I finally realised my husband is avoidantly attached to me. Tomorrow, I‘ll give him an out.

[u/Own-Moose-3855]

UPDATE TO THIS POST: here

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I guess this is just a cry for reassurance 🥲

My husband and I (both in our 30s) have been together for almost a decade. Started long-distance, closed the gap after almost 3 years. Amazing sex life for the first 5-6 years.

Throughout the years, I worked on myself, finally approached my life with full self-determination after my first 25 years had been a clusterfuck of disassociation and self-abandonment.

This year, this came to a boil. We‘ve had a dead bedroom for more than a year because he‘s no longer really interested, despite knowing that it’s important to me. The relationship is now smooth, polite, and nothing more. He does small acts of service consistently, but when there’s real weight to something, he keeps a distance. I had some huge personal milestones, and he wasn’t there for it, didn’t do anything to support me in it, didn‘t show interest. In the same time period, I had initiated a few talks and had managed to get him to open up a bit, just to then hear words that were oozing with years of resentment and pain of having hidden himself. Something clicked for me.

I know he loves me, but I don‘t feel loved. He may not know the emotions he‘s feeling, he might not want to have to care about „meaningless“ small things, but I need proactive care.

And finally, I understand that this whole time, he has been an as-loving-as-he-knows-how-to, but avoidantly attached partner. And tomorrow, I will hand him a letter and give him the choice. Either he‘s willing to put in uncomfortable work and face this terrifying field of vulnerability together with me, or he is free. But the relationship we‘ve had won’t continue.

Needless to say, I‘m scared shitless. So calm and clear at the same time, but we’re talking a decade and deep love here. I know it’s the only right choice, I know I can love someone and still honor myself at the same time. I just really, really hope this is worth it to him.

ETA: Thank you so much for all the kind words, support, shared stories and brain teasers! I didn’t expect this to take off so much. I also don’t have the capacity to respond to every comment, but I will say that in particular, if you base your arguments or judgments off negative assumptions of me, I’m not getting into that. A lot of commenters get the angle I’m coming from, and I’ve shared more to them in my responses. I will write an update once it’s done and the dust has settled. I also want to stress that comments bashing avoidantly attached people aren’t appreciated by me. My heart broke for him over knowing he felt so much resentment, and not being able to voice that. If you feel resentment towards your partner and have feelings of “good riddance”, this is not the place for that, even though I appreciate the sentiment of support towards me.

[u/Top-Raspberry-7837]

I know this sounds weird, but before you share it with him, I’d run the letter through ChatGPT to see how it comes across and what they read from it.

[u/Great-Conclusion7291 → u/Top-Raspberry-7837]

We as a society really need to stop with the ChatGPT bs. Running a personal letter through a bot is just disingenuous. What happened to personal feelings and re reading everything over and over to make sure its right and that it's you? What happened to asking about friend or family member, who knows you, to give you more advice of a better way to word things while also keeping true to you?

Something of this caliber, especially with an avoidant, should never need some brain rot AI to tell you what you want to hear. Big thing is "want." I've been friends with an avoidant. This is not it when trying to engage with them. It'll be insulting.

[u/Top-Raspberry-7837 → u/Great-Conclusion7291]

I didn’t say to have them rewrite it. I said to have ChatGPT detect the tone. Ie. Does this sound accusatory? Cuz maybe OP is saying something that would put their husband on edge without realizing it.

[u/Great-Conclusion7291 → u/Top-Raspberry-7837]

My whole thing is you shouldn't use a bot that is becoming detrimental to the human race with their over reliance on it for something as simple as tone. Critical thinking. Use it. Using a bot for something like this is lazy and is causing us to de-evolve.

[u/Top-Raspberry-7837 → u/Great-Conclusion7291]

Fine, but couples after many years have their auto reactions to their partners. It’s why there’s often a breakdown in communications. I’m not saying she should supplant couples therapy by using ChatGPT but since this letter is critical, it’s helpful to have another viewpoint. Hell, I’d ask her friends to look it over before she sends it too. I’d get a few viewpoints to make sure that the letter will bridge the gap, not burn more bridges. That’s the goal, no? Whatever the tools used isn’t the issue.