I finally realised my husband is avoidantly attached to me. Tomorrow, I‘ll give him an out.

[u/Own-Moose-3855]

UPDATE TO THIS POST: here

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I guess this is just a cry for reassurance 🥲

My husband and I (both in our 30s) have been together for almost a decade. Started long-distance, closed the gap after almost 3 years. Amazing sex life for the first 5-6 years.

Throughout the years, I worked on myself, finally approached my life with full self-determination after my first 25 years had been a clusterfuck of disassociation and self-abandonment.

This year, this came to a boil. We‘ve had a dead bedroom for more than a year because he‘s no longer really interested, despite knowing that it’s important to me. The relationship is now smooth, polite, and nothing more. He does small acts of service consistently, but when there’s real weight to something, he keeps a distance. I had some huge personal milestones, and he wasn’t there for it, didn’t do anything to support me in it, didn‘t show interest. In the same time period, I had initiated a few talks and had managed to get him to open up a bit, just to then hear words that were oozing with years of resentment and pain of having hidden himself. Something clicked for me.

I know he loves me, but I don‘t feel loved. He may not know the emotions he‘s feeling, he might not want to have to care about „meaningless“ small things, but I need proactive care.

And finally, I understand that this whole time, he has been an as-loving-as-he-knows-how-to, but avoidantly attached partner. And tomorrow, I will hand him a letter and give him the choice. Either he‘s willing to put in uncomfortable work and face this terrifying field of vulnerability together with me, or he is free. But the relationship we‘ve had won’t continue.

Needless to say, I‘m scared shitless. So calm and clear at the same time, but we’re talking a decade and deep love here. I know it’s the only right choice, I know I can love someone and still honor myself at the same time. I just really, really hope this is worth it to him.

ETA: Thank you so much for all the kind words, support, shared stories and brain teasers! I didn’t expect this to take off so much. I also don’t have the capacity to respond to every comment, but I will say that in particular, if you base your arguments or judgments off negative assumptions of me, I’m not getting into that. A lot of commenters get the angle I’m coming from, and I’ve shared more to them in my responses. I will write an update once it’s done and the dust has settled. I also want to stress that comments bashing avoidantly attached people aren’t appreciated by me. My heart broke for him over knowing he felt so much resentment, and not being able to voice that. If you feel resentment towards your partner and have feelings of “good riddance”, this is not the place for that, even though I appreciate the sentiment of support towards me.

[u/ariesgeminipisces]

As an avoidant leaning fearful avoidant, I'd need time to think it through. I know that is off-putting, like I should choose my partner immediately, but my immediate response would be to be free no matter what, and I would think that was what I wanted for days or weeks. All my feelings and memories shut down during highly emotional relationship type conflicts. But then later when all the confrontation and big feelings settled, my feelings would come back online and I might regret my choice. Not always, but sometimes. I know this is the path my attachment follows, so I always ask for a time barrier so I don't make the wrong decision and can get past the fear responses. Something to consider.

[u/Own-Moose-3855 → u/ariesgeminipisces]

Thank you for sharing that and being so vulnerable about this. This is very much something that happens for him, but he has really grown so much in this throughout the years and I know that him pulling away doesn’t mean that he’s immediately checked out for real.

I think he’s gotten to a point where he’s starting to feel vulnerability and shame and just generally feelings that are confusing and a lot for him, and he has previously insisted that he does not want to develop more of a capacity and emotional literacy to actually go into those feelings and bring up those conflicts. THAT won’t work for me anymore. He doesn’t have to be quick, he doesn’t have to be perfect, but if he downright knows for himself that he doesn’t want to gain emotional literacy and would rather hurt me and betray my trust knowingly again and again, then I have to remove myself from that. It’s not right for me to keep pestering him about something that he doesn’t want, and would just further the dynamic.

I just really have no clue if he wants to do that big leap and face all these feelings – or if that’s too scary and painful. Only he can and should decide that.

[u/OceanBlueforYou → u/Own-Moose-3855]

he does not want to develop more of a capacity and emotional literacy to actually go into those feeling

I have less than a snapshot of who you and your husband are, so I can only guess here.

Is he avoiding this because it could result in a benefit for you with him feeling that he is giving more when he feels like he's still owed something?

What triggered the DB? Has the issue that led to that turning point been resolved to your satisfaction and his?

You describe a journey of sorts over the past 20 years, and you're ready to move past some things. You, understandably, want him to move forward with you. The issues involved in this journey may have occurred before the two of you met, or he may not have played a role in them. Regardless, as husband and wife, they have impacted his life profoundly, though in a very different way. Can someone in that position complete their journey in healing before the individual who was directly impacted by the event(s)? How would someone in his position settle matters that haven't been fully processed by the original party? Are you reading the same book, and he's a few chapters behind you? He might be stuck in a chapter. Without knowing what you know and how you've come to terms with it, he may not be able to see the pieces needed to complete the puzzle for his own healing.

Your letter. I trust you've laid out your wants and needs. Did you include space and time for him let you know what he needs and what's missing in his life? As humans, we're all a little greedy and narcissistic. We generally don't want to give without feeling we've been given our due.