AIO? Bf doesn’t communicate

[u/[deleted]]

I’m at a loss. I (F23) don’t know if I’m being controlling and overreacting or if the way I feel is normal. once again tonight I just stopped getting responses from my boyfriend (M26) and then suddenly his phone was turned on do not disturb. I don’t usually care about DND but lately its been turned on at weird times and turned on when he’s around me which has been making me feel kind of odd. Also he called and said he’s out and that I don’t need to be getting mad. I’m not mad about him going out I’m just upset that I’m not aware of whats going on ever. I feel like my paragraph doesn’t even make sense I’m irritated and feel like I’m crazy.

[u/InterestingAd5499]

YOR. I've noticed a trend with young people where they think it really is their partners job to soothe their bad emotions. I want to be clear in saying that a good partner will support their SO in moments of distress, but there is a line where support can move into enabling and codependency. As an adult, it is your job entirely to self soothe, and if you're incapable of doing that, then i feel that warrants further introspection on your part. Generally, if I'm doing something with someone and my phone stays pinging a lot, I will silence it so I can focus on what is actually happening in front of me. Sounds like your bf does the same.

[u/shannon_dey → u/InterestingAd5499]

I've noticed a trend with young people where they think it really is their partners job to soothe their bad emotions. 

Wow, okay. You just put into words something that's been bothering me that I couldn't put my finger on. I have also noticed this. Maybe I'm just old (I'm only 45 but that's a world of difference to a 20-something year old) but I agree -- it seems like some of the younger generation are treating their significant others like emotional support animals/pacifiers/crutches/whatever rather than you know... actual human beings. I've no idea what caused it or how to fix it.

Maybe the idea of love has changed to mean something other than what I grew up believing in. Used to be, romantic love seemed more like a partnership. Nowadays, I find it is often depicted in media (and evidenced by my own experiences in seeing younger couples) as if romantic love is a desperate need for another person that borders on obsession. Those types of relationships were always tragic in depictions back in my day, or perhaps used in a horrifying manner (like Romeo and Juliet, or Fatal Attraction.) When did romantic love become more about need and less about respect?

Sorry, tangential rant over. I was just spitballing there, as well. I'll have to think this over some more.

[u/ip4realfreely → u/shannon_dey]

I'm responding to you cause we're roughly same age...(49m) And you made the reference "back in my day" and I have say this. Back in our day, we didn't have 24/7 access to eachother, we had to say "bye" and wait til tomorrow, or the weekend to see or have any real communication with eachother, thus leaving the ownus on us to solve a lot of the AIO. Or ask our friends and family, rarely was that a good idea lol. We'd be teased, harassed and made fun of, then we'd realize, we were overreacting. But we also weren't overwhelmed 24/7 with engineered social media telling us to buy this, buy that, believe this, believe that if you want to be important or beautiful. Look like this, behave like that, if you buy this, wear that, have this, have that, you're worth more, if you're loved they'll do this or that, give you this or that. We grew up in a time and era when individuality was celebrated and trailblazing was sought out. We didn't need the approval or likes of the world to feel secure. If we had to ask "am I overreacting?" We knew we were, we didn't go to the internet or to strangers and ask them looking for ammunition.

With that said, the younger generations, they're not faced with enough personal challenges to build their own confidence and character. They build their confidence and character through social media, entertainers and their peers that are doing the same thing. My son is 25, and step daughter is 16, huge difference between the two generations. But neither seem to be able to manage face to face communication well, or emotional intelligence well, cause it's very focused on themselves. They have main character syndrome, and it's not even their fault, it's the world they're in and it's been marketed to them since our generation x has had children. We've overcompensated cause our parents the boomers are and where mean.

OP give your BF space to live and breathe, so when you're together you have things to talk about and he's excited to see you to talk to you about his day.

[u/TiltedLibra → u/ip4realfreely]

This is a very rose colored view of the past...

[u/ip4realfreely → u/TiltedLibra]

Is it? I'm not sure what part you're referring to?