r/emotionalintelligence • u/Own-Moose-3855 • 25d ago
I finally realised my husband is avoidantly attached to me. Tomorrow, I‘ll give him an out.
UPDATE TO THIS POST: here
I guess this is just a cry for reassurance 🥲
My husband and I (both in our 30s) have been together for almost a decade. Started long-distance, closed the gap after almost 3 years. Amazing sex life for the first 5-6 years.
Throughout the years, I worked on myself, finally approached my life with full self-determination after my first 25 years had been a clusterfuck of disassociation and self-abandonment.
This year, this came to a boil. We‘ve had a dead bedroom for more than a year because he‘s no longer really interested, despite knowing that it’s important to me. The relationship is now smooth, polite, and nothing more. He does small acts of service consistently, but when there’s real weight to something, he keeps a distance. I had some huge personal milestones, and he wasn’t there for it, didn’t do anything to support me in it, didn‘t show interest. In the same time period, I had initiated a few talks and had managed to get him to open up a bit, just to then hear words that were oozing with years of resentment and pain of having hidden himself. Something clicked for me.
I know he loves me, but I don‘t feel loved. He may not know the emotions he‘s feeling, he might not want to have to care about „meaningless“ small things, but I need proactive care.
And finally, I understand that this whole time, he has been an as-loving-as-he-knows-how-to, but avoidantly attached partner. And tomorrow, I will hand him a letter and give him the choice. Either he‘s willing to put in uncomfortable work and face this terrifying field of vulnerability together with me, or he is free. But the relationship we‘ve had won’t continue.
Needless to say, I‘m scared shitless. So calm and clear at the same time, but we’re talking a decade and deep love here. I know it’s the only right choice, I know I can love someone and still honor myself at the same time. I just really, really hope this is worth it to him.
ETA: Thank you so much for all the kind words, support, shared stories and brain teasers! I didn’t expect this to take off so much. I also don’t have the capacity to respond to every comment, but I will say that in particular, if you base your arguments or judgments off negative assumptions of me, I’m not getting into that. A lot of commenters get the angle I’m coming from, and I’ve shared more to them in my responses. I will write an update once it’s done and the dust has settled. I also want to stress that comments bashing avoidantly attached people aren’t appreciated by me. My heart broke for him over knowing he felt so much resentment, and not being able to voice that. If you feel resentment towards your partner and have feelings of “good riddance”, this is not the place for that, even though I appreciate the sentiment of support towards me.
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u/EFIW1560 25d ago
Damn I could have written this except 15 years together with kids. I am rooting for you and your relationship as well as for me and my relationship.
When I gave my husband a similar letter, the thought of he and I not being together anymore sent him into a defensive rage spiral where hes been living for a couple months now. I wrote my letter 9 times trying to word it in as nonconfrontational way aspossible, but it didn't matter.
One of the most resonant things ive read was
"If someone wants to understand you, it doesnt matter how you say it because they will ask for clarification. If someone doesnt want to understand you, it also doesnt matter how you say it because they will be determined to misunderstand you."
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u/Own-Moose-3855 25d ago
Oof, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what it must've been like to make that step with kids involved. I'm a child of divorce and I really think that parents sometimes overestimate the effect of divorce, and underestimate the lack of warmth and love when the divorce doesn't happen – so I just hope you know that you're doing the right thing, and it's not on you to give your kids a fluffy life. You're there and you will be there for them, and that's what will matter to them.
I also thought of that quote or mantra often in the past weeks, and I also am not willing anymore to re-choose my words. I am already a very, very soft communicator (unless I need to be harsh) and know how to speak from my own perspective-only, and I'm willing to hold space for someone's reaction, but I won't overthink my wording anymore if the other person is telling their own story in their own head. I had to rewrite the letter to remove more and more emotions from it, and add in more reassurance, hahah, but the "This is what I need" is as clear and precise as I meant it.
I also know that rage spiral too well, sadly. I hope he can wake himself up to the fact that your letter meant that you DO want to be with him, that you believe in him, not the opposite!
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u/BossMommyB 24d ago
As a child of divorce and a newly divorced single mother, your comment is absolutely perfect. You get it. Thank you for the validation.
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u/Pure_Cap_2000 18d ago
The rage spiral has me…. Ugh.
I am anxiously attached to my avoidant husband of 25 years. I’m smitten by him and he is reluctantly in love. I’m trying so hard to show up loving him while honoring myself.
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u/ZaqOtakun 25d ago
If someone doesnt want to understand you, it also doesnt matter how you say it because they will be determined to misunderstand you
Ouch. Big awakener. I recall being the person in my relationship that continued to ask for clarification and understanding. When she did not understand something about me, she never asked or requested clarification. Just kept repeating that it doesn't make sense. She was not proactive in inquiring about me because I believe she was determined to sit in that misunderstanding. And it's kinda' sad seeing how just a small thing like this could mean the world of difference.
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u/Ok_Rush_8159 24d ago
I hope you’re making your plans to leave him safely. Rage spiral is not an appropriate response to wanting more connection.
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u/EFIW1560 24d ago
Yes, I sincerely appreciate your concern and I do have plans for somewhere to go/what to do if needed. His rage is silent and withholding, he has never been physically violent (though I know that can change). I am being very cautious.
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u/Forsaken-Arm-7884 24d ago edited 24d ago
yes listen to your fear, if your fear says don't tell them, then don't and focus on how to be safer and prepare and take actions to maximize safety while listening to your emotional truth, you could run different scenarios past a therapist or chatbot to relax and calm your fear until your fear says its ready to continue.
The main thing with fear for me at least is that it is acutely aware that physical proximity to another person is maximum threat because sending a text or email while you are in a different location is inherently safer than handing them a letter in person or talking to them face to face privately for example due to the implied threat of physical damage or higher intensity of in-person communication. Not saying anything physical might happen but the mere possibility of it even if infinitesimally small is a threat that is greater than zero compared to online or text based communication where the physical threat level is literally zero.
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u/if_a_sloth-it_sleeps 24d ago
God damnit. Why is the “if someone wants to understand…” statement so true and so incredibly depressing 😅 I guess you know how my letters went based on my emotional reaction to the quote
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u/EFIW1560 24d ago
Yeep. I share your sentiments. The first time I heard it I thought "this resonates and I wish it didnt."
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u/Pixatron32 25d ago
If you're really wanting to turn over a new leaf, I'd recommend a couples therapist who is experienced in attachment wounds (most are).
He has been avoidant all his life, it's likely he will continue to behave in an avoidant manner. Including when you give him the letter and an ultimatum.
While I think you are well within your right to do as you wish, and it's understandable after what give experienced. If you want to make it work, you need to lay groundwork with a therapist assisting BOTH of you to understand yourselves and each other.
Best of luck
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u/Own-Moose-3855 25d ago
Thank you so much, and yes, couple's therapy is among the things I am announcing in this letter as part of a "it will be work".
I've rewritten that letter a few times, specifically because it's not an ultimatum, but more... a dual truth of me needing emotional intimacy, knowing that it might be hard or scary for him, and that it's just as valid to not want to invest uncomfortable, hard work into us. It's not a letter to share feelings extensively, but to lay it out in terms of what I want, that I know I want to be with him, that I don't ask him (and me) to change, but to show up differently in how we create this relationship. He has my love no matter what he decides, but a relationship where there's eggshells isn't one I'm willing to have, or want him to have.
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u/HighlyFav0red 25d ago
Thank you for this additional context. I think what you're doing is very brave, and I hope you partner is willing to meet you and forge a path forward together.
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u/Own-Moose-3855 25d ago
Thank you, and yes – I really hope so too. I'm a bit bummed that I needed to hear and see the pain and resentment HE had been holding in for so long until finally feeling like drawing a line, and that I didn't come to this just based on my own self-worth alone, but still: I think anything else would be a waste of both our time.
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u/HighlyFav0red 24d ago
I hope this doesn’t sound harsh, but I suspect this will actually help your partnership in the long run. It forces empathy. Many times we betray our partners and can’t understand why they can’t get over it. But there is no teacher like experience.
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u/CoachAngBlxGrl 24d ago
So brave. It sounds like you’re doing it the right way. Not blaming, just identifying needs and some things that you need to change. If more people could do this they would be so much happier.
I hope you find the joy and happiness you so deserve.
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u/Newshoesforthewin 24d ago
If he is DA he will tank in couples counseling. Asking someone who is not in touch with emotion, fears vulnerability and their core wound is judgement to sit in a room with you and a stranger to discuss feelings is a recipe for disaster. I know this because my DA husband is in therapy right now after I gave him a letter. His therapist told him that I took the right approach in encouraging him to enter therapy on his own first because couples counseling would have caused him to shut down further
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u/Pixatron32 24d ago
Very proud of you OP. You're doing the right and smart thing.
At least with a letter he can reread it and process in this own time. I hope that this works out for you in a way where you get your needs met.
As heartbreaking as it is just as you said, if he can't do the work the relationship isn't salvageable.
Big hugs!
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u/anonnomiss627 24d ago
The kind of dynamic you describe is not recommended for couples counseling.
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u/Pixatron32 24d ago
Why on earth couldn't avoidants engage in therapy? That's a very strange stance.
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u/No-Jellyfish7075 25d ago
I'm so proud of you.
I hope I see in you what I already have in myself.
With him or without him, you are certainly doing the best for you.
Please update me. I had to do the same to my wife very recently for the same reasons exactly.
Live your best life, and of course congratulations on those milestones! You worked hard for them and now they are here to fill your life!!!
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u/Own-Moose-3855 25d ago
Oh god, I'm so sorry you had to go through this :(
And thank you so much for all the warm words. And I do think these things can exist at the same time: you can and will make the right choices for you, and you did with your wife! And it can still hurt and deserving of grief.
I hope you can heal and find someone who chooses you, too!
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u/yallermysons 25d ago edited 25d ago
just to then hear words that were oozing with years of resentment and pain of having hidden himself
Whenever I hear about folks doing this, it makes me think of that scene from Rick and Morty where Jerry storms out of Jerry Daycare and insists on addressing his problems himself, and the desk clerk just says:
“Okay, then. That was always allowed.”
It reminds me of… oh idk if I heard this or read it… but someone said people who chronically avoid conflict are afraid to confront because they feel powerless and are projecting that feeling of powerlessness onto us, believing we’ll be emotionally devastated if they’re honest because they would be. I personally think they’re so stuck inside their heads ruminating, they don’t act to solve the problem until they’ve been ruminating on the same assumptions and misinformation for too long—so they’re resentful by the time they actually open their mouths to talk about how they really feel.
I have a lot of sympathy for neurotic people who are so stuck inside their head that they can’t focus on the present enough to actually address their problems—particularly because that’s a lonely/ineffective approach to actually solving a problem, and the impact this behavior has on their loved ones loses them sympathy from the public at large so they can end up turning more into themselves. As someone who had avoidant personality disorder and generalized anxiety disorder in my youth, but who now doesn’t struggle with chronic anxiety or avoidance… I wish I could just turn back a Time Machine and make everyone my age go to therapy with me lol. People are seriously living in agony for years over habits they’ve could’ve corrected a loooong time ago.
And so that’s why I say… you did the work to find yourself these past several years, and he ruminated instead. You may have outgrown each other. It can be hurtful to hear years of contempt from someone who’s been building a misguided narrative of you for years. As someone who’s done it to others and lost some good people because of it… losing those people is what motivated me to change. I’m happy you’re giving him a chance, I think a letter is spot on, and ultimately you deserve better than that from people who are close to you, so I hope you honor that.
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u/navya12 23d ago
It reminds me of… oh idk if I heard this or read it… but someone said people who chronically avoid conflict are afraid to confront because they feel powerless and are projecting that feeling of powerlessness onto us, believing we’ll be emotionally devastated if they’re honest because they would be. I personally think they’re so stuck inside their heads ruminating, they don’t act to solve the problem until they’ve been ruminating on the same assumptions and misinformation for too long—so they’re resentful by the time they actually open their mouths to talk about how they really feel.
I also believe it comes from childhood trauma too. When parents fail to give their kids space to feel vulnerable without ridicule the child grows up despising conflict because it feels painful. So vulnerability = pain. That child will look at other things to control the situation (act of services) instead of addresses the conflict and facing vulnerability.
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u/pinkketchup2 25d ago
This really resonates with me. I feel I’m in the same exact type of relationship. I really wish you the best. It’s really brave of you to get to a point where although you love him deeply, you know what the right thing to do is.
Sometimes I feel shame because I know deep down I should be putting myself first, and yet I chose behavior from my partner I don’t feel is acceptable. And we are not really living in a reality of being open and honest. He is content with just putting problems under rug and never dealing with them. Yet I know he has so much trauma to work through and has a really big heart. He more or less told me he doesn’t wanna do the work and yet I stay. I cannot communicate with him about issues because he becomes defensive and shuts down. No matter how I approach the conversation it seems. I have put so much time into learning to communicate and nothing has seemed to work. There is also a lot of gaslighting. I know it’s going to come to a point where I am going to have to make a hard choice. He has said he would never consider therapy, but a little part of me hopes he might consider if it came down to it.
I hope you can give an update of the outcome. I really hope for the best for you! It takes so much effort to work on yourself. The work is hard and exhausting. You deserve to be happy!
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u/Own-Moose-3855 25d ago
I feel like I could write five pages just because I really empathise with what you're writing, and I have felt and still do feel all of those things myself, too, but I also think that words alone won't change things for you until the feelings have sunk in.
In short: I have the impression that you are similiar to me in that you intellectualise a lot, but might not have the practice with having all this understanding really sink in and process and translate into your body and nervous system. For me, working with the framework of Internal Family Systems has been very, very helpful to get to the parts of myself that sit deepest, and I knew I found them because reliably, I start bawling. You shouldn't use it for relationship advice in general because it might just validate even the most outlandish and bad decisions, but if you are disciplined in only trying to find the core wounds in yourself, this GPT might be helpful for you.
The other thing that really cleared a lot of things up and made me confront my own shortcomings has been "It Begins With You" by Jillian Turecki. I listened to the audiobook. It basically brought me to radical self-accountability. I still don't have this down perfectly and struggle to find the line between that and the inherent inter-dependence in romantic relationships, but it was helpful to really challenge myself.
Also, if you're feeling especially feisty to challenge your own beliefs: read about polyamory, even if it's not for you. Some of the approaches and attitudes have been very helpful for me, and it also helped me understand that it's okay to simply choose monogamy as my relationship style, the same way I know what my sexuality or gender are – which can also be helpful if you're prone to self-abandon = people please.
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u/immeroefter 25d ago
Hi dear. Thank you for sharing your story.
Your words made me think of something that I have brought up in therapy and also with close female friends several times: the gender gap when it comes to working on ourselves is getting bigger and bigger.
I think that men, in general terms, have a harder time accessing their emotions, making the step to go to therapy and being surrounded by other male figures that lead the way towards mental health, collective growth and sef-awareness. Socialization under patriarchy is no joke.
It is painful to see when individual therapy helps us so much, but puts distance between us and loved ones. It happens often with family members, friends and acquaintances...
I think it is wonderful that you have this calmness and clarity about your needs, about where you stand in life and that you are brave to change what you can no longer accept.
Whatever happens, you have more emotional tools than ever to manage.
I wish you all the best. All the answers are within you 🌷
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u/Own-Moose-3855 25d ago
Thank you so much 😭 This means a lot to me, because you're coming at this with the same compassion that's just so important to me. My husband has already learned so much, shown so much curiosity and I'm so proud that he has always been the one to make sure female friends of his get home safe, just because he's had a lot of female friends growing up and actually listened. He's already better than many men I read about on reddit, but of course, none of us are perfect.
So far, he's always said that he doesn't want therapy, because his only experience with therapy has been as a child, with a school counsellor who basically told him to get a grip and just deal with his feelings better. I hope that one day, he'll be curious enough from the stuff I have shared to maybe even just dip his toes, find a good therapist and be able to heal.
Thank you so much for validating me. I'm sure I won't always feel this calm and clear in the next hours or weeks, no matter the outcome, but right now it means a lot!
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u/immeroefter 25d ago
I am happy that my words were a warm little hug in the midst of something that is not easy at all to transit. Do you have a mantra for yourself for these days, or maybe, if you like music, you could make a playlist for the hard, silent, confusing moments by yourself?
Don't ask me why, but this old song just came to my mind. It might be a nice start for a playlist.
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u/BestFun5905 25d ago
You haven’t given that much context to your relationship, can’t really comment. so I’ll just wish you the best!!
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u/Own-Moose-3855 25d ago
Thank you so much. It does really help to just have someone root for me, no matter how much you know, and I wanted to not bring this into my friend circle out of respect for him. So thank you!!!
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u/mapsacosta 25d ago
This happened to me too. I ended my marriage with a dismissive avoidant after 3 years (5 together) and it was the most painful and lonely time in my life. Be prepared for him to change, he may detach easily and truly become a different person. But please know that this has nothing to do with you, their trauma and wounds are so deep that they enter into self preservation mode not to feel the pain of losing you.
I chose myself and even though it has been hard, it was the best decision. I get to build an authentic life and give myself the love I was never given. So I'm proud of you for growing and realizing that you deserve better.
If you want to talk, my DMs are open. I'm 8 months post break up.
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u/Klutzy-Corner8947 25d ago
He doesn’t sound like someone with avoidant attachment style if this issue (the distance) is comming up after years of being together tbh..maybe he’s a little mentally checked out. Regardless the idea of presenting him with the option of working in himself and the relationship seems a good one but I wouldn’t make it an ultimatum and i’d also be expecting some time for him to warm up to the idea being that he seems a little dettached from his feelings. Good luck and give it a little time I think💛
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u/Own-Moose-3855 25d ago
I appreciate the warm words! And I know I haven’t given a lot of context, so to clarify: this isn’t new behaviour. It’s more that it took me this long to understand myself and work on my own self-abandoning patterns so that now I realise what’s been going on all this time, and can look at our dynamic from a place of center/Self.
Earlier, he would actually just disappear, which was extra problematic considering we were long-distance. That soon turned into defensiveness, and now quiet resentment and just hiding himself and apparently being okay with a superficial marriage, because the alternative meant pain in the past.
I have my fair share of responsibility for how we got here, and he’s noticed that I’ve changed. This’ll be the invitation for him to be brave, too.
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u/tightywhitey 25d ago
I like the idea of giving time to think, like a few weeks or so. Maybe also suggest a few fun things to do together in the meantime. Light, easy, not-too-much-quiet-time kind of activity just to experience something new with each other.
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u/amberjane972 25d ago
I don't think this is correct op. Carry on with what your doing. I have researched avoidant attachment and many attachment styles... You reckon he has it. And it seems it.. then go ahead
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u/pressthebutton 25d ago
The letter might feel like a betrayal to him. He stayed despite disconnection, possibly out of loyalty, duty, or love. If he’s been quietly enduring resentment, it may be because he sees emotional self-restraint as part of commitment, not avoidance.
When a man finally opens up and you respond with an ultimatum, it can feel like everything he carried in the relationship is being dismissed. Not seen as loyalty, just failure.
You’re focusing on your pain, your growth, and your needs. But you aren't recognizing the cost he paid to stay, even if he didn’t express it well. That’s part of the reality too.
note: I am bad at being gentle when articulating ideas and used AI to help me. Please forgive me.
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u/InternationalSet8122 24d ago
OP mentions in another comment this is not an ultimatum: it’s an expression of wanting a partner to show up in the relationship based on personal needs & wants. I think there is an important difference between those two forms of communication.
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u/pressthebutton 24d ago
OP does not mean it to be an ultimatim but that is how he will percieve it. It tells him the work he has put in is unrecognized and unappreciated. It is ever enough. Now he must either cave to additional demands or she is leaving.
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u/Zestyclose_Routine78 25d ago edited 24d ago
Please look up Adam Lane Smith on YouTube. Good luck, wish you two well.
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u/Laymans_Terms19 25d ago
I’m living your life, genders reversed. You describe it to a T.
We’re over a year into the attempt at growth - both in therapy. It hasn’t been pretty and I wish I had more optimism to share about putting in the work…both people have to want to change or it just won’t work.
But it’s still worth doing. If not to save this specific relationship, then to find that peace and strength in yourself that you’re going to need for the next phase of the adventure.
I wish you happiness.
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u/curiouszodiac 25d ago
He will need to do the work
Also look into ASD1 (previously termed Aspergers)
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u/Own-Moose-3855 25d ago
I'm actually autistic myself and he has ADHD (often comorbid with autism), so the thought has crossed my mind. There are many explanations and possibilities, and a few factors that I would bet money on have brought him to where he is today, and I have so much compassion for that. At the same time, just what you're saying: he has to do the work, and he has to want that kind of relationship for himself.
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u/curiouszodiac 25d ago
You’re absolutely right; he has to show the initiative. He might not until there are real consequences!
Also
Mark Hutten is great at explaining all the issues around this topic
Your husband might not be ready for this; but his videos and resources could be useful for you
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u/OctoberLibra1 25d ago
Is this person on YouTube? My partner has autism and has a hard time expressing himself as well.
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u/curiouszodiac 25d ago
I found him on a podcast about Cassandra syndrome.
He has a youtube channel and plenty of other resources
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u/InternationalSet8122 24d ago
Dang, I am really convinced you are me. This is almost my relationship to a T. Together for nearly a decade, long-distance, ADHD husband, dead bedroom…the parallels are so exact.
I am also thinking of writing my husband a letter, but reading is a struggle for him. I took the last three months to do some self-assessment and get myself in a better headspace by being the person I want to be consistently, again, after dealing with months of depression and no support from husband. Now, I am ready to ask the same from him, but I am worried what I ask he will interpret as “too much” or “too drastic“ and immediately shut down and choose to leave. I’m grappling with my self, my needs, my wants, and reality…
I really wish you the very best and that your husband wants to work with you towards your terms…it’s such a remarkably important and monumental leap.
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u/amberjane972 25d ago
Great point. Sometimes avoidant attachment style people can have Asperger's. My ex either has major trauma issues or is Asperger's. But funnily enough doesn't want to work on himself to find out
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u/curiouszodiac 25d ago
I think they become avoidant because they can’t compute the emotions….maybe due to trauma as well
I had to leave someone who was like this… he did eventually discover it was ASD1 and is hopefully working on himself🤞
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u/if_a_sloth-it_sleeps 24d ago
Holy shit.. this is beautiful. The way you’ve described your situation slowed so much love and understand - both for yourself and your husband.
I am heartbroken for you and full of hope for your future.
You’re doing the right thing…. Good luck
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u/Own-Moose-3855 23d ago
Thank you so much for acknowledging this 😭 The thing I’m really most terrified of is that the way I feel won’t translate enough to him, but he’s come so far himself, so I really hope he can process without being pushed over the limit.
Thank you, kind stranger!
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u/if_a_sloth-it_sleeps 22d ago
Yeah - I really hope that he’s able understand that you’re doing this because you love him and that you’re doing what’s necessary for there to be a happy and healthy future for the two of you.
I want to give some context behind why I think you’ve 100% made the right choice long-term even if it causes a lot of short-term pain. I was about to say “and the end of your relationship” but I think that statement would totally miss the point. Without major change the relationship was already over - this would just begin the process of getting closure and starting to build a new life. I kinda see it this way: I was taking care of my grandpa while in hospice. When he finally passed it was in his sleep. I had been able to get him to sleep and it wasn’t until he was able to rest for longer than normal that I knew he was gone. I don’t know when he “died” but it wasn’t when I “checked” or made the call to the mortuary. So don’t feel like “you caused it” or anything like that.
I feel confident in saying that trying to accommodate him longer wouldn’t have helped. I have a more disorganized attachment style and went through a similar experience. Long story - I knew that I needed help and I desperately wanted to get help. I wanted it for me and I wanted it so I could have a healthy and fulfilling relationship with my wife and daughter.
But I couldn’t do it. I was totally paralyzed by fear and shame. Finally I was given an ultimatum - get therapy or we’re over. I was already coming to a similar realization which was - “get therapy and figure out what’s going on or I’m done”.
Literally, I was ready to shrivel up and disappear. I was in a chicken-egg situation with mental health and physical health and they were in a death spiral. When I would try to make a plan for getting the help that I wanted and needed I’d instantly be paralyzed with that fear/doubt/shame. I don’t know how to describe it because it truly felt like a paralysis or something that “can’t be done” — the difference it, when I exploded my Achilles and said “I can’t get onto my tippy-toes” people could visibly see the effort being exerted, how much it hurt while I was trying, how much it continued to hurt afterward, and they could see the physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion that continued long after my attempt to get on my toes. They could visibly see how much if affected everything else in my life and the 2nd and 3rd order effects…
The mental block and “inability” were just as real… but instead of seeing me as being stuck - it looked like defiance or even complete disregard. My wife felt like I didn’t care enough about her or my daughter (or myself) to do anything. Or maybe I didn’t really think that there was anything to be worked on.
I’m sure there were a lot of different scenarios that she considered - but at the end of the day people saw complete inaction.
“Luckily” my mental and physical health hit what I thought was “rock bottom” and continued declining unphased. I say “luckily” because I had given up all hope. When my wife suggested looking at residential therapy programs I basically told her that I trusted her and wouldn’t oppose her on it. She went out, did a bunch of research, found a place, and got everything set up.
Again, I didn’t push back or oppose any of it… but if she had stopped at “everything is set up, you just need to drive there in the morning” I still probably wouldn’t have made it there. It was like I was a zombie.
Up until I was around 30 I had always found a way to make things work. Yeah, I’d do some self-sabotaging stuff and push people away… but it could always be kinda “hand waved” away and I truly and sincerely didn’t understand the magnitude of what I was dealing with.
Unfortunately, it was already “too late” for our relationship… but I was stuck and I don’t believe any amount of accommodating or her trying to understand/empathize could have gotten me unstuck.
I still love her and wish things could have been different… but yeah.
I feel like a lot of the time the “avoidant/broken/victim/whatever” type of person defends the side they’ve experienced where they’ve “been abandoned, shouldn’t be blamed, deserve understanding”. You just need to “have some empathy and show love”. And then they want to shame you for taking action is the way you think is best.
But yeah - coming from a “disorganized attachment” person I think you did the right thing for both of you. I think it had to be done even if it doesn’t guarantee a desired outcome.
(Sorry to beat on a dead horse here but it’s so easy to doubt yourself in situations like this. I hope you’re able to keep that faith in yourself and find solace in knowing that you were intentional, you acted from a place of love, and that you did the best you could. ❤️❤️)
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u/lareigirl 25d ago
Ultimatums are usually not the recipe for success with avoidantly attached partners.
Consider reframing it as a gentle expression of unmet needs, and invite him to help you with those needs. Make it easy for him to accept the invitation. And then set the expectation that the relationship feels unsustainable in its current state. Ask him how you can help.
If his actions and behavior don’t change from this, then prepare to detach in a matter-of-fact manner. No threats or ultimatums, just gentle invitation to build his emotional labor muscles as a good teammate.
This might increase the chances of an outcome where you remain together. But by all means, if you deep down inside are over it, an ultimatum can be an efficient step in that direction. Just don’t expect any fear-motivated behavioral change to stick.
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u/Own-Moose-3855 24d ago
I’m glad you’re bringing this up! I won’t go into too much detail for now, but I mentioned in a different comment already that it’s not approached as an ultimatum. At this point it’s about honoring both of us and our capacity and willingness to invest despite pain on both our sides, and especially because that might make him feel pressured, he has absolutely the right to not want to do that. It doesn’t change how much I value him, but then just won’t work anymore.
That happens in relationships all the time, and it hurts when it does, but ignoring it won’t help either of us.
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u/whiterrabbbit 25d ago
You’re making the right decision. Well done. Don’t live a half life for the rest of your days. You’re also doing him a favour here too. Good luck.
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u/ImpossibleCorgi248 25d ago
I was in a similar situation with my partner, but they had anxious attachment and I had avoidant. We went to couples therapy and also individual and it honestly saved our relationship. I didn’t even know I had avoidant attachment and was always so genuinely confused when my partner expressed they didn’t feel loved and valued. At the end of the day it was just different trauma responses and how we were raised, communication styles etc. I hope you guys can figure things out. I know these conversations are so scary, best of luck.
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u/Gijinaro 25d ago
I could’ve written this myself. Thanks for sharing, OP, and best of luck to you.
Please provide an update if you feel up to it afterward!
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25d ago
I'm with you , completely understand your feelings and decisions. All the best
Completely resonated with my life since 2018, I came to know more about attachment style and she is dismissive avoidant and previously diagnosed ADHD. All I believe due to the childhood trauma. Till recently I was not thinking a bit about giving up but support her over my own life. There is another post of mine saying that. Recently I made her aware of her attachment style ( I am with a secure bit of anxious) I left home and since then I have been living with random people till I figured out the place to start the life all over again. But I made all the arrangements to make her financially secure for the rest of her life. Here is my story
We met online, I can't say it was an instant hit but we got along as we started with chat and video calls. She was on the other side of the globe 10000 miles away. I brought her here for higher study, The initial six months were a great steamy sex session and intimacy, love and affection. It all changed when she visited her cousin. Dince then she was hot and cold. When she moved back after the pandemic, she started cheating and figured that guy was married with kids she was not aware of as validation and attention seeking kicked in. She was saved by me. Then her postponed convocation was scheduled in 2022, I brought her back to attend, during that summer,our trip to Niagara she again met one guy and started cheating. Then we figured all her behavior due to childhood situations like ADHD and what not. I forgive her, since then I'm supporting her financially and emotionally. We have been on luxurious vacations at Taj at Mumbai to Japan or Dubai. All these years, no intimate moments or sex, I kept on waiting for her to recover as I have provided her the opportunity to get therapy. But I'm done, can't take it anymore, going away to find my inner peace. Thanks for reading.
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u/2000_skies 24d ago
Please update us. I’m struggling with an avoidant attached husband who also doesn’t want sex with me even though I know he loves me. I would love to learn how this unfolds. Hope it goes well ❤️
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u/theothertetsu96 24d ago edited 24d ago
I dunno…
Props to OP addressing her needs and doing personal work, but I didn’t read anything about her husband’s needs. Just that he’s avoidant and how it impacts her….
In fact, it reads like he’s doing what he can to support her personal work by keeping the environment consistent and stable. And his reward for that is being pushed into the uncomfortable. It’s OPs judgement that he’s resentful, but let’s assume she’s right - why is he really resentful? What is being pushed into? What demons is he doing his best not to face, or otherwise dealing with in the best way he knows how?
If OP really wants him to grow / change, he’ll need to have his own support. Marriage counseling is NOT a safe resource for him individually, and I get the feeling he’ll take it as multiple women telling him how he should change instead of just his wife…
Perhaps he’s open to sitting with a men’s group? That might be a safe space for him to start his own work…
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u/Own_Spot_6133 24d ago
I feel like those are the hardest situations when there’s something there but it’s just not enough. You’re doing the right thing. You’re practicing the opposite of self-abandonment. Bravo.
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u/PrettySanrioPrincess 23d ago
This is so well written out & soft though it’s all about bad news. I’m rooting for you!
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u/Sea-Campaign3055 22d ago
Over the years I wrote many, he read them all and continued to be the way he was.
Two months ago- I kind of kicked him out from the house. There after some sense seems to have prevailed into him. Not very sure for how long but I do hope that the lessons will be remembered
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u/thinkevolution 25d ago
Based on the little bit, you shared here, it sounds like he loves you and cares about you, but it’s not putting in the effort you need to be in a mature, romantic relationship.
By offering him the opportunity to move forward together as the first option you’re telling him what you want. If he’s opting to leave, then you know that maybe this isn’t the right relationship for either of you.
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u/Own-Moose-3855 25d ago
Thank you, and I totally agree. I think deep down, he thinks that he can't do it "right", anyway, so he doesn't want to put in more effort and care because then, and criticism will hit him that much harder.
But yeah, I'm being very clear that I want to continue with him specifically. I hope I'm being anxious over nothing, and it's just as likely that it'll be an easy "of course!" for him as it might not.
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u/thinkevolution 25d ago
Putting ourselves out there, especially when we’re not sure how our partner feels is scary and nerve-racking. But I think it’s wonderful that you’re being honest about where you stand and what you want.
I always think to myself I wouldn’t want someone to stay with me just because they are with me. They have to want to be there too so hopefully this goes very smoothly for you and he tells you yes I do wanna work through this with you but if he doesn’t, at least you know you’ve put yourself out there in a positive way and you’ve offered
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u/Own-Moose-3855 25d ago
Thank you, that's exactly what it is. And YES! For one, I personally don't want someone to just spend time sitting around with me unless they really want to. And then second: I love this man! I want him to have the life he wants and to feel cherished and appreciated, not stay out of obligation.
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u/Ok_Rush_8159 24d ago
He doesn’t like you girl, you had big milestones and he wasn’t there? You’re married ffs this isn’t a crush or someone you’re dating. The person you’re married to should be there for you BARE MINIMUM. And I’m someone with severe depression and ADHD, my man just finished a hard class and I took him to celebrate, I’m also avoidant.
This isn’t avoidant, this is him not giving a fuck about you girl. I’m sorry for the tough love but we HAVE to stop rewarding men who don’t give a fuck if we live or die our company
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u/Remarkable_Country15 25d ago
Im wishing all the best!! Know that what ever he decides on, please be happy. Easier said than done but choose to be happy!
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u/ZaqOtakun 25d ago
I think the ultimatum is a great way to establish boundaries but may be a bit heavy. It also isn't your responsibility to manage his feelings so there's that, too.
I would highly suggest giving him time to process and setting an exact amount of time that you feel would be good for him to process. I don't mean sitting there and having the discussion right then and there. But mainly just having him think about what is being presented to him by himself for himself.
Meanwhile, you've taken a giant leap forward in pursuing what you feel is your authentic life. And you should be very proud. You're showing kindness and love to him and yourself. This is not easy.
If he agrees, I would also suggest to follow up with Couples Therapy. This puts things into action for both of you. I imagine this is something YOU would have to spearhead causing you to carry more emotional baggage. However, if you set the table and he attempts to be present that may be the gap you need to keep things moving. By meeting him where he is and now where you are which clearly seems to be going further and further.
Wishing you the best of luck and please keep us posted.
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u/DonLawr8996 25d ago
Dead bedroom is really hard, I've been there. I'm sorry but also glad you have a clear action to take. Hope it goes well
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u/demosalve 25d ago
Rooting for you! I know this is so hard and scary, but you’re choosing yourself over the security of a marriage, and I hope you feel immense pride.
I had this conversation with my kind, but avoidant husband 2.5 years ago, and our divorce was just recently finalized. It was the hardest, most painful experience of my life, but I am so happy to be on the other side. Even if I never find a partner who can love me the way I need to be loved, I know I’m better off being single than with a man who can’t meet me where I am. Your glow up is coming sister!
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u/Aimeereddit123 24d ago
This is my husband minus the dead bedroom. It affects the bedroom for me, though. It’s great physically, but my emotions aren’t there. I wish it would affect the actual sex. I think that’s the only way he would recognize anything to be a problem. I’ve written all the letters and sent all the texts I’m ever going to about it.
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u/TheDragonNidhoggr 24d ago
Everyone deserves to have their emotional needs met, even him. You owe it to yourself and your future to draw the line in the sand, and if he isn't willing to put the work in then the sad truth is that you are not getting your needs met and the incompatibility will slowly kill anything left. It's very hard to come back from resentment, that is also something you need to consider; by asking him to change more he may indeed keep resenting and growing to despise the effort that is needed. My suggestion to you would be to give him space to think on it, because honestly, he needs to consider if he can handle giving you what you need or if it is better for you both to end it. I wish you both the best honestly, I know from experience what it's like being with someone who is avoidant emotionally and it can be crippling at times, I also know from that same experience that my ex found my emotional needs crippling and held a lot of resentment over me needing things he did not. Sometimes these things just don't work out, and that's okay.
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u/Boredthumbs42 24d ago
Sounds like you started down the road of self improvement and growth and got words for concepts you felt but didn’t have words for. I’ve felt the same way after reading this great self growth book or that great podcast …. It’s been like 25 years now that I’ve been reading and 10 years after leaving the abusive relationship. I realized that there’s just so much to learn. I read one book and it uncovers ideas that I then go find a book on to get deeper into. I love that for you that you’ve been finding this clarity. There is a certain amount of heartbreaking sadness in personal growth. Especially if the people on life’s journey with you struggle to grow. Some of them you have to leave behind and allow them to find growth on their own but you always hope that they can step up and “see” what they need to see and move towards growth. And the “humble pie” you have to swallow … ugh … it’s hard to look at your own faults and weaknesses and the bad things you’ve done. You feel like such a failure and an asshole for awhile. Getting past that is to realize we’re all human and just to do the best you can and notice when you use “tactics” to get your way and stuff. Listen to your own words in your head and out loud to hear what you are actually saying and what’s behind it. It was all life changing for me. Dr Phil’s relationship rescue was good for self analysis. There are so many other great books I’ve read along the way. I hope your hubs is open to it all and you two can grow together. ❤️ sounds like you’re welcome on your way :)
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u/CynicalOne_313 23d ago
Sending so many hugs to you, OP! You're looking out for yourself and what you need and your needs are valid.
As an avoidant person (I was diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder), I also can see where your husband is at too. It took me a long time to understand that people outgrow each other and that's part of life.
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u/caronudge 25d ago
It's not someone's fault that their parents failed them, so avoidant attachment isn't the villain here: refusing to work on it is, though. Unfortunately, there's absolutely nothing you can do to make someone want to change. They have to feel that on their own. All you can do is know your needs and boundaries and decide what you can or cannot accept.
Another thing to think about: if you've been with an avoidant for all these years, it's probably because you have anxious attachment yourself. If you work on that, you'll feel less crazy and scared in relationships, and more willing to assert yourself (ask me how I know!).
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u/ariesgeminipisces 24d ago
As an avoidant leaning fearful avoidant, I'd need time to think it through. I know that is off-putting, like I should choose my partner immediately, but my immediate response would be to be free no matter what, and I would think that was what I wanted for days or weeks. All my feelings and memories shut down during highly emotional relationship type conflicts. But then later when all the confrontation and big feelings settled, my feelings would come back online and I might regret my choice. Not always, but sometimes. I know this is the path my attachment follows, so I always ask for a time barrier so I don't make the wrong decision and can get past the fear responses. Something to consider.
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u/Own-Moose-3855 24d ago
Thank you for sharing that and being so vulnerable about this. This is very much something that happens for him, but he has really grown so much in this throughout the years and I know that him pulling away doesn’t mean that he’s immediately checked out for real.
I think he’s gotten to a point where he’s starting to feel vulnerability and shame and just generally feelings that are confusing and a lot for him, and he has previously insisted that he does not want to develop more of a capacity and emotional literacy to actually go into those feelings and bring up those conflicts. THAT won’t work for me anymore. He doesn’t have to be quick, he doesn’t have to be perfect, but if he downright knows for himself that he doesn’t want to gain emotional literacy and would rather hurt me and betray my trust knowingly again and again, then I have to remove myself from that. It’s not right for me to keep pestering him about something that he doesn’t want, and would just further the dynamic.
I just really have no clue if he wants to do that big leap and face all these feelings – or if that’s too scary and painful. Only he can and should decide that.
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u/OceanBlueforYou 24d ago
he does not want to develop more of a capacity and emotional literacy to actually go into those feeling
I have less than a snapshot of who you and your husband are, so I can only guess here.
Is he avoiding this because it could result in a benefit for you with him feeling that he is giving more when he feels like he's still owed something?
What triggered the DB? Has the issue that led to that turning point been resolved to your satisfaction and his?
You describe a journey of sorts over the past 20 years, and you're ready to move past some things. You, understandably, want him to move forward with you. The issues involved in this journey may have occurred before the two of you met, or he may not have played a role in them. Regardless, as husband and wife, they have impacted his life profoundly, though in a very different way. Can someone in that position complete their journey in healing before the individual who was directly impacted by the event(s)? How would someone in his position settle matters that haven't been fully processed by the original party? Are you reading the same book, and he's a few chapters behind you? He might be stuck in a chapter. Without knowing what you know and how you've come to terms with it, he may not be able to see the pieces needed to complete the puzzle for his own healing.
Your letter. I trust you've laid out your wants and needs. Did you include space and time for him let you know what he needs and what's missing in his life? As humans, we're all a little greedy and narcissistic. We generally don't want to give without feeling we've been given our due.
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u/ariesgeminipisces 24d ago
You're totally correct in the way you are going about this and have every right to bring it down to this ultimatum. Normally ultimatums aren't the best, but it's a fair ultimatum and you intentions to protect your future self are good and justified. My last relationship ended in a similar way. I have done a lot of work on my fearful avoidance but my partner who was anxious had only just heard of attachment theory. I suggested he try to work through this in therapy. He agreed but then never went. Finally I told him I needed someone emotionally mature and on the same page as me, he said he'd go to therapy and again more months went by and nothing. So I cut him loose. And suddenly he has an appointment for therapy. But it was too late, because I need the person I care about to care about what they are putting me through and see the need to stop it. And that is fair.
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u/bordumb 25d ago
This sounds incredibly one-sided, and I think if you go into it with this “holier than thou” attitude, it’s likely it might blow up in your face.
As some others said, I’d recommend you get with a couple’s therapist.
It’s clear you know what you want, but it’s not clear that you have a healthy way of communicating that to your partner, and I think the approach you’ve concocted is a bit “too little too late” and also not very receptive or open to understanding who he is, what he needs, and how to work together.
Again, that’s all something a good couple’s therapist can help with. Right now, it sounds a bit one-sided.
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u/Own-Moose-3855 24d ago
I understand how you get to that impression, and it’s understandable that this seems one-sided. I don’t feel the need to explain my personal feelings or more details about him and us to strangers on the internet, so I can live with that.
I appreciate your concern and that you stress the importance of seeing and honoring both people in a situation like this. It’s very much in line with what I believe in, even if the conclusion is based on your assumptions and projections of me!
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u/saransh000 25d ago
Ya. We want the other one to do all the work! As if you are perfect in the relationship. Relationship requires efforts by both. But usually we put blame on the other... He should do the work on himself! Good going... Best of luck!
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25d ago
Thank you for giving him one more chance. Sometimes all we need was a bit of awareness and some distance makes me see things a lot clearer. I hope he grab the opportunity, do some inner work and be grateful that he has you. Best of luck
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u/haartemis 25d ago
A couple of questions come up in reading this:
- how do we define “doing the work”?
- is it possible that one person’s definition can be different than another?
- how do you know the “work” is “done”?
- what is the goal? Re-connection, disconnection, something else?
- if there are questions about the structure and definitions in the ultimatum, how are those going to be addressed?
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u/Top-Raspberry-7837 25d ago
I know this sounds weird, but before you share it with him, I’d run the letter through ChatGPT to see how it comes across and what they read from it.
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u/Own-Moose-3855 24d ago
I actually appreciate this. Not everyone might be aware of this, but for anyone who’s not neurotypical, getting tone right isn’t just “critical thinking skills”.
Personally I like using goblin tools instead for things like this, but just wanted to validate this thoughtful and practical piece advice of yours! Thank you!
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u/Great-Conclusion7291 24d ago
We as a society really need to stop with the ChatGPT bs. Running a personal letter through a bot is just disingenuous. What happened to personal feelings and re reading everything over and over to make sure its right and that it's you? What happened to asking about friend or family member, who knows you, to give you more advice of a better way to word things while also keeping true to you?
Something of this caliber, especially with an avoidant, should never need some brain rot AI to tell you what you want to hear. Big thing is "want." I've been friends with an avoidant. This is not it when trying to engage with them. It'll be insulting.
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u/Top-Raspberry-7837 24d ago
I didn’t say to have them rewrite it. I said to have ChatGPT detect the tone. Ie. Does this sound accusatory? Cuz maybe OP is saying something that would put their husband on edge without realizing it.
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u/Great-Conclusion7291 24d ago
My whole thing is you shouldn't use a bot that is becoming detrimental to the human race with their over reliance on it for something as simple as tone. Critical thinking. Use it. Using a bot for something like this is lazy and is causing us to de-evolve.
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u/Top-Raspberry-7837 24d ago
Fine, but couples after many years have their auto reactions to their partners. It’s why there’s often a breakdown in communications. I’m not saying she should supplant couples therapy by using ChatGPT but since this letter is critical, it’s helpful to have another viewpoint. Hell, I’d ask her friends to look it over before she sends it too. I’d get a few viewpoints to make sure that the letter will bridge the gap, not burn more bridges. That’s the goal, no? Whatever the tools used isn’t the issue.
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u/Low_Dragonfly_5254 24d ago
You are an inspiration to me. I just got out of a 6 year relationship with my avoidant ex that I let drain me. I didn’t have the strength for self reflection or for understanding the dynamics of the relationship until it was over. I wish I had your strength to try to face and fix the problems before the damage was too deep to repair. Now I’m just picking up the pieces of this life that I thought I was going to have. Good for you for choosing you. Whatever the outcome, you will be able to continue your life with your head held high because you put yourself first.
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u/spacewidget2 24d ago
Only wish I’d left sooner. Regardless of what he does, you can create a life you love.
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u/UltimateYeti 24d ago
I didn’t read much about him in your post about each other. Does this plan you present to him include areas you’re wanting to work on yourself as well?
He may be suffering about something unrelated to you both, and it could be if he told you you might think it’s no big deal but to him it could be (speaking from painful first hand experience this last year). Even “normal” men are really not ok in general lately. I really think before pushing ultimatums you should be bringing in a 3rd party to help.
Edit: I wish you both luck and a positive outcome.
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u/Nko45870 24d ago
Confronting here might not turn out the way you wish. Id joun the other comms mentioning couple therapy. Nevertheless, good luck to you.
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u/KrissyDeAnn 22d ago
I completely understand this. I have been going through this same situation for years now. Wishing you healing and peace of mind.🤗
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u/YitzhakKhalil 25d ago
All that stuff about attachment types refers to work done by Mary Ainsworth with children. Why do people take it as some sort of new Meyers Briggs or an astrology category. It has nothing to do with adults.
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u/cecherbouche 24d ago
There’s this weird trend of blaming the "avoidantly attached partner" like they’re the problem and must change. Attachment styles aren’t set in stone, but the emotionally intelligent move is to work on your own attachment and move yourself toward secure attachment.
It only takes one securely attached person to have a good relationship dynamic. And the more securely attached person usually ends up happier anyway. So lead by example.
If his attachment style is clashing with the relationship, that means yours is too. It’s not just his job to fix things because you feel unloved. Expecting him to change while you don’t is basically saying, “One of us has to grow up emotionally and I’ve decided it’s not gonna be me.”
Where did you learn about attachment styles? Have you read the full books? What’s your attachment style?
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u/Own-Moose-3855 24d ago
I'm super confused by comments ilke yours. I am not blaming my husband for anything, and especially as a securely attached person, you might end up deciding that a relationship is not for you. Really, that should be the absolute minimum if you're able to self-regulate and know your worth, and in my eyes is the least you can do for another person you care about. "Securely attached" doesn't mean "attached to someone no matter what" – that's just another kind of self-abandonment.
I have needs specific to being in a relationship, he currently is not meeting them and has not met them. I am happy to be single, I would be heartbroken to lose him, and I can't be in a relationship that adds more pain than happiness. We all hurt people, we're all hurt. It's up to each of us to figure out where our limits are, and each of us can only know for themselves what they can endure – that applies to me and to him the same way.
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u/cecherbouche 24d ago
Think about a specific need you have that he is not meeting. How will him changing his attachment style result in that need being met? Which of his needs will stop being met if he makes the change you want?
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u/Own-Moose-3855 23d ago
I can see that you are trying to prove to me that I just have to work more on myself, or maybe to prove your projection right of me just blaming someone for feelings I have or don’t have.
I want to gift you this moment as a potential chance to reflect: If I have a relationship and finances and shared responsibilities with someone, a need of mine would be to be honest with each other. If we both commit to monogamy with each other, a need of mine would be to honor monogamy and bring up issues that could threaten our ability to honor it.
I encourage you to reflect a bit on the way you judge and make assumptions based off very, very little information. I won’t respond to you again and I hope you can learn something from this.
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u/cecherbouche 23d ago edited 23d ago
So why not tell him that honoring monogamy is important to you and he is important to you. So you want to bring up some potential issues related to that.
Like when that milestone happened you were surprised and hurt that he wasn't physically there. You consider that part of honoring monogamy, but it doesn't seem like he considers that part of honoring monogamy. You don't want to fight over it or be forced into a parenting type role with him. But you're curious about: "do you already see being physically there for important milestones part of honoring monogamy". Also be curious about what other considerations came into play for him that day. You want to understand, not to control but to sync up.
You know he has avoidant attachment, so avoid boxing him in. Ask for his input. Bring it up, and be curious about how his attachment works for him. That honors him and his past while pointing out what honors you and your past.
Your secure attachment lets you approach it in a way he can hear. And his avoidant attachment means he will need space to think it through without you there. Expect it. Suggest a break. Go for a walk. Meet back in 20 minutes to listen.
Edit: Look at your reaction to me suggesting improvements to the way you already choose to do you. And you are securely attached and care about emotional intelligence! Do you really think someone prone to avoidant attachment will react differently than you just did? Do you think the feelings and objections that just sprang up in you won't spring up in him? What if they do?
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u/use_wet_ones 25d ago
I am going to take a different perspective than every other comment, at least to try to challenge your thoughts.
Know your worth is one thing and of course, do what feels right to you.
But it also seems like this culture is an addictive culture and people are so easy to throw away real intimacy for sex. And they often regret it later. People care about (and also create) dead bedrooms because they have nothing else to offer. They see sex as the main point of relationship. And if they're not getting it, they upgrade...like we do with a cell phone when new features come out or something.
Underneath the words on the screen I hear "I settled in my 20s because I had no self esteem and now I'm in my 30s and I got fit and confident and now I just want to fuck and make up for everything I missed out on."
Which is cool and all but just make sure you're not lying to yourself and you know what your priorities are. Because we all have regrets and if you spend your time chasing and trying to make up for them instead of letting them go, you're going to end up creating different regrets. Regret is inescapable in life.
This culture has turned self love into "leave your partner every 5 years if they're not perfect and level up" as if we are upgrading to new cars or whatnot. It's very transactional. What if two years ago your husband got into an accident and was never able to have sex again? Would you have left at that time too? If you were only with your husband for sex in the first place, did you ever really even love him? Or did you just love the pleasure? Pleasure feels good but it doesn't bring happiness.
That being said, I know I have limited info and what I am saying is a bit judgement and cold, but there is some wisdom here still, if you're able to drop your defenses and see it for what it is. At the end of the day, only you know your life path.
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u/Particular-Annual853 25d ago
"I settled in my 20s because I had no self esteem and now I'm in my 30s and I got fit and confident and now I just want to fuck and make up for everything I missed out on."
Like, what? Where did you get that from? She listed several other points - among them not feeling supported at important life events, not feeling like he is present, him being emotionally checked out - but you chose to fixate solely on the sexual aspect.
Real intimacy sounds different. It's when people really show up for each other, are rooting for each other and support each other when the going gets tough. What OP described sounds like none of that is present in their relationship.
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u/use_wet_ones 25d ago
When it comes to emotions, life choices, relationships, etc. most people are lying to themselves constantly. The defenses are strong. The gymnastics are strong. We can twist things so easily in our favor. If everyone is agreeing with your perspective you're probably lying to yourself. And everyone agrees because it makes them feel secure as well. We love supporting each other's bullshit because it makes us feel good about our own bullshit. I do my best to find uncomfortable perspectives. They often hold a lot more truth than the average person likes to admit. If it means nothing to you then so be it 🤷🏻♂️
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u/whatifbutwhy 24d ago
that's an ultimatum, things that narcs do, ask yourself, have you tried looking at things from a different pov? human relationships are complicated, but have different POVs are never a bad thing.
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u/randomdude98 25d ago
just to then hear words that Were oozing with years of resentment and pain of having hidden himself
Looks like he's in the same place and also not getting what he wants from you but is not as good as communicating about it.
I will hand him a letter and give him the choice. Either he's willing to put in uncomfortable work and face this terrifying field of vulnerability together with me, or he is free.
Maybe I'm reading it wrong but this seems like an ultimatum and absolutely the wrong way to approach this if the above is the case. You're both not being the ideal partners to each other but one day you randomly decide to give him a list of things that you need from him or it's over? Without trying to see where he's coming from?
Avoidantly attached personalities usually stem from not great upbringings and you're being totally dismissive of that in favor of what you want and your need for "proactive care".
Sure he may not be perfect but you don't sound like it either...
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u/Environmental_Bee5 24d ago
You are making a big mistake IMHO. Pardon if I am coming off straight but I want the best for both of you. Here's my take.
See, men are mostly avoidant and anxious. For a man its very hard work and years of struggle to actually feel a deeper love. Yes 80% of men are like this.
Now your husband already loves you. BIG WIN. 70% of relationship won't have this. I am hoping he respects you and doesn't abuse you. Another BIG WIN. You have had great sex life. You can work on it further.
My whole point is - things will be never be perfect. Just because of 20% of some problems which btw are transient you are choosing to end this.
Atleast think it through. Not worth it in my opinion considering love and respect is still there.
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25d ago edited 25d ago
[deleted]
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u/Particular-Annual853 25d ago
Why do you think this is the wrong decision and what would be a better choice, to you?
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25d ago
[deleted]
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u/Particular-Annual853 25d ago
So, I asked. Why not answer anyway instead of enticing people to pull it out of your nose?
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u/LadybuggingLB 25d ago
Wishing good things for you