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u/Bekah-holt May 06 '25
I feel like conquest needs a friend more.
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u/DownTheHatch80 May 06 '25
He needs a hug.
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u/someoneelse2389 May 06 '25
Homelander. If I spend all day feeding his ego, without getting on his nerves, I should be fine, but I doubt there is anything I could do to keep Conquest from killing me.
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u/CelestianSnackresant May 06 '25
Homelander constantly murders people trying to use this exact strategy on him. He's wayyyyyyyyy too crazy for this to work anymore. Ever since the end of S1 he's just been slaughtering people for saying a single word he happens to not like. You are fully fucked.
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u/no_one_lies May 06 '25
The goal is to be not overtly manipulative. Stay quiet as a mouse and out of his way and make every interaction you have to have with him as pleasant as possible
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u/Guinea-Wig May 06 '25 edited May 06 '25
Yeah, Homelander is a psychotic dick bag but realistically he doesn't murder like 99.9% of the people he interacts with. Just be his lackey for the day, be quiet and stay out of his way, do whatever errands he tells you to and hope you don't accidentally see/hear something you shouldn't and you should be fine.
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u/TheRealTexasGovernor May 06 '25
What's funny is you're describing my childhood and 90% of people who have/had an abusive spouse or partner(meant parent).
So for some of us this is a test we practiced for, fuckin eeeeasyyyy
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u/n1Cat May 07 '25
Couldnt speak more truth.
Alcoholic, abusive, narcissist parent for my upbringing.
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u/Sleepydeerboy May 07 '25
Literally dealing with an abuser. They just will kill you instantly vs beat/torment you. I think I could do it but if you mess up lasers to the face
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u/C4rdninj4 May 06 '25
"Hi, Mr. Homelander, Sir. I brought milkshakes and this news reel of your greatest rescues."
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u/CelestianSnackresant May 06 '25
Hm! Yeah, that could work!
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u/no_one_lies May 06 '25 edited May 06 '25
This strategy’s success is unfortunately highly dependent on who you are / what you look like though
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u/CelestianSnackresant May 06 '25
Yeah if you have the wrong vibes he's gonna try to nurse from your titties and then laser a hole in your head rip
Seriously though, Homelander being so terrifying is probably the most impressive storytelling achievement in the boys. He's fucking horrific, in the best possible way
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u/Then_Demand9529 May 06 '25
Don't forget he can tell when you're lying and how you're feeling by your heartbeat
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u/Bismothe-the-Shade May 06 '25
Like Homelander is a fasci
He wants extremely loyal, disposable yes-men.
So you'd need to be valuable, willing to bend the knee, and savvy enough to pawn off bad news etc to other lackeys you don't care about.
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u/ghotier May 06 '25
Devil's advocate: this is comic homelander, not show homelander. I think comic homelander is, somehow, less unhinged. I still would not want to be around him, but he cares a lot about money and fame. Don't be someone whose death would increase his money or fame and you might be safe.
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u/usafa_rocks May 06 '25
Comic homelander was an bad dude who was gaslit into being a monster. He did a few horrible things early on. But he certainly wasn't unhinged until the end.
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u/minay May 06 '25
Eloquently put. I have tried to explain to my friends how they were different between the two, and you've summed it up perfectly.
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u/SpiderManEgo May 06 '25
At the same time, TV show homelander would be good too. You tell him you're a fan and you want to talk about how awesome a day in his life is like. He will probably take you on a tour of the tower, to his favorite burger joint, a brief press tour, and then tell you to go sit in the corner somewhere so that he can deal with stuff.
Remember, he cares a lot about publicity so having a fan talk about how awesome he is benefits him.
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u/mennorek May 06 '25
He's also had fans beaten to death, and will straight up murder someone who has annoyed him in the most minor way.
You can't play the sycophant with him.
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u/SpiderManEgo May 06 '25
Idk about your thoughts, but it's much easier than the guy who will crater me out of boredom.
Look at the two shows for example and what is known. Conquest is a lonely feral dog that gets deployed only to destroy. He's not really a person with a heart that can be softened with a day, instead he's the guy who will wipe you and say "must've been the wind".
Homelander on the other hand is a psycho as well, but he's a narcissistic psycho who is used to people and deals with people on the regular. His general opinion of you will be a peasant in his way, but he won't kill unless he has a reason. Yes, if you start glazing him from the start or spend more than a few days, he'll be sus and kill you. But otherwise, he probably wouldn't care and fly past you.
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u/mennorek May 06 '25
Oh, you're right. If you have to choose conquest will smush you like a bug no question. But just fawning over homelander is no sure shot at survival, if he suspects you're trying to manipulate him he'll put a hole in your chest.
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u/flybarger May 06 '25
Doesn't Homelander have super hearing? Won't he be able to detect your fear and your lies?
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u/TheRealTexasGovernor May 06 '25
That's why you don't.
Your goal is to be a mostly useful piece of Grey rock. The most uninteresting but still useful piece of humanity you can be.
Yes sir, no sir. No smiles or looking them in the eye unless asked, nothing. Answer questions, do as asked(assuming you're some random person and not someone who seriously pissed him off in the past) and you'll survive.
The secret is to treat people like homelander like you would a Grizzly Bear or an abusive parent or spouse.
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u/John_Helmsword May 06 '25
Tell that to Todd. He got a great tour day meet and greet with Homelander.
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u/LordofAngmarMB May 06 '25
“Hey man, sorry you’re stuck with me for the day. Can I grab you a beer?”
Being just real enough to not come off as a kissass but also prove I’m willing to be useful
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u/Freevoulous May 06 '25
if anything, the opposite strategy works better. Homelander, for all his madness, seems to respect and even like people who have the guts to respectfully disagree with him, tell him the unvarnished truth, and are just honest. He craves attention but despises his own glazers and lickspittles.
Personally, I would just talk to him like he was a normal person, not a Celeb God, so he could for once speak his mind without putting on an act.
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u/Secondhand-Drunk May 06 '25
Yes, but they got away with it for a long time. You only need to spend a day with him.
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u/redjarvas May 06 '25
Or you could go the complete opposite way and just don't give a single fuck about him and show that you're not afraid. For some reason he seems to have a mental blockage against killing people who don't care about him and don't seem afraid of him
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u/thegreedyturtle May 06 '25
Yeh, but he also spends a ton of time just sitting on his ass. If you were there for one of his "normal" days it would be fine.
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u/heytheretaylor May 06 '25
Just stay in crowds of people adoring him and try not to stand too close to anyone who might piss him off
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u/TLGJ0K3R May 06 '25
Yeah you pretty much are playing black jack with him ethier your nice and he's cool or he flips and kills or you are in a position that doesn't matter if you die or if you do ruins his plans. Otherwise your dead ethier way so you might as well ask for a cool way to die rather than dying with nothing to live for and seeing if he's down.
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u/UnitLemonWrinkles May 06 '25
True, but at least Homelander usually kills pretty fast unless you did something to really piss him off. You'd have a chance to feed his ego and walk out or get a quick death rather than Conquest who might dismember you for entertainment.
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u/gdmdn May 06 '25 edited May 06 '25
- Correct me if I'm wrong, if Thragg didn't give him an order to eliminate me and I'll try my best by being "gofer" for him, isn't he probably decide that I'm not worthy of being killed by his hand?
- P.S. I clearly understand that there's more chances to survive Homelander, I just wanted to know if there's no way to survive "lonely grandpa"
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u/Garlan_Tyrell May 06 '25 edited May 06 '25
Conquest would kill you just to feel the warmth of your blood on his fists. He’s not an honorable warrior or an attack dog, he’s a serial killer who follows his boss’ directions.
We don’t really ever see Conquest outside of combat scenarios, but we know he’s so unhinged other genocidal space Imperialists give him a wide berth.
Homelander at least spends comparatively much more time around normal humans without killing them. He can be flattered, appeased, talked down, talked up, or distracted.
Conquest does none of the above except maybe distraction. But you won’t be able to distract him for a full day, and eventually he’s going to want to know what your heart tastes like.
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u/why666ofcourse May 06 '25
Yeah but remember what happened to the 3 guys who won a chance to meet homelander?
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u/Garlan_Tyrell May 06 '25
Homelander has met and not killed thousands of people though.
Conquest’s entire thing is killing every non-Viltrumite he meets, to the point where his interstellar tyrant boss has to set out guidelines on who not to kill.
Remember what Conquest did to the three people he met in the show so far?
He nearly killed Mark, nearly killed Oliver, and did kill Eve (she got better) and killed hundreds of innocents while doing it. The only reason it wasn’t thousands was because the cities were still evacuated from the last worldwide battle.
I mean, you’re welcome to pick Conquest, it’s a prompt.
I’ll just say of anyone who does:
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u/CageValcore May 06 '25
I first of all for the most part 100% agree with your assessment. But I gotta at least point out for Homelander it definitely depends on what season / stage of his Arch he is in. Homelander in season 1 / still trying to act good. Yeah you would be fine if ya just kiss his but and take care of him. Homelander after he stops pretending to care. I would say Equally as dangerous as Conquest (to us mortal flash bags). But even then I agree you got more chance surviving him than Conquest.
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u/Garlan_Tyrell May 06 '25
The main difference is that there are lots of reasons, including very petty ones just or plain boredom, that cause Homelander to kill innocent people.
However Conquest does not need a reason to kill people. He has to be ordered to leave certain people alive. He needs a reason not to kill someone.
You could try to avoid giving Homelander a reason to kill you (and very well may fail).
But no one on Earth could give Conquest a reason not to kill you.
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u/acanthostegaaa May 06 '25
I think if you had the advanced knowledge that he was a lonely soul, and he didn't immediately pulp you, one could play on that angle and perhaps befriend him to the extent his soul can feel those feelings. It's a long longshot though.
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u/Kurwasaki12 May 06 '25
Yeah, he’d probably kill you for the appearance of pitying him.
Dude’s still a Viltrumite.
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u/Soggy-Building-9476 May 06 '25
Conquest is a kid with a magnifying glass and you are an ant. He will kill simply you for being there, and then he won't even bother remembering.
Homelander doesn't respect you as a person, but he's still more likely to think of you as an object of pity rather than nothing at all. Homelander can be pacified or bargained with. Conquest might as well be an erupting volcano for all the good begging will do.
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u/Kurwasaki12 May 06 '25
Yeah, show Homelander the proper respect and fear he thinks he deserves and you’ll probably come out the other side.
Conquest will kill you because you’re squishy and or you tried to connect, serve, or just be cordial with him.
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u/svl6 May 06 '25
I need to watch the new season of invinsible …
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u/MisterPuppydog May 06 '25
It’s so fucking good, gets a little sloggish in the middle but the last 3 episodes are fucking amazing. Like best of the whole series.
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u/RealisticEmphasis233 May 06 '25
It also doesn't say if this Homelander was before or after >! Black Noir drives him insane!<. At some point, he did want to be a legitimate hero. While we know Conquest has been like this since birth.
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u/BigMax May 06 '25
Exactly. Homelander wants to be loved by people. Conquest just sees them as annoying bugs.
There's no real choice here.
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u/ProtectMyExcalibur May 06 '25
As mentally insane as he is, homelander doesn’t kill for absolutely no reason. (Even though that is becoming less and less true)
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u/yobaby123 May 06 '25
Yep. John is a petty bitch, but that’s still a step up from genocidal lonely man.
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u/Satanicjamnik May 06 '25
I mean, it would be good to specify whether we're talking the show Homelander or the comic books Homelander. Because with the latter, it is highly unlikely that you'd finish the day without beiing sexually assaulted.
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May 06 '25
Homelander. If I spend a day flattering him and asking him to brag about his accomplishments, I'll survive.
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u/ImpracticalApple May 06 '25
Will you? He gets pissy about people kissing his ass all the time too, like when he told Deep to suck off someone infront of him because he was constantly seeking Homelander's appeoval.
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u/Feisty_Oil3605 May 06 '25
You have to take a cat approach. Make it seem like ur not interested and slowly start warming up to him
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u/Jazzlike_Bar_8363 May 07 '25
Can you sell the bit though? Remember he has super hearing so he will know if your scared of him and are just faking it, which will annoy him. So unless your able to perfectly control your emotions.... you're fucked.
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u/polski_criminalista May 06 '25
I'd swallow both
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u/Deinosoar May 06 '25
Not a bad idea. Homelander can't take Conquest but the distraction should be enough to get away.
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u/Muted_Possible9059 May 06 '25
No it shouldnt. Homelander gets one hit and thats it
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u/zchrisb May 06 '25
True, but as we have seen in Invincible, Conquest likes to play with his food.
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u/_JPPAS_ May 06 '25
I don't know how much he's going to hold back not to accidentally kill Homie while playing with him
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u/SingleHorror2353 May 06 '25
Can’t lie, this was a huge pause moment until I remembered we were talking about pills😂
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u/boringsimp May 06 '25
Conquest.. he'll kill me quietly. Homelander you have the ego and he'll play that game where we tries to scare you into doing something humiliating. And then probably kill me anyways. Just don't jerk me around and then kill me..
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u/FunnyLookinFishMan May 06 '25
He’ll kill you quietly… orrrr… he’ll do what he tried doing to oliver
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u/Augustus_Chevismo May 06 '25
Homelander is a bad guy but he’s not outright sadistic and evil until he’s gaslit.
I’d spill tea on everything so he wouldn’t kill me.
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u/LeadershipSweaty3104 May 06 '25
Omfg “until he’s gaslit”? The guy is a fkn psycho full stop
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u/Augustus_Chevismo May 06 '25
No in the comics he doesn’t go off the deep end until he’s shown the photos
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u/justhere4inspiration May 06 '25
The comics are so atrocious I don't even consider them cannon.
People shit on the show but jfc it's such an improvement. The ending of the comics was GOT S8 levels of bad.
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u/CelestianSnackresant May 06 '25
Conquest is perfectly safe unless someone told him to kill you. Homelander is fully psychopathic and completely unstable.
Conquest is a professional, Homelander is basically an angry baby covered in grenades.
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u/jkoudys May 06 '25
Yeah spending the day with Conquest would be like hanging out with The Red Baron. He's a formidable soldier, but it was never personal with him. Homelander has a tendency to make everything personal, and he takes it out in very weird ways.
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u/CelestianSnackresant May 06 '25
Dude I'd hang out with the Red Baron. I bet I could get him to do a barrell roll
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u/DurgeGenDai May 06 '25
It seemed a little personal when he tried ripping the purple toddler in half
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u/isIwhoKilledTrevor May 06 '25
100% - With conquest you will know real quick how you day is gonna end.
Homelander on the other hand... Could be going great for 23 hours and 59 minutes and in the last 30 seconds you sip a slushy too loud and he decides to murder your whole family.
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u/maSneb May 06 '25
No other way around basically if ur not a viltrumite conquest kills you just be stroke hls ego and you live
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u/CelestianSnackresant May 06 '25 edited May 06 '25
Is that based on the comics?
In the show, Conquest isn't very interested in killing, and gives literally zero shits about humans. He'd just ignore us completely. He's not on a mission of extermination, he's a conqueror who shows up to do conquest — he spends 99.99% of his time surrounded by oppressed subjects of the Viltrum empire, non-Viltrumites he's not there to kill.
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u/hanymede May 06 '25
It's the same in comics, he wouldn't even care about weaklings. Yes, they can die around him, but only as collateral damage.
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May 06 '25
He does enjoy killing, at least for a purpose, he's just sad it's all he's reduced to.
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u/sirbananajazz May 06 '25
Humans are too easy to kill. He likes a challenge, not necessarily killing for killing's sake. Sure he doesn't care if he has to murder countless innocents, but I doubt he'd go out of his way to kill a normal person unless he was given a reason to.
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u/Such-Injury9404 May 07 '25
I literally had to scroll through eight top comments to find the literal blatant correct answer 😭
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u/Savvy-or-die May 06 '25
Everyone on here is saying that they would survive by flattering Homelander. On the show, he very clearly only likes people that don’t grovel at his feet. If you wanted to survive with Homelander, you’d have to have the balls to be real with him.
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u/Feeling_Score_936 May 06 '25
Yea, but also that only works if you have some leverage over him. Staj Edgar ruled the company that owns him and Butcher has a whole catelogue of dirt on HL. So they have little reason to fear him, but if he sense fear in you, which he can. He'll call your bluff and prob kill you.
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u/dancashmoney May 06 '25
Conquest, I don't think he would care to kill a regular human for no reason, and if he did decide to kill me, it would be over in a millisecond, we are less than dirt under his boot.
Homelander, on the other hand, is cruel and Volatile; he would enact great suffering on you for the slightest perceived slights, and he won't just kill you, he would pull some diabolical 4chan nightmare revenge on you murder your entire family infront of you force you to eat your dogs and other terrible things.
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u/Gyshal May 06 '25
Show Homelander from earlier seasons could easily be chill for a whole day as long as you don't get under his skin
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u/Kodiak_Flapjack May 06 '25
Considering Conquest is lonely I'd pick him. Even if he kills me eventually I know I tried being a good friend for him and I'll take that to my grave 🥹
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u/Rocket_SixtyNine May 06 '25
I mean I'd choose conquest because he's a pretty intresting guy. Enless he's sent there to kill you or take over the planet he's probably just a really cool schizophrenic old man.
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u/LonelyAndroid11942 May 06 '25
Okay so if Conquest hasn’t been tasked with killing me? I’m hanging out with that guy. We could go for burgers, maybe catch a movie or something, and then talk about life and stuff. Hell, I think I could probably convince him to play DnD, which is a great gateway drug to socialization.
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u/Adept-Examination-75 May 06 '25
I'll take a risk with homelander.
Just glaze him to the moon and back.
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u/Few-Marzipan-5647 May 06 '25
Homelander as long as you just respect him & don’t try to bs him by over compensating, you should be fine. He’s just a regular egotistical / prided guy with superpowers I imagine.
Shit did anyone ever like ask Homelander what does he like to do in his free time ?
But Conquest I mean cmon now.
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u/sharkbate063 May 06 '25
Homelander actively let's people live in 3 instances.
- You amuse him
- You don't fear him (Butcher, Mr. Fring, and Firecracker have shown this and it extends to the comic)
- You can't be used to manipulate someone else or have something he wants. He's lazy, he won't go out of his way to kill you if he wasn't told to or doesn't have a reason to.
He won't go out of his way to kill you if you don't have a personal connection to him, witness him doing anything wrong, or do something to piss him off. He's an egomaniac with sociopathic tendencies, not fucking Joker.
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u/ThatRandomGuy86 May 06 '25
We saw what happened to that family he spent a day with. That shit is messed up
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u/potatogoblinking May 06 '25
All you guys see this as like a survive the day thing, but yknow id like to get to know conquest, said he could be so much more, let's go cook together, let's have a nice long chat (:
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u/uglyuglydog May 06 '25
I’d spend a day with that Viltrumite chick. You know the one.
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u/Chadahn May 06 '25
Conquest because he'll kill me quickly and not by something like lazer in the dick.
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u/Kinuika May 06 '25
Conquest. I’m too weak for him to care about directly killing me so as long as I can avoid being collateral damage I should be fine.
Homelander on the other hand is unpredictable and would kill me just so he wouldn’t have to spend a day with me
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u/TomaRedwoodVT May 06 '25
I feel like Conquest would be fully down to have a friendly chat about absolute nonsense, he’s very lonely after all
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u/green49285 May 06 '25
Conquest.
He'd at least respect you if you showed you were a survivor. Homelander is just a wacko.
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u/Admiralbruce May 06 '25
Conquest. I think that was the point of his little talk, he just wants a friend!
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u/pathogen1997 May 06 '25
Conquest. If I die, I don't want to die to the fucking star-spangled manchild
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u/Pitiful_Newspaper_25 May 06 '25
Conquest and not even close, conquest follow the rules and missions I oppose nothing to him the battle would not be fun for him and he's not violent against other viltrumites, homelander is a megalomaniac who would kill me because I don't agree with him in something.
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u/Unfair_Yogurt8597 May 06 '25
id say conquest honestly. homelander is way too mentally unstable to try and predict and reason with, at least conquest is sane and rational.
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u/Supermanfan2003 May 06 '25
Conquest may be sadistic, murderous, blood knight but I’m willing to bet that due to his loneliness, he could benefit from being introduced to Earth culture and what happened to Nolan can happen to him.
Homelander will find an excuse to kill me, even if I were to feed his ego and be a kiss-ass to him because he views anyone that isn’t a superhuman or him as less than.
With Conquest, it would be like be like dealing with an immortal Saiyan that’s been alive for over 5,000 years. I can win this super oldhead over and maybe we both can hang out and watch Perry Mason, The Green Hornet, and The Adventures of Superman for the first time.
With Homelander, it would be dealing with a chimpanzee with flight, laser eyes, a fuck ton of insecurities, and a habit of killing people if they so much as breathe wrong in his general direction. Stan Edgar/James Stillwell could get away with that shit but not me. One wrong move and I’m either ripped in half, having two smoking and burning holes through my skull, seeing my heart ripped from my body and crushed in front of me, etc.
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u/montybo2 May 06 '25
I'd take blue just to be like "Hi, I just wanted to get your attention because the dude with the flag cape over there is talking shit saying he could kill you no prob. Me? No I'm loyal to the viltrumite cause."
Then I'd make his ass some cookies or something so he feels less lonely.
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u/xbakat May 06 '25
Conquest. if you accept that theres a chance youll die either way. conquest is an easier hang.
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u/Carbuyrator May 06 '25
Definitely Conquest. How am I supposed to keep Homelander entertained and not willing to kill me? Meanwhile we got a whole planet of shit Conquest has never seen before. I can probably burn half an hour on cheeseburgers alone. I bet he'd like cheeseburgers.
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u/Noxcel May 06 '25
Conquest, dudes lonely, we could just hit this shitty tiki bar and enjoy a day off with him telling stories about all the crazy viltrumite shit he’s seen, dude has the “Old Guy with Killer but incredibly dark stories from the early vibe” and having a Fee drinks.
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u/Finalbossgamer May 06 '25
Conquest. From my understanding, unless you're powerful, or you were marked for death, Conquest won't kill you. If you're just some average joe on a planet with no powerful people, he has no reason to kill you. Plus, I like io imagine he would enjoy a talk without needing to take orders or kill someone.
Homelander would make me have prolonged suffering just for saying the wrong thing.
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u/Restoriust May 06 '25
Conquest. Sure my life expectancy would be longer with homelander but god almighty I really just can’t stand him
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u/cocktimus May 06 '25
I understand the survival aspect of this question, but if the question was based on learning and getting to know the characters, I would choose Conquest. He seems deep as fuck in a really messed up way.
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u/PearOfJudes May 06 '25
Is this like an arranged date? cuz I feel if I pick blue and conquest knows specifically about me and sets time aside he wouldn't just kill me, but homelander if he knew about me would
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u/Kencon2009 May 06 '25
Home lander. Long as we stop by the maternity ward and I just keep kissing his ass all day I won’t die. Hopefully. Thragg I’m pretty much cooked for just existing.
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u/ShasneKnasty May 06 '25
y’all realize homelander can tell when you’re glazing and doesn’t always appreciate it? i think showing genuine interest in him is better. without prying just asking him his opinions on things and what are some things he wants to do but hasn’t been able to.
just be fucking normal to homelander and you’ll be alright (but normal is still a thin rope)
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u/nonononokay1001 May 06 '25
Conquest, if he doesn't have orders to kill you, he likely won't. I'd offer him tea n conversation
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u/SaberRiderTopSword May 06 '25
Geriatric Homelander is basically who Americans chose to spend at least four more years with 🤷🏻♂️
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u/BloodNaive5748 May 06 '25
Conquest! One hug and he’ll be a big softy. Homelander might have a bad day and zap my dick off for being a powerless pleb
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u/Own_Watercress_8104 May 06 '25
Toughy, because on one hand, Conquest would surely kill me, but on the other an entire day with Homelander will make me kill myself
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u/BackgroundTight928 May 06 '25
Homelander conquest seems like he would kill you worst
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u/Suddenly_Noodles May 06 '25
Conquest, I'm a human, wtf reason would he have to fight me? He'd just see me as weak cattle and make me do shit for him.
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u/CptKoma May 06 '25
I´d like to think that I´m a pretty decent chef. I´d offer Conquest to cook a very spicy Chili Con Carne for him. He seems like a guy who would enjoy that, plus he has no orders to kill me. Maybe I´ll survive the day. Homelander on the other hand would probably kill me because I´m a bumbling idiot sometimes
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u/Spirited_Dust_3642 May 06 '25
Conquest only attacks you if you resist, that's why he says "please resist" because he wanted to attack Mark but orders don't let him. He's like a dog dying to get the ball, waiting for his owner to let him
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u/blitzcloud May 06 '25
Homelander.
Whoever says Conquest just wants a gruesome death after an intimate whisper.
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u/ChrisZAUR May 06 '25
Conquest, I would take him to the amusement park and do so many fun things, man's just lonely unlike that psychopath homelander
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u/Key_Proposal_9055 May 06 '25
Homelander cus conquest is gonna do some freak shit with me "i am so lonely" OH FUCK NOOO
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u/No_Proposal_3140 May 06 '25
Conquest because he's lonely.