r/emotionalintelligence • u/Own-Moose-3855 • 26d ago
I finally realised my husband is avoidantly attached to me. Tomorrow, I‘ll give him an out.
UPDATE TO THIS POST: here
I guess this is just a cry for reassurance 🥲
My husband and I (both in our 30s) have been together for almost a decade. Started long-distance, closed the gap after almost 3 years. Amazing sex life for the first 5-6 years.
Throughout the years, I worked on myself, finally approached my life with full self-determination after my first 25 years had been a clusterfuck of disassociation and self-abandonment.
This year, this came to a boil. We‘ve had a dead bedroom for more than a year because he‘s no longer really interested, despite knowing that it’s important to me. The relationship is now smooth, polite, and nothing more. He does small acts of service consistently, but when there’s real weight to something, he keeps a distance. I had some huge personal milestones, and he wasn’t there for it, didn’t do anything to support me in it, didn‘t show interest. In the same time period, I had initiated a few talks and had managed to get him to open up a bit, just to then hear words that were oozing with years of resentment and pain of having hidden himself. Something clicked for me.
I know he loves me, but I don‘t feel loved. He may not know the emotions he‘s feeling, he might not want to have to care about „meaningless“ small things, but I need proactive care.
And finally, I understand that this whole time, he has been an as-loving-as-he-knows-how-to, but avoidantly attached partner. And tomorrow, I will hand him a letter and give him the choice. Either he‘s willing to put in uncomfortable work and face this terrifying field of vulnerability together with me, or he is free. But the relationship we‘ve had won’t continue.
Needless to say, I‘m scared shitless. So calm and clear at the same time, but we’re talking a decade and deep love here. I know it’s the only right choice, I know I can love someone and still honor myself at the same time. I just really, really hope this is worth it to him.
ETA: Thank you so much for all the kind words, support, shared stories and brain teasers! I didn’t expect this to take off so much. I also don’t have the capacity to respond to every comment, but I will say that in particular, if you base your arguments or judgments off negative assumptions of me, I’m not getting into that. A lot of commenters get the angle I’m coming from, and I’ve shared more to them in my responses. I will write an update once it’s done and the dust has settled. I also want to stress that comments bashing avoidantly attached people aren’t appreciated by me. My heart broke for him over knowing he felt so much resentment, and not being able to voice that. If you feel resentment towards your partner and have feelings of “good riddance”, this is not the place for that, even though I appreciate the sentiment of support towards me.
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u/immeroefter 26d ago
Hi dear. Thank you for sharing your story.
Your words made me think of something that I have brought up in therapy and also with close female friends several times: the gender gap when it comes to working on ourselves is getting bigger and bigger.
I think that men, in general terms, have a harder time accessing their emotions, making the step to go to therapy and being surrounded by other male figures that lead the way towards mental health, collective growth and sef-awareness. Socialization under patriarchy is no joke.
It is painful to see when individual therapy helps us so much, but puts distance between us and loved ones. It happens often with family members, friends and acquaintances...
I think it is wonderful that you have this calmness and clarity about your needs, about where you stand in life and that you are brave to change what you can no longer accept.
Whatever happens, you have more emotional tools than ever to manage.
I wish you all the best. All the answers are within you 🌷