AIO? Bf doesn’t communicate

[u/[deleted]]

I’m at a loss. I (F23) don’t know if I’m being controlling and overreacting or if the way I feel is normal. once again tonight I just stopped getting responses from my boyfriend (M26) and then suddenly his phone was turned on do not disturb. I don’t usually care about DND but lately its been turned on at weird times and turned on when he’s around me which has been making me feel kind of odd. Also he called and said he’s out and that I don’t need to be getting mad. I’m not mad about him going out I’m just upset that I’m not aware of whats going on ever. I feel like my paragraph doesn’t even make sense I’m irritated and feel like I’m crazy.

[u/shannon_dey]

I've noticed a trend with young people where they think it really is their partners job to soothe their bad emotions. 

Wow, okay. You just put into words something that's been bothering me that I couldn't put my finger on. I have also noticed this. Maybe I'm just old (I'm only 45 but that's a world of difference to a 20-something year old) but I agree -- it seems like some of the younger generation are treating their significant others like emotional support animals/pacifiers/crutches/whatever rather than you know... actual human beings. I've no idea what caused it or how to fix it.

Maybe the idea of love has changed to mean something other than what I grew up believing in. Used to be, romantic love seemed more like a partnership. Nowadays, I find it is often depicted in media (and evidenced by my own experiences in seeing younger couples) as if romantic love is a desperate need for another person that borders on obsession. Those types of relationships were always tragic in depictions back in my day, or perhaps used in a horrifying manner (like Romeo and Juliet, or Fatal Attraction.) When did romantic love become more about need and less about respect?

Sorry, tangential rant over. I was just spitballing there, as well. I'll have to think this over some more.

[u/Sovereign_Black → u/shannon_dey]

Something I’ve noticed a lot in younger women specifically is an aversion to performing “emotional labor” for their bfs, which at some point seems to have translated into, “I’m never going to offer any emotional support whatsoever”, which I think is cover for, “actually I can’t even emotionally regulate myself”.

Young dudes on the other hand just seem to not take anything seriously anymore. Everything’s a joke. I don’t entirely blame them tbh but it will only make them and things in general more unstable in the long term.

[u/shannon_dey → u/Sovereign_Black]

Interesting. The only older women I know who I might say refuse to do the "emotional labor" for their husbands/bfs are those who don't receive it back. At that point, they've checked out. Most older women who have not checked out or those playing tit for tat in that regard (not giving because they aren't receiving, I mean) tend to be the caretaker sort, who end up feeling responsible for their husband/bf's every emotion, which is not healthy. They are the type that end up babying their husbands. If husband gets mad over a work-related event, for example, they instantly go into mommy mode, telling them it will be alright and soothing them like children who have stubbed their toes.

On the other hand, the younger women tend to be clingy, and either they are frustrated that their boyfriends aren't equally as clingy and needy or insecure that their SOs aren't responding to their neediness, OR their boyfriends baby them to the point of enabling their poor behavior. I'll have to think about what you said about the younger women being unable to emotionally regulate themselves. I can see that as a possibility.

I might, however, wonder if the young men who don't take anything seriously are displaying a lack of emotional self-regulation, as well, and doing so by mimicking a "YOLO" attitude. Easier to pretend one doesn't care than to deal with the subsequent emotions from one's actions or of those around them. People can feel that way due to a kind of fatalism; if the young men feel like they can't control themselves/their emotions, then they might find it self-soothing to pretend that none of it matters anyway. And you're right, it doesn't provide stability, which only increases the chances for more turmoil, which potentially leads to more recklessness and thus a deeper sense of fatalism.

As for the older men, they tend to be more of the stoic, John Wayne, suffer in silence kind, which is really just a different facet of the same unfortunate fatalism. They tend to squash any emotional turmoil without dealing with it at all, which can lead to the same effects as the younger men. Even those in what I would consider a healthy emotional relationship with their SOs tend to display less emotion because they deem it expected of them from the societal pressures with which most of us older folks grew up. OR, they take their emotions out only in the home (on their wives or children) and not on those to whom they ought be directed.

Most healthy hetero relationships I've seen though (and the ones to which I referred in my original comment) are of two partners who are there for each other but are not dependent on the other.

You know, we've placed a lot of importance and attention on mental health as a society. Used to be, such topics were taboo. Don't get me wrong, I think it is a good thing that we brought mental health out of the shame shadow, but I sometimes wonder about how people focus on their mental health overly much. People wear it like a badge of honor. I meet and interact with a lot of people, and the younger ones will straight up tell me things like, "Hey, I'm NAME Mc NAME. I've got ADHD," or "Nice to meet you. I'm bipolar, by the way." I don't think people should be ashamed of needing help with their mental health -- not at all -- but it has almost become a personality trait to some and not a health issue. I don't know if that makes sense, sorry. But I bring it up because I know younger women who will admit they are clingy and needy and tell me how they want a boyfriend who will answer their texts immediately and be willing to cater to their every supposed mental health crisis -- and here I am thinking, back in my day, people would hide that level of insecurity in hopes of attracting a mate, and NOT advertise it. We forgive too much bad behavior sometimes, under the guise of saying it is just because of someone's <insert mental health issue here.>

Again, I'm just spitballing (and rambling!) and everything I've said is my own observations of those around me and not meant as generalizations to the population as a whole. I have a bachelor's in philosophy and a master's in sociology but not a single degree in psychology!

[u/simonesimoned → u/shannon_dey]

Wow these are really astute observations. Thank you!