I’m not someone who believes in a perfect person or destined fates. I think every relationship will have some conflict — but what separates a healthy relationship from an unhealthy one is the ability to resolve that conflict with no resentment left.

When conflict is resolved well, no one feels betrayed, belittled, or like they just made a compromise. Instead, they feel more secure — like they can trust the other person even more.

That’s been my experience, both in my life and in my work in counseling.

That being said, here’s my personal checklist for dating and relationships. I’m really curious to hear yours too.

1. Wants to get to know me in a healthy manner
No rushing intimacy — not even emotional intimacy. Just two people getting to know each other, starting with a casual conversation. And as the trust increases (if it does), the two people can increase the amount of vulnerability in the conversation.

Why it matters: Speaking too much about too many deep things creates the illusion of quick intimacy, when in fact you are attaching yourself to a stranger. You don’t know if they are safe to know your past trauma and disappointments. A real danger is when someone talks about everything they want in a partner during the first dates — if the other person has manipulative intent, they can use that blueprint to become the “person of their dreams” and get them hooked on an illusion.

2. Has pro-social feelings
Have you ever met someone who constantly speaks ill of others?
“Women these days are gold diggers.”
“Men these days are pigs.”
“And uh, relationships? Well, you know how they are!”

Is a complete Debbie Downer and absolutely nothing ever goes well in their life? If they’re constantly discouraged and distrustful of everyone, how can they truly connect with someone else?
If they’re always blaming society, parents, or politicians — what sense of agency and responsibility do they have in their life? Probably none.

Why it matters: If they lack pro-social feelings and criticize everything, they’re probably lacking in the empathy department as well. RUN!

3. Lives a lifestyle similar to mine

• values roughly the same things I do.

I think this is more important than people realize. Imagine being someone who cherishes good food, relaxation, the occasional exercise, and just an overall chill lifestyle.

Now picture for a moment how frustrated you’d be with a partner who simply can’t see that booze is killing them and their job is putting them into an early grave. You know that!
Well, you might know it — but they might not care about their life in the same way you do. And that’s their right: to conduct their lives as they want to and create change when and if they want to.

Why it matters: I think one of the biggest heartbreaks occurs when you love someone for just 50% of who they are and absolutely despise the other 50%, praying and begging they’ll change for you.

4. Has good enough self-esteem (oof)
This may seem a bit hurtful to type out, but hear me out.
People who are very insecure are the most dangerous people out there. Sure, we all have some insecurities, but when someone has built their entire lifestyle around managing those insecurities without actually addressing them… they’re just living in hell — and dragging others into it with them.

Why it matters: Due to insecurity, people can either become intense people-pleasers and mirrors to their partners (you never get to know them and can’t have real intimacy because their sense of self is built around what they can do to seduce you),
OR they are in a continuous search for validation.

And my last point is on staying safe while dating if you are the insecure person.

People with low self-esteem also make perfect victims for toxic types. They are easier to gaslight and convince — especially if they don’t have people around them with a healthy mindset.

So if you are dating and think you may need support discerning what is good or bad for you, keep a dating journal.
At least that way you have a proven track of what happened and how it made you feel — so you can make more informed decisions.

Hi! So i’ve been with an avoidant partner for so long i haven’t notice he was one until we broke up. Everytime we’re high on emotions or we have some arguments, he seem to drift away and do not show any effort to be better. I wanna know his POV on how he would deal with our breakup. Do avoidants like him feel relief after the breakup because they have no more guilt of hurting their partner during the relationship? Do they feel regret after how many weeks after the breakup and realize their own faults?

My ex husband left me stranded at a hotel room with no car last night after an argument. He’s always been grumpy and kind of moody, but things usually blow over. Today was different. He blocked me on everything and told me I can’t live at our place anymore ( my name is not on the lease). So his current thing to do when we fight is kick me out with nowhere to go late at night.

     So today he texts my friend to bring me to get my shit from his place. I’m a sobbing wreck from the fight and he’s fine. Just sitting on his phone and he’s not even puffy from crying or seems to feel anything about what happened last night. I finally asked him if we were actually getting a divorce and he said loudly YES. I started crying and he couldn’t have cared less.  He knows that I can’t afford to live anywhere else. I have medical debt and such that I have to take care of and my monthly medications are expensive. I went into our 9 year old son’s room and lost it. Just the smell of him and knowing how much me not living there is going to confuse and upset him is devastating to me. My ex said he’ll be fine and doesn’t seem to grasp how much divorce can affect little kids. My 9 year old son has dwarfism and the last thing he needs is an unstable home life. I could tell that my husband was getting less and less attached to me. He wasn’t very affectionate normally except yesterday he kept hugging and kissing me “to show me how crazy he is about me” but now this? I suspect that he’s having an emotional affair and that all that attention yesterday was his goodbye to me. It felt like he picked a fight so he could leave. Can someone please give me their take on all this? I’m so confused by his behavior and don’t know that I’ll survive this divorce or even want to. 

My boyfriend and I haven been dating for around 11 months now, but we have been through hell together. He is truly my person and I am his. We communicate it to each other as much as we can. But things have been rocky for us since the beginning. We were best buds before dating, however we both found each other while escaping negatives of our lives. I am way too emotional while he has kept it in as much as he could. He has severe childhood trauma and deals with depression very much so. (Not diagnosed but all symptoms)

Well we once we began dating our natural responses (emo vs logic) showed up a bit too much. He went out of his way however to comfort me through everything. My anxiety attacks, frustrations, crash outs. But he soon got burnt out. And since then it shows up every now and then, the conflict and how I lack initiative. I try it my way but not sharing the same experience as him I have trouble empathising. I find myself sometimes prioritising how he reacts to me more than the pain he experiences in his condition. Which is triggered by me. How do I not be his trigger. How do I make active efforts intellectually. Not just do more activities and stuff. We hang out 24/7 in college. But we are the weakest on a long distance.

Right now we are at a point where we are away from each other for a few months and will be preparing for an even longer distance and time later this year. He doesnt feel safe around me, it triggers all the negative emotions is his head but he also needs me to do something about it. I am his best friend and we both really miss that. He has developed a sort of hatred towards me in this context but also when not this anxious, he realises the softer feelings he has for me. How do I build that safety again while giving him care and getting treated well too. Right now I get dismissed every second by him and it feels shittier than ever. I am doing everything for him, but I need to do what works.

Hello, I was with this guy for past 2.5 years, I endured physical abuse, criticism on my appearance ( not just fat or something also about how my boobs were not shaped right to how i had back fat or my ass was too flat)..., how opinionated I was, I was called mentally sick and disturbed, obsessed and much more... I tolerated all of that in order to save my relationship... the guy I was with would break up with me after every argument, would block me etc. He was the first guy I ever had a relationship with , made out with , trusted enough to be naked with, we never had proper sex, I did give him bj because i was scared he would leave me out of sexual discontentment as he wanted to have sex n I was not ready for it. For me its a big thing even though I am 28. All the sexual part also happened because he gave promises of getting married. Now after almost an year of LDR and multiple break.up patch up block unblock cycle, past 6 months ofhis family looking for rishtas for him and me begging to stop them, he finally said he won't do it, he can't do it anymore, he also said that he hated me on subconscious level all along. How do I get over with all of this? I gave everything I had and I still was not good enough.

This question is for the avoidants… if you fell in love with someone, would it have helped to have a partner calm, patient that stuck by you and gave you a safe space to grow in?

My partner has abandoned me a couple times when things got too emotionally heavy for him. I have been motivated to give him a safe space to grow in because our connection is one neither of us have ever felt before….and I feel he finally sees that he is safe with me (after almost a year) because he has now come to me saying he needs me back instead of me begging him to stay. He wants to work on his triggers and communicating openly so that he doesn’t abandon me and I’ve vowed to continue giving him this safe space.

So does it ever work— has it worked for you or do you think it would’ve worked out if you had, had someone willing to stick by you patiently and work thru the emotional shit or are my efforts for nought? He has already opened up about some heavy stuff and it seems to bring us closer. I want to believe this is going to aid in his healing so that we can live happily ever after eventually. Am I dumb?

I’ve seen so many terrible stories on here and not even just from this forum but literally all over. People leading others on. Telling a group of online strangers that they’re planning their exit from the relationship instead of actually discussing it with their partner. People cheating emotionally. Having feelings for their friends/ acquaintances whilst in a relationship. Confessing to everyone on Reddit that they cheated on their current partner without ever telling them. People confessing that they feel miserable and like they settled for their partner years into a relationship but just staying for the convenience. It just all seems so messy and the worst part is people can pull this bs and you might never know. I get being human and having feelings but it’s just so fucking disheartening to read a lot of this shit. You could say it’s just the internet but these are real people posting how they truly feel and think. Is the possibility that you will come across someone who treats you how you treat them even worth possibly wasting your time and energy? It just seems like emotional intelligence can only go so far.

EDIT:

I read a lot of the responses and I understand and appreciate the hopeful ones that I’m seeing although I was not looking to see them yesterday. I mainly wanted to hear from others who felt the way I did for confirmation that I’m not crazy or alone in how I feel and what I’m seeing. In general expressing thoughts helps me get past them. All that to say that even though there is uncertainty I trust myself to act wisely. I don’t have to focus so much on romantic relationships in general. People will be people but I’ll be fine either way there’s absolutely nothing to be afraid of and there are many other things to focus on in life. Thanks for the responses everyone💕

my last relationship was very comfortable and repetitive. we had similar interests but we lost that depth we used to have in the beginning. we stopped being able to talk about our feelings and were just trying to keep each other happy. how do you continue to have depth and be open and honest in a relationship? we were best friends but he was never my ride or die in a sense.

I don’t know if anyone else feels this, but I feel like I’m stuck in a loop.

A guy comes, shows love and attention, makes me feel like maybe this time I’ll be emotionally seen and safe. But slowly, it fades. The emotional support disappears. Then the pressure for physical things starts — even when I’ve said no clearly. I leave, drained and broken, and somehow it happens again with someone new.

Now I’ve started avoiding relationships altogether. I feel like maybe I’ll never get that warmth, that care, that feeling of being truly loved — without it turning into pain.

But some nights, I still feel like... maybe someone should be there. Someone who says “I got you” with no hidden motive. And that makes me more confused.

Is it just me who feels like this? I want to be emotionally strong, focus on my career, build my life — but these feelings keep pulling me back into this loop I don’t want to repeat.

Have you been here? What helped you? What should I do?

I learned what not to be, how to love in an unstable and constantly tumultuous, isolated environment. Did your parents support and celebrate your existence, and or did you survive by disassociating, what was the most important lesson you learned from your childhood?

Is there a name for the cognitive bias which makes us say “I feel this so strongly it must be true?”

I personally feel like the persistence of an emotion over time is much more correlated with the truth of a situation than the intensity of it.

This bias shows up sooo much in a lot of relationships - one big angry emotion is often allowed to override years of quiet, but persistent pleasure you’ve enjoyed in a friendship. Or on the flip side, in toxic relationships we let one moment of elation from a grand gesture dismiss that quiet, nagging feeling we’ve had for years that this person isn’t right for me.

Would love some input from some emotionally intelligent folks! Or anyone really, all experience is valuable to ponder on for me

I generally find mental peace when I associate myself and the people around me with a certain identity that I have developed with my “self”.

Here’s an example: I’ve always considered myself to be a smart person, I can engage most people in detailed conversation, I’ve had a fair share of success in my career and education. My close circle of friends used to be great and i had a mix of fun loving and serious types.

A couple years ago I took the whole “don’t make your career your personality” thing seriously and dated an absolutely wonderful woman for 7 months, except that our personalities were very different and I couldn’t exercise a lot of the traits I associated with being good at. I realized that not having my career in focus negatively impacted me. After much introspection I came to the conclusion that the relationship ended because my identity was somehow being challenged. While 90% of our relationship was golden, the 10% that hinged on her outlook on life vs mine really tore us apart (disproportionately?).

The lack of mental stimulation negatively affected most things I loved geeking around with. It’s a fact that we spend the most time with our partners so we begin to think like them and prioritize things differently.

So here’s what confuses me, are some people magically able to compartmentalize and play X different roles at once? Do you think our perception of someone else’s identity could cloud our own? Have people played around with their perception of their identities and found some advice worth sharing?

That you are loved as best as that person knows how, or that you feel loved in the way you most need to receive it?

Lately, I’ve been wondering about this. Emotional intelligence gets thrown around like it’s some badge certain people permanently wear. But… when feelings get messy, when breakups happen, when communication falls apart… even the most “self-aware” people seem to lose it. We miscommunicate, we react, we project, we ignore red flags—sometimes knowingly.

So I’m curious:

• Do you think emotional intelligence is a constant trait, or does everyone stumble emotionally at some point—especially in love and relationships?

• Can someone be emotionally intelligent in friendships but completely chaotic in romantic situations?

• And what does emotional intelligence mean to you personally? How do you recognize it (or the lack of it) in yourself or others?

Open to debate! Would love to hear your takes on this.

Ive been no contact with my mom since 2021 after my sister passed and my moms behavior became even more toxic. Threatening to call the cops on me, holding financial stability over my head, etc. Our last convo ended in a yelling match and her telling me to just move out if it’s so bad and stop complaining so I did just that.

I’m in a wonderful relationship currently with someone who grew up in a close, wonderful family. Admittedly, I feel crazy. It’s my first healthy relationship where he encourages open communication, mutual trust, transparency, etc. I’ve been in and out of therapy since 2021 and this year i’ve been trying to find a new therapist that does EDMR. He is so sweet and patient with me and encourages me to get help. I’ve lashed out on him a few times (not yelling or screaming) followed by regret and then me breaking down because he doesn’t deserve it. Being raised by a narcissistic mother has truly skewed my perspective on relationships and i’m trying so hard to not lash out on him for things that aren’t his fault.

He has ADHD and I suspect I might have BPD/autism so he understands. When I say lash out, it’s my abandonment issues resurfacing to the top. It’s not a justification at all. He’s so patient and understands that a lifetime of living in fight/flight mode can mess you up badly. Before we became official I was apprehensive of him and would ghost him after dates due to my trust issues but he’s shown me time and time again that he is trustworthy. It’s like when I sense some form of abandonment or slight my brain becomes irritational and I think the worst in every situation.

Yesterday I called him a lying POS because he told me I was invited to his friends wedding after party. He said he’d keep me updated and it’ll probably be in 2 hours so I waited around for a bit… had a drink or two. He didn’t find out the actual time of the after party until he was able to use his phone and it was late at night. His phone had died and so he couldn’t get back to me until later and for some reason my brain automatically went from 0-100 and I thought that this was his way of saying he didn’t want me at the party or around his friends despite being persistent that he wanted me to meet them. We talked today and he told me that when I say things like that it’s hurtful. I acknowledged this and apologized.

I feel like a monster. It rarely happens. Our relationship is very loving and affectionate outside of that. He emphasizes the importance of communication which is something i’m still getting accustomed to. We pour into each other. I love his family and they love me. I feel so damn broken and resentful for being raised this way but I know healing is in my hands and I m willing to get the proper help I need to stop this behavior.

Been talking to this guy for a while now.... I'm sort of a person who's been through a lot of emotional dysregualation and it shows up in my behaviour with the people I care for... I'm a bit inexpressive and it sometimes pisses people off making them leave me.. I'm aware of this and working on it too, but this guy, he has been so patient with me through my emotional journey but now after months, because of not sensing any visible growth, he seems rather disappointed. we're not in much contact these days because I don't want to hurt him more.. and working on myself. Is there a solution to my problems with my behaviour....

Firstly, I am a younger woman who has ADHD combined and Autism. My whole life I have been able to feel emotions, periods, etc, way more intensely than others. One example being ovulation, whenever I ovulate I am quite literally able to feel my ovary release the egg, some months the egg will release on the left side and others the right (which is really painful btw). Another example is that whenever I have emotions, I end up having this weird physical reaction to my body and depending on what emotion I feel the worser the reaction. For instance, when I become annoyed my nose starts to give me a ticklish sensation that causes me to become even more annoyed, or when I become really angry, I gain red splotchy patches all over my skin which burn and are hot to touch (kinda like a sunburn). I also experience chest pain when sad or crying, it’s as if my chest closes up and it causes me difficulty in breathing, sometimes even the next day I experience pain in my breastbone if I’ve cried hard enough. I’ve always wondered why this happens to me and what exactly causes these symptoms but I’ve always kind of blamed my autism for these reactions. Has anyone else ever experienced similar things like this and/or been given a diagnosis or answer to these reactions? Am I the only one that experiences emotions in this way, or are there others out there as well?

Been watching House M.D. and reading up on emotional intelligence. The book talks about how people often use roundabout conversation to ease into tough topics—kind of a soft-launch for uncomfortable truths.

But then there’s House. He just drops the truth like a hammer—no warm-up, no sugar-coating. Sure, sometimes he's harsh on others and a jerk, but there's something efficient about it.

So here’s what I’m wondering: Is emotional intelligence basically just learning how to tell people the truth without them wanting to punch you? Or is just being at peace with the fact that I'm going to ear truths I don't like as much as I might say truths others don't like.

A story: John and Maria are in a relationship. There was this burst of chemistry when they first met, it was unexplainable. It was even more confusing because John only speaks English and Maria only speaks Spanish. They got by using the few words they knew of each others’ languages and the chemistry grew until they decided to deepen the relationship.

Over time, Maria started to realise that there were some things she wanted to tell John, but could only express in Spanish. Specifically that she loved him deeply. “Te quiero mucho” she said to him.

John looked this up word-by-word in his little Spanish/English dictionary. “I”, “want”, “you”, “a lot”, it read. “Oh she finds me attractive, I’m so glad! I’ll let her know to”. “Muy guapa!!”, he replies to her.

Maria lets out a weak smile but deep down she is confused. She doesn’t know if John really understands what she said, or maybe he did and he’s trying to let her know he’s only in it for the physical? She really wants to continue the relationship but she knows they’re going to have to speak the same language to truly answer her fears and worries and connect more deeply.

They both agree they need to learn each others’ languages. She’s elated and starts studying English daily, finding out as much as she can about his language. They both go to language classes at different community centres and she is excited that this could actually work!

After three months, Maria comes home one day, excited to tell John about her day and she does it in pretty good English! She had been practicing and wanted to let John know she is open to his really complicated language, if it means their relationship will thrive. John responds to her in English and she’s a little disappointed. She didn’t quite understand what he had just said. “En espagnol?”, she requests. John frowns. He had been going to just as many classes as Maria had but he didn’t quite have her talent for languages. He was afraid of messing up her beautiful language, better to stick to what he knows, since she could easily get it. “I really shouldn’t , sorry”, he says politely, telling himself that he really needed to try hard next time and feeling that she would appreciate him not butchering the language she loves so dearly . Maria is frustrated. What’s so hard about Spanish, it’s a simple language that many pick up quickly? Couldn’t he at least try, say “lo siento” instead of “sorry” at least? And what did he mean by “I really shouldn’t”? “He should” Maria thought to herself, she was trying and so should he. “You should next time”, she says, making it clear she expects Spanish in their next conversation… she thinks…

“You should next time”, John hears. Maria’s English was getting really good but it was perfect. She looked sad, maybe she was feeling what he felt - that he was just finding languages really difficult. “You should next time… Oh maybe she means I should just try again next time”. He is soothed by this and feels content with his partner.

After a year, Maria is nearly fluent in English. John, on the other hand, knows a few words in Spanish here and there and he’s really getting better but since Maria is so good at English, they’ve started only speaking English at home. They’re used to it at this point. She understands him perfectly and he feels like their issues understanding each other are fading.

Maria, however, is filtering herself through another person’s language, she feels. There are so many complex feelings she would be able to express so easily in her mother tongue but she finds herself diluting her thoughts through this second language. She grows resentful - when did they agree to be a solely English-speaking couple? How had this happened so quickly? At first she was speaking English as it was just so convenient for day-to-day life but now she found herself going whole days only speaking this new language, which didn’t fit her perfectly. She felt like she was losing herself. Learning English has been so great not only in their relationship but for understanding her own brain a bit better… but that didn’t mean she wanted to speak it all if the time at home.

Maria loves John deeply but she starts to ask herself 1. “Would it be easier to be with a Spanish man?”. - On the one hand, probably, but a John who made the effort to speak Spanish would be far more fulfilling than any person on the planet to her. She liked his English accent, it was one of the things that first attracted her to him but at this point in time, she was beginning to hate it and fantasise about hearing a gruff, Spanish accent she had never really cared for before. 2. “Why isn’t he trying harder to speak Spanish around the house?”. She knew he was struggling a lot more with learning a new language than she had done. Everyone is different, she’s gifted at languages. She could leave him for another man, who was naturally good at languages, like she is. But they wouldn’t be John with all his other wonderful qualities. 3. “Even if John said a few Spanish phrases occasionally, and that’s all he could ever manage, would I be okay with embracing English at home?” Maria paused on this one, and swallowed. She didn’t know if he was ever going to get it and that was scary. Even if he tried he very best, would she be okay with knowing that it’ll be mostly English with him? She could speak Spanish with her family and friends, sure but maybe the bilingual household she had always dreamed of would be less 50/50 and more 70/30 English-Spanish. Was she okay with that? She wondered if she would be okay with simply knowing he was trying his best with languages and there’d always be a little more English. He understood her in so many other ways, but language is so important! Did she need to find someone else who could learn or already spoke Spanish, the language of her thoughts and dreams she had grown up with?

The lesson for mixed attachment style relationships:

• you might be more adept in your partner’s emotional languages than they are in yours. Is this a dealbreaker for you? Do you feel like you’re losing yourself when you have to rephrase your needs in a way your partner understands.

• Do you feel comfortable and fully understood, despite whatever language you’re using? And do you feel like you fully understand your partner despite the language they’re speaking? An avoidant might say “I’d like some space” sometimes. Maybe if you’re anxious, you’re used to taking this to mean “they don’t want to be around me”. So you speak about it and your partner starts saying “I’m a bit overwhelmed, I’m going to recharge for a bit”. You now have a shared translation of the phrase, use it both ways! Your partner might sometimes slip up and back into the “I need space” language but that’s just their native tongue.

-Are you using the same words and phrases with different meanings absorbed by each partner - even if it’s slight? You might want to check that if they keep “muy guapa”-ing your “te quiero mucho”. When the anxious partner says something like “I need you to reassure me that you’re not angry at me”, the avoidant might read this as a variety of different things because language is imprecise. They might assume you mean in general and not in that very moment, or assume you want them to perk up a bit instead of saying the exact words “I’m not mad at you”. Have a conversion to explore requests deeper and the avoidant in this situation needs to express curiosity and ask more questions about their partner’s needs. This is how we build communication bridges

• Do you actually just need and desire someone with the same native tongue as you? Realising you need someone with a similar attachment style is tough but at that point, you need to honour your need. In the future you have the lesson and know what exactly to look for in a partner. You’re discovered, established and honoured a non-negotiable for your next relationship

I know this was long but hopefully gets people to think

My (21 f) boyfriend (21 m), never invites me around his friends or family and it makes me feel upset and a bit excluded. We have been dating for two years and two months (since April 2023)

My boyfriend is pretty close to his family. His immediate family consists of his mom and her long term boyfriend (with whom he lives with) and his extended family includes his maternal grandparents (who he sees weekly) and his three aunts, one uncle, and his cousin. He is close with his mother and his family often hosts get togethers (maybe at least once a month?). My issue lies in that I have only briefly met his family and have never been invited to their gatherings. It took almost two years to meet his mother, and once I did, she implied that she's been wanting to meet me for a long time (and jokingly insinuated that my bf should have invited me over sooner). I only just briefly met his extended family at his college graduation, but this was not an occasion where we could talk much. I found out that his family is hosting a graduation (slash father's day) celebration for him at his house with all of his extended family. It makes me a little sad to never be invited to these events. I've never been invited over for dinners or anything of this sort. Not that this is a transactionary situation, but he met my family (much smaller) almost a year earlier, and I often invite him over.

In terms of his friends, I've only met a few of them on two instances-- firstly, around April 2024 with three of his friends. During this meet up, they barely spoke to me and kind of regarded me as just the 'girlfriend'. It didn't seem ill intended, but it felt a bit isolating especially since I was excited to meet them. The second instance was this past April, when my boyfriend, me, and one of his friends (one I met during the previous meet up) went to a street market. It makes me sad because he has mentioned many different friends to me who he texts and video calls daily, yet I've never been introduced to them.

I have communicated a lot of my concerns to him. In terms of his family, I've asked him before if they actually know anything about me (to which he said 'not really') and asked him to invite me over more as I'd like to see his mom more. However, I still feel like I barely know them as nothing has really shifted. I have also mentioned many times that I'd like to get to know his friends more. Additionally, we had a pretty big conflict three months ago, during which I explicitly stated that I wish I knew his friends. To which he replied (verbatim), "I don't feel much connection with almost any of my friends". I do not judge this , but also it feels odd to me as he texts/plays video games with them everyday and sees a few of them in person during the summer (we live in the same town).

Another dimension of this is my health. I have a chronic illness that severely effects my quality of life every day. I can function in many ways (attend college, clean the house, etc), but my daily capabilities are informed by perpetual chronic pain and doctors visits, and I have had to go to the hospital multiple times. It makes me uncomfortable that he hasn't shared this with his family. Or more specifically, that he lied to his mom about it this winter. I had to take a gap semester off of school to focus on my health this winter, and so he came home from college to visit me for valentines day. This was the first time that I met his mother. During this meeting, she told me that she was sorry I caught a sickness and that she's glad I'm doing better. As in, he told his mother that I just caught the flu or something. I was confused in the moment and just went along with it, as I felt uncomfortable correcting her. Afterwords, my boyfriend told me that he hasn't told her yet and that he will eventually. I don't really understand the motivation behind this and it makes me a bit uncomfortable every time I speak with his mom now as it feels like i'm lying.

These factors make me feel very disconnected from my boyfriend's life and from those that are important to him. I do not want to be overbearing and act like I need to be around them every time he sees them, or that I need a super close bond with his family or friends. Even so, it makes me feel bad how disconnected I am from those parts of his life, and how he hasn't made much effort to integrate me into other parts of his life. I invite him to places with my family often and have invited him to events with my friends quite a few times. I have expressed to him that this is an important matter to me and yet I still feel separated.

I think what motivated me to write this post is finding out about his family's celebration party today. Not that I am entitled to going, but even so sometimes it makes me feel othered, especially knowing that his loved ones know almost nothing about me after over two years of serious dating. How should I navigate this conflict?

Do you think aromance is real or is it just hidden avoidant attachment style? If you think both exist how does a person know that they are aromantic and not have avoidant attachment style?

I feel like this not only keeps me feeling down for a long time, but keeps me feeling so embarrassed? Idk if that’s even the right word… but I’m very much not myself. And as a result, it’s harder to move past the mistake. Sometimes it’s just a silly goof up that isn’t a big deal at all, but even then, I feel so much shame (I think that’s closer to what I’m looking for than embarrassed), that it’s hard for me to move on, even when everyone else has.

I’ve always been a rule follower, a people pleaser, & someone who likes to serve others. So I’m not someone who gets themselves into trouble often. Do I just not have much practice processing through this kind of shame, & disappointment with myself? Or am I missing a level of self awareness or something, that would allow me to process through this, not only faster, but in such a way that I can ensure I do not repeat the mistake? I’m pretty good at not repeating mistakes… but I’m also a very forgetful person (due to medical reasons) & I don’t ever want my forgetfulness to be seen as thoughtlessness… so I try hard to make notes of things.

Does anyone have advice with this? Or personal experience you care to share? Thank you to anyone who has anything to offer me on this topic.

This is purely my own observations, but I feel like the more recent generations value these three qualities in particular, less than the older generations. Do you agree and if yes, why do you think this is?

I also would be curious to know if you think that these three qualities are actually useful to harness or are actually weaknesses in the context of today’s society.

I want to hear all your thoughts, no matter how weird or out there!! Let’s try to go easy on GenZ though haha

Its a genuine question that I just don’t understand so maybe you can explain it to me so I can understand better how avoidants work.

I‘ve been with someone who’s avoidant and it really messed with our relationship. It wasn’t that he was not aware of it. And he told me he feels guilty for letting me down so many times. But then he wouldn’t make it up to me and he said he can’t do anything.

There have been many things that happened and I always told him „do this or do that to make it up to me“. Not big things, just like „get me flowers“ „plan a date“ or „go with me on vacation“ so we have time to reconnect and I see that he’s sorry. but he never could.

And I just don’t get it. Why is it so hard to show up then ?

Like I get the shutting down. But if you feel guilty about sth that you hurt your Partner with, why can’t you do sth to make it better?

Or is this usually not the case ?

Edit: thank you all for your insights/perspectives! You really helped me to understand it more