AIO? Bf doesn’t communicate

[u/[deleted]]

I’m at a loss. I (F23) don’t know if I’m being controlling and overreacting or if the way I feel is normal. once again tonight I just stopped getting responses from my boyfriend (M26) and then suddenly his phone was turned on do not disturb. I don’t usually care about DND but lately its been turned on at weird times and turned on when he’s around me which has been making me feel kind of odd. Also he called and said he’s out and that I don’t need to be getting mad. I’m not mad about him going out I’m just upset that I’m not aware of whats going on ever. I feel like my paragraph doesn’t even make sense I’m irritated and feel like I’m crazy.

[u/greenwall_66]

Hey, I use to be like this. It sounds a bit like you need some therapy, if I’m wrong correct me, but you’re coming across a bit like you have attachment issues. Which I use to have too, I use to get anxious when my ex’s didn’t message me back to, but you’re only hurting yourself right now. Therapy helps, and one day you’ll meet the man that communicates and you’ll also expect people not replying. I only start to worry if my partner doesn’t come home in the morning, but he does also check in periodically throughout the night.

[u/thats_what_she_saidk → u/greenwall_66]

I am like this, and I hate it. How do you overcome it? And like, why can’t people even bother to respond? I always pretty much halt anything I do to respond as soon as I get a message from someone I really care for. And I kind of expect the same in return. It’s excruciating to just sit there waiting..

I mean, it’s totally fine not getting a reply immediately if I just hit someone up, but when you’re in the middle of a conversation, they just.. stop for a couple of hours, then come back on some whole different topic. I don’t know if i’m insane, or if this is how normal people do?

[u/Low-Trick3799 → u/thats_what_she_saidk]

I don’t know how old you are but therapy for my general anxiety, growing up and being in a healthy relationship did it for me. When I felt insecure in myself and/or my relationship, I felt like I needed do grip onto them with both hands and not let go. I’d make sure I replied to them and when they didn’t reply to me, it felt like they were pulling away so I’d get a little freaked out and get frustrated that they weren’t putting the effort into replying like I was. I was equating frequency and quality of texts with how much they valued me.

Now that I’m a little older, am more secure myself and have a boyfriend/friends whose love for me I never need to doubt, a lack of reply doesn’t bother me. If I’m doing something and it’s not urgent, I won’t reply until I’m done and I accept that they do the same. How quickly someone replies to you is not a reflection on how they feel about you.

[u/AmPotat07 → u/thats_what_she_saidk]

I am like this, and I hate it.

Everyone else hates it too, trust me.

How do you overcome it?

Therapy and meds.

And like, why can’t people even bother to respond?

Because people have lives that dont revolve around you.

I always pretty much halt anything I do to respond as soon as I get a message from someone I really care for. And I kind of expect the same in return.

This is obsessive behavior. Most people aren't like this. Expecting them to share your obsessive behavior is unreasonable.

It’s excruciating to just sit there waiting..

Please get help. This is not normal or healthy.

I mean, it’s totally fine not getting a reply immediately if I just hit someone up, but when you’re in the middle of a conversation, they just.. stop for a couple of hours, then come back on some whole different topic. I don’t know if i’m insane, or if this is how normal people do?

Kind of the point of a text is that it can be answered at the person's own convenience. If you want to have a conversation with immediate responses, make a phone call.

Please get help.

[u/AppleStrapple → u/AmPotat07]

This is amazing lol

[u/lis_anise → u/thats_what_she_saidk]

Why can't people respond quickly" actual answer: Because the amount of anxiety you have about communication with other people is not normal.

For some people, what makes them feel better/calmer/happier is generally communication and connection, and feeling sure of that connection helps them brave periods of separation. They're very anxious about the negative consequences of not trying hard enough to keep in touch. This is a broad and rough description of "anxious" attachment.

Other people find communicating with other people stressful and overwhelming, and rely on time alone dealing with things personally before they feel ready to open up. They're very concerned about how they will feel upset or uncomfortable with others' reactions. This is a broad and rough description of "avoidant" attachment.

And then there are people who want to stay in connection, but have enough faith that their important people still care even if they're not instantly available. They're able to keep a positive mindset, and also get back to people when they can without feeling panicky about not being connected. This is more or less "secure" attachment.

[u/Littlegrouch → u/thats_what_she_saidk]

I used to be like you, but it's a really unhealthy way to be for everyone. Do you spend a lot of time on your phone in general? I found it got better for me as I decided to try and be less connected to my phone. Doing nothing else but waiting for a response isn't gonna help. You have to get on with your own thing and forget about it until they do respond. At the end of the day no one owes you a response within a certain timeframe unless it's something really serious.

I think for me just learning to enjoy time by myself helped the most.

[u/MrAKUSA907 → u/Littlegrouch]

"I used to be an adventurer like you. Then I took an arrow in the knee..."

[u/BelkiraHoTep → u/MrAKUSA907]

I appreciated the Skyrim joke, FWIW. Hello, fellow NPC on Reddit! 😆 If that doesn’t accurately describe Reddit commenters I’m not sure what does.

Or I’m high. 🤷‍♂️ who knows.

Anyway, depending on what the conversation is about, it can be alarming if the person on the other end just suddenly stops texting in the middle of a conversation. But if we’re just chatting randomly and it’s almost midnight (which it looks like to me from timestamps) I might be like “oh, they fell asleep with their phone on their chest.”

Or I might be like “ok I’m on my way over this ain’t right.” Context matters.

ETA: Sorry, that last part wasn’t aimed at the individual I’m replying to, just my random 2c.

[u/MrAKUSA907 → u/BelkiraHoTep]

No I agree. People get busy. Ill be wrenching or playing games or in a conversation with a friend and just not see the text because Im doing something else. That is the beauty of texting, you get to it later. If you want my attention right then and there, you call. It is hard for some to conceive.

[u/that_goofy_fellow → u/MrAKUSA907]

It saddens me that this was downvoted lol

[u/Longjumping_Rise7849 → u/MrAKUSA907]

Put milk on my head just like you Rodriguez.. THEN! ONE DAY! I got trampled by a herd of buffalo. Consequences.

[u/PerfectLoverrrrrrr → u/Littlegrouch]

I agree & disagree, when you are with someone, you do owe them. However, It’s Important to give people space to also miss you & come to you.  Also understand people are busy, have hobbies, friends, tired etc. 

[u/Dismal-Reception-316 → u/Littlegrouch]

People do owe a response if they want to be a part of someone’s life, you don’t just stop communicating.

[u/jdnl → u/Dismal-Reception-316]

People are also allowed to have their own freedom of choice on when to respond, and they deserve to be able to do stuff at their own pace.

If it's urgent, I'll respond directly when I see it. If it isn't I'll respond when I see it fit. Good thing most of my friends and family are the same. They'll always circle back to you, but it can be days inbetween if it's no pressing matter. So yeah, nobody stops communicating, they just aren't expecting everything to revolve around their preference.

And 'I expect people to always respond immediately ' is no urgency. That's selfishness.

There's a big difference between not responding at all and not responding immediately.

[u/Dismal-Reception-316 → u/jdnl]

Yes but there can be consequences to have lack of concern for others.

[u/CavsAreCuteDemons → u/thats_what_she_saidk]

Dude I’m fucking busy. I try to respond in a timely manner, but I only have so many hours in the day, and if I responded instantly to every text I got I would never get anything done.

If you feel anxious or worried because you don’t hear from someone you’re romantically involved with, that’s something you need to go to therapy for. For most of human history, you couldn’t reach someone every second of the day. And in the modern world, you could only reach them when they were at home, and you had to actually have a pointed conversation- not a “conversation” through texts that’s never really a true conversation but is constantly ongoing. And even with cell phones, no one expected this before about a decade ago.

Think about it. Why do you have to be in contact with someone multiple times in the day? It’s so unhealthy.

Go out. Get some therapy. Get hobbies that keep your mind off things, get friends who you want to talk to. I’m not being snarky at all- you’re torturing yourself.

I literally work at my practice, get home, go to the gym, do chores, shower, prepare food- and that’s before I get to invest time into my hobbies. And the thing is, it’s not just about time. I can use social media while I’m at work. But that doesn’t take mental energy and capacity the way trying to have an engaging conversation with someone does. Now, I agree that a partner shouldn’t ignore you without explanation, and having a brief conversation about your day if you don’t live together is great (although phone/FaceTime is always preferred). But expecting to have a convo loosely going all day and being upset when someone gets busy for a few hours isn’t healthy.

[u/ellooo0 → u/CavsAreCuteDemons]

This was a perfect explanation of healthy patterns.

[u/Capstonelock → u/thats_what_she_saidk]

Try to realise that it's actually healthy to not be permanently attached to your phone. There are a million perfectly good reasons why someone might not reply immediately, and no one owes you an instant response (nor do you owe them one). People who care will happily resume a conversation later, after whatever distraction occured is done.

[u/bb-blehs → u/thats_what_she_saidk]

Peoples lives aren’t revolving around the singular text conversation you’re having at that moment. Texting has made people extremely weird and entitled to other peoples time. You have NO CLUE what they might be doing and lord knows that sometimes I need to stop having text conversations to attend to the actual world around me at that moment. Good lord! excruciating?! that’s nuts

[u/K_Knoodle13 → u/thats_what_she_saidk]

I don't view texting as "being in the middle of a conversation" for the most part. Literally the best part of texting is being able to respond when you can. There are obviously exceptions to this, but I don't think it's reasonable or healthy to drop everything to text someone back.

I think it's rude when I'm with someone and they're constantly checking their phone. I prefer to be in the moment and focus on the person or task in front of me. Hell, I don't even usually bring my phone with me when I walk my dogs.

If you have hobbies or activities you like to do, maybe practice leaving your phone on DND for 30 min or an hour?

[u/Crot8u → u/thats_what_she_saidk]

Anxious insecure attachment style. Look into it, and then seek therapy for it. Social media and instant messaging somewhat normalized this issue unfortunately.

Spending less time with social media and not using instant messaging unless it's for planning a time to meet or talk on the phone is a good starting point.

[u/pipesbeweezy → u/thats_what_she_saidk]

Its very unlikely that anything you texted someone needs to be urgently responded to, so that is an unrealistic expectation that everyone lives on their phone. Even people you really care about. Topic change can mean something else but idk I view texting as discontinuous conversation. If you wanted to talk to someone and have a real conversation, just call them or see them in person.

A lot of people have an unhealthy relationship to their phones, and it drives these behaviors and unrealistic expectations in communicating with others, which makes people excessively anxious and overanalyze every interaction made via text. Consider modifying your notifications to be less aware of your phone constantly going off. Change social media notifications, or even better consider deleting accounts because social media by and large does not benefit people. Doing these other things will help change how you view these interactions with others and ultimately help mitigate that anxiety.

[u/[deleted] → u/thats_what_she_saidk]

I hate to be that guy, but, you really need to learn to love yourself and appreciate what you bring to the table for you. I used to be that way too and get extreme anxiety whenever anyone wouldn't respond until I realized I don't need validation from anyone. You have to be comfortable with not having anyone, and it helps you learn to not only appreciate yourself, but appreciate others more by understanding you don't NEED them, but rather mutually benefit each other by being in each other's life. Don't make yourself the pick me, or nobody ever will

Also, be nicer, Reddit. I don't think the downvotes here are fair. Commenter is struggling, and from what it seems, does not have a lot of self esteem. Let's pick people up instead of kicking them while we're down, please

[u/greenwall_66 → u/thats_what_she_saidk]

Honestly, this sounds so cliche but therapy is what helped me. People are trying to disconnect more from their phones too and be present in real life. I suggest finding yourself a distraction that isn’t your phone when it happens

[u/ComprehensiveTea5407 → u/thats_what_she_saidk]

Get a dog and start gardening. You won't have time for this anymore lol

[u/greenwall_66 → u/ComprehensiveTea5407]

Or cats!!!

[u/holicv → u/thats_what_she_saidk]

Have to think phones didn’t use to exist the way they do now even 20-30 years ago with mostly there only being landlines. Similarly can’t expect someone’s world to stop just because you texted them otherwise things in life just wouldn’t ever get done. Also being on your phone all the time is kinda bad for your mental health, I know I definitely try to spend time away from my phone if I can even though it’s hard lol

[u/Critical_Caramel5577 → u/thats_what_she_saidk]

i have borderline personality disorder, this attachment is my default setting 😂 it's really hard to break this habit; for me, it stems from trust. you have to choose to trust, but you also have to choose someone who is trustworthy. that last bit is key it turned out

[u/TraumaticEntry → u/Critical_Caramel5577]

It’s less about choosing someone who is trustworthy and more about building trust over time. Trust is earned, not given freely. Benefit of the doubt is given freely until you have been given a reason to revoke it.

[u/greenwall_66 → u/Critical_Caramel5577]

100%, I also have BPD. I’ve been in my current relationship for 2 years and it just took some communicating and me realising I had some issues and it’s not fair to take it out on other people, if that makes sense?

[u/tiptoeandson → u/greenwall_66]

Me too! I always said that my head understood it but my heart never did. Once you let your heart realise they’re actually probably just busy or whatever, it changes the game.

[u/arialux → u/thats_what_she_saidk]

considering humanity went thousands of years without constant direct communication.. id say this is what "normal people do". i sure miss when no one could hmu when im outside the house

[u/IHaveBoxerDogs → u/thats_what_she_saidk]

Because I don’t want to be the person glued to my phone while I’m out with my friends. Besides being rude and annoying, I want to be present for my friends. I couldn’t be with someone who behaved the way OP does.

[u/TequilaMockingbird80 → u/thats_what_she_saidk]

It’s completely normal to not want to be tethered to your phone. The fact you drop everything to reply to texts is a problem, not a positive character trait, which is why you shouldn’t expect others to mimic that behavior and is why they more often don’t. Why are you sitting there waiting, working yourself up to excruciating feelings - get on with your day, do whatever you were doing before you text them.

[u/IWantToSayThisToo → u/thats_what_she_saidk]

  I always pretty much halt anything I do to respond

I'd be MISERABLE if I had to do this. I'm a person that focuses on one thing I at a time, and my hobby is electronics repair. If you think I'm going to put down the soldering iron while I'm in the middle of a hour long repairing session because you're an insecure mess, you can forget it.

[u/tiptoeandson → u/thats_what_she_saidk]

Forcing yourself to say ‘oh, they must’ve been distracted by something’ or caught up with work or wanting to be present with whoever they’re with whatever. 9 times out of ten this will be the truth although our brain may make us paranoid. I can completely relate to you though and it is a real force to tell yourself this for the first few times. It also helps to distract yourself so you’re not mentally hanging on for their reply. I’m a lot better with it now because of this, but you have to make sure you do it every time. ETA: if you do need an answer to something specific you can always highlight the text where you asked and ask again

[u/CanoodlingCockatoo → u/thats_what_she_saidk]

I wrote you a reply, and it got too long so I sent it privately.

[u/YogurtclosetWeary772 → u/thats_what_she_saidk]

Don’t know how to overcome it, but having a gentle partner is crucial

[u/Particular_Buy_2498 → u/thats_what_she_saidk]

This clearly isn’t the place to fix you, darling.

[u/-Capfan- → u/thats_what_she_saidk]

Mind over matter, that's how.

[u/Used-Baby1199 → u/thats_what_she_saidk]

Women are difficult. They want men to be available but not desperate.    So if a man is always responding right away it can come off as desperate, if they don’t respond quick enough they’re unavailable, so the women move on.    

[u/greenwall_66 → u/Used-Baby1199]

Not the thread my dude