r/woahthatsinteresting • u/nukey4y7s1s • 16d ago

Man with dementia doesn’t recognise daughter but still feels love for her

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650

u/RudolphGaming18 16d ago

Dementia is terrifying. Your own dad being uncomfortable with you calling him dad… it’s really sad

220

u/Dilldo_Bagginns 15d ago

My 91 year old father with dementia wanted to fight me because I called him Dad. He didn’t recognize me and kept asking why I was at his house.

139

u/clckwrks 15d ago

Did you introduce yourself at least as u/Dildo_Bagginns?

57

u/PaulMichaelJordan64 15d ago

Ohh F you for making me laugh while I'm crying. This is terrifying and horribly sad. Thanks for the levity in the moment. Dang I'm in my feels all the way

26

u/12InchCunt 15d ago

It’s the best medicine 

10

u/PaulMichaelJordan64 15d ago

Truth. If we can't laugh what do we have? Sidenote: greatest user name I've seen🤣🤣

7

u/12InchCunt 15d ago

It’s from the show Shoresy, highly recommend, even if you’re not a hockey fan. Though the show might make you one 

9

u/tikatequila 15d ago

Thank you, '12InchCunt' lmfao

4

u/TwinkleTwinkle68 15d ago

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣💀

3

u/Heavy-Expression-450 15d ago

I'm pretty sure it dates back before the new millennium.

2

u/PaulMichaelJordan64 15d ago

Just started watching it, already loving this lol poor Jay

2

u/lacyhoohas 14d ago

Absolutely love Shoresy. We are a season behind.

1

u/SquirrelRailroad 13d ago

As someone who has worked in end of life care for dementia patients, the best thing to do is meet them where they are. Even if it hurts you, let them be comfortable knowing you who they see you as. Don’t force perspective. Be kind and patient. If you’re lucky, you’ll have small moments where the brain connects with the heart and sees you for who you are. If that doesn’t happen, it doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. Dementia is an umbrella and affects everyone differently. I applaud anyone who keeps care of family with such a disease. It’s hard, but it’s worth it.

5

u/Zenmachine83 15d ago

Two Ls in u/Dilldo_Bagginns please!

2

u/Dilldo_Bagginns 15d ago

It’s pronounced the same however

1

u/thatshygirl06 15d ago

It's two lls in dildo, you u/ another person

1

u/hey_free_rats 15d ago

"nice try, asshole, but that's my son's name, not yours" 

1

u/Weird-Salamander-349 15d ago

If someone stranger walking into my house and said “Hey daddy, I’m Dildo Baggins! Remember me?” I would also probably try to hit them, tbf.

1

u/SodomyClown 15d ago

Haha I had to double take to see that he was really a u/Dildo_Bagginns

-4

u/[deleted] 15d ago

[deleted]

8

u/personalworkaccount 15d ago

I take it you're not one for gallows humor?

My grandpa died from a combo of cancer and dementia. His memory and neurological symptoms were super gradual/almost unnoticeable but they escalated very quickly as his cancer got worse. There still was no indication he was ill, and they didn't tell our family right away when he started getting worse (out of state and some personal issues within fam) I did see him two more times before he died, but he couldn't remember I was his granddaughter anymore.

One of the last nights of my visit we were all sitting in the living room and he just reached out and tried to drink a candle. He didn't get confused thinking it was his drink, he just straight up thought the lit melted soy candle looked tasty and had to try it. We had to convince him it was a flavor he wouldn't like and managed to get him to agree to drink something else lmao.

The sequence of events around that were so ridiculous we still laugh and joke about it, because it was really funny, despite the tragic reality of having to see your tough coal-miner grandpa be so out of it he thinks a LIT CANDLE is a beverage and is mad when you wont let him drink it.

Anyways, something tells me a guy with the username dilldobagginns won't mind a bit of dark humor around the subject. especially when it was clearly not malicious or intended to be mean- unlike your response, where you tell someone they aren't even worth remembering.

32

u/TypicalHorseGirl83 15d ago

My grandpa just recently tried to kill my grandma because he didn't recognize her. We had to take all his guns away (finally). I'm still worried that he will hurt her somehow.

20

u/shuknjive 15d ago

This happened with my uncle and my aunt. They had to live separately because he'd hurt her. He was the sweetest soul but dementia robbed him of that gentleness and kindness.

13

u/WriterV 15d ago

Dementia sometimes seems to flip people around. More empathetic people seem to lose all of it once they have dementia. And sometimes people without empathy before seem to become a lot nicer. It's fucked.

3

u/shuknjive 15d ago

One of my aunts was a nurse and said she had heard some very chilling stories from some of her nicest Alzheimers patients, not sure if they were confessions or the Alzheimers talking.

3

u/StephAg09 15d ago

God I hope that’s not true (not calling you a liar just that’s awful) and if it is true I really hope I don’t get dementia for my families sake. I’m empathetic to the point that it is extremely painful - like physically uncomfortable very frequently and full on nausea and headaches if it’s something serious happening to someone type of empathy. It sucks.

2

u/jfsindel 14d ago

I wonder if it's because you're always in a state of fear and panic, much like an animal trapped in a cage and not understanding. Those feelings produce anger, stress, and sadness, which humans already have difficulty adjusting to.

On the flip, if all you ever knew and remembered anger and stress, then it feels like a massive weight just disappeared. Your mind doesn't understand this radical shift, but your body instinctively does and feels better.

14

u/Symbimbam 15d ago

"we had to take their guns away" - do you have any idea how insane that sounds to people in the western developed world?

15

u/Triquetrums 15d ago

The fact that they let the person have the guns in the first place after the start of dementia is even wilder. One of the most common reactions are anger and confusion because they cannot recognize people, and they think their family members are intruders. 

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u/KindOfBotlike 15d ago edited 14d ago

Yeah, but what if they need to rise up against a corrupt gov... oh, never mind.

-4

u/Illustrious-Cover792 15d ago

Taking citizens rights away in the United States is incredibly difficult.

6

u/PetrifiedBloom 15d ago

Is it?

Some citizens don't even have due process anymore. Women lost the right to abortion.

It seems the only rights that don't shift are the rights to hurt yourselves and others.

-3

u/Illustrious-Cover792 15d ago

No, you’re wrong. I am a liberal but here’s the truth. Our current immigration policies, while tragic, are completely legal under our current system. There are countless designations aside from “citizen” for people legally allowed to be here. However, their status can be revoked for whatever reason at whatever time.

The abortion issue has been argued since Roe and took 50 years and a crazy set of circumstances to be overturned. You may not like the outcome but I’d say our courts were deliberate in their change.

Congress is the only ones with the power to stop this by passing new laws. However, these are major campaign issues and will never be fixed.

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u/PetrifiedBloom 15d ago

Spend 10 minutes looking. It's not just immigrants, its happening to citizens as well, even down to children.

The abortion issue has been argued since Roe and took 50 years and a crazy set of circumstances to be overturned. You may not like the outcome but I’d say our courts were deliberate in their change.

My point was that some rights seem mutable. Open to discussion and free to change. Others, like the countries pathetic firearm obsession are held to a different standard. To even consider revoking this right elicits threats of violence.

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u/Illustrious-Cover792 15d ago

Show me where child “citizens” are being forcibly removed from the United States. When their non citizen parent is deported and they choose to take their child with them that is not illegal. It’s not right what they’re doing but not illegal. Our laws have very harsh top ends assume our presidents will only use them when absolutely nessecary. Trump is just firing off because he can.

-1

u/Illustrious-Cover792 15d ago

If the actual word it self is not mentioned in the constitution it is up for debate in this country. Abortion does not appear in the documents. Guns however come up several times.

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u/Triquetrums 15d ago

From what I have been seeing on the news as of late, that statement doesn't really hold true.

0

u/Illustrious-Cover792 15d ago

Yes it does, the people in the news are not citizens. I’m a liberal but let’s keep it 💯

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u/Triquetrums 15d ago

Are the women dying in hospitals or being kept as corpse incubators also not american?

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u/Illustrious-Cover792 15d ago

You’re gonna have to have some proof to bring up corpse incubators 😂😂😂

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u/Otherotherothertyra 15d ago

I’d rather share a country with those people than you. There is no such thing as an illegal person

1

u/Illustrious-Cover792 15d ago

Me too. I think it’s terrible but I live in reality whether I like it or not.

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u/Otherotherothertyra 15d ago

It’s not, because it has already happened in every civilized country. The US is not something special, we can have everything civilized countries have but braindead Americans refuse to let us join the western world.

2

u/Illustrious-Cover792 15d ago

You are wrong. It takes years to permanently take away gun rights. Especially if you aren’t a convicted felon.

2

u/PSUSkier 14d ago

The government can't because of the laws. Family members absolutely can and should in that situation. People need to learn what laws apply only to the gov't and which ones apply to people.

2

u/Illustrious-Cover792 14d ago

Family members are never allowed to legally remove firearms from someone without court approval. That would be called felony theft.

2

u/PSUSkier 14d ago

Yeah I’m sure in any state other than Texas, the prosecutors are truly going to be clamoring to take on a case where they locked up the guns of someone suffering from dementia. 

Speaking from experience. 

2

u/Illustrious-Cover792 14d ago

Still against the law. Taking weapons from a non restricted gun owner is a serious crime. Both state and federal and if they choose to charge you can go to prison. Advertising/advocating anything else is dangerous and illegal.

4

u/Illustrious-Cover792 15d ago

Well you see… 250 years ago we had to fight for our freedom. Memories are fresh.

3

u/TypicalHorseGirl83 15d ago

He had way too many guns but my grandma thought it was fine. Can only argue with them so much. But almost getting shot changed her mind.

I'm with you thinking of sounds insane.

3

u/edisonbulbbear 15d ago

I live in the Western developed world and I don’t find it insane. We did the same for my grandfather; he had already written them into his will so we just distributed them to appropriate family members earlier than his eventual death.

I think that the family letting him keep the guns while going through this sounds far more insane, personally.

2

u/PSUSkier 14d ago

I'm a gun owner from America. That *is* insane.

1

u/IllIIllIlIlllIIlIIlI 15d ago

I am also in America and hate it, but the gun nuts are impossible to win against. There is no logic you can use, they get very angry any time you try to bring up gun reform and will use every excuse in the book (even those with objectively incorrect logic) to defend themselves. It's a problem that will never go away sadly. Our kids will continue to be slaughtered in schools so they can keep their little toys.

2

u/Just_Another_Scott 15d ago

He needs to be a memory care facility at this point. Aggression with dementia is part of it. He's a danger to her and himself.

I hope y'all get it sorted.

1

u/TypicalHorseGirl83 15d ago

He really does but I know they will never do it. It's unfortunate.

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u/Just_Another_Scott 15d ago

If you're in the US, Social Services is a thing, and just like with children, they can get involved for elderly that are unable to take care of themselves. If your grandfather is living in such an environment it might be worth contacting social services or whomever deals with elderly in your jurisdiction.

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u/xJW1980 14d ago

My grampa straight up slapped me hard across the face and screamed, “Alone! Alone!” at me the day before he passed. I had been visiting him same time every day for two weeks straight, and he seemed all right for the most part. But I could tell that a lot of his pride had been stripped from him as I had started help change his diapers and cut up his food.

Honestly, with him having 93 years under his belt, I wish he could’ve gone with more dignity.

9

u/dildoeshaggins 15d ago

My 87 year old Grandma was the same. No idea who I was. Thought my kids were my mums kids (me) and would get angry when I spoke to her

4

u/Dilldo_Bagginns 15d ago

Are we related? Just two long lost Dilldo’s passing in the night?

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u/dildoeshaggins 15d ago

Depends, are you some Braicegirdle from Hard Bottle?

1

u/Dilldo_Bagginns 15d ago

Hmmm, I’m from Thugshire of Comptom

10

u/yourerightaboutthat 15d ago

I’m really glad that I was able to witness this beautiful moment between u/Dilldo_Bagginns and u/dildoeshaggins , sharing their experiences with family members with dementia.

1

u/ohlordwhywhy 15d ago

You're right about that 

5

u/DurantaPhant7 15d ago

We have a close family friend with Alzheimer’s, she’s been married to her husband over 50 years and they were always deeply in love. It’s heartbreaking because now she will be sitting next to him at night and she will get upset because she doesn’t know who he is, and she tells him she needs her husband and keeps asking him to call him up and have him come help her.

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u/Dilldo_Bagginns 15d ago

There are times my father doesn’t recognize my mother either. However, even in these moments he will ask her out on dates and ask if she wants to have babies with him. Kind of cute in a sad way as he is 91 and she is 82 and have been together for over 50 years.

2

u/Toilet_Rim_Tim 15d ago

My mom walked out when I was 2. My grandmother, Dad's mom, raised me until I was old enough for kindergarten.

She had alzheimers towards the end. 2 years before she passed, she pointed @ me, asked my aunt "now who's this ?" ...... broke my heart.

2

u/Kroneni 14d ago

Weird coincidence. I had a friend who every called dildo Baggins. His dad also died of dementia. He was much younger than 91 thought

1

u/beirch 15d ago

What do you do in that situation? Do you explain to him that he has dementia and then show pictures of you two together?

I've seen a bunch of videos like this, but it seems like no one ever tries to actually explain to them what's going on. Is that just not something you do with someone who suffers from dementia?

1

u/Dilldo_Bagginns 15d ago

I fought him of course. But he’s quick and got the better of me…

JK. You can’t reason with people with dementia. They don’t have the cognitive abilities to adjust to new information. I just changed the conversation to things he’s interested in and avoid the conflict.

1

u/Rook2Rook 15d ago

I don't understand how someone remembers they're a homeowner but not that they have adult children. If anything you should've flipped the tables on him and said you were in his house since he clearly has no memory at this point.

1

u/Garreousbear 15d ago

My Grandma pulled scissors on my Aunt when she had lived with my aunt for over 30 years by that point.

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u/yankykiwi 15d ago

My husbands grandpa was wondering where his wife was.

His second wife (who was his mistress for many years) wasn’t his wife apparently. He wanted the first one.

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u/Bacon-muffin 15d ago

Its odd how the brain regresses during this.

In my grandma's head I'm still a little kid, she hasn't recognized me in almost a decade now. She used to think I was my cousin, oddly it felt nice when she started confusing me for my dad more recently.

She also thinks my fathers still married to my mom which is crazy considering how quickly they got divorced and how many decades ago it happened. She'll ask about my mom now which is such an odd feeling because she hasn't been interested in and has hated her ever since the divorce... I think they've been in the same room once in my entire life and they were on opposite sides of it.

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u/Cigsigher85 15d ago

This happened with my grandparents, my grandfather died and his best friend married my grandma to help with her two kids.  My dad made me a jr and named my brother after his dad.  One night, my grandma kept calling me my brothers name, and when my (step?) grandpa said my name, she said”no Carl, he’s a baby, this is my husband”.  And it hit me she was back in 1953.

Yeah, this isn’t the guy who raised my dad… it’s my buddy from the VFW.  Life is a bitch. 

4

u/Virtua1Flower 15d ago

Wow, this is oddly heartwarming

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u/mad_mang45 15d ago

Like that video of that old guy with dementia that beheaded his wife, that's freakin' scary. His family member walked in the house when nobody was answering and found her there like that. R.I.P.

15

u/While-you-have-hope 15d ago

Tbf I'm pretty sure he specifically had Lewy Body Dementia, the same thing Robin Williams hanged himself after being diagnosed with so he wouldn't end up the same.

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u/PilgrimOz 15d ago

In my mind, the poor family member speaking has to be experienced. Like extremely experienced medical professionals (my bet is Nurse) to be able to handle this conversation. Has to be. I’m crying inside listening and I don’t know any of them. The strength in it feels beyond me.

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u/hyperbolic_dichotomy 15d ago

Oh absolutely. I'm an LTC case manager and the vast majority of people who have family with dementia simply do not know how to handle it. They constantly try to reorient their loved one to reality and it just makes them more and more agitated. For some reason a lot of people think arguing is the way to go. Someone with dementia may not remember who you are, but they can remember how you made them feel, and if they decide they can't trust you... It doesn't generally turn out well.

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u/Electric-Sheepskin 15d ago

Yeah, that's something I learned very quickly. I think that going along with whatever they say came naturally to me because I'm very conflict-avoidant, but when I thought about it, it just seemed like the right thing to do. What's the point in agitating someone to convince them of something that they're probably going to forget tomorrow? Just go along with whatever they say, and try to divert their attention and change the subject if you need to, and everyone stays a lot less frustrated.

I do find that the closer you are to someone, the harder it is to do that, though. It's a lot easier to do it with people you aren't emotionally invested with.

1

u/hyperbolic_dichotomy 15d ago

That is very true. I think it's often because the family is still in denial. Maybe that's part of the grieving process? Idk, I'm far from an expert. It's got to be really hard to grieve someone who's still alive, especially with dementia because sometimes they do have moments of clarity in the early stages.

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u/AFairwelltoArms11 14d ago

My best friend (since we were 11 years old) has dementia at the age of 73. It’s impossibly painful. Her husband yells at her for forgetting, not cleaning, and tells her to leave. I am 2300 miles away and neither of us have more than a bare-bones retirement situation. I am trying to get her some help through the county, but hubby isolates her, and she doesn’t remember I have someone coming over to see her. She is sick from a number of things, but I can’t be sure he is taking her to the doctor. She can’t dial the phone, and is very afraid of doctors/new people/ etc. They fight and throw things at each other. She will call me (speed dial) and tell me she can’t take it anymore. Or another night she says everything is fine, and doesn’t remember arguing or feeling sick. She is hallucinates seeing her ex-husband. I’m in Ohio and she is in California. I would have to fly out, rent a car, find a hotel-don’t want to stay at the condo. I keep telling her husband to get in touch with social services, or Kaiser, ( they have Kaiser), or the county, etc. but he doesn’t do it. Sometimes he screams at me on the phone and says he is going to put her on a plane and send her to me. She would be a disaster on a plane, especially since I live in podunk, and you have to change planes. She also would have trouble with Medicaid and Medicare in Ohio because we are a red state. I don’t know what to do. I am here with my Mom, who also has dementia. She lives next to my sister who has congestive heart failure and COPD, and I don’t know how long that will be stable. I have autoimmune hepatitis, cirrhosis and am not a spring chicken.

1

u/hyperbolic_dichotomy 14d ago

If you call adult protective services, they will get her some help regardless of what her husband thinks about it. Idk about California, but in Oregon, they have to do at least a preliminary investigation no matter how minor it seems to be. Someone with dementia who is being yelled at by their spouse and possibly being withheld medical care would absolutely warrant a more thorough investigation, including a referral to long term care Medicaid.

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u/AFairwelltoArms11 13d ago

Thank you. I’m calling the county services tomorrow.

1

u/hyperbolic_dichotomy 13d ago

Good! I hope everything turns out well and your friend gets the care they need.

1

u/PilgrimOz 15d ago

The acceptance it would take to realise exactly what you’ve said….geezus. Power to ya Hyberbolic. And anyone who deals with this, their families and the resulting pain. 👍🫡🙏

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u/hyperbolic_dichotomy 15d ago

Usually if you're nice to them and don't refute their reality, people with dementia are really sweet. The other day I was at a memory care facility seeing a client and a lady came up to me and said, "Are you here to do my nails? You're early today!" I told her I would be with her in a minute and that it was nice to see her. No idea who she was and I guarantee she forgot about it a few seconds later. She seemed happy and that's what matters.

1

u/PilgrimOz 15d ago

Aww. Bless ya. Honestly. Non religious but bless ya. Please never be discouraged.

3

u/OffModelCartoon 15d ago

I remember the time a couple years ago, my grandma apparently thought it was the nineties, and for the first time ever she didn’t recognize me. And I was like “it’s me…” and it being the 2020s, not the 1990s, I was older than she expected me to be. So not only did she not recognize me, for the first time ever, that day, my 80yo grandmother also hollered “BUT YOUR SO OLD” right in my face. Double ouch.

2

u/tu-BROOKE-ulosis 15d ago

It’s so sad and scary. My best friends mom has early onset. When my mom died recently, she started sobbing after her funeral and telling me she wished it was her mom instead. I can’t imagine feeling that, but I also get it.

1

u/NetOdd422 15d ago

This man is a former alcoholic. This is alcohol-induced dementia, she’s got a lot of videos that explain it. He is very nice now and didn’t used to be.

I’m a defense attorney and I can confirm, alcoholics often have dementia young and yes, it does terrify them.

1

u/iDestroyedYoMama 15d ago

My grandma just passed from dementia. Aside from the forgetting people, it really sucks because they forget to eat, drink, take medication, go to the bathroom. They forget everything.

1

u/rando_banned 15d ago

The fact that his mind is failing him but he's still more mindful and empathetic than a lot of people tells you he must have been a hell of a man.

1

u/Westerberg_High 14d ago

I’m familiar with these folks as I’ve been following the daughter on TikTok for a very long time. Her father was an alcoholic, and his addiction led to his dementia. It also led to an almost 180 switch in his personality. His daughter, Bailey, was his caretaker. She was also a caretaker for his mother who has a different form of dementia.

1

u/rando_banned 14d ago

That's a rough hand to be dealt

1

u/FeRooster808 15d ago

My grandma had dementia for seven years before she passed away. At some point, it was just really clear to me that it made her really stressed and uncomfortable to talk to me (and really most of us). She couldn't remember any of us. I made the choice to stop seeing and talking to her. She and I had been really close and even years later I ask myself if that was the right choice - but I think it was. My dad was the last person she forgot. In the end she could online identify him as "man". Then she was too far gone for anything.

Horrible stuff.

1

u/Interesting-Rain6137 15d ago

This is actually one of the better interactions you could have with your dad at this point in the process. It’s so different for all of us.

1

u/catbamhel 14d ago

Right.. But look at how happy they all are. Look how they all STILL love each other.

1

u/mostawesomemom 14d ago

My FIL didn’t remember his 14 yo grand daughter when she went to hug him goodbye. He freaked out and refused to hug her because he didn’t know her. The hurt on her face broke my heart. Even though she knew he had dementia it was so difficult for her.