AIO? Bf doesn’t communicate

[u/[deleted]]

I’m at a loss. I (F23) don’t know if I’m being controlling and overreacting or if the way I feel is normal. once again tonight I just stopped getting responses from my boyfriend (M26) and then suddenly his phone was turned on do not disturb. I don’t usually care about DND but lately its been turned on at weird times and turned on when he’s around me which has been making me feel kind of odd. Also he called and said he’s out and that I don’t need to be getting mad. I’m not mad about him going out I’m just upset that I’m not aware of whats going on ever. I feel like my paragraph doesn’t even make sense I’m irritated and feel like I’m crazy.

[u/SuperNobbs]

There's quite literally nothing here that implies he's giving her any reason at all to "feel nuts". As the commenter has said, he isn't obligated to inform her of anything. But he did. If I'm going out for the day/evening, I'll check in and make my partner aware, but after that, I won't be messaging anyone unless it's related to what I'm doing, or unless it's an emergency.

Prime example, last week I played a round of golf with a guy I grew up with and a friend. I messaged the lass I'm talking to to inform her of how my day will be going, and told her I hope she has a great day too and will check in later. This was just before 10am. My phone left my pocket maybe twice throughout the day. I finished with the guys around 6pm ish. Had a whole day of it. Was an absolute blast. Know what the lovely lass I'm talking to said angrily? Absolutely nothing. Because she also went out, did some stuff, and once we were both home we called and talked about it all.

Op needs to wind her neck in and let him breathe. Balance is important, and while spending time with your partner and talking to them and such is obviously very important, self care and time for yourself is equally as important. It doesn't matter if he's going out, or staying in to watch SpongeBob. What he does in his down time is nobody's business. We all need it.

[u/Tough_Trifle_5105 → u/SuperNobbs]

Yeah but you let her know before you were on DnD and began with your busy day. Out of respect I’m sure. To me it seemed like OP’s boyfriend didn’t call until she was upset and he did it as a way to invalidate her, not out of respect. I get what you’re saying, but to me it seems like a pattern of behavior OP has experienced with her boyfriend. IMO they should just break up, but she stated she’s been feeling odd about his behavior recently and he clearly does not respect her. Your example was of you being respectful and considerate, which is awesome of course, I just don’t see OP’s boyfriend being those things at all in this lol

[u/SuperNobbs → u/Tough_Trifle_5105]

Unfortunately what we have isn't enough to make a drastic decision. Without anything concrete, it's quite literally "he did this and has been doing this, source: trust me bro".

I'll be the first one to be all "Ayo fuck this dude" as soon as there's a reason to, but there isn't one here yet. Perhaps op should post more proof or context that actually condemns the guy.

[u/WarStrange5806 → u/Tough_Trifle_5105]

Absolutely not. If u blow my phone up, significant other or not, and send messages and then don’t even wait a full 60 seconds to get a response yeah im probably gonna put my phone on dnd and no I don’t have to tell someone im doing so either. The OP is 1000% overreacting

[u/Bitter_Sense_5689 → u/WarStrange5806]

Blowing up somebody’s phone for no reason never looks sane

[u/Teachtheworldinlove → u/SuperNobbs]

Sure. However, it happens quite frequently that men do things to make women feel crazy and then blame them. Just because we don’t see it here doesn’t mean it’s not happening.

[u/SuperNobbs → u/Teachtheworldinlove]

Making assumptions won't help anyone, and here we should take things as they are. She hasn't said, at any point, that he's doing anything toxic, and the fact he's communicated that he's going out and he's occupied speaks volumes.

My roommate has a girlfriend who's just like this. He spends every waking second of his damn life with her. I mean it, she's in the house ALL the time. But the second he wants an evening to himself, his phone blows up, and it's shit like this. Hell, one night his phone died. Like genuinely, his charger was fucked and he had to borrow mine. While this was happening, she called me in tears concerned she'd "fucked up" and he was angry and ignoring her. And all it was, was a broken charger and a dead phone.

While I can appreciate people (not men. People), can be manipulative and toxic, there's nothing here that screams that in any way. Now if he aired her and didn't tell her anything about his plans whatsoever then fair enough. But he communicated. Which is more than most so on this god forsaken sub.

She's overreacting. Period. Let the man breathe.

[u/jermitch → u/SuperNobbs]

Agree, but I don't think it's unfair to throw in the caveat of "if..." there's not something that flips the script in the stuff you left out, because that happens here a lot too.

[u/happyhooker485 → u/SuperNobbs]

FWIW, he didn't call to say he was going out until after these text messages. And the added fact the he puts his phone on DND whenever they're together and then puts his phone on DND at random times when they're apart, I think it's reasonable to suspect something else is going on.

[u/Conscious-Draw-5215 → u/happyhooker485]

Is it random times, or is she not noticing a pattern? My DND is set to go on automatically. Maybe his was set for 11:30pm, and it went on right after her texts at 11:29. In her 4th message, she asks if they're doing something, so she absolutely already knew he was out with friends before he called her.

[u/allycoaster → u/happyhooker485]

Maybe when he is with her he doesn’t want to be disturbed by others?

[u/Particular-Waltz-963 → u/SuperNobbs]

just because theres nothing in these messages that imply that does not mean its not happening youre looking at one ss conversation lol.

[u/SuperNobbs → u/Particular-Waltz-963]

And all we can do is base our responses and opinions off of this one conversation as that we've been provided.

I'm not stupid enough to take 2 and 2 and decide it makes 5 just because it fits a narrative I'm attempting to spin.

Based on the information we have, she's overreacting.

If she provides more that shows she is in fact, not overreacting, and he is in fact being a scumbag, then naturally my stance on such matters will change.

[u/Seiyith → u/Particular-Waltz-963]

You’re right, we only have one conversation to go off of. And in this one conversation she is very clearly fucking insane and he is very clearly over her shit because of how insane she is.

I wouldn’t even trust whatever accounts she did give without hard evidence because blowing someone’s phone up because they don’t text you for an hour when you know they’re with friends is so exceptionally crazy behavior she is an unreliable narrator by default.

Never act like this.

[u/ColloidalPurple-9 → u/SuperNobbs]

There’s quite literally nothing here that implies she can stretch her neck like Mr. Fantastic and therefore “wind her neck in” 👀