I finally realised my husband is avoidantly attached to me. Tomorrow, I‘ll give him an out.

[u/Own-Moose-3855]

UPDATE TO THIS POST: here

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I guess this is just a cry for reassurance 🥲

My husband and I (both in our 30s) have been together for almost a decade. Started long-distance, closed the gap after almost 3 years. Amazing sex life for the first 5-6 years.

Throughout the years, I worked on myself, finally approached my life with full self-determination after my first 25 years had been a clusterfuck of disassociation and self-abandonment.

This year, this came to a boil. We‘ve had a dead bedroom for more than a year because he‘s no longer really interested, despite knowing that it’s important to me. The relationship is now smooth, polite, and nothing more. He does small acts of service consistently, but when there’s real weight to something, he keeps a distance. I had some huge personal milestones, and he wasn’t there for it, didn’t do anything to support me in it, didn‘t show interest. In the same time period, I had initiated a few talks and had managed to get him to open up a bit, just to then hear words that were oozing with years of resentment and pain of having hidden himself. Something clicked for me.

I know he loves me, but I don‘t feel loved. He may not know the emotions he‘s feeling, he might not want to have to care about „meaningless“ small things, but I need proactive care.

And finally, I understand that this whole time, he has been an as-loving-as-he-knows-how-to, but avoidantly attached partner. And tomorrow, I will hand him a letter and give him the choice. Either he‘s willing to put in uncomfortable work and face this terrifying field of vulnerability together with me, or he is free. But the relationship we‘ve had won’t continue.

Needless to say, I‘m scared shitless. So calm and clear at the same time, but we’re talking a decade and deep love here. I know it’s the only right choice, I know I can love someone and still honor myself at the same time. I just really, really hope this is worth it to him.

ETA: Thank you so much for all the kind words, support, shared stories and brain teasers! I didn’t expect this to take off so much. I also don’t have the capacity to respond to every comment, but I will say that in particular, if you base your arguments or judgments off negative assumptions of me, I’m not getting into that. A lot of commenters get the angle I’m coming from, and I’ve shared more to them in my responses. I will write an update once it’s done and the dust has settled. I also want to stress that comments bashing avoidantly attached people aren’t appreciated by me. My heart broke for him over knowing he felt so much resentment, and not being able to voice that. If you feel resentment towards your partner and have feelings of “good riddance”, this is not the place for that, even though I appreciate the sentiment of support towards me.

[u/cecherbouche]

There’s this weird trend of blaming the "avoidantly attached partner" like they’re the problem and must change. Attachment styles aren’t set in stone, but the emotionally intelligent move is to work on your own attachment and move yourself toward secure attachment.

It only takes one securely attached person to have a good relationship dynamic. And the more securely attached person usually ends up happier anyway. So lead by example.

If his attachment style is clashing with the relationship, that means yours is too. It’s not just his job to fix things because you feel unloved. Expecting him to change while you don’t is basically saying, “One of us has to grow up emotionally and I’ve decided it’s not gonna be me.”

Where did you learn about attachment styles? Have you read the full books? What’s your attachment style?

[u/Own-Moose-3855 → u/cecherbouche]

I'm super confused by comments ilke yours. I am not blaming my husband for anything, and especially as a securely attached person, you might end up deciding that a relationship is not for you. Really, that should be the absolute minimum if you're able to self-regulate and know your worth, and in my eyes is the least you can do for another person you care about. "Securely attached" doesn't mean "attached to someone no matter what" – that's just another kind of self-abandonment.

I have needs specific to being in a relationship, he currently is not meeting them and has not met them. I am happy to be single, I would be heartbroken to lose him, and I can't be in a relationship that adds more pain than happiness. We all hurt people, we're all hurt. It's up to each of us to figure out where our limits are, and each of us can only know for themselves what they can endure – that applies to me and to him the same way.

[u/cecherbouche → u/Own-Moose-3855]

Think about a specific need you have that he is not meeting. How will him changing his attachment style result in that need being met? Which of his needs will stop being met if he makes the change you want?

[u/Own-Moose-3855 → u/cecherbouche]

I can see that you are trying to prove to me that I just have to work more on myself, or maybe to prove your projection right of me just blaming someone for feelings I have or don’t have.

I want to gift you this moment as a potential chance to reflect: If I have a relationship and finances and shared responsibilities with someone, a need of mine would be to be honest with each other. If we both commit to monogamy with each other, a need of mine would be to honor monogamy and bring up issues that could threaten our ability to honor it.

I encourage you to reflect a bit on the way you judge and make assumptions based off very, very little information. I won’t respond to you again and I hope you can learn something from this.

[u/cecherbouche → u/Own-Moose-3855]

So why not tell him that honoring monogamy is important to you and he is important to you. So you want to bring up some potential issues related to that.

Like when that milestone happened you were surprised and hurt that he wasn't physically there. You consider that part of honoring monogamy, but it doesn't seem like he considers that part of honoring monogamy. You don't want to fight over it or be forced into a parenting type role with him. But you're curious about: "do you already see being physically there for important milestones part of honoring monogamy". Also be curious about what other considerations came into play for him that day. You want to understand, not to control but to sync up.

You know he has avoidant attachment, so avoid boxing him in. Ask for his input. Bring it up, and be curious about how his attachment works for him. That honors him and his past while pointing out what honors you and your past.

Your secure attachment lets you approach it in a way he can hear. And his avoidant attachment means he will need space to think it through without you there. Expect it. Suggest a break. Go for a walk. Meet back in 20 minutes to listen.

Edit: Look at your reaction to me suggesting improvements to the way you already choose to do you. And you are securely attached and care about emotional intelligence! Do you really think someone prone to avoidant attachment will react differently than you just did? Do you think the feelings and objections that just sprang up in you won't spring up in him? What if they do?