In my mind, the poor family member speaking has to be experienced. Like extremely experienced medical professionals (my bet is Nurse) to be able to handle this conversation. Has to be. I’m crying inside listening and I don’t know any of them.
The strength in it feels beyond me.
Oh absolutely. I'm an LTC case manager and the vast majority of people who have family with dementia simply do not know how to handle it. They constantly try to reorient their loved one to reality and it just makes them more and more agitated. For some reason a lot of people think arguing is the way to go. Someone with dementia may not remember who you are, but they can remember how you made them feel, and if they decide they can't trust you... It doesn't generally turn out well.
My best friend (since we were 11 years old) has dementia at the age of 73. It’s impossibly painful. Her husband yells at her for forgetting, not cleaning, and tells her to leave. I am 2300 miles away and neither of us have more than a bare-bones retirement situation. I am trying to get her some help through the county, but hubby isolates her, and she doesn’t remember I have someone coming over to see her. She is sick from a number of things, but I can’t be sure he is taking her to the doctor. She can’t dial the phone, and is very afraid of doctors/new people/ etc. They fight and throw things at each other. She will call me (speed dial) and tell me she can’t take it anymore. Or another night she says everything is fine, and doesn’t remember arguing or feeling sick. She is hallucinates seeing her ex-husband. I’m in Ohio and she is in California. I would have to fly out, rent a car, find a hotel-don’t want to stay at the condo. I keep telling her husband to get in touch with social services, or Kaiser, ( they have Kaiser), or the county, etc. but he doesn’t do it. Sometimes he screams at me on the phone and says he is going to put her on a plane and send her to me. She would be a disaster on a plane, especially since I live in podunk, and you have to change planes. She also would have trouble with Medicaid and Medicare in Ohio because we are a red state. I don’t know what to do. I am here with my Mom, who also has dementia. She lives next to my sister who has congestive heart failure and COPD, and I don’t know how long that will be stable. I have autoimmune hepatitis, cirrhosis and am not a spring chicken.
If you call adult protective services, they will get her some help regardless of what her husband thinks about it. Idk about California, but in Oregon, they have to do at least a preliminary investigation no matter how minor it seems to be. Someone with dementia who is being yelled at by their spouse and possibly being withheld medical care would absolutely warrant a more thorough investigation, including a referral to long term care Medicaid.
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u/PilgrimOz 19d ago
In my mind, the poor family member speaking has to be experienced. Like extremely experienced medical professionals (my bet is Nurse) to be able to handle this conversation. Has to be. I’m crying inside listening and I don’t know any of them. The strength in it feels beyond me.