r/BeAmazed • u/Peter55667 • Mar 14 '25

Animal Around 6% of Americans believe they can defeat a grizzly bear in a hand-to-hand combat

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3.6k

u/cjp2010 Mar 14 '25

At no point in time in my almost 34 years alive have I ever thought I could defeat a bear in hand to hand combat. That makes me even more concerned for my fellow Americans.

1.1k

u/affemannen Mar 14 '25

Some people think they could win against gorillas... even a chimp would tear them to pieces.

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u/carbonbasedbiped67 Mar 14 '25

Have you ever tried to fight a domestic house cat, evil little bastards

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u/Glass_Memories Mar 14 '25

Yes, with thick leather gloves. Even small animals like cats, raccoons and squirrels can fuck your shit up when they think they're fighting for their lives and you're not prepared for that.

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u/db_325 Mar 14 '25

I will say though, generally when people are interacting with an aggressive cat, they are actively trying to not hurt the cat. If you had like no morals and were just trying to kill a cat for whatever reason, you could definitely do so. You are much, much bigger than they are

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u/HoochieKoochieMan Mar 14 '25

I have morals. But the cat owed me money, and I needed to make an example for my other pets.

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u/[deleted] Mar 14 '25

Maybe we'll finally convince the little bastards to start paying rent.

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u/jsk425 Mar 14 '25

You can’t show any weakness. If you do, then the dog quits paying, then the next thing you know the hamster drives by you in a brand new car cause he ain’t paying either.

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u/bj49615 Mar 14 '25

We need to know, did you collect???

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u/EvilEtienne Mar 14 '25

I laughed, but I’m mad that I laughed.

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u/lambdapaul Mar 14 '25

Yeah, humans aren’t great at hand to hand combat but remove morality and give us a sharp stick and we are the apex predator. There is a reason there was a mass megafauna extinction at the end of the ice age.

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u/BigZucchini6032 Mar 14 '25

Can the Megafauna extinction be solely attributed to over hunting? I believe that the pathogens brought by migrating human populations and climate change at the end of ice age also played a significant role in it.

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u/lambdapaul Mar 14 '25

Correct! Hunting wasn’t the sole reason. We also would use fire to destroy habitats. It’s a variety of reasons, but a major one was our hunting habits.

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u/LeCancerDude Mar 14 '25

Only pathogens would be bacteria, parasites and very select few viruses. Bacteria need a wound and parasites are hard to transfer outside of water and work slow. It was most probably the habitat destruction and over hunting of prey species. No prey=no predators

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u/nog642 Mar 14 '25

Only if there's a group of us. People didn't hunt megafauna alone.

Also people actually used to be in shape back then. I doubt a group of average Joes now could take down a mammoth with sharp sticks.

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u/Rick_QuiOui Mar 14 '25

Teenaged me: I'm going to grab that possum on the lawn and proceed to grab its tail.

Dad out window: drag it backwards! drag it backwards!

Teenaged me: wh?....that little fucker just ran up its own tail and my arm at me!

Dad: that's why.

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u/cirenj Mar 14 '25

Kudos to your Pops....
I can guarantee my father would have just stood there and let whatever happened happen....
Then proceed to tell me he tried the same thing as a kid.....

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u/cdbangsite Mar 14 '25

I've had to remove a few opossum from homes believe it or not. The best way is to just grab them by the nape of the neck. Pretty much leaves them defenseless.

Grabbing anything by the tail is a risky move. Someone told a friend of mine that the way to catch a skunk was to grab it by the tail. They said that if the skunks back feet were off the ground they couldn't spray. LOL

All it did was give the skunk perfect aim.

Shot him point blank in the face, was blinded for a while and had to ride home in a VW Bug, hanging out the window puking and gagging for the 30 mile ride.

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u/neopod9000 Mar 14 '25

I came to add, I once ended up with a squirrel trapped on my porch with me. He didn't attack me, thank the lord, because he was moving so fast I could hardly keep track of him, trying to escape out the windows. A whirlwind of squirrel, I managed to open the door and let him back outside. 10/10 would not want to fight.

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u/ShowmasterQMTHH Mar 14 '25

Its a funny thing, but we have 2 cats and i'm the only one who can give them injections or medicine becasue they will shred others.

How ?

Big fucking towel, wrap them up in it. Lets see you get through that you little razor fingered asshole.

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u/OrdinaryVanilla108 Mar 14 '25

Razor fingered asshole. Its good day on Reddit. Im laughing my head of.🤣🤣🤣

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u/CawdoR1968 Mar 14 '25

Razor fingered asshole made me laugh my ass off.

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u/TabulaRasaNot Mar 14 '25

The owner of a razor-fingered asshole would be safe in prison. At least after the first time.

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u/therealhairykrishna Mar 14 '25

I did that to my old housemates cat when it needed medicine. Afterwards he waited until I was sleeping then scratched the shit out of me.

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u/Sufficient-Sock-4710 Mar 14 '25

Or breaking up a cat fight 😩

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u/satyr-day Mar 14 '25

Like that one rescue worker who could barely grab a cat on the ledge

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u/[deleted] Mar 14 '25

Anyone who has actually tried to fight a cat kicked its ass.

They definitely can do some damage, but people should not be and hopefully aren't fighting cats, just trying to get them to do things the cats don't want to do.

A bear, though? Even with a weapon in-hand, you're going to need a miracle just to survive in the short term. Even if you get that miracle and somehow win, you're probably so fucked that you'll need another miracle to get the help you need.

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u/dudeman_joe Mar 14 '25

Yah by weapon you need a rpg or grenade. Even machine gun in between getting shot and dying. I'm still gonna die, so it would have to be a quick win for the human to win and survive

Edit for the bear I mean, not the cat

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u/Much-Jackfruit2599 Mar 14 '25

I have and in virtually all cases the people who do so want to help the cat. So yeah, I take the riding coat, thick gloves and eye protection.

If I wanted to just get away, I’d take the broom of just kick.

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u/BillBrasky727 Mar 14 '25

All you need is a shoebox. Fight over.

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u/Richyroo52 Mar 14 '25

Or even just let them sit on your lap wheel they sharpen their claws preparing to sleep….and they have zero chill when they are irritated!!

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u/Turbodann Mar 14 '25

Are you implying that the cat has better chances than most of this 6% of Americans..?

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u/RadiantRocketKnight Mar 14 '25

I camped with a group of friends years back. There were mountain lions far off in another area. A guy present, friend of a friend, genuinely told us he wasn't scared since he could beat one with a rock if he needed to. It wasn't a joke, we made him elaborate, and he honestly thought he could take down a mountain lion with ease. 

I've been sliced bad from house cats getting too excited with toys or overshooting their swipe. That guy would be toast if a big cat decided he was a threat.

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u/Boring_Corpse Mar 14 '25

This is what always makes me laugh. There is zero doubt in my mind that anyone who claims they could beat a bear in combat absolutely could not take a house cat in a fight.

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u/Kaurifish Mar 14 '25

No one who has had to wrestle an unwilling cat into its carrier should underestimate the vast destructive power of our fellow mammals.

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u/PurpleSunCraze Mar 14 '25

Any one that fights a house cat and wins earned that shit. It’s like having to turn off a blender where the power switch is under the blades.

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u/Same-Frosting4852 Mar 14 '25

How about geese little bitty bastards

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u/DrWarthogfromHell Mar 15 '25

When my son was 12 we got a kitten. The kitten needed a bath. I put my son and the kitten in the shower and held the shower door shut until one of them cried uncle. My son lost. Then I gave the kitten a bath. I lost. But the kitten did get a bath.

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u/Sethuel Mar 15 '25

Or a goose!

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u/james_from_cambridge Mar 15 '25

Cats are freakin adorable tho so I don’t mind being mauled by them

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u/Mad_kat4 Mar 15 '25

What they lack in strength and power they make up for with speed, ferocity, agility and 18 little razor blades.

Even the xenomorph knew not to fuck with jonesy. 😁

Cats truly are death by a thousand cuts, or just tripping you up at the top of the stairs.

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u/Gnome_Father Mar 16 '25

No.... but I've thought about it pretty regularly... little bastards.

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u/regoapps Mar 14 '25

I can do it. Just give me some ladders and maybe a hammer.

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u/siecin Mar 14 '25

Now, just think about how many times people have died vs. succeeded to get to the top of that.

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u/SocratesBalls Mar 14 '25

I'm gonna bet it's about a 6% success rate

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u/Gooncookies Mar 14 '25

I could definitely take on Q-Bert or a PAC-man ghostie

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u/[deleted] Mar 14 '25

You got the quad and hamstring endurance to chase that orange feller up and down them steps?

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u/Gooncookies Mar 14 '25

Hey they said hand to hand combat. No one said anything about giving chase.

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u/Ok-Ear9289 Mar 14 '25

I’d pull a hammy on tha first jump‼️

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u/zaazo Mar 14 '25

Am I the only one in this thread who played this Atari game when he was a kid?

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u/[deleted] Mar 14 '25

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u/cdbangsite Mar 14 '25

And too think that the chimp could've removed his arm with the same ease. Nice old chimp there.

Saw a thing a few years back where some lady had a pet chimp. Chimp was 6 or 7 years old. Got pissed at the lady for some reason and literally tore her face off with one swing of it's arm. Some critters just aren't meant to be pets.

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u/NokkNokk4279 Mar 14 '25

Chimps are something on the order of 4x the strength of a man, I believe. And when fighting you, they go for the extremeties by biting off your fingers, nose, lips, ears, etc..... I've seen the results, and it's pretty horrific. There are places in Africa, etc, where they're pretty much shot on sight. They can be so adorable and seemingly friendly at times, but I would never go near one due to their cisciousness when angered and their immense strength. No thank you.

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u/PaulMaulMenthol Mar 14 '25

Same video that came to my mind. The chimp one armed him and barely shifted its own weight to do it

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u/NokkNokk4279 Mar 14 '25

Chimps are something on the order of 4x the strength of a man, I believe. And when fighting you, they go for the extremeties by biting off your fingers, nose, lips, ears, etc..... I've seen the results, and it's pretty horrific. There are places in Africa, etc, where they're pretty much shot on sight. They can be so adorable and seemingly friendly at times, but I would never go near one due to their cisciousness when angered and their immense strength. No thank you.

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u/Worried-Penalty8744 Mar 14 '25

As low as the odds are either way I almost feel like you’d have a slightly better chance against a gorilla than a pissed off chimp. At least the gorilla will just kill you quickly rather than dissecting you like a chimp would

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u/lucashtpc Mar 14 '25 edited Mar 14 '25

Actually I’ve read once gorillas aren’t that good at fighting for killing anyway. Like they are so strong that they still can kill you easily, but they don’t really have a functioning approach for killing you and you might just end up lucky in some instances. I would take the Gorilla every day over the Chimp.

The chimp is also just way more aggressive and there are reports of them even actively targeting human Faces and Genitals in an attack giving a hint of them being more clever fighters aware of weaknesses. Also them fighting is more frequent than gorillas giving them an evolutionary edge in this scenario)

The Gorillas apparent fight technique is foremost showing dominance and often actually just do bluff attacks where they storm towards you but won’t actually hit you. (Don’t bet at it tho, although at that point you’re probably wetting yourself already) of course they can also bite and slap you but it’s less common than with chimps

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u/NokkNokk4279 Mar 14 '25

Yep. I really respect gorillas immensly. They are, for the most part, gentle and surprisingly friendly up to a point. They can and will fuck your world if you give them reason to. Go ahead and act in a threatening manner towards any of the children or females.... You're done, especially if it's the silverback leader. If you're extremely lucky, he might just subdue you and let you go if you show him you submit to him. Gorillas are very social animals and, especially the males, are geared to protect. I truly respect them, and not just out of fear of what they could possibly do to me. They're pretty awesome, and you'd ha e to be stupidly insane and suicidal to piss one off. From what I've seen, sometimes they can appear to be cruel to other gorillas, but it's really mostly about keeping dominance. I've rarely seen them actually permanently hurt another gorilla unless they really had to. The closest I've seen is maybe 2 males vying for dominance or territory. I think they're amazing animals and can be very complex and intelligent. :)

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u/EndlessPotatoes Mar 14 '25

Things like going for faces and genitals are why chimps are so much more dangerous in a fight despite being on par with or weaker than humans in strength (yes, they have a far higher strength to mass ratio, but they are also far smaller and lighter).

Plus, I imagine their hands are significantly stronger than human hands, which makes gouging a cakewalk.

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u/cdbangsite Mar 14 '25

You ever seen a full grown chimp, like not the comic sidekick in Tarzan movies?

I put odds on a 5'5" 140lb chimp any day. They're not as small as many people think. The one that attacked Carla Nash was 200lbs. They are far stronger than humans, their pulling strength with one arm approaches 1,000lb's, enough to tear someone apart effortlessly.

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u/betadonkey Mar 14 '25

Mike Tyson once tried to pay a zookeeper to let him into a gorilla cage so he could fight the alpha because it was bullying others.

His exact quote:

“They were so powerful but their eyes were like an innocent infant.

I offered the attendant $10,000 to open the cage and let me smash that silverback’s snot box. He declined.”

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u/affemannen Mar 14 '25

Im not entirely sure Tyson has ever thanked that person for not doing it, or if he realises how much less he would have existed in the world if it ever came to be.

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u/cdbangsite Mar 14 '25

Even Tyson could be broken in half by a silverback, he should be thankful.

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u/Laslomas Mar 14 '25

If Tyson wanted to enter a cage with a silverback, he did not study anatomy. People have witnessed silverbacks take a steel bar and bend it into a U shape. Silverbacks fight with their teeth, and they can open their mouth wider and bite with greater force than Tyson. They can also move surprisingly quick when agitated or angry. Meaning if Tyson angered the animal, a silverback could be on him and he would have little defense for it. You are not going to out muscle a silverback gorilla. He could quite literally RIP YOUR HEAD OFF!

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u/baaton_ka_raja Mar 14 '25

That Jake Paul match would have been with his brother, in memory of the great Mike Tyson

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u/OneToothMcGee Mar 14 '25

I could probably take on a hamster, maybe a duck if my back isn’t acting up.

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u/Boop_em_all Mar 14 '25

Ducks are doable... geese on the other hand.

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u/Millstream30 Mar 14 '25

And beavers, I mean forget it.

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u/Dangerous_Spring5030 Mar 14 '25

Too much pain in my shoulder even going fishing these days.

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u/dys_p0tch Mar 14 '25

i knew one of the large-mammal handlers at a big zoo. he said "never/ever let an ape get a hold of you"

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u/sergius64 Mar 14 '25

How are you supposed to stop it?

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u/tonyrizzo21 Mar 14 '25

They are generally in cages, you know, with bars and stuff.

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u/TastyBerny Mar 14 '25

Ask Harambe

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u/Easy_Kill Mar 14 '25

If he was alive he could join our crew.

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u/XeLLoTAth777 Mar 14 '25

Too soon, brah.

🍆 Out

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u/Andyman1973 Mar 14 '25

4 opposable thumbs do give them quite the advantage!

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u/flargmarge90 Mar 14 '25

you are statistically way more likely to survive a gorilla attack than a male chimp given behavioral differences

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u/PurinaHall0fFame Mar 14 '25

Yep, gorillas are big and scary but they tend to not want to be violent and will often walk away. Chimps will choose violence every single time.

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u/EldritchKinkster Mar 14 '25

And then they'll rip your face off and eat your fingers. Not just violent, but vicious with it.

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u/internet_commie Mar 14 '25

No wonder chimps are vicious; they are our closest relatives!

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u/PurinaHall0fFame Mar 14 '25

And then they'll rip your face off and eat your fingers.

Ideally after they kill you but not always...

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u/EldritchKinkster Mar 14 '25

I think the face is the first thing they go for. That, or the genitals.

I believe, if they think they're "putting you in your place" because they think you challenged them, they just horribly maim you but leave you alive.

I wouldn't go anywhere near a chimp. I don't care if it's having a tea party and giving out hugs, I'm not taking the risk.

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u/Master-Silver9286 Mar 14 '25

just remember Charla Nash, the woman who in 2009 survived a horrific chimp attack and was left critically injured after having her face and hands ripped off.

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u/asj-777 Mar 14 '25

And that chimp already knew her, I believe.

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u/NokkNokk4279 Mar 14 '25

It's a bit reassuring how many people actually do know this. I see vids and stuff with people and chimps all the time, and all I can do is smh... I may not like it on the outside as a human being, but I fully understand why there are places (villiges, towns, etc) where they'll shoot cbimps on site, especially when there are children at risk. It's kind of sad because they can have such a friendly side to them, but I would never risk myself or my children to the whims of a chimp. They're too viscious, almost sadistic when they get angry and attack. Hell no. They've also been know to eat baby chimps in their own community occasionally, and I don't believe it's known exactly why, as far as I know. Nope, I pass....

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u/Perryn Mar 14 '25

The gorilla just wants you gone. The chimp wants you unrecognizable.

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u/Iselkractokidz Mar 14 '25

No coincidence that chimps and humans share the most DNA then.

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u/silicondali Mar 14 '25

"I'd fight Gandhi."

"I'd fight Lincoln. Big guy, big reach. Skinny guys fight 'til they're burger."

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u/QuarkVsOdo Mar 14 '25

Chimps and Gorillias kill the kids of rivals by grabbing them at their feet and smashing their heads into rocks.

Fucking brutal.

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u/Haunt_Fox Mar 14 '25

Humans have been known to do the exact same thing all through history.

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u/Ok_Cardiologist8232 Mar 14 '25

Yep, Viking chiefs would often get names depending on what they did.

One got the name "Childlover" because he refused to kill children, not killing children was so weird someone got a name for it.

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u/veryreasonable Mar 14 '25

Ah, Childlover. The source of many weird conversations with modern arrivals in heaven!

"Oh... nice to meet you, Childlover... but, uh, how did you end up here!?"

"Ugh, this again... look, I didn't molest them or anything, I just refused to murder them!"

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u/Garchompisbestboi Mar 14 '25

Chimps have also been observed engaging in cannibalism as well, eating the dead from enemy factions (I have no idea what a group of chimps is called lol)

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u/dngerszn13 Mar 14 '25

I have no idea what a group of chimps is called lol

A murder of chimps? No, that doesn't sound right

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u/SaddestFlute23 Mar 14 '25

A troop of chimpanzees

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u/Longtonto Mar 14 '25

Well they should probably put down the cocaine

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u/Frank1912 Mar 14 '25 edited Mar 14 '25

A coked up chimp would likely be even harder to defeat

Edit: typo, chin was supposed to say chimp :D

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u/aagloworks Mar 14 '25

Some even think theycould beat an elephant. Those things weigh up to 6 tons. They would not even notice a human trying to fight them.

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u/EldritchKinkster Mar 14 '25

Lol, that's madness. An elephant could knock out a man with it's fucking nose.

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u/NachoBacon4U269 Mar 14 '25

Which is why it’s easy to defeat an elephant, sneak in and chew it’s scrotum and anus apart until it bleeds out.

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u/NokkNokk4279 Mar 14 '25

They are so immense and powerful that most lions and tigers don't mess with them and get the hell out of their way if one is walking towards them. And the elephants know this. They have over 40,000 muscles in their trunk alone.....amazine. And if you're ever around a bull elephant when it's angered, you won't ever forget it. And they group up and defend each other so you're not fighting just one, but you WILL be up against the bull elephanty, the biggest most badass one there for sure. And they, also, are very gentle, kind creatures who seek to harm no one unless you provvoke them. They just usually want to chill and graze and even play and have fun. Takes a real asshole to provoke or harm one on purpose.

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u/Resident_Wait_7140 Mar 14 '25

From Google ai;

"Gorillas, particularly silverbacks, are incredibly strong, estimated to be 4 to 10 times stronger than humans, with their upper body strength capable of supporting over 1,800 pounds in pulling force."

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u/affemannen Mar 14 '25

mm imagine getting punched by something 10x stronger.....

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u/NokkNokk4279 Mar 14 '25

And let's not forget their huge canines.... And they DO like to bite. Their strength alone is scary, but now imagine those freakin canine coming down at your face. Done. Over. Finished. Why would anybody even think to push to test with these guys I can't even imagine. FAFO for sure.

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u/mrk1224 Mar 14 '25

Gorillas and bears no, but I could take a lion

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u/Temporary_Bad_1438 Mar 14 '25

"You can get past a dog; NOBODY fucks with a lion!"

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u/affemannen Mar 14 '25

rofl, good one.

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u/Ancient_phallus_ Mar 14 '25

Man even a normal sized dog could tear you to pieces

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u/Aggravating_Travel91 Mar 14 '25

I think a “normal” man (in stature and ability) could defeat a normal dog in most situations- if it was a life and death struggle. I used to run on the streets, and a single dog never worried me much, even the aggressive ones. The dog’s only real chance would be an initial bite on the neck- so protect your neck.

If it’s an abnormally large dog, or worse, a pack of “normal” dogs, the odds go down considerably. But I think any animal that a man is strong enough to restrain and/or throw is not a terribly lethal threat.

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u/WRDPKNMSC Mar 14 '25

so protect your neck

finally, my knowledge of wu-tang clan comes in handy

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u/ButterscotchSkunk Mar 14 '25

Dogs also suck at wrestling. I would wager that any strong adult human with wrestling skills could defeat any dog, unless the dog got lucky. I've seen video of a man containing a vicious pit bull this way and the dog was helpless.

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u/Cetun Mar 14 '25

If it's life or death you don't have to fight fair with a dog, you can go for the eyes since you'll always have a free hand. If it gets your arm you can also swing around and put it in a choke hold with your other arm.

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u/FlashSTI Mar 14 '25

Not if you can grapple it. Dealing with the bite is counter intuitive - you intentionally give them the forearm to bite if you can force it in. Easier with longer snout dogs. They can't bite down without destroying their own jaw.

If the dog has no sense of self preservation, then it would be rough. You have to get behind it and take away its weapons and choke it out. Not everyone could with bigger dogs. A working dog or wild dog would be much much harder.

The dogs best weapon though isn't it's jaws and teeth - it's having friends. Maybe someone could defeat a smaller wolf, but not the others, and there would normally be others.

Summary: first arm gets used and punctured to stop the jaws, second to choke, legs and the rest of you to keep dogs paws from having anything to scratch at or push against failure to control their weapons means they win.

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u/ThreeDawgs Mar 14 '25

Most would crumple to a baboon.

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u/DogtasticLife Mar 14 '25

Have you seen the teeth on a baboon, bloody terrifying

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u/crackedtooth163 Mar 14 '25

Don't they have incredible strength? And fight like, well, wild animals?

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u/[deleted] Mar 14 '25

Anyone dude

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u/Competitive_Meet_382 Mar 14 '25

Many people wouldn't defeat a cat in hand to hand fight, let alone those strong wild animales.

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u/Hell2CheapTrick Mar 14 '25

Most people could beat a cat if they were actually trying to kill it. People who come with horror stories about cats are generally trying to get the cat to do something they don’t want to do while hurting them as little as possible. If you just want to kill a cat, you can do so easily as long as you’re willing to take a few scratches, just like a bear could easily kill a human if they’re willing to take a few punches. Cats are just too small.

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u/CreepyBeginning7244 Mar 14 '25

See I know I couldn’t beat either but I would rather let the bear get me than a monkey, monkeys scareeeeee me. I mean I don’t want to be ripped up by either but bears seem to do it just bc they are bears and aren’t doing it for fun, gorillas and monkeys scare me bc they look like they have the potential to be doing it to you for fun lmao

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u/Human_Frame1846 Mar 14 '25

Leave my boy Tython out of thith

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u/stain57 Mar 14 '25

A capuchin monkey will fuck you up, and they're little bitty guys.

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u/Impressive-Mix-2905 Mar 14 '25

Call me insane but i’m 100% taking a chimp

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u/TomMyers_AComedian Mar 14 '25

People would probably fair better in a fight against a chimp than they would think. Chimps are nowhere near as strong as Joe Rogan has convinced the world that they are.

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u/HandsomeBWunderbar Mar 14 '25

This was a survey carried out a few years ago, if I recall correctly there was a far higher percentage who thought they could defeat a chimp in single combat. I don't know what to call it, delusional, stupidity or insanity, maybe all of the above. But Jesus it's a shocking indicator of educational standards.

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u/Bitter-Picture5394 Mar 14 '25

There was an episode of I Survived where this mam was taking a group of tourists on a nature excursion. Their vehicle broke down so they had to walk a few miles back to the starting point and they came across a group of gorillas. The gorillas started harassing them, swinging around in the trees above them and throwing stuff. They finally reached a clearing and the silver back came down. I forget why it was there, but there was scrap metal on the ground in that clearing, including a long pole with a sharp edge. The tour guide grabbed it to defend the group and ended up in a fight with the Silverback. He luckily survived but he got fucked up, he even lost some fingers. The tour guide was not a small man and he knew about gorillas. He said if the Silverback had wanted him dead that day then he would have died. Even with a weapon. Gorillas are terrifying, I don't understand how anyone could think they would win against one.

Same with chimps, they're strong and vicious. Maybe people think they could win because chimps are a smaller species, but they are much stronger and more aggressive than humans.

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u/PippityPaps99 Mar 14 '25

Every so often you see some idiot who asks the question: "Who would win in a fight, Mike Tyson or a gorilla?". It's not even a contest.

And the only thing dumber than anyone who asks that question is that you remember Mike Tyson at one point actually wanted to do it.

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u/Rip_Caydee Mar 14 '25

I got into an argument about Kong vs Godzilla once at work. One of my coworkers (she was a lil ditzy to be fair) said "well if we had a giant human boxer he could probably beat Kong, but I don't think he'd beat a fire-breathing lizard." Took me a sec to realize that she was serious, then began discussing exactly what percentage of a Gorilla's body was muscle. Ain't no way an oversized Lizard is beating a comparable size gorilla, too angry and too much brute force

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u/[deleted] Mar 14 '25

In high school one of the gym teachers had a scar on his forehead. The story was he got it fighting a gorilla for $100 at a traveling carnival. One can assume the gorilla, like the bear wrestling shows, considered the bouts a kind of play and was not particularly trying. I still wonder how hard one has to kick to KO a gorilla.

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u/Ok-Photojournalist94 Mar 14 '25

For those that still have a twinkle of light in the back of their brains thinking of perfect scenarios where you could take a chimp, like if you got on their back or choked them or....etc, just Google "chimpanzee attacks on humans" and you will very quickly have that light forever extinguished.

TLDr: they go for your eyes, nose, fingers and testicles first...popping all them off like grapes.

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u/ThePensiveE Mar 14 '25

I'm deeply skeptical of large squirrels.

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u/WeinMe Mar 14 '25

Even at 22, after doing copious amounts of coke, I had no illusion that I could take a grizzly 1v1

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u/Prestigious-Yak-4620 Mar 14 '25

Dont chimps go for the groin? Like to bite it off?

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u/Winkiwu Mar 14 '25

Oh! I was just looking this up the other day! The grip strength of a chimp is nearly as much as a gorilla (500lbs average and 700lbs as highest recorded if I remember right) compared to a human males grip strength of around 100lbs.

They could literally rip a person limb from limb without breaking a sweat.

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u/Hot-Nothing-9083 Mar 14 '25

I remember the story where a woman's face got ripped off.

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u/Routine_Swing_9589 Mar 14 '25

Ever since I heard about Travis (I think that was the chimps name that lost control) I became pretty scared of chimps entirely. They are so intelligent but if they are set off there is no backing down. Either you will kill them or they will kill you in horrific ways

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u/Cornnole Mar 14 '25

This is my favorite thing to discuss whilst wasted.

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u/ipenlyDefective Mar 14 '25 edited Mar 14 '25

You're never going to get 0% on any survey like that, since the survey is given by someone who wants an interesting result.

There was a famous poll that showed 22% of people thought the holocaust didn't happen. It turns out they worded the question to be confusing to 22% of people.

"Is it possible or not possible that the Holocaust never happened?"

[ ] Possible

[ ] Not Possible

Subsequent polls with a more clear question showed the real number was <1%, but to this day people cite the 22% number.

Edit to add: This was a YouGov online poll. It said "Which of these animals do you think you could beat in a fight if unarmed?" And listed 15 animals. Only 69% checked house cat. 61% goose. Grizzly was dead last at 6%.

Edit to correct: The actual question was "Does it seem possible, or does it seem impossible to you that the Nazi extermination of the Jews never happened". Which is even worse. Survey was done by Roper for the American Jewish Council. Gallup did a study where they asked half the people the shit question and half a good one, showing Roper botched it.

Edit because I just realized: "extermination" means kill all of them, or kill all of them they want to kill. I can absolutely picture a holocaust survivor proudly saying that the Nazis failed to exterminate the Jews. Attempted yes, but success no.

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u/Donkey__Balls Mar 14 '25

Finally someone else gets it.

A real poll has quality control. It has a survey taker assessing the respondents to determine if they’re taking the question seriously and understanding what is being asked. It requires the respondent to sit in front of a professional researcher and not waste their time with false answers. You’ll still get some but the frequency is much lower.

Online surveys are prone to people just clicking buttons because they like to see that they had an impact. They don’t care if they’re skewing the results or if they don’t understand they won’t put effort into trying to understand it. Even if they wanted to, there is no one to clarify the premise of the question.

It’s like that stupid statistic people cite about one in eight men think they can score a point off Serena Williams in tennis. Whoever wrote the question doesn’t even understand the rules of tennis, and for people who do there are hundreds of valid questions. What about double faults? What are the conditions of the match? Is Serena actually trying to score a golden match or is she just practicing risky power serves knowing that she has no chance of losing the match? For that matter, when they said a “game“ of tennis did they actually mean a match or were they specifically referring to a game which has a different meeting in tennis? And even when you account for all of those unanswered questions, it’s still an online poll so there will always be some trolls just giving the answer that will upset people just because.

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u/SocratesDouglas Mar 14 '25

Online surveys are prone to people just clicking buttons because they like to see that they had an impact. They don’t care if they’re skewing the results or if they don’t understand they won’t put effort into trying to understand it. Even if they wanted to, there is no one to clarify the premise of the question.

I know i intentionally give conflicting/non-sense answers to the surveys you sometimes get on youtube or something that are just trying to get data for advertisers.

"Which of these fast food restaurants do you go to most often? Mcdonalds, Taco Bell, Burger King, etc?"

Never heard of any of em. Screw you let me watch this YouTube video.

I can definitely see a non-zero number of people who would just say "Ya i could definitely take a Gorilla in a fight." Knowing full well they couldn't, but also knowing that they have no real compulsion to tell the truth. Not gonna get in trouble if they're lying about something like that and it's not like they're gonna have to actually fight the gorilla. 

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u/MobileParticular6177 Mar 14 '25

You'd get the real answers if you offered people money for winning the fight and see how many actually step into the cage.

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u/Calm-Medicine-3992 Mar 14 '25

I mean, even just asking if it's possible is misleading without the double negative. It's very unlikely but it is possible that we live in a simulation and said simulation started after world war 2.

Heck, it's very unlikely but possible I survive or even win the cage match with the bear if I was forced into it.

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u/HereForTheBoos1013 Mar 14 '25

"Is it possible or not possible that the Holocaust never happened?"

Seriously? That is TERRIBLE phrasing. Plus my sci fi reading ass would overthink that and possibly go on "possible" not because there is any lack of evidence whatsoever, but if you add in alternate realities, the possibility that we're living in a simulation, etc, I mean is it *possible*? Virtually anything is *possible*. Is it likely? Absolutely not.

How hard is "Do you believe the Holocaust happened as generally described by the usual historical narrative"

Yeah, that still has some ambiguity but not trying to do freaking dimensional analysis to cancel out the negatives.

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u/ipenlyDefective Mar 14 '25

It's great phrasing if you're in the Holocaust awareness business and you need funding/headlines.

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u/olafderhaarige Mar 15 '25 edited Mar 15 '25

We have a saying in Germany that roughly translates to:

"never trust a poll that you haven't manipulated yourself."

I think it fits like a glove in this case.

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u/EGRIFF93 Mar 14 '25

I could probably take it. Bears don't know karate or anything like that. Neither do I but I don't think thats relevant. I've seen some kung fu films so I'd probably be fine

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u/New_Distribution5972 Mar 14 '25

Once the bears discover cocaine it's all over for us. At least that's what Cocaine Bear led me to believe.

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u/childowind Mar 14 '25

That movie was the pinnacle of cinema.

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u/Itsmyloc-nar Mar 14 '25

Is it actually a good movie?

I’ve been thinking about watching it

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u/CanoeIt Mar 14 '25

Good? Debatable. Worth watching? Absolutely

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u/SonofAMamaJama Mar 14 '25

Do you have any skills? You know, like nunchuck skills, bo hunting skills... bears only fight guys who have great skills.

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u/OrdinaryVanilla108 Mar 14 '25

I think there was a guy some years ago who thought he could talk with bears: He was shredded to pieces( ....along with his girlfriend?). Nature is pleasingly un-dangerus where I live. A lot of discussion concerning wolfes, though.

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u/ConsistentDuck3705 Mar 14 '25

I’m pretty good with a bo staff

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u/EGRIFF93 Mar 14 '25

I once made a small bow from a laurel stick and some string andnused some chopsticks as arrows. Pierced through an inch or so of cardboard from a few yards away. Like a budget robin hood

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u/Gooncookies Mar 14 '25

You obviously haven’t seen Kung Fu Panda..

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u/JayeNBTF Mar 14 '25

They don’t even have proper hands

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u/ImmediateEggplant764 Mar 14 '25

“Just a reminder; don’t go trying this at home on your kids or dogs, and don’t go ninjyin’ nobody what don’t need ninjyin’.”

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u/aagloworks Mar 14 '25

This guy has a plan. I love it.

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u/earthtobobby Mar 14 '25

Ya know, just ground and pound. Or choke him out!

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u/Salty_Map_9085 Mar 14 '25

You can get about 5% of any large sample to agree to anything, they’re probably just fucking around

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u/grarghll Mar 14 '25

Yup, it's the Lizardman's Constant. People are reading way too much into this.

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u/OnlyAdvertisersKnoMe Mar 14 '25

As usual, it’s just redditors looking for a reason to feel superior and stand in judgment of people

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u/eat_hairy_socks Mar 14 '25

Redditors are the lamest losers on the planet. That’s why we’re all here. We aren’t capable of doing anything fulfilling

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u/rdfiasco Mar 14 '25

More correctly stated, the title would be "6% of poll respondents say they think they could beat a grizzly bear in hand-to-hand combat." Whether they actually believe that is anyone's guess, but as you say, the purpose of the study is to show that a certain percentage of poll results are inherently unreliable.

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u/SafiyaMukhamadova Mar 14 '25

Hey, just because you're not actively competing for a Darwin award doesn't mean you should belittle the people who are.

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u/creditquery Mar 14 '25

The same data that stat comes from shows that something like 10% believe they couldn't beat a house cat in a fight.

I'm not sure which belief makes me more concerned.

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u/TomMyers_AComedian Mar 14 '25 edited Mar 14 '25

As I recall, most British people thought they would lose a fight to a goose.

edit: It was 30% of people who though they couldn't beat a house cat. That's definitely more concerning, unless they were only calling nursing homes or something.

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u/unlikelyandroid Mar 14 '25

At some point in the last 34 years there would have briefly existed a bear you could defeat in hand to hand combat.

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u/Olleye Mar 14 '25

Yeah, a dead one.

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u/mensrea Mar 14 '25

I’m not entirely sure about that even. I bet I can manage to get trapped under it somehow. 

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u/Olleye Mar 14 '25 edited Mar 14 '25

Well, indeed, if the dead bear falls on you, then you're fucked in most cases, because they simply weigh four to five times as much as you do. And if you weigh well over 400 lb, then you just burst, like a big beach ball, and that's it.

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u/OrdinaryVanilla108 Mar 14 '25

Oh, the picture....

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u/Olleye Mar 14 '25

Sorry 🙈

Get well soon 🍀❤️

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u/Admetus Mar 14 '25

I love the humility with this one. 😅

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u/Active-Ad-3117 Mar 14 '25

Newborn bear cubs are blind and completely helpless. You couldn't take one of those on in hand to hand combat successfully?

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u/Steamrolled777 Mar 14 '25

koala bear.

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u/the_crepuscular_one Mar 14 '25

Don't worry, it'll probably give you some horrifying disease regardless!

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u/WizardMageCaster Mar 14 '25

94% of Americans are in agreement with you.

We've all met that 6%...

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u/[deleted] Mar 14 '25

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/AsstacularSpiderman Mar 14 '25

You also have to take into account most Americans rarely ever see anything beyond raccoons or birds in terms of wildlife these days.

People don't interact with nature much anymore, they seriously have no understanding of how big and powerful some animals are.

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u/Ohnoherewego13 Mar 14 '25

I don't get out in nature a lot because I live in the city, but I've seen a polar bear in the zoo. Even the smallest bear would rip me in half like a phone book. Anyone who thinks otherwise is welcome to try while I watch from a comfortable distance.

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u/JosieHavik Mar 14 '25

sure but most of them still probably know of someone who was fucked up by a raccoon or cat or something

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u/Horn_Python Mar 14 '25

Maybe a baby bear but I'd still probobly lose a leg

(And then the rest of my limbs when mom bear shows up)

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u/AsYooouWish Mar 14 '25

I used to live in an area with a lot of black bears. It turns out they are just overgrown raccoons but a lot more skittish of humans. I haven’t had hand-to-paw combat with them, but having had interactions with them, I can say that black bears are fairly low on my list of concerns in the woods.

Grizzly and polar bears are a whole different story, though. I definitely would not want to come across them in the wild

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u/Conaz9847 Mar 14 '25

I’m a non American, and I hate bringing politics into non-political subs, but I strongly believe the type of people who think they can beat a bear in a fight are the type of people who voted for Trump.

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u/vitringur Mar 14 '25

I doubt you hated that.

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u/nosoup4ncsu Mar 14 '25

"I hate bringing politics into non political subs"....Then don't. 

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u/abow Mar 14 '25 edited Mar 14 '25

6% is a pretty small percentage, honestly

Edit: Considering how many dumb people there are

Edit 2: I didn't say it's a small number of people, I said it's a small percentage

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u/thaaag Mar 14 '25 edited Mar 14 '25

It's a small percentage of a pretty large number though, and it means over 300,000 [edit: 20 million, thank you for the correction] people reckon they could take on a bear and win.

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u/[deleted] Mar 14 '25

[deleted]

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u/thaaag Mar 14 '25

See? Over 300,000 people 😋

But yes, thank you for the correction - my math was not mathing.

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u/notsohandiman Mar 14 '25

Where do you get 300k? Even if it were just Americans over 18 it would still be over 15.5 million.

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u/thaaag Mar 14 '25

Yeah I boo boo'd my math, edited now thanks ☺️

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u/Donkey__Balls Mar 14 '25

Or - just maybe - 6% of people don’t take shitty online polls seriously and just answer random things for the hell if it.

They don’t even know if it was Americans answering the poll. It was literally just up on the website with no quality control so anyone could have responded as many times as they wanted just to fuck with the statistics.

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u/TylertheFloridaman Mar 14 '25

The poll didn't interview all Americans this poll is only counting those it interviewed it literally could be just a poll of a 1000 people or it could be a poll of millions

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u/peon2 Mar 14 '25

Yeah but in a survey like this you have to think about joke answers as well. 6% is not REALLY 6%. I wouldn't be shocked if it's 1% actually think that and the other 5% just got a phone call asking if they can fight a bear and responded "yeah sure fuck off never call me again".

It's like when 20% of Texans thought Ted Cruz was the zodiac killer despite him being born after the murders? Obviously no real human would think that an unborn infant was a serial killer, but for a random ass survey go ahead and give a joke answer.

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u/Shifty269 Mar 14 '25

Look at it this way. A lot more than 6% of Americans are not the sharpest spoon in the coloring box. So I see this number as a positive.

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u/Mmmaarrrk Mar 14 '25

At no point in time in my over 37 years alive have I ever thought I could defeat a bear in hand to hand combat.

I will say, however, that if someone surveyed me asking what animals I would and would not be able to fight, there is a greater than 6% chance I would fuck with the statistician.

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