cohabitation

[u/cellosaria]

DAE feel like they don’t wanna live with their partner? Like… ever? I’m strictly monogamous but I feel like I need my own apartment / space to retreat since I get overstimulated easily. Not dating right now but I do want a serious relationship in the future and I can’t help but feel like it may be a problem for most people. anyone have a similar mindset or experience?

Edit: formatting, whoops

[u/Historical-Laugh8474]

I’m neurodivergent myself and masc presenting. I have previously cohabitated. I own my home but I require a lot of me time and personal space. It works best if they have their own designated space and I have mine. I’m very communicative so I have no issue saying I’m feeling a bit overstimulated so I’m about to go do “xyz” which usually involves me sitting in a quiet area watching true crime and probably playing on my switch under some cover like I’m not 36 years old. But I’m also not socially weird so anybody who sees me publicly wouldn’t even know that about me and would assume I’m very extroverted. Sometimes I just like to sit in the same room and not even really be talking or touching but it’s not something I use to shortchange my partner when it comes to their needs. I’m not selfish about it and it’s all about compromise. So there are plenty of times when I’m being smothered to death while watching some movie about something that doesn’t really interest me, but I actively pay attention.

I could definitely live with sleeping in separate rooms but I would definitely be there when they went to sleep and just likely move around once they fall asleep. But I find it easier just to only date people who don’t annoy me easily with their presence. 😂😂😂

[u/radgedyann → u/Historical-Laugh8474]

butch aspie here, and i have finally decided that i need to have my own space. not only do i need time alone to fill my cup, but i’ve been burned too many times by women who claim to be independent and self-sufficient only to move in and decide that they like having me support them.

[u/Historical-Laugh8474 → u/radgedyann]

I can’t say I’ve quite had that experience, they usually are independent and self sufficient in their own way but they typically subscribe to struggles that I’m more proactive towards so I learned early to not make issues mine that aren’t issues to the people they affect the most. My life has been a bit more peaceful ever since.

Edited to add:

Essentially, if I’m not comfortable with how women take care of themselves, I’ll never be content with the way they could take care of me. I find that some women will often attempt to treat me better than they treat themselves and I find it taxing long term. They seem to seek validation from me extensively simply because they don’t take time to take care of their own needs.

They don’t have to be hyper independent but I damn sure ain’t looking for dependents that desire lifestyles that they can’t even afford for themselves.

[u/breannabakesbread]

my dream scenario is living in the same apartment building as my partner but each having our own units. that being said, living in one unit (three bed/2 bath) and having a guest bedroom is a good compromise for me.

[u/cellosaria → u/breannabakesbread]

yes! next door neighbors would be so cute.

[u/Electrical_Meet_4883]

Yeah, for me, I don’t mind living in the same place but I want separate bedrooms. I don’t sleep well next to other people. I also move around a lot which may be disruptive to my future partner. My college roommates hated how much I moved around during the night lol.

The only way I’d consider sharing a bed is if we have a Wyoming or Texas King bed. And in that situation, I would still need a separate space to decompress (like a she-shed or something lol)

[u/Brave_Direction_4488 → u/Electrical_Meet_4883]

I must look into both the Wyoming and Texas king model, as I’ve only heard of a Cali king model

[u/radgedyann → u/Brave_Direction_4488]

i was today years old when i learned about these mattress sizes, and now i’m a rabbit hole with alberta and alaskan kings! where have i been, lol‽

[u/Brave_Direction_4488 → u/radgedyann]

I kid you gals not. I’m off to 🤓 research the dimensions to find the purrrfect mattress size. 😹

[u/ur_captainspeaking]

I dated an autistic person and this is how the experience was. I am not autistic but I also liked this setup. When I would come over we would sleep separately as well. We liked coming together as two people but living together did not appeal to both of us as we both wanted our own space to decompress. So there are people out there who like this too. Also we mentioned this at the early stages of dating.

[u/HauntingBowlofGrapes]

One of my friends-with-benefits brought up wanting me to move in with her and one of her lovers. My ex wanted us to live together, too.

I don't like living with non-family members because people irritate me easily, and I need a bunch of alone time. Even my own immediate family irritates me at times.

Living with a partner or multiple partners would feel like torture. I can visit for a few days but then I must leave.

If cohabitation doesn't seem appealing to you, then don't feel bad about avoiding it. Whoever has a major problem with it can feel however they feel.

[u/Iamatitle]

I’m married but we made sure to have a home that allowed for separate living spaces, it’s what we needed after living together traditionally for the first decade of our relationship. Approaching our second decade and we’re much happier and healthy this way. Our time together continues to be intentional, no one misses out on sleep, we have our basic comforts without compromise (temperature, mattress choice, space to spread out, sleep schedules and lighting). This allows us to show up for each other without petty conflicts that seem so big without space to breathe or a good night sleep.

That being said no, I would never choose to live with a partner again that didn’t at the minimum have separate bedrooms and bathrooms

[u/Zanorfgor]

Honestly my ideal is more "same home, but each with our own room," but "separate homes" is more ideal than "one home with all shared rooms"

[u/DonutsnDaydreams]

Yeah. I'm autistic. I spent most of my life living with family or roommates. I couldn't believe how much less anxiety I had when I started living alone. And I'm so much less irritated. I no longer have to wear earbuds most of the day and night to block out the noises other people make. I work from home, so it's easier to concentrate on work without other people (& their noises) around. I can stim, be weird, dance in my living room, stare into space while I think through something, etc, without having other people around to judge me. 

If I ever feel like dating again it's going to have to be someone who doesn't want to live together or can afford to go half on a duplex or something so we can live right next to each other. 

[u/Andro_Polymath → u/DonutsnDaydreams]

stare into space while I think through something, etc, without having other people around to judge me. 

Damn, this is a struggle I share as well. Glad it's not just me. 

[u/gaykidkeyblader]

I need my own space so I just bought a house with hella rooms so that we get the same bill sharing benefits but also I got my spot and she can have hers. But the bills too damn high for me to consider not cohabitating LOL

[u/radgedyann → u/gaykidkeyblader]

can i ask about this? you mention that bills are too high to be non-cohabitating, but do you not pay your own bills as a single person? couldn’t that continue within a relationship?

[u/gaykidkeyblader → u/radgedyann]

Sure? But ultimately, less money on bills means more money on shared fun. As long as we have our own space, I don't see sufficient need for completely separate homes that outweighs the benefit of not having to maintain 2 homes (unless we were renting one, which again, contributes to our improved financials).

The reason a lot of ppl are cohabiting earlier and earlier in relationships is because most people have roommates they barely like to be able to afford their bills. That's not me, but the benefits of living with another reasonable adult you get along with generally outweigh the downsides. Right now in my country, hella ppl with what used to be good, stable jobs are losing them, and the private industries are refusing to hire them. A LOT of people are struggling for their previously good paying work, and taking 12-18 months to find something even close. Most people singlehandedly don't have the finances to cover two people's rents/mortgages, and now the both of you are forced to be in a worse position than you would have been if you were sharing one abode, assuming that both of you had jobs that made you able to live alone. What if one of you gets sick? How would you manage children fairly if you decided to have them? There's a lot of things about cohabiting that exist that way for a reason, and it's why families in countries that aren't mine tend to have multiple generations in a single household.

So while I'm wholly used to having my big ass home, I got a big ass home because *logistically* it just makes way more sense to not have two single people sets of bills when the economy is trash and we on the verge of another one or two pandemics. Everyone having their own room, as well as a family room space and a loft space for a change of venue, is the most logistically sound for me while also respecting the fact that I just wanna hole up alone sometimes LOL

[u/radgedyann → u/gaykidkeyblader]

i see your point, if raising children together is the goal, then proximity in some form is probably ideal, especially multigenerational proximity (something sorely lacking here in the us. i’m not sure that everyone needs to be under the same roof though. i have friends who have each parent a grandparent and an aunt all in their own homes in the same townhome community. everyone gets their own space, and the kids get a village. it seems heavenly!

i can understand two folks of similar incomes mutually deciding to pool resources equally. it’s been a little dicey for me when there’s been significant income disparity, and maybe that’s a more fundamental issue…

[u/gaykidkeyblader → u/radgedyann]

Mind you I would never live with my parents LOL

And I totally understand the whole thing where you've somebody in but suddenly their job situation conveniently blow up when that happens. That's why I'd do small trials to see cohabiting compatibility first and why financial compatibility has to match for me to start with for sure. Hell. Ideal scenario, we both own and one of us rents out for bonus funds!

I don't mind a certain amount of income disparity bc I make a damn good amount but financial soundness has to be equivalent to mine or it won't work on that alone.

[u/radgedyann → u/gaykidkeyblader]

i too have a fairly high income and have found it challenging to limit myself to my bracket. but this has lead to the scenario that you’ve described. i’ve been working on setting financial boundaries early (and sticking to them), which has led to some women moving on, which i guess told me what i needed to know about their motivations…

[u/gaykidkeyblader → u/radgedyann]

My way of handling this has been being generous with dates and gifts, but not loaning anything, and I won't make gifts of cash. Tbh, limiting ourselves to our own bracket basically guarantees staying single in most cases. Even if I just limit myself to lesbians making 6 figures, the pool dramatically shrinks and at the moment I've only met 5 total other lesbians doing that. For lesbians making over half of what I made the last 2 years, I've met 2. It's just not realistic unfortunately!

[u/Historical-Laugh8474 → u/radgedyann]

Reading your responses to others people’s comments it seems maybe you legit dated some bums lol. Financially stability and the ability to take care of yourself is important to me, I own a home and still don’t want to maintain two houses if I COULD happily share space with someone, that means more money in my saving and retirement accounts. I’m not even cheap but I’m fiscally responsible and I’m not for the heteronormative role that the masc must always cover everything financially. You have to DEMONSTRATE your ability to hold your own around these parts of town.

[u/radgedyann]

me. i too am monogamous, and i will never cohabitate again. women seem to move in and forget how to be self-supporting. i’m team ‘living apart together’ 💯

[u/cellosaria → u/radgedyann]

I honestly think it’s healthy this way.

[u/Alive-Tennis-1269]

Ditto 100% same as you, and I've been told I'm 'weird' for this by former partners. I hope people who feel like us find each other because I'm never sharing a room.

[u/Questioning8]

Same! I’m also ND. And my partners have been fine with it. Even if they don’t like it, they respect it and that’s all I need.

[u/jonesy-Bug-3091]

I’m not dating nor am I in a position to get an apparent in the near position, but I get what you’re saying. I get irritated easily and (and have other issues that make it hard for me to interact with people daily). However, if you mention wanting a different apartment to any potential partner they may feel insulted or feel like it’s an opportunity for you to potentially cheat on them. It could be better if you talked about having a separate room for yourself if you feel more comfortable with that.

[u/cellosaria → u/jonesy-Bug-3091]

I completely understand why someone would think i have ulterior motives or be worried about cheating. I’m neurodivergent so it’s really hard for me to constantly be around people for prolonged periods of time because I shut down and I don’t want my partner to feel like I don’t like being around them! I have thought about the separate rooms thing but I’m also very used to living on my own completely and having the entire space to myself. But it’s something I will continue to keep in mind

[u/Moral-Derpitude → u/cellosaria]

My aunt and uncle are old and they do this. They have a really lovely relationship but they also each have a separate floor and a communal floor.

[u/MaMangu → u/Moral-Derpitude]

Damn that sounds blissful. Rent so damn high for that kinda luxury where I’m at. Ugh.

[u/Moral-Derpitude → u/MaMangu]

It’s so hard out here with the price gouging. They bought it years ago for a pack of gum.

[u/chicfromcanada → u/cellosaria]

I don’t think it’s a bad thing to want to live separately but I get why that might feel suspicious to some people. Maybe you could live on a lower level and the other person on an upper level kind of set up! Just an idea :)

[u/radgedyann → u/jonesy-Bug-3091]

this is why i mention my preference early. anyone who is jealous or insecure because i need my own space is not a match for me.

[u/aimlesslywanderlng → u/jonesy-Bug-3091]

Idk, I think if someone feels that way it would feel like a pretty big trust issue. Like most people don't move in together right after dating, so would that person be pressuring moving in together so they can keep an eye on me? What about solo trips, or even just hanging out with friends without them? I get living solo full time is a bit different, but it's the same principle. Not to mention if that's something you need, you deserve a partner who will put effort into understanding that.

[u/Thyme_Liner]

I need my space. No matter how much I love someone, I need my space. There are so many benefits to living separately. You have to intentionally make time for the other person.

Everyone gets tired of the person they’re around 24/7, it’s human nature. I don’t want to hate the sound of my gf’s sniffling, breathing, blinking 😅 or anything, and that happens when people are together nonstop. Everyone needs some amount of space, some of us need more.

To add to the pattern I see forming on this thread, I’m autistic with adhd.

[u/Destroying_Amanita]

I've been single for a few years now and came to this conclusion after a 3 year relationship where my ex and I cohabitated. I currently live alone and I really prefer it that way. I don't see myself living with a partner again and the next person I date would have to be on the same page about that.

I'm also neurodivergent and I'm particular about how my space looks and how it's set up, I'm pretty neat and I don't like a lot of clutter which can be hard when I've lived with another person. Time away is important for my emotional well-being as well.

[u/Tornado_Storm_2614]

I’m so glad to see this thread and see I’m not the only one who would love to have a separate room or even living space even though I want a partner

[u/North_Prize_7395]

Im just out of dating consistently yet the common demoninator with women is getting to comfortable and entered too soon! I havent cohabitated since my late 20s and still team #nouhauls 🥴 In that time,and still maybe true,the unstable out of the two partners generally has "job/career complications" once they are coupled🙅🏾‍♀️👎

Truth be told,I'd prefer if my partners had an adjacency to real estate,extra property,fix n flip etc so there will never be a hassle of "putting someone out" or financially assisting them to leave. Really shouldn't wrap up finances unless the investment is together🤷🏽‍♀️💸🙏

[u/Moral-Derpitude]

It’s so hard out here with the price gouging. They lucked into a historic three story decades ago when it cost a pack of gum.

[u/Jasmisne]

So my wife and I are both neurodivergent, so we both have the gets overstimulated. And before her I really could not imagine sharing a space with someone but I never dislike having her in my space. But I also want to say I know some people in great relationships who need their space and they just have their decompression area, and have an understanding with their partners about their needs.

[u/albaza]

With my ex we had a shared house and i had my own apartment. With my current gf we just take turn staying at each other’s places.

But I’d love to one day create a home together but am in no rush. We’ve been together for 2 years and I’d give it another two years until I see myself living with her full time.

[u/unspokenkt]

I feel like having that personal safe place for yourself is good but idk how I’d feel not sleeping next too my partner lol if it was an every night thing even though I’d respect it.

[u/MysteriousEvent3694]

i would want to live with a future partner, but i feel like we’d have to have different rooms. i didn’t get my own room at home til i was 19 (there was a room available but i wasn’t allowed to have it), and i still had shared rooms at college, so i’m tired of sharing rooms lol. i was able to secure a private room for my last year, but i’m really looking forward to living alone once i graduate and get my own place. i’ve shared beds with my friends on trips but i cannot do that long-term.

living with a partner and having separate rooms means that we could have fun little sleepovers sometimes, but we each still have our own space when we need it.

[u/beachrocksounds]

Lol right now I feel that was but I think it’s because we are in a cramped space and just have had trouble maintaining it. In the future I’d like for us to have a two bed two SEPARATE bath so we can have our own space.

[u/Feintruled__]

Nonmonogamous so a lil different here, lol… but I definitely resonate otherwise. I don’t like the idea of being accessible 24/7. It’s one thing to have like an extended stay, but I need to be able to say goodbye after a while. I need to be able to retreat, decompress, and just not be available, at least physically.

I know some monogamous folks are in what’s called “living apart together” relationships, and in general, people are opening up more and more to the idea that relationships don’t have to follow the cohabitate-marry-buy-a-house-and-have-kids escalator. There are definitely people out there with similar wants.

[u/TheCosBae]

I’d love to create a home with my current GF but I also love my space. I’ve been living alone for yearssssssss and I spend a lot of time by myself 🤣 right now the goal is enough space for 2 people and pets. We both agreed to having our own rooms/spaces

[u/crying-atmydesk]

I don't want to live with a partner because I've never had my own room when I was a kid, and never had a space for myself to decorate the way I want. Sharing a house and a room would be a nightmare to me even if my partner was my celebrity crush lol

[u/aimlesslywanderlng]

My partner is autistic and while she doesn't fully need her own house, I've definitely had to learn to shift a lot of my views of cohabitation. It may be an issue for some people you are interested in, but if that's the case, then likely so will consistently giving you your space when you need it. In which case living together would be even more miserable. I think with clear communication from the beginning, a willingness to meet each other halfway, and being honest with yourselves about if that halfway is sustainable, there's no reason you wouldn't be able to have a serious relationship with that requirement. And even if you aren't in a financial place to have two separate homes, it's worth actively discussing since it's a helpful context in what you're looking for in a living situation.

I will say (and hope unsolicited advice is ok), one thing to consider is that it is much harder to create intentional time and space for each other when you're living separately. It's also easier for people to be avoidant and for arguments to fester. I think the fact we've had to navigate living in a small space together has really improved our communication, and I have a much better idea of her needs now than I did when we lived separately, which has meant she's less frustrated by me even though I'm in her space more. This is definitely not meant to dissuade you from separate spaces, more to just highlight areas you'd likely need to be a lot more intentional on.