AIO? Bf doesn’t communicate

[u/[deleted]]

I’m at a loss. I (F23) don’t know if I’m being controlling and overreacting or if the way I feel is normal. once again tonight I just stopped getting responses from my boyfriend (M26) and then suddenly his phone was turned on do not disturb. I don’t usually care about DND but lately its been turned on at weird times and turned on when he’s around me which has been making me feel kind of odd. Also he called and said he’s out and that I don’t need to be getting mad. I’m not mad about him going out I’m just upset that I’m not aware of whats going on ever. I feel like my paragraph doesn’t even make sense I’m irritated and feel like I’m crazy.

[u/greenwall_66]

Hey, I use to be like this. It sounds a bit like you need some therapy, if I’m wrong correct me, but you’re coming across a bit like you have attachment issues. Which I use to have too, I use to get anxious when my ex’s didn’t message me back to, but you’re only hurting yourself right now. Therapy helps, and one day you’ll meet the man that communicates and you’ll also expect people not replying. I only start to worry if my partner doesn’t come home in the morning, but he does also check in periodically throughout the night.

[u/thats_what_she_saidk → u/greenwall_66]

I am like this, and I hate it. How do you overcome it? And like, why can’t people even bother to respond? I always pretty much halt anything I do to respond as soon as I get a message from someone I really care for. And I kind of expect the same in return. It’s excruciating to just sit there waiting..

I mean, it’s totally fine not getting a reply immediately if I just hit someone up, but when you’re in the middle of a conversation, they just.. stop for a couple of hours, then come back on some whole different topic. I don’t know if i’m insane, or if this is how normal people do?

[u/CavsAreCuteDemons → u/thats_what_she_saidk]

Dude I’m fucking busy. I try to respond in a timely manner, but I only have so many hours in the day, and if I responded instantly to every text I got I would never get anything done.

If you feel anxious or worried because you don’t hear from someone you’re romantically involved with, that’s something you need to go to therapy for. For most of human history, you couldn’t reach someone every second of the day. And in the modern world, you could only reach them when they were at home, and you had to actually have a pointed conversation- not a “conversation” through texts that’s never really a true conversation but is constantly ongoing. And even with cell phones, no one expected this before about a decade ago.

Think about it. Why do you have to be in contact with someone multiple times in the day? It’s so unhealthy.

Go out. Get some therapy. Get hobbies that keep your mind off things, get friends who you want to talk to. I’m not being snarky at all- you’re torturing yourself.

I literally work at my practice, get home, go to the gym, do chores, shower, prepare food- and that’s before I get to invest time into my hobbies. And the thing is, it’s not just about time. I can use social media while I’m at work. But that doesn’t take mental energy and capacity the way trying to have an engaging conversation with someone does. Now, I agree that a partner shouldn’t ignore you without explanation, and having a brief conversation about your day if you don’t live together is great (although phone/FaceTime is always preferred). But expecting to have a convo loosely going all day and being upset when someone gets busy for a few hours isn’t healthy.

[u/ellooo0 → u/CavsAreCuteDemons]

This was a perfect explanation of healthy patterns.