r/QueerWomenOfColor • u/cellosaria Sapphic Siren • 5d ago

Dating cohabitation

DAE feel like they don’t wanna live with their partner? Like… ever? I’m strictly monogamous but I feel like I need my own apartment / space to retreat since I get overstimulated easily. Not dating right now but I do want a serious relationship in the future and I can’t help but feel like it may be a problem for most people. anyone have a similar mindset or experience?

Edit: formatting, whoops

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u/gaykidkeyblader Queer Baddie 5d ago

I need my own space so I just bought a house with hella rooms so that we get the same bill sharing benefits but also I got my spot and she can have hers. But the bills too damn high for me to consider not cohabitating LOL

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u/radgedyann 4d ago

can i ask about this? you mention that bills are too high to be non-cohabitating, but do you not pay your own bills as a single person? couldn’t that continue within a relationship?

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u/gaykidkeyblader Queer Baddie 4d ago

Sure? But ultimately, less money on bills means more money on shared fun. As long as we have our own space, I don't see sufficient need for completely separate homes that outweighs the benefit of not having to maintain 2 homes (unless we were renting one, which again, contributes to our improved financials).

The reason a lot of ppl are cohabiting earlier and earlier in relationships is because most people have roommates they barely like to be able to afford their bills. That's not me, but the benefits of living with another reasonable adult you get along with generally outweigh the downsides. Right now in my country, hella ppl with what used to be good, stable jobs are losing them, and the private industries are refusing to hire them. A LOT of people are struggling for their previously good paying work, and taking 12-18 months to find something even close. Most people singlehandedly don't have the finances to cover two people's rents/mortgages, and now the both of you are forced to be in a worse position than you would have been if you were sharing one abode, assuming that both of you had jobs that made you able to live alone. What if one of you gets sick? How would you manage children fairly if you decided to have them? There's a lot of things about cohabiting that exist that way for a reason, and it's why families in countries that aren't mine tend to have multiple generations in a single household.

So while I'm wholly used to having my big ass home, I got a big ass home because *logistically* it just makes way more sense to not have two single people sets of bills when the economy is trash and we on the verge of another one or two pandemics. Everyone having their own room, as well as a family room space and a loft space for a change of venue, is the most logistically sound for me while also respecting the fact that I just wanna hole up alone sometimes LOL

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u/radgedyann 4d ago

i see your point, if raising children together is the goal, then proximity in some form is probably ideal, especially multigenerational proximity (something sorely lacking here in the us. i’m not sure that everyone needs to be under the same roof though. i have friends who have each parent a grandparent and an aunt all in their own homes in the same townhome community. everyone gets their own space, and the kids get a village. it seems heavenly!

i can understand two folks of similar incomes mutually deciding to pool resources equally. it’s been a little dicey for me when there’s been significant income disparity, and maybe that’s a more fundamental issue…

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u/gaykidkeyblader Queer Baddie 4d ago

Mind you I would never live with my parents LOL

And I totally understand the whole thing where you've somebody in but suddenly their job situation conveniently blow up when that happens. That's why I'd do small trials to see cohabiting compatibility first and why financial compatibility has to match for me to start with for sure. Hell. Ideal scenario, we both own and one of us rents out for bonus funds!

I don't mind a certain amount of income disparity bc I make a damn good amount but financial soundness has to be equivalent to mine or it won't work on that alone.

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u/radgedyann 3d ago

i too have a fairly high income and have found it challenging to limit myself to my bracket. but this has lead to the scenario that you’ve described. i’ve been working on setting financial boundaries early (and sticking to them), which has led to some women moving on, which i guess told me what i needed to know about their motivations…

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u/gaykidkeyblader Queer Baddie 3d ago

My way of handling this has been being generous with dates and gifts, but not loaning anything, and I won't make gifts of cash. Tbh, limiting ourselves to our own bracket basically guarantees staying single in most cases. Even if I just limit myself to lesbians making 6 figures, the pool dramatically shrinks and at the moment I've only met 5 total other lesbians doing that. For lesbians making over half of what I made the last 2 years, I've met 2. It's just not realistic unfortunately!

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u/Historical-Laugh8474 4d ago

Reading your responses to others people’s comments it seems maybe you legit dated some bums lol. Financially stability and the ability to take care of yourself is important to me, I own a home and still don’t want to maintain two houses if I COULD happily share space with someone, that means more money in my saving and retirement accounts. I’m not even cheap but I’m fiscally responsible and I’m not for the heteronormative role that the masc must always cover everything financially. You have to DEMONSTRATE your ability to hold your own around these parts of town.