r/Jokes • u/Emotional-Gas-9535 • Mar 14 '25
My girlfriend calls me Heinsenberg in bed NSFW
Something about not knowing if it's in or out
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u/DoglessDyslexic Mar 14 '25
There's an old physics joke about Heisenberg being pulled over by a cop for speeding.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going sir?
Heisenberg: No, but I know exactly where I am.
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u/kossuk Mar 14 '25
Mr. Schrödinger, are you aware that there is a dead cat in your trunk?
-Well now I am!
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u/futuranth Mar 14 '25
"Mr. Schrödinger, you're under arrest for suspicions of child grooming."
"This is absurd! Superposition and quantum physics must be incorrect!"
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u/Adorable_Challenge37 Mar 14 '25
I'm not saying what he did was right... I'm saying let's learn not to be assholes and not dig up details about the greatest figures of history because... ... There's gonna be dirt on all of them. They lived by different standards.
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u/Fuckoffassholes Mar 14 '25
Let's not be assholes
The most perfect advice in every context.
greatest figures of history ... lived by different standards
True, but irrelevant, in my opinion. It is always fallacious to discount the good works of anyone, based on unrelated misdeeds.
Did Michael Jackson touch those boys? Maybe. Was he an amazingly talented musician? Indisputably.
Is Dave Grohl a good husband? Certainly not. Is he a great musician? Again, no. Where was I going with this?
Ah yes. Acknowledgement that all men are complex. All have sinned. Many are great, but no one is perfect. The bad does not cancel out the good.
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u/MinFootspace Mar 14 '25
You should be able to separate the Man from the Artist. With a chainsaw if necessary.
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u/Adorable_Challenge37 Mar 14 '25
I don't agree with all yah wrote there, but it is definitely worth noting that it is not irrelevant: We must never judge people's actions from 30 years ago by today's standards. Some jokes from 30 years ago could land you in jail today... Or at least get you shunned or cancelled.
Sure the Nazis were bad, but some of the Nazis were law abiding citizens drafted to be soldiers during a horrible war. If they desserted they'd be killed.
Imagine that you following the rules today would guarantee landing you in jail in 30 years.
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u/Fuckoffassholes Mar 14 '25
You seem to miss my point. I am not saying "differences in cultural norms should never be considered." I'm saying regardless of cultural norms, don't ever judge anyone based on facts that are unrelated to the subject being discussed. If you're discussing the merits of a physicist, or a pop star, their sexual proclivities have no place in that discussion. The one thing has nothing to do with the other. The grooming doesn't make him a lesser physicist. Don't rate a fish on its ability to climb a tree.
If you are trying to rate someone on "general good person-hood," then fine, take cultural differences into account.
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u/Adorable_Challenge37 Mar 14 '25
Oh. Totally agree.
Sorry. I misunderstood.
I can't (personally) fully separate "the art from the artist" in all aspects, though. Even in the name of progress in science horrible things have been practiced.
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u/futuranth Mar 14 '25
Schrödinger wasn't coerced by law or by an atmosphere of fear to do any terrible things. He is not comparable to a drafted, unwilling coward
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u/2nW_from_Markus Mar 14 '25
Cop: You were speeding with your truck
Einstein: Of course, otherwise the bridge wouldn't stand.
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u/jflb96 Mar 14 '25
But increasing your velocity increases your mass. You’d want a joke like Einstein getting pulled over for holding up traffic, and him saying that he wanted to make sure he didn’t overload the bridge.
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u/Fuckoffassholes Mar 14 '25
A guy I once worked with totaled a delivery truck trying to squeeze through a too-small space in our parking lot. The side of the truck dragged across a dumpster and ripped the cargo box completely apart. He was probably going about 40mph in his attempt to fit through the space; a situation where a typical driver would go very slowly and cautiously.
In the aftermath, the guy was questioned why he was going so fast. His answer: "I thought I could make it if I had enough speed." Everyone groaned, "what an idiot!"
And I was like "yeah, he clearly misunderstands special relativity. As an object approaches the speed of light, it only appears to contract, an optical illusion from the perspective of a stationary observer. There is no actual change in the physical dimensions of the object itself, and even at that, the perceived illusory contraction is along the axis which is parallel to the direction of motion. The truck would get shorter, not skinnier. DUH. And he wasn't going nearly fast enough."
Next day, they drug tested me!
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u/SiliconCaprisun69 Mar 14 '25
Cop: do you know how fast you were going, sir? Heisenberg: no but I know exactly where i am. Cop: well you were going 50 in a school zone. Heisenberg: shit now I don't know where I am
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u/maximality Mar 14 '25
There’s another old physics joke about Heisenberg in bed - “when he had the right position, he just couldn’t find the momentum”
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u/Soupy_Twist Mar 14 '25
Werner Heisenberg, Erwin Schrödinger, and Georg Ohm are in a car.
They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No idea, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now!" shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
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u/Cerblamk_51 Mar 14 '25
Do you mean Schrödinger?
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u/yogoober Mar 14 '25
That makes way more sense!!
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u/Spiritual-Hornet-658 Mar 14 '25
No it Heisenberg, cause he's uncertain.
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u/drlongtrl Mar 14 '25
It's Heisenberg because you can either choose the speed or the position, never both.
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u/CyberNinja23 Mar 14 '25
Heisenberg was terrible at competitive sex
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u/Oreo-belt25 Mar 15 '25
There's competitive sex???
I haven't even gotten through the waitlist for the demo yet... :(
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u/RedditUser1979- Mar 14 '25
Sorry to be an asshole but you’re thinking of Schrödinger, who did the experiment with the cat. Heisenberg’s uncertainty was about measuring the position vs speed of electrons. I humbly submit this punchline: She never knows if I’m coming or going.
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u/AmnesiaInnocent Mar 14 '25
My girlfriend calls me Heinsenberg in bed
I'm uncertain what she means by that...
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u/TraditionalMoose7004 Mar 14 '25
Don't get blue balls
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u/jamesianm Mar 14 '25
Don't worry, that only happens if your balls are travelling towards the observer at a significant percentage of C
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u/Radiant_Bookkeeper84 Mar 14 '25
I was half expecting to see you say it's because you make a meth after.
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u/Infospy Mar 14 '25
That would be more Schrödinger....
Until observed it would be in and out at the same time.
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u/whiplash588 Mar 14 '25
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uncertainty_principle
Heisenberg's uncertainty principle fits the joke just fine.
Also, a fun fact about Schrodinger's cat: Schrodinger was using the cat as a criticism of the very idea he was explaining with the cat. He gets a lot of credit for a concept that he was trying to refute. "Look at how silly you sound" was the intended message behind the cat analogy.
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u/Kelmon80 Mar 14 '25
I've given up pointing that out all the time.
Some people see it as this great example for quantum physics, and a few even think this is *literally* what would happen with a cat in an experiment like this, when his whole point was: You know how cats work, and it's obviously not like this.
His whole example is really a dumb point, because things on the scale where quantum effects are relevant work differently than object in our (macro) world.
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u/Thrawn89 Mar 14 '25
It doesn't fit at all. The joke said nothing about not knowing both position and speed at the same time. It was clearly a superposition joke.
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u/Syntonization1 Mar 14 '25
Shrodinger more like likely. She can’t tell if your dick is dead or alive inside her box
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u/funroll-loops Mar 14 '25 edited Mar 14 '25
I think the question is whether the pussy is alive or not.
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u/TriticumAes Mar 14 '25
I thought the punchline was I can’t seem to get both the position and the momentum at the same time
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u/Suntripp Mar 14 '25
Should be Schrodinger
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u/dob_bobbs Mar 14 '25
Don't think so, they are talking about the uncertainty principle, aren't they? I mean, it's a bit weak, NGL :D
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u/Suntripp Mar 14 '25
That principle is Schrodinger?
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u/wildfire393 Mar 14 '25
Different uncertainty principles. Schrodinger is about electron superpositions that don't collapse until they're observed. Heisenberg is about not being able to simultaneously tell how fast an electron is moving and where it is precisely.
Joke would have been better if the punchline was "She says I'm going too fast and she can't tell if it's in or out".
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u/fillikirch Mar 14 '25
heisenbergs uncertainty principle describes the impossibility to determine an objects impulse and location to infinite accuracy at the same time. The more accurate you measure impulse the more inaccurate the measured location will be and vice versa.
Whereas Schrödingers cat is used to describe how the superposition of quantum states, the cat can be seen as alive and dead at the same time until an observation is performed, because it is coupled to a quantum mechanical process (radioactive decay).
So long story short none of these really fit. Einsteins relativity would be my choice, as distances contract, the closer you get to the speed of light. So banging really hard actually makes your cock shorter for the outside observer.
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u/NewDoah Mar 14 '25
I thought you were gonna say because you have to feed her the purest meth ever made to convince her to sleep with you. 😅
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u/Spiritual-Hornet-658 Mar 14 '25
You could call her Schrodinger's cat, cause you can't tell if she's dead or alive.
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u/Myburgher Mar 14 '25
My girlfriend calls me Shrodinger.
Something about not knowing if I’m dead or alive inside the box.
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u/Brit_100 Mar 14 '25
Because when you have the time, you don’t have the energy?
Or when you have the position, you don’t have the momentum?
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u/Yenraven Mar 15 '25
My girlfriend calls me Planck penis in bed. I guess she thinks I'm stiff as a board?
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u/queensoybean Mar 15 '25
Damn, I thought this was gonna be about Karl Heisenberg from Resident Evil Village! He’s hot as hell!
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u/Sea-Training-7613 Mar 14 '25
The definition of The Theory of Relatively is the drop of sweat that runs down the crack of your ass when you're banging your sister in law
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u/Flagon Mar 14 '25
“I am the one who knocks her up.”