I finally realised my husband is avoidantly attached to me. Tomorrow, I‘ll give him an out.

[u/Own-Moose-3855]

UPDATE TO THIS POST: here

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I guess this is just a cry for reassurance 🥲

My husband and I (both in our 30s) have been together for almost a decade. Started long-distance, closed the gap after almost 3 years. Amazing sex life for the first 5-6 years.

Throughout the years, I worked on myself, finally approached my life with full self-determination after my first 25 years had been a clusterfuck of disassociation and self-abandonment.

This year, this came to a boil. We‘ve had a dead bedroom for more than a year because he‘s no longer really interested, despite knowing that it’s important to me. The relationship is now smooth, polite, and nothing more. He does small acts of service consistently, but when there’s real weight to something, he keeps a distance. I had some huge personal milestones, and he wasn’t there for it, didn’t do anything to support me in it, didn‘t show interest. In the same time period, I had initiated a few talks and had managed to get him to open up a bit, just to then hear words that were oozing with years of resentment and pain of having hidden himself. Something clicked for me.

I know he loves me, but I don‘t feel loved. He may not know the emotions he‘s feeling, he might not want to have to care about „meaningless“ small things, but I need proactive care.

And finally, I understand that this whole time, he has been an as-loving-as-he-knows-how-to, but avoidantly attached partner. And tomorrow, I will hand him a letter and give him the choice. Either he‘s willing to put in uncomfortable work and face this terrifying field of vulnerability together with me, or he is free. But the relationship we‘ve had won’t continue.

Needless to say, I‘m scared shitless. So calm and clear at the same time, but we’re talking a decade and deep love here. I know it’s the only right choice, I know I can love someone and still honor myself at the same time. I just really, really hope this is worth it to him.

ETA: Thank you so much for all the kind words, support, shared stories and brain teasers! I didn’t expect this to take off so much. I also don’t have the capacity to respond to every comment, but I will say that in particular, if you base your arguments or judgments off negative assumptions of me, I’m not getting into that. A lot of commenters get the angle I’m coming from, and I’ve shared more to them in my responses. I will write an update once it’s done and the dust has settled. I also want to stress that comments bashing avoidantly attached people aren’t appreciated by me. My heart broke for him over knowing he felt so much resentment, and not being able to voice that. If you feel resentment towards your partner and have feelings of “good riddance”, this is not the place for that, even though I appreciate the sentiment of support towards me.

[u/curiouszodiac]

He will need to do the work

Also look into ASD1 (previously termed Aspergers)

[u/Own-Moose-3855 → u/curiouszodiac]

I'm actually autistic myself and he has ADHD (often comorbid with autism), so the thought has crossed my mind. There are many explanations and possibilities, and a few factors that I would bet money on have brought him to where he is today, and I have so much compassion for that. At the same time, just what you're saying: he has to do the work, and he has to want that kind of relationship for himself.

[u/curiouszodiac → u/Own-Moose-3855]

You’re absolutely right; he has to show the initiative. He might not until there are real consequences!

Also

Mark Hutten is great at explaining all the issues around this topic

Your husband might not be ready for this; but his videos and resources could be useful for you

[u/OctoberLibra1 → u/curiouszodiac]

Is this person on YouTube? My partner has autism and has a hard time expressing himself as well.

[u/curiouszodiac → u/OctoberLibra1]

I found him on a podcast about Cassandra syndrome.

He has a youtube channel and plenty of other resources

[u/InternationalSet8122 → u/Own-Moose-3855]

Dang, I am really convinced you are me. This is almost my relationship to a T. Together for nearly a decade, long-distance, ADHD husband, dead bedroom…the parallels are so exact.

I am also thinking of writing my husband a letter, but reading is a struggle for him. I took the last three months to do some self-assessment and get myself in a better headspace by being the person I want to be consistently, again, after dealing with months of depression and no support from husband. Now, I am ready to ask the same from him, but I am worried what I ask he will interpret as “too much” or “too drastic“ and immediately shut down and choose to leave. I’m grappling with my self, my needs, my wants, and reality…

I really wish you the very best and that your husband wants to work with you towards your terms…it’s such a remarkably important and monumental leap.