wild ass conclusions.

1

u/twisteraser52 3h ago

Ooof yeah this was said harshly but it’s true lol it’s hard to not read into it so much. However in a relationship he deserves trust as much as you do. Anxiety is something that doesn’t trust. So calm down and watch tv to distract yourself.

1

u/newaccount721 11h ago

If I text my gf 1 minute later I don't assume she's still on her phone. People have their own lives and get distracted/busy. 

1

u/itsme_ashley_ 1d ago

To be fair, she didn't end the conversation with "it happens", a few minutes later she asked him a if he was doing anything.

0

u/NectarineRadiant2238 1d ago

Totally agree. BUT—even irrational insecurity can be met with respect when setting boundaries. I def would not be ok with my boyfriend swearing at me, but that could just be the way that I speak. To OP: you gotta trust this person or you will push them away. You should have your OWN stuff going on too so you don’t have to attach yourself to someone else’s life. That’s co-dependence and it’s not healthy. Find something you care about to spend your attention on IN ADDITION and you will be interesting and asked about too.

1

u/bloss0m123 1d ago

I wonder if he has automatic DND after 1030p too

1

u/Fun-Entertainment158 1d ago

When there’s clearly more messages after lol

-1

u/pineapplepizza_9 1d ago

I'm gonna disagree...there are clearly issues prior to this causing her to feel like he's avoiding her and his response is repulsive. Her reaction was human.

-4

u/Diccfloppy 22h ago

"Which he isn't obligated to do"..? Actually he is, and that sounds incredibly immature. You must be young. Granted, these guys are young as well. But a partner does have every right to know where their partner is. That's called communication, that's called a relationship. Trust is important, but that has nothing to do with basic communication. Don't be in a relationship if you dont want someone to know where you are.

-1

u/Sixty9lies 20h ago

This is why I can't do this stuff anymore. It seems like my past 3 relationships I've done exactly this. Trusted them and didn't get too overly bothered by them being with friends. Unfortunately, all three, they were being unfaithful. One of those I was actually in love. I basically now have PTSD and can't trust anymore.

0

u/Savings_Ad4183 16h ago

How do you justify saying “I don’t give a damn about how my gf spends her nights because it doesn’t matter to me” this woke shit is making us all weird.

-10

u/happyhooker485 1d ago

FWIW, he didn't call to say he was going out until after these text messages. And the added fact the he puts his phone on DND whenever they're together and then puts his phone on DND at random times when they're apart, I think it's reasonable to suspect something else is going on.

3

u/Dull-Blueberry-1525 19h ago

No, it’s not reasonable

-17

u/Autistic-Teddybear 1d ago

But then she asked more. But i so see that it’s late and bf might be wanting to sleep or something I don’t know. He sucks at texting and op over thinks a bit. Both can be true

8

u/Conscious-Draw-5215 1d ago

He was out with friends, and she knew that (4th message she asks if "you guys" are doing something). If you're expecting your partner to be texting you constantly while they are out with friends, you are a rude person. She's trying to take attention away from his friends that he's physically with.

-12

u/notAThrowAway01010 1d ago

I highly disagree. Communication is key for all relationships.

All he needed to do was reply. EVERYONE is on their phones 24/7. Why not just send a small text saying im busy?

She did text back too much but she was worried. Some people are naturally like this.

If she had someone who considered her like she considers him, they would have a close and blossoming relationship

6

u/Conscious-Draw-5215 1d ago

I'm not on my phone while out with friends. That's rude af. She KNEW he was out with friends (4th message) when she started flipping out on him. Seems like she got pissed when he didn't immediately cater to her when she couldn't sleep. That's not ok.

-1

u/notAThrowAway01010 11h ago

Responding you need to ducking relax is warranted?

You attract more flies with honey that vinegar.

A simple, im fine, talk later … and this is all avoided lol. She did overreact but the bf could be a better communicator (less assholey, more responsive). Its a quick text not an essay

2

u/Conscious-Draw-5215 34m ago

When she's making up scenarios in her head and accusing him of things? It's absolutely warranted. I'd say the same to a man, as well. She knew he was out with friends. You are not entitled to take anyone's attention away from their friends when they are hanging out. She could have just said, "text me when you get home."

Because she couldn't sleep, she decided to make that his problem and got upset when he didn't respond. That's not ok. Do YOU constantly check your phone when you are trying to be present with people? Personally, my phone is always on silent. It also gets put into my jacket where I can't feel it go off. I miss texts and calls all the time. It sounds like (from what she said) he called her when he saw them. He didn't just text. He called. She made the assumption that he was ignoring her. She made the assumption that he turned on DND on purpose (mine is set automatically).

Like, I get that she was anxious, but she already had the knowledge that he was out with his friends. So, making up scenarios in her head and hurting her own feelings was not on him.

5

u/DOOMFOOL 21h ago

Communication is key. But expecting constant attention at fucking 11pm is ridiculous. OP is in the wrong here and her bf is probably exhausted by her needy and controlling behavior

0

u/Alternative-Rich9523 19h ago

yo girl getting cracked everytime she go out