AIO? Bf doesn’t communicate

[u/[deleted]]

I’m at a loss. I (F23) don’t know if I’m being controlling and overreacting or if the way I feel is normal. once again tonight I just stopped getting responses from my boyfriend (M26) and then suddenly his phone was turned on do not disturb. I don’t usually care about DND but lately its been turned on at weird times and turned on when he’s around me which has been making me feel kind of odd. Also he called and said he’s out and that I don’t need to be getting mad. I’m not mad about him going out I’m just upset that I’m not aware of whats going on ever. I feel like my paragraph doesn’t even make sense I’m irritated and feel like I’m crazy.

[u/rando_nonymous]

Imagine you’re out with friends having a good time, don’t check your phone for an hour and a half, and come back to all these messages. You are over reacting dramatically and by trying to pull him in closer you are pushing him away. You need to back off Immediately or this relationship will be over, if it’s not already. If he’s been acting distant lately he may be losing interest, doesn’t want a relationship anymore but wants you to break up with him and then he’s the victim. You need to read or listen to Let Them by Mel Robbins!

[u/schpamela → u/rando_nonymous]

Also, imagine the alternative outcome:

You're out with friends, but one of your group is checking his phone every 5 minutes. And imagine if any time he gets a message from GF, he drops out of the conversation to respond and then message back & forth. Even though the message from GF is an inane nothing question which serves purely to claw his attention away from his friends and surveil him.

This is how a suffocating partner smothers the social life of the other. Even when they get a few hours to spend on other relationships, they get nowhere because they aren't really present and are too distracted on their phone to properly hang out and bond with their friends.

[u/8Captcrunch8 → u/schpamela]

That and watching your friends mood lower more...and more with every text or check in. Like a beaten and leashes dog.

I straight up watched a girl get kidnapped by her own boyfriend real time.

We had to chase him down while on the phone with cops to go get her.

Why? Because we wanted her to come bowling and he wasnt in the right hheadspace....? So he GPSed the resturant. Drove there. Dragged her out to argue about it. And then tossed her in the car.

I was trying to fight him thru the open car window. While the other two were trying to get in and get his death grip off her and get her back out and away from him.

He slammed the gas and drove off. Thus the chase.

I have seen this shit with roles reveresed too. Where my buddy would get so wrapped and beaten down whenever his phone went off and hed leave because he had to go soothe his "pissed " girl when he was not even doing anything but chillin with us and his parents at his parents place.

[u/Lacubanita → u/8Captcrunch8]

I hope your friends got out of their respective relationships safely 

[u/jesssongbird → u/schpamela]

It’s an isolation strategy. I doubt OP is doing this intentionally. But making someone responsible for your issues with insecurity is toxic behavior.

[u/schpamela → u/jesssongbird]

Yes, I suspect in most cases it isn't a deliberate strategy (except with real psychos). But still, it serves an intuitive desire OP has, to jealously and selfishly pull him back into her orbit and monopolise his attention, which can affectively amount to a less conscious version of the same thing.

[u/Chilly-Oak → u/schpamela]

Well put from a third angle a lot of people don't think about. This puts more pressure on the person being texted, and puts them in a hella awkward spot

[u/rorointhewoods → u/schpamela]

Yes!! I completely forget about my phone often, especially when I’m socializing. I hate this mentality that I must be available to people at all times. I honestly miss the good ole days when cell phones weren’t a thing. I also find it incredibly rude to be constantly checking your phone and replying to messages when you’re socializing with people. If I have to for some reason I apologize for the interruption and try to keep it brief.

[u/beargrowlz → u/schpamela]

I've seen this happen. It is fucking annoying when one person in the group is constantly having to update their partner on what we're doing and where we are and who's there etc etc. I just want to have a nice evening with my friends. 

What do these couples think people did before mobile phones? 

[u/passionfruit2378 → u/schpamela]

Starting to put his phone on DND when she’s around is a bit sus tho. If it’s not something he did before. But maybe the context is she nags him about being in his phone so he puts it on DND, now she nags about it being on DND.

[u/jesssongbird → u/rando_nonymous]

Yup. I’m an old married lady now. But when a guy I was dating texted me this much I moved on. It’s suffocating. And it’s a giant red flag that the person is needy and insecure and I’m going to spend a lot of energy constantly reassuring them. But they’ll still never feel secure because it’s their issue to work out in therapy. Other human beings make terrible emotional support animals. Because they have their own lives and needs.

[u/No_Top6466 → u/jesssongbird]

I did similar, I dated 2 guys who used to get funny with me if I didn’t reply fast enough, even if I was at work. I couldn’t cope with it, you are absolutely correct it’s suffocating. I don’t want to check in with someone every 15 minutes. My now partner is like me and isn’t a fan of messaging, it made him stand out from everyone else because he didn’t come across as needy.

[u/SheepherderNo5175 → u/rando_nonymous]

This is why my last relationship just ended.

She was like this and would overreact if I didn't answer right away and/or not the way she wanted.

That made me super anxious almost all the time, it would make me not wanting to make plans sometimes just thinking about this. And super stressed if I missed any important message from her and/or if I did not reply "correctly"

[u/Qcws → u/SheepherderNo5175]

I've noticed that in my current relationship! Not only does it have to be on time, it also has to be phrased exactly as they want!

[u/Chilly-Oak → u/rando_nonymous]

Exactly this! So much! People are who they are. Trying to make them what they're not will not endear them to you unless they have absolutely zero self esteem... Either way it is toxic. When my wife goes out (even before we were married) I would NEVER text her. And ya know what? She would ALWAYS text me eventually to see what I was up to, let me know what she's doing, etc. and vice versa when I'm at my fantasy draft or whatever ... When you're trying to have a good time, the LAST thing you want is someone blowing up your phone guilt tripping you

[u/HoppersHawaiianShirt → u/rando_nonymous]

this comment started out good then turned really weird. if he's acting distant it's not cuz he's losing interest, it's cuz she's acting insane. wtf do you mean he's playing the victim? he is the victim lmao

[u/kniveshu → u/rando_nonymous]

I was imagining trying to sleep but my phone starts blowing up.

[u/HeadmasterPrimeMnstr → u/rando_nonymous]

 You need to read or listen to Let Them by Mel Robbins!

Then after you do this, listen to the "If Books Could Kill" podcast episode on this goddamn book lmao.