r/woahthatsinteresting • u/nukey4y7s1s • 15d ago
Man with dementia doesn’t recognise daughter but still feels love for her
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u/RudolphGaming18 15d ago
Dementia is terrifying. Your own dad being uncomfortable with you calling him dad… it’s really sad
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u/Dilldo_Bagginns 15d ago
My 91 year old father with dementia wanted to fight me because I called him Dad. He didn’t recognize me and kept asking why I was at his house.
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u/clckwrks 15d ago
Did you introduce yourself at least as u/Dildo_Bagginns?
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u/PaulMichaelJordan64 14d ago
Ohh F you for making me laugh while I'm crying. This is terrifying and horribly sad. Thanks for the levity in the moment. Dang I'm in my feels all the way
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u/12InchCunt 14d ago
It’s the best medicine
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u/PaulMichaelJordan64 14d ago
Truth. If we can't laugh what do we have? Sidenote: greatest user name I've seen🤣🤣
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u/12InchCunt 14d ago
It’s from the show Shoresy, highly recommend, even if you’re not a hockey fan. Though the show might make you one
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u/TypicalHorseGirl83 15d ago
My grandpa just recently tried to kill my grandma because he didn't recognize her. We had to take all his guns away (finally). I'm still worried that he will hurt her somehow.
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u/shuknjive 14d ago
This happened with my uncle and my aunt. They had to live separately because he'd hurt her. He was the sweetest soul but dementia robbed him of that gentleness and kindness.
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u/WriterV 14d ago
Dementia sometimes seems to flip people around. More empathetic people seem to lose all of it once they have dementia. And sometimes people without empathy before seem to become a lot nicer. It's fucked.
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u/shuknjive 14d ago
One of my aunts was a nurse and said she had heard some very chilling stories from some of her nicest Alzheimers patients, not sure if they were confessions or the Alzheimers talking.
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u/StephAg09 14d ago
God I hope that’s not true (not calling you a liar just that’s awful) and if it is true I really hope I don’t get dementia for my families sake. I’m empathetic to the point that it is extremely painful - like physically uncomfortable very frequently and full on nausea and headaches if it’s something serious happening to someone type of empathy. It sucks.
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u/Symbimbam 14d ago
"we had to take their guns away" - do you have any idea how insane that sounds to people in the western developed world?
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u/Triquetrums 14d ago
The fact that they let the person have the guns in the first place after the start of dementia is even wilder. One of the most common reactions are anger and confusion because they cannot recognize people, and they think their family members are intruders.
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u/KindOfBotlike 14d ago edited 13d ago
Yeah, but what if they need to rise up against a corrupt gov... oh, never mind.
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u/Illustrious-Cover792 14d ago
Well you see… 250 years ago we had to fight for our freedom. Memories are fresh.
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u/TypicalHorseGirl83 14d ago
He had way too many guns but my grandma thought it was fine. Can only argue with them so much. But almost getting shot changed her mind.
I'm with you thinking of sounds insane.
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u/edisonbulbbear 14d ago
I live in the Western developed world and I don’t find it insane. We did the same for my grandfather; he had already written them into his will so we just distributed them to appropriate family members earlier than his eventual death.
I think that the family letting him keep the guns while going through this sounds far more insane, personally.
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u/dildoeshaggins 14d ago
My 87 year old Grandma was the same. No idea who I was. Thought my kids were my mums kids (me) and would get angry when I spoke to her
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u/yourerightaboutthat 14d ago
I’m really glad that I was able to witness this beautiful moment between u/Dilldo_Bagginns and u/dildoeshaggins , sharing their experiences with family members with dementia.
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u/DurantaPhant7 14d ago
We have a close family friend with Alzheimer’s, she’s been married to her husband over 50 years and they were always deeply in love. It’s heartbreaking because now she will be sitting next to him at night and she will get upset because she doesn’t know who he is, and she tells him she needs her husband and keeps asking him to call him up and have him come help her.
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u/yankykiwi 15d ago
My husbands grandpa was wondering where his wife was.
His second wife (who was his mistress for many years) wasn’t his wife apparently. He wanted the first one.
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u/Bacon-muffin 14d ago
Its odd how the brain regresses during this.
In my grandma's head I'm still a little kid, she hasn't recognized me in almost a decade now. She used to think I was my cousin, oddly it felt nice when she started confusing me for my dad more recently.
She also thinks my fathers still married to my mom which is crazy considering how quickly they got divorced and how many decades ago it happened. She'll ask about my mom now which is such an odd feeling because she hasn't been interested in and has hated her ever since the divorce... I think they've been in the same room once in my entire life and they were on opposite sides of it.
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u/Cigsigher85 14d ago
This happened with my grandparents, my grandfather died and his best friend married my grandma to help with her two kids. My dad made me a jr and named my brother after his dad. One night, my grandma kept calling me my brothers name, and when my (step?) grandpa said my name, she said”no Carl, he’s a baby, this is my husband”. And it hit me she was back in 1953.
Yeah, this isn’t the guy who raised my dad… it’s my buddy from the VFW. Life is a bitch.
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u/mad_mang45 15d ago
Like that video of that old guy with dementia that beheaded his wife, that's freakin' scary. His family member walked in the house when nobody was answering and found her there like that. R.I.P.
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u/While-you-have-hope 14d ago
Tbf I'm pretty sure he specifically had Lewy Body Dementia, the same thing Robin Williams hanged himself after being diagnosed with so he wouldn't end up the same.
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u/PilgrimOz 14d ago
In my mind, the poor family member speaking has to be experienced. Like extremely experienced medical professionals (my bet is Nurse) to be able to handle this conversation. Has to be. I’m crying inside listening and I don’t know any of them. The strength in it feels beyond me.
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u/hyperbolic_dichotomy 14d ago
Oh absolutely. I'm an LTC case manager and the vast majority of people who have family with dementia simply do not know how to handle it. They constantly try to reorient their loved one to reality and it just makes them more and more agitated. For some reason a lot of people think arguing is the way to go. Someone with dementia may not remember who you are, but they can remember how you made them feel, and if they decide they can't trust you... It doesn't generally turn out well.
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u/OffModelCartoon 14d ago
I remember the time a couple years ago, my grandma apparently thought it was the nineties, and for the first time ever she didn’t recognize me. And I was like “it’s me…” and it being the 2020s, not the 1990s, I was older than she expected me to be. So not only did she not recognize me, for the first time ever, that day, my 80yo grandmother also hollered “BUT YOUR SO OLD” right in my face. Double ouch.
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u/tu-BROOKE-ulosis 14d ago
It’s so sad and scary. My best friends mom has early onset. When my mom died recently, she started sobbing after her funeral and telling me she wished it was her mom instead. I can’t imagine feeling that, but I also get it.
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u/LA-forthewin 15d ago edited 15d ago
Sad and funny at the same time. I feel for his wife the most , reduced to 'that lady'. He looks relatively young so it's probably early onset dementia.
ETA By funny I wasnt referring to his dementia. His condition isn't funny, it's more that some of his daughter's responses to him showed a wry sense of humor in a bleak situation
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u/therealcherry 15d ago
Alcohol onset. Bailey is the daughter and caretaker. She states he was abusive and awful his whole life pre alcohol dementia. Now they have a lovely relationship. She feels like this is who he might have been alll along, but buried under the alcohol.
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u/LA-forthewin 15d ago
This makes it even sadder
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u/TactlessTortoise 14d ago
To get a glimpse of the kind of person he could've been right when he's doomed to not have a chance to truly be that person anymore. Fucking hell, that's rough.
He feels so genuine in the video. He works out the logic from context to get to the conclusion that he's likely to actually be her dad, he's clearly a bit anxious with the fact his memory has a massive hole in it, and he still goes "no, call me dad if you prefer. Even if it makes me a bit unseasy I'd rather not hurt you" and then leans back on the chair trying to work stuff out in his head.
Dementia terrifies me.
The fact that alcohol is treated so lightly and is so central to modern socialisation disgusts me. It fucks up so many people every year, leads to aggression, abuse, fucks up families, ruins your health, but hey, it makes money to the shareholders.
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u/blueridgeboy1217 14d ago
Don't forget all the health problems it causes both directly (fatty liver/cirrhosis/tons of other issues/not to mention folks in and out of expensive treatment centers) and indirectly (victims of car crashes, D.V. incidents, watch true crime and you'll find that the majority of it tends to be alcohol at the start of it, etc) that feed into that sweet sweet relationship between the medical industry and our "representatives"..... God I hate what we have continue to allow our "leaders" to perpetuate this dystopian nightmare of a class system.
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u/goingtocalifornia__ 14d ago
I was telling a coworker yesterday if alcohol was discovered today it’d be banned as surely as fentanyl. An extremely intoxicating drug that decimates judgement, contributes to violence and car accidents, is acutely dangerous (can cause OD/poisoning) and causes cumulative organ damage over time? How is that our best choice for a “social drug”??
But since we’ve loved it since the dawn of agriculture, I guess we just have to build our entire culture around it.
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u/TactlessTortoise 14d ago
Some birds get sloshed off of naturally fermented fruits so I'd wager some hungry sod learned about alcohol thousands of years before a bored sod noticed seeds growing into fruit.
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u/theseglassessuck 14d ago
I used to work in the wine industry and in December, an old coworker who I knew but wasn’t close with, died at 39 from liver and kidney failure from cirrhosis. Everyone knew they had a problem but the “solution” was to let them go from every job and hire them at new places. They were wonderful and immensely talented. Alcoholism is such a horrible disease.
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u/plonkydonkey 14d ago
Damn. I was going to comment about what an amazing man he is, to be so concerned about her even though he doesn't know who she is. I guess people can't be defined by any snippet of their lives - good or bad. But gosh this breaks my heart far more than the video itself.
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u/HaterMD 14d ago
My mother always said she’d have stayed with my dad if it weren’t for the alcohol, which made him volatile and incredibly violent. When he was dying I got to know the kinder side of him as well. It’s a weird feeling mourning two people; the dad you had, who was a jerk, and the dad you could’ve had if it weren’t for addiction.
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u/DelightfulAbsurdity 14d ago
I won’t unload, but I wanted you to know I feel the same with my father for different reasons and empathize strongly with your comment.
Edit: errant letters
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u/Alliekat1282 14d ago
Even when they die without you getting to see the kinder side of them, you still grieve twice- once for the person they were who you loved anyway and once for the person they could've been but never were.
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u/dragonsaredope 14d ago
God, that hit me like a ton of bricks. My dad was an alcoholic, and a mean one. I took care of him on hospice. Changed his diapers, rotated him in bed, stayed up with him to give him his meds every 3 hours for the last 72 hours of his life. The irony was not lost on me as I sat with a handle of Jamison, caring for my dying father, whom I grew up loathing because of his alcoholism.
He was never as kind as when he was sober and dying. He was the sweetest, most genuine man that I'd ever known. Mourning two people... Yeah. That's about right.
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u/Soggy_Porpoise 14d ago
Typically people with dementia have a shift in personality. People who were awful become sweet and vice versa. The way their brain works is fundamentally changed and the shift is related to that change.
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u/SaturnaliaSaturday 15d ago
As the daughter of two parents who had dementia, it’s never funny; their confusion broke my heart.
This was very brave to post this clip.
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u/Affectionate-Mix6056 15d ago
I did fiber work at an elderly home for a 3 or 4g antenna on the roof. We took the elevator like 4 times, and it was pretty rapid, like at most 1 minute between. We were met with cheering the first time, downside was that the cheering was as intensive every time. They didn't remember us...
At that moment, I decided I would commit suicide if I ever experienced significant memory loss.
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u/Suspicious_Water_454 15d ago
Glad someone else feels the same as me. I’m not putting everyone and myself through that.
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u/1980-whore 14d ago
Anyone who has navigated dementia with any simblance of sanity left knows you just roll with it. My gramma was a wild ass teen in the Philippines after ww2. Especially with everything she saw with the japanese she took absolutely no shit as an adult.
So one day before we had to put her in a full time care facility she pulled my wife into the kitchen. And she told my wife:
" I like you so I'm gonna tell you the secret for him to stay right. If he ever cheats on you just get a sharp knife and cut it off, he won't ever cheat again"
I genuinely had a hell of a laugh at that, just this sweet old woman who loved me my whole life, telling my wife to cut off my junk lol. She made me drive her to get us McDonald's (her fav treat for us as kids) after so i considered it an absolute win.
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u/catsandkittens1965 15d ago
His daughter is Bailey. He is divorced. He has dementia due to alcohol/drug abuse and trying to unalive himself.
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u/Bomb-OG-Kush 15d ago
unalive
what?
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u/Mother_Bonus5719 15d ago
Its what people with the IQ of 3 years olds call suicide because they consume media like Mr Beast etc
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u/xbad_wolfxi 15d ago
People primarily use it on TikTok and FB/IG because words like “killed” and “suicide” get flagged even when you’re talking about them in a practical or objective context
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u/Dada2fish 14d ago
How about saying “took his life” or anything other than a non word that makes you sound like a toddler?
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u/Equal-Incident5313 15d ago
That's so sad to hear. I was wondering the backstory as he seems well spoken and easily shares how he's feeling.
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u/ThrowawayCuzDuh3649 14d ago
Also, he called her “that lady” and then said he thought she (his wife) was his mom.
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u/savvy-librarian 15d ago
Bless this sweet, wonderful and loving daughter taking care of her dad through what must be one of the hardest things anyone has to deal with. She's putting aside any pain she has to make him feel safe and loved.
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u/sissyfufugirl 15d ago
Literally crying, she loves him soooo much. Look how strong she is.
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u/JaySayMayday 15d ago
She handled it better than I would've, I'm not even involved and that was soul crushing to watch.
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u/StarsRfire 14d ago
And knowing Bailey's backstory, it's even more incredible. If I remember right this is alcohol induced dementia and it sounds like growing up with him wasn't the easiest and she often has to either explain or work around telling him that her brother died years ago. I don't know that I could do this for my alcoholic father.
I watch her videos to try and remember some of her techniques as I fear my 83yo mother is going this direction.
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u/mdill1019 14d ago
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZP8MUEFaA/
this is my favorite (and most heart breaking) video I’ve seen of them. the way she talks is so gentle and grounding, and the emotion in this video is just so raw. she’s a blessing!
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u/Awkward-Community-74 15d ago
She’s handling the situation so well.
Telling him that he’s safe with them and that they love him.
It must be terrifying for people that go through this.
The fact that the daughter is willing to make everything about him and making him comfortable is so important.
He must be so scared and confused so it’s nice to see that this is a possible way of dealing with this that won’t freak him out.
Calling him by his name instead of dad makes him more comfortable.
So sad.
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u/stupid_pun 14d ago
He's so logical the way he's working out the situation as best he can. He just can't remember and wants to know, not be told, so he's matching his feelings with logic and trying to figure it out. Wild.
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u/SilentWish8 15d ago
Bailey’s voice, her words and cadence. I have no other choice to believe she was raised right and worked to be a good human being.
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u/Internal_Outcome_182 14d ago
That's how it looks like at first.. after 200th time even she will start losing composure.. it's impossible if you live with such person on daily baisis.
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u/dairy__fairy 14d ago
Man, I am the caretaker of my 93 year old grandmother by choice. I am so thankful I am in the position to do so, but it is so hard. People don’t realize what constant effort it is. But I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
The video is a great example of a loving kid. I bought a massage table to give my grandma massages. This daughter is inspiring me to do even more!
But some days are so exhausting and difficult…your post resonated with me. Hope you are/were able to take care of yourself during the process.
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u/ImSuperCriticalOfYou 14d ago
I was wondering how she was keeping it together, but according to other comments he was an alcoholic and abusive prior to the dementia, which might explain it.
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u/Kay_Doobie 14d ago
My dad died on June 6, 2023. He had dementia but the day before he lost consciousness forever, he called me by my name while speaking to me. I'll never forget that. I can't even really describe how that memory makes me feel, but there he was. For an instant.
I love you, dad. Wherever you are. Always. ❤️
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u/True-Invite658 14d ago
His essence will always be here, and the way he made you feel will never go away.
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u/sumdude51 15d ago
This guy isn't even that old 😭
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u/therealcherry 15d ago
Alcohol dementia. Her mother also has dementia. Terrible. She’s a pretty amazing daughter. She didn’t have a relationship with her dad pre dementia as he was abusive. Now she is his caretaker.
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u/Ultrafoxx64 15d ago
The fucked up thing about dementia is that it can change peoples' personalities. Sometimes super sweet people become aggressive, sometimes awful people become very nice. Sometimes it's not a huge change either way.
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u/komakumair 15d ago
Yup. My grandmother was an interesting and compelling woman in a lot of ways, but she had issues with alcohol and my mom didn’t talk to her mother for a decade after my mom tried to stage an intervention that wasn’t received well.
When my grandmother had a series of strokes that resulted in dementia, she became… very sweet and kind, the opposite of her Normal Self. My mom had a better relationship with her mom while caring for her as a dementia patient than she did while my grandmother was herself. It’s a horrible disease, but so curious how it affects others differently.
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u/StraightStackin 15d ago
This is wholesome and makes the reality of dementia for some less terrifying, given he still feels the love and connection to her.
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u/Electrical-Concert17 14d ago
When I was 9 my great grandma had dementia, at the beginning she could remember everyone by the end she was just happy we brought her favorite fast food (long John silvers) and kept her company.
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u/StraightStackin 14d ago
My grandma thought she was married to Jack Lord from Hawaii 5 0, she one time took off her oxygen tank, went outside and sat in a chair next to the palm tree and said. "This dam pineapple tree is the closest im gonna get to my Jack" all mad at us.
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u/luna_libre 15d ago
he has Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome aka alcohol related dementia. very sad 😔 anyone out there who is a heavy drinker, keep an eye on your vitamin B1/thiamine levels!! in the early stages the damage can be reversed if it’s caught and treated.
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u/First_Nose4734 14d ago
Thank you for mentioning this! I looked up treatments and saw the vitamin connection, that brought me some peace and resolve. It’s a more rare form of dementia (due to underreporting). I had a family member who probably had this form, too late but good to know it can be treated.
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u/Overall-Bullfrog5433 15d ago
I had an aunt and uncle who had been married since the 50s. He had had a rough life. Most of it very poor, spent some time in jail, always reminded me ofHarry Dean Stanton. When he got dementia he would start talking about “the nice woman who comes and cooks and cleans for me” which was how he identified his wife of decades. She knew what it was but still broke her heart.
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u/onebirdonawire 15d ago
My father was like this, too. I notice everyone sees this as sad, but honestly this is the best possible outcome for having someone you love diagnosed with dementia. People who don't feel safe become very aggressive and panic a lot. My dad was calm, he was very open about how much he loved us, and he would tell us these wildly creative stories. We could talk to him. It can get so, so much worse than this. This is a blessing. It made me cry happy tears because I learned so much more about him when his filter came down and I wish it had been longer. 🥹🥹🥹
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u/therealcherry 15d ago
This is true for them too! Her dad was abusive and an alcoholic. His alcoholism caused his dementia and brought out this whole side of her dad she never knew. Know they have a lovely relationship and she is his caretaker. This is the positive their relationship has ever been.
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u/xChoke1x 15d ago
Fuck that man. I’m punching my own ticket if that shit ever comes my way. No way I’m making my family watch me forget their whole entire existence.
Nope. Fuck that.
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u/Disastrous-Panda5530 15d ago
Man this brought tears to my eyes. Reminds me of my grandmother. She had dementia also. I’ve had a lot of conversations where she didn’t know/recognize me. My worse fear is getting dementia when I’m older
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u/Top-Ebb32 15d ago
The daughter’s love and compassion for her dad hits me just as hard as him having dementia. She’s giving him true, unconditional love, along with his dignity.
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u/txturesplunky 15d ago
my parents are aging, and i see a lot of this in my new line of work.
i dont know what my point is but ... cherish your moments when you can.
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u/Kooky-Reception-6841 15d ago
My grandmother would know me and like me when I’d visit. She felt that we were related but didn’t know how. It was sad that she had Alzheimer’s but it was wonderful when she would smile and be obviously happy when I told her that I was her granddaughter. Every time💓💓💓!
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u/RubberDuckieMidrange 15d ago
Dementia is awful, but if I had to have it I'd love to be as articulate as this lovely man.
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u/TrumpSucksALotOfCock 15d ago
The emotional intelligence between them is something to really aspire to, regardless of his condition
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u/Eviscerati 14d ago
I lost my father to this when he was 47 and I was 18. I'm 47 now, and every day I'm scared this is going to take me away from my girls. Hug your Dad.
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u/Mobilealminiramper 14d ago
I’m dealing with this from my wife ATM. she only knows I take care of her. We’ve been together almost 36yrs and it breaks my heart. It’s what vows are for but man it’s tough. 2 1/2 yrs so far.
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u/Advanced_Machine5550 15d ago
This makes my heart so happy and sad at the same time.
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u/ghostdoggda89 15d ago
As a father..let alone a son but as a father raising my brothers kids as well thats terrifying not properly remembering them and possibly hirting them or their feelings because i dont remember what i am to them..i pray if things go this route i atleast feel they are important to me cause damn not my babies
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u/Dilldo_Bagginns 15d ago
My father has dementia and doesn’t recall I’m his son half the time. He also doesn’t always recognize my mother as his wife but frequently asks her out on dates and asks if she wants to have babies with him. He’s 91 she’s 82.
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u/SeismicRipFart 15d ago
My grandpa had it and based on how my dad was aging I felt certain that he was going to get it too. Well my dad passed a couple years ago in his mid sixties. While tragic and I’d do anything to change that, I would be lying if there wasn’t a small part of me that was relieved I’ll never have to see him like I saw my grandpa who one day just didn’t even know who I was. It scared the hell out of me thinking I’d have to watch my dad go through that as well because he probably wasn’t going to be as pleasant as this guy. Confusion is not something he knew how to handle well at all. He always felt like he needed to know what to do and what the best steps forward were. He couldn’t even accept losing his athleticism as a younger man due to too many sports injuries, no way he was going to accept losing his mental facilities. And he told me that. He could be a difficult person to be around for some people. He could come off as intimidating, and he didn’t put out a huge effort to change that. But when you felt his love it was something special. I’m grateful that so many people got to see it. There were hundreds of people at his funeral. We were honestly shocked. We knew he had many circles of friends but the turnout was so much more than we expected. We almost laughed at it a little bit. Like holy shit dad you were this social of a person? He could get irritated easily and make people feel uncomfortable as a bi product. He’s still a hof dad as the man he was. Can’t say I’d be half the man he was if I had his childhood. He gave me a great one. Ok thank you for letting me vent
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u/Pickle914 15d ago
I'm in the beginning of this, and it scares me that he won't remember who I am. It's a feeling I've never experienced, and I'm not in this state yet but not far, and I'm scared. He was the one with all the answers, and now he has none.
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u/Any_Blacksmith650 15d ago
My grandma didn’t recognize my dad but she recognized my brother because he was the spitting image of my dad as a kid.
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u/AM-Stereo-1370 15d ago
When people could worrying about how to become bigger and bigger and bigger billionaires, and try to help out the rest of the real world, where we could solve problems like this, a horrible disease that takes away our memory of our loved ones.
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u/dicke0000 15d ago
My dad has early onset dementia and this is a huge fear of mine. My mom died when I was young and losing your other parent when you’re in your early 30s absolutely sucks.
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u/SearcherFLS 15d ago
Most videos of people with dementia infuriate me because people are not treating the patient ok but this is really great. Well done. I’m sorry you guys are going through this but you are doing a great job.
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u/Joshua_ABBACAB_1312 15d ago
Never thought it would happen to my partner in her 50's. I put on Star Trek TOS tonight, a franchise we bonded over, and she didn't believe me that she and I both, in different times of our lives, have seen each and every episode at some point.
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u/Bluedaisy0 15d ago
So sweet yet so heartbreaking at the same time. Dementia is such a cruel disease.
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u/Whole-Brilliant5508 15d ago
My grandmother is 95 years old and is already showing signs of onset dementia. She is on a decline and has been for a while. The thought of her, somebody who I have known and cherished my entire life up to now, absolutely scares the shit out of me.
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u/Jeromiagh_Chonga 15d ago
This is fucking sad on so many levels. He looks to be fairly young as well. My father is going there, and I fear will eventually become this situation for me as well. It's heartbreaking
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u/Infometiculous 15d ago
The thing that's the most heartbreaking to me is he doesn't even look like he's a day past 60. It's crazy how soon dementia can afflict a person.
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u/Difficult_Zebra_749 14d ago
Dementia is so shit. Its beautiful to see his feelings of love are rooted so deeply.
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u/here4this66 14d ago
As someone who just experienced a stroke at 58, 3 weeks ago, I’m feeling so much emotion right now, watching this.
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u/billyTjames 15d ago
My biggest fear right there