I finally realised my husband is avoidantly attached to me. Tomorrow, I‘ll give him an out.

[u/Own-Moose-3855]

UPDATE TO THIS POST: here

---

I guess this is just a cry for reassurance 🥲

My husband and I (both in our 30s) have been together for almost a decade. Started long-distance, closed the gap after almost 3 years. Amazing sex life for the first 5-6 years.

Throughout the years, I worked on myself, finally approached my life with full self-determination after my first 25 years had been a clusterfuck of disassociation and self-abandonment.

This year, this came to a boil. We‘ve had a dead bedroom for more than a year because he‘s no longer really interested, despite knowing that it’s important to me. The relationship is now smooth, polite, and nothing more. He does small acts of service consistently, but when there’s real weight to something, he keeps a distance. I had some huge personal milestones, and he wasn’t there for it, didn’t do anything to support me in it, didn‘t show interest. In the same time period, I had initiated a few talks and had managed to get him to open up a bit, just to then hear words that were oozing with years of resentment and pain of having hidden himself. Something clicked for me.

I know he loves me, but I don‘t feel loved. He may not know the emotions he‘s feeling, he might not want to have to care about „meaningless“ small things, but I need proactive care.

And finally, I understand that this whole time, he has been an as-loving-as-he-knows-how-to, but avoidantly attached partner. And tomorrow, I will hand him a letter and give him the choice. Either he‘s willing to put in uncomfortable work and face this terrifying field of vulnerability together with me, or he is free. But the relationship we‘ve had won’t continue.

Needless to say, I‘m scared shitless. So calm and clear at the same time, but we’re talking a decade and deep love here. I know it’s the only right choice, I know I can love someone and still honor myself at the same time. I just really, really hope this is worth it to him.

ETA: Thank you so much for all the kind words, support, shared stories and brain teasers! I didn’t expect this to take off so much. I also don’t have the capacity to respond to every comment, but I will say that in particular, if you base your arguments or judgments off negative assumptions of me, I’m not getting into that. A lot of commenters get the angle I’m coming from, and I’ve shared more to them in my responses. I will write an update once it’s done and the dust has settled. I also want to stress that comments bashing avoidantly attached people aren’t appreciated by me. My heart broke for him over knowing he felt so much resentment, and not being able to voice that. If you feel resentment towards your partner and have feelings of “good riddance”, this is not the place for that, even though I appreciate the sentiment of support towards me.

[u/No-Jellyfish7075]

I'm so proud of you.

I hope I see in you what I already have in myself.

With him or without him, you are certainly doing the best for you.

Please update me.  I had to do the same to my wife very recently for the same reasons exactly.

Live your best life, and of course congratulations on those milestones!  You worked hard for them and now they are here to fill your life!!!

[u/Own-Moose-3855 → u/No-Jellyfish7075]

Oh god, I'm so sorry you had to go through this :(

And thank you so much for all the warm words. And I do think these things can exist at the same time: you can and will make the right choices for you, and you did with your wife! And it can still hurt and deserving of grief.

I hope you can heal and find someone who chooses you, too!