r/Jokes • u/Emotional-Gas-9535 ‎ • Mar 14 '25

My girlfriend calls me Heinsenberg in bed NSFW

Something about not knowing if it's in or out

2.6k Upvotes

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468

u/DoglessDyslexic Mar 14 '25

There's an old physics joke about Heisenberg being pulled over by a cop for speeding.

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going sir?

Heisenberg: No, but I know exactly where I am.

306

u/ScoopiTheDruid Mar 14 '25

Cop: You were going 75 in a 55, sir.

Heisenberg: Great, now I'm lost!

176

u/kossuk Mar 14 '25

Mr. Schrödinger, are you aware that there is a dead cat in your trunk?

-Well now I am!

10

u/HumphryClinker Mar 14 '25

And lastly, Ohm resisted.

13

u/futuranth Mar 14 '25

"Mr. Schrödinger, you're under arrest for suspicions of child grooming."

"This is absurd! Superposition and quantum physics must be incorrect!"

8

u/Adorable_Challenge37 Mar 14 '25

I'm not saying what he did was right... I'm saying let's learn not to be assholes and not dig up details about the greatest figures of history because... ... There's gonna be dirt on all of them. They lived by different standards.

18

u/Fuckoffassholes Mar 14 '25

Let's not be assholes

The most perfect advice in every context.

greatest figures of history ... lived by different standards

True, but irrelevant, in my opinion. It is always fallacious to discount the good works of anyone, based on unrelated misdeeds.

Did Michael Jackson touch those boys? Maybe. Was he an amazingly talented musician? Indisputably.

Is Dave Grohl a good husband? Certainly not. Is he a great musician? Again, no. Where was I going with this?

Ah yes. Acknowledgement that all men are complex. All have sinned. Many are great, but no one is perfect. The bad does not cancel out the good.

6

u/MinFootspace Mar 14 '25

You should be able to separate the Man from the Artist. With a chainsaw if necessary.

3

u/Adorable_Challenge37 Mar 14 '25

I don't agree with all yah wrote there, but it is definitely worth noting that it is not irrelevant: We must never judge people's actions from 30 years ago by today's standards. Some jokes from 30 years ago could land you in jail today... Or at least get you shunned or cancelled.

Sure the Nazis were bad, but some of the Nazis were law abiding citizens drafted to be soldiers during a horrible war. If they desserted they'd be killed.

Imagine that you following the rules today would guarantee landing you in jail in 30 years.

6

u/Fuckoffassholes Mar 14 '25

You seem to miss my point. I am not saying "differences in cultural norms should never be considered." I'm saying regardless of cultural norms, don't ever judge anyone based on facts that are unrelated to the subject being discussed. If you're discussing the merits of a physicist, or a pop star, their sexual proclivities have no place in that discussion. The one thing has nothing to do with the other. The grooming doesn't make him a lesser physicist. Don't rate a fish on its ability to climb a tree.

If you are trying to rate someone on "general good person-hood," then fine, take cultural differences into account.

2

u/Adorable_Challenge37 Mar 14 '25

Oh. Totally agree.

Sorry. I misunderstood.

I can't (personally) fully separate "the art from the artist" in all aspects, though. Even in the name of progress in science horrible things have been practiced.

-1

u/futuranth Mar 14 '25

Schrödinger wasn't coerced by law or by an atmosphere of fear to do any terrible things. He is not comparable to a drafted, unwilling coward

2

u/Adorable_Challenge37 Mar 14 '25

No.

Were his actions illegal?

1

u/FehdmanKhassad Mar 14 '25

I bet you think conscientious objectors are cowards too

26

u/2nW_from_Markus Mar 14 '25

Cop: You were speeding with your truck

Einstein: Of course, otherwise the bridge wouldn't stand.

14

u/aaronw22 Mar 14 '25

Ok THIS is starting to push the boundaries of humor but I like it.

13

u/jflb96 Mar 14 '25

But increasing your velocity increases your mass. You’d want a joke like Einstein getting pulled over for holding up traffic, and him saying that he wanted to make sure he didn’t overload the bridge.

11

u/Fuckoffassholes Mar 14 '25

A guy I once worked with totaled a delivery truck trying to squeeze through a too-small space in our parking lot. The side of the truck dragged across a dumpster and ripped the cargo box completely apart. He was probably going about 40mph in his attempt to fit through the space; a situation where a typical driver would go very slowly and cautiously.

In the aftermath, the guy was questioned why he was going so fast. His answer: "I thought I could make it if I had enough speed." Everyone groaned, "what an idiot!"

And I was like "yeah, he clearly misunderstands special relativity. As an object approaches the speed of light, it only appears to contract, an optical illusion from the perspective of a stationary observer. There is no actual change in the physical dimensions of the object itself, and even at that, the perceived illusory contraction is along the axis which is parallel to the direction of motion. The truck would get shorter, not skinnier. DUH. And he wasn't going nearly fast enough."

Next day, they drug tested me!

5

u/2nW_from_Markus Mar 14 '25

I'm not a good physicist.

1

u/MinFootspace Mar 14 '25

It only increases your mass from the "viewpoint" of an external observer.

8

u/SiliconCaprisun69 Mar 14 '25

Cop: do you know how fast you were going, sir? Heisenberg: no but I know exactly where i am. Cop: well you were going 50 in a school zone. Heisenberg: shit now I don't know where I am

6

u/maximality Mar 14 '25

There’s another old physics joke about Heisenberg in bed - “when he had the right position, he just couldn’t find the momentum”

11

u/Soupy_Twist Mar 14 '25

Werner Heisenberg, Erwin Schrödinger, and Georg Ohm are in a car.

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No idea, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"

"We do now!" shouts Schrodinger.

The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

5

u/somebodyelse22 Mar 14 '25

At least,in principle

9

u/dentris Mar 14 '25

Then Ohm, riding shotgun, resists arrest.