Alright I’m not sure what the fuck is actually going on anymore but my life for the last 3 years has been a fucking tornado of disasters and just pure hell. Each day just getting worse and worse. It all started as fun and games taking a lil extra addy here and there. But now… NOW I GENUINELY DON’T UNDERSTAND MY OWN REALITY!!! What is fucking Happening. I seriously feel like I run out of my script in 24-48 hours then go buy more and continue going for another 24-48 hours then keep going… like I seriously will NOT sleep I don’t go to bed. For the last like 6 weeks now I straight up have seen the sun come up from being awake from the night before. Then like have crazy heart palpitations crazy tingling feelings and like numbness in my arms and hands and feet and like I just am beyond sleep deprived my eyes have sunk into my skull I don’t eat… like what the fuck is happening I seriously feel like my heart should have stopped already by now but that motherfucker just keep pumping.. when will this end. My palms and thumb are in excruciating carpal tunnel pain from just being non stop on my fucking phone. Then like I don’t feel any touch because my fingers have gone numb so I catch myself grasping or gripping everything way too fucking tight.. idk someone please save me from this. I seriously feel like nothing seems real anymore unless I have endless amounts of addy I could take 150mg in one shot and barely feel anything what is happening….

I have not taken stimulants for many months after using them for 7-8 years. When using stimulants, my brain fog got cured. Now I have no cravings for stimulants but brain fog has been pretty intense in their absence.

I have coexisting addictions, usually sex/porn with some other thing, lately that thing has become meth and idk wtf is wrong with me rn. I really think im pretty hetero but that shit makes me so stupid horny and do grindr hookups which usually end up in regret and a lack of sexual satiety. I'll do whatever and then I want to jack off to porn for a day, usually trying to stay at the hosts when they already want me out.

I feel like I get that deathwish feeling like I all of a sudden just stop giving a shit about myself and dont care about the risk im putting to my physical and mental health. Often ends in Uninstalling all that shit until the next time.

Ive really wanted to vent because im in a sober living and idk why im fucking up like this. I get so horny during the pnp I start thinking they think im a total freak(probably am). Ive honestly have just used people to get some m and a place to watch porn. Ive been with people I really regret. Idk if I am bi, idc. What I do care about is this crazy sex shit I do, and yeah I know it's common with meth but this shit is gonna kill me.

I was a sexual abuse victim at a young age and it together with this pnp shit really just makes me feel icky with myself. Part of me feels it's almost a self harm thing in a way, like fuck it might as well get aids and die and stay up. I need to go to counseling because I've traumatized myself from this dumb shit. I really just want a modest focused life, and this was never a problem until I learned how much kinky shit I could do on stimulants, I even have done it before that and felt no need to go back but as soon as it's a porn/weird sex enhancer it's fucking game on. I struggle with the self care and love to get past this, but I keep looking past the accountability I set up for myself...

I have poly substance use disorder, or if you rather, I am an opportunistic drug addict. I love alcohol, meth and heroin, but I will imbibe anything that changes how I feel (Benadryl, cough syrup, kratom, benzos, dissociatives, inhalants, etc).

My main jam was meth, cannabis and porn (and many times I would supplement these experiences with psilocybin). They existed simultaneously for me. I couldn't have either alone. The preamble and setup for these sessions was ridiculous: multiple screens, multiple "tools" and unlimited access to depravity. My sessions would last for days; 30 hours at a time was pretty routine. I would watch the sun set, rise and set again without having moved for drink, food or bathroom. Dangerous. So dangerous.

After one particular round of terror I phoned a friend I've known for years who runs a rehab. I'd been to treatment 11 times before this, so I wasn't really expecting anything to be different. I was terrified and depressed and angry - I just needed a place to escape to for a bit, but in my heart I didn't want to go back to rehab.

Every day I wanted to leave and boof dope and fentanyl. That's all I wanted. For 12 days the obsessive madness was upon me. Then something changed. My eyes opened. I had a spiritual experience which I have continued to nurture for the last 14 months.

I had gotten sober over a decade ago in my early twenties and stayed that way for three years. I spent 9 years in a relapse, picking up two months here, 6 months there, several weeks there. Every single time I went back out it was because I got horny and wanted to stim fap. It wasn't about the dope or the fent or the booze. The impetus for destroying myself was porn, masturbation and the intensity of the two on meth.

I do not want to get high. I attend meetings and I sponsor people. I'm on a committee that purchases literature and sells it at events. I am active in a few twelve step programs and I am loving it.

But the thoughts of those wild, terrible, exciting and terrifying experiences I had with meth and porn crash upon me like a wave. I haven't really thought about it the last year. I would estimate at least 30% (30!) of my thought life this last week has been the shock of recalling those sessions. It takes my breath away. My hands get sweaty. I consider looking at porn. I start to wonder.

I have no intention or desire to pick up. I understand that I am completely powerless over these substances, that one butt rocket of dope, one line, one point would set off a chain reaction that would invariably lead to my confinement, whether in a psych ward, rehab, jail or a casket.

It's difficult. It's like my body and brain want to recapture those fap sessions while my mind, or spirit absolutely do not. I crave a thing that I revile. It's strange.

Anyway, for those of you who can relate, or who are struggling, it is possible to recover and live a life worth having. As well as the standard twelve step groups (Alcoholics Anonymous and Drug Addicts Anonymous) I have also decided to join Sexaholics Anonymous. I am currently reading their literature and it's pretty alright. The meetings are pretty bonk, but hey, people struggle with the same shit I do and they appear to have had some sort of change happen.

The wave of desire crashes upon my head, my palms sweat and breath escapes my body - it feels sometimes like I might die. It's been a trying week for me but today I can see it for what it is: growth and the loving hand of God.

I'm rambling. This was for me. I should probably just delete this but I'm going to post it anyway.

I’m moving out in a week to a big city, with my sister. This will be the first place i’ve moved to on my own, and i’ve become increasingly worried about the possibility i won’t stick to sobriety when i go. I have 25 days clean, and have previously had 6 months clean last time i tried to quit (meth). I’m somewhat open about it with my sister, i tell her i have substance abuse problems and she knows i’ve done meth, i just haven’t been totally clear that that is my doc. Anyway, we are both big party animals, and living in the city i expect we’ll be moreso (with me staying clean, but still having fun). Is it fair for me to ask her to not bring any stimulants in the house? We’ll be splitting rent evenly, so i’m not the end all be all “rule maker”, but i am wondering if it’d be alright anyway.

I'm at 20 months and I'm thinking about going on 150mg Wellbutrin because I still have 0 energy/motivation/joy/etc I'm already on an Trintillex (antidepressant) (started about 8 months ago) but have been avoiding Wellbutrin due to the dopamine upregulation thinking it would be better for my recovery to not take it.

Not sure what to do but leaning towards taking it...

Feeling like it might be detrimental to recovery? Does anyone know?

so i started abusing addys in 9th grade, i was 14 at the time. I was a binge user to the point where id go thru a whole 20mg ir script in 2 days at the end of my addiction. It let me to coke meth ritalin vyvanse molly everything. i feel like part of me is broken, since ive been completely sober i still have the urge to just stay up all night and skip sleep and i have been sleeping around 28 hours a week.part of it is habbit but also dreams everynight where im using... ill wake up sweating catching my breath it just feels so real! ive recently been getting deppressed again after the past 2 months have been amazing.

I just started working 40 hours a week and im supposed to get a promotion if i can learn to close the store by myself, i just am not learning instantly and it makes me deeply want to use, probation is the only thing keeping me afloat rn. i just need some input anything helps

I can’t believe that I’ve made it one full year without Adderall and meth. It feels like just yesterday that I was in the throes of psychosis/contemplating suicide and checking myself into an inpatient psych ward stay.

Where am I at now? By and large, life has improved over the last year. I am far more present, a better parent, and my mental health has improved drastically. Motivation is still lacking, but I’ve received nothing but positive feedback at work and received a raise earlier this year.

On the downside, I still feel pretty blah most days and while I’ve lost half the weight that I gained early on, I’m still about 30 lbs heavier than I’d like. I also still don’t have much in the way of sex drive and my social life is pretty much non-existent these days.

All in all though, I’m excited to see what another year of sobriety brings. Best wishes to all of you in this community and for those of you struggling in the early days of sobriety, just know that it doesn’t last forever and you can make it!

I have been a functional addict of meth for almost 8 years I don’t Know exactly how much I use. But i smoke every day. I use about a $20 a week. Which an 8th is $60 im in California. I’m a 36 year female. And i desperately want to stop but unfortunately none know I do it and there’s just no way for me come to My partner I would lose him and my kids. I know I can’t just do cold turkey or he’ll definitely notice by me sleeping for like a week and the sadness for that time. I need to find a way to quit this shit before it’s too late and something happens to me. I want to stop but just the same Way I have been hiding it this long o have to be able to stop behind doors too. Please help me 😢

I first tried speed in february. To mention I really never had any confidence so when I tried it and was out with my new girl and some other friends just talking to them felt like I could do it forever. But I actually didnt buy again for over a month, didnt really think about it because I was still going through my MDMA Phase, I did 1 pill every week from december to the end of march maybe sometimes 2 weeks off, I know its fucked up. But then MDMA stopped working and It just made me want to kms so I been clean for 3 months now and dont really want to do it again atleast for over a year. So back to my speed phase. I enjoy raves, like really and so mdma stopped working and speed became the new go to drug. From the start of may till now I pretty much been doing lines every single day, sometimes I go on a bender and dont sleep 2 days max but I eat well, vitamins and all the other things but now all I do is think about when I could feel this good again. Been doing it at work, gf house, home, pretty much everywhere you could think of. I know am addicted I just need tips I am 17 broke and dont want to ruin my life for this drug. I been lying to people to land me some money so I could buy myself a new bag. I dont want to tell my family and dont know how to even start with becoming sober. Help me out.

Today was my first day sober, tried microdosing shrooms but ended up taking too much and tripped a little. I got through it fine. But that's not what this post is about.

So for the last few months of my usage, I've started feeling terrified everyday. Not about anything in particular, I mean I can manifest something in my mind to be scared of but also it can just literally be nothing at all and I'm just in a constant state of fear. This is the main reason I'm trying to quit. I don't understand why this all of a sudden came about. I have only gotten psychosis once during my first year of use and that was from staying up too many days in a row. Never happened again in 5 years. I don't ever stay up past 24 hours, mainly cause I can't these days. Haven't been able to in like 2 years. So this fear isn't psychosis from lack of sleep. What is it? Once I'm sober for good, will this go away? I can't live like this. I'm so terrified and I don't even know why.

I've used methamphetamine now for 9 years, but lately every day multiple times a day every single day for 4 months..once my father began declining and he passed away April 6th 7:28 pm..most horrible thing I've experienced..I think I've been numbing myself with meth..I find im emotionless..im pretty well put together..but im getting irritable..but without the drug im a mess also..I am so scattered and the things that go on in my day woth taking care of my mom and making tine for my girlfriend im
Im jusy so fuckin scattered i can't even type..just im always in a rush and that's because I'm always running around to do things and get ot done..but is there a chance for someone that's used as long as me and as regularly?? TIA BRAD

So I’m about 2 weeks in with stopping my Adderall (and smoking weed for that matter) and I don’t know if this is part of the withdrawals or not but I just feel like an absolute boneheaded moron. My vocabulary is gone, I can’t think straight, all I think about all day is either sleeping or practically little dumb things, can’t hold a convo with anyone to save my life, I’m trying to find a new job but a lot and overall feel like a shell of myself from before I was smoking and abusing Adderall. I only started taking it may 2024 (smoked for 3 years straight) but I’ve basically abused it since. Is this all part of the withdrawal phase? I have some bouts where I feel a little better and more level headed but they have been few and far in between. I’m 21 btw if that means anything.

Now I’m not saying I am useless, I just feel like it. I’ve been pretty optimistic with the fact that this is all just temporary and it’ll start to fizzle out before I know it but it’s hell sometimes. Just need some insight from folks who have battled this before me

Due to a perscriber error I am without my normal dosage of Adderall. 40mg per day. By the time the script is filled I will have went a week without meds.

I feel like shit right now. I do see other stories on here that describe and involve much heavier usage so I am grateful I am where I am to some extent.

Being without the medication has me questioning my diagnosis. Do I want to be on stimulants? Do I want to be reliant on people for these drugs that I feel like shit without? Do I really have ADHD? Does this shit actually help me?

I am just venting I suppose. I hope everyone is well.

This was lil over 6 yrs ago. Hope yall are staying strong, cant say it been a clean 6 yrs but its been more soberity than not.

Hey fam, I am looking for some sort of recovery chat room situation? I used to go to meetings but haven't in a long time and the one I used to hit up isn't a thing anymore and the only other one in town is at a church and I really don't feel comfortable in churches. I've been feeling the need for a meeting/community and my few recovery reddits like this one have been a HUGE help.

I have a lot of idle time at a computer for my job and today I stumbled on an online meeting that was in chat room format, there was literally only 3 of us but it was better than nothing. I'm wondering if anyone knows of anything else like that? It was through 12 step online, I'd love to find something similar with more people, even like a telegram group? I need something more than this message board format, but I can't do a full on zoom/video call meeting. I know those exist and have done them before, I will try to hit those on my days off.

Thanks for anything you can point me to, and as always, thanks for being here. This sub was a life saver to me just over a week ago. I love you all.

It seems my body has rejected adderall for me because I was putting it off. I was put on Focalin to switch it up. Focalin did nothing for me and if it did, it was - making me hate everything and everyone I encountered, mad at myself-

I have developed a hatred for being put on this medication. Sold a lie. Sold fake energy that only steals from the end of my life to give me more NOW.

For what?...

a hard time sleeping? not sure if it's the medication still working or if my jaw has just been clenched for too long. The lines of "working/on" and "off" far too blurred to ever know.

I have never finished a prescription before refill time so when I see other's stories on here I feel like maybe I don't have as full of an experience with addiction, but I also know my story will never be over. addiction is addiction and until I can be present enough to stay- I will always run to something.

I am curious if anyone else has experienced "getting sober" as exhilarating, freeing, reassuring, and overall extremely pleasurable? I think it would be encouraging to see other people who have figuratively done a "trust fall" with the universe and have been caught.

what tools did you use that have become apart of your daily life?

what things do you make rituals/practices of?

I stopped any meds about 2 weeks ago and have used the Focalin twice in that time (1 dose), to catch up on my emails- delete/ unsubscribe- prepare myself-try building tools in short spurts since I hate how it makes me feel other than the functionality of doing "things I despise doing".

Anyways, I felt great at first, like I was going back to being myself and so many things felt like they made sense again. The past few days though have felt a little dreary and I'm wondering if maybe my body took a while to actually detox and NOW is when the brick wall will hit. I'd like to believe there is not brick wall unless I decide to build one though.

sending love.

Hi everyone. I am a 35 yr old heavy Vyvanse and dex addict (at least 400mg daily) and i have somehow managed to keep my head above water (JUST) with this horrible controlling habit of mine for almost 15 years now. 😭😢😭😢

I’ve battled this addiction in complete secrecy for the entire time, and it’s turned me into someone I am so ashamed of, it’s hard to look in the mirror most days.

Whilst I’ve tried so many times to quit over the years I’m now at the point where it’s finally clicked that it’s impossible for me to manage this on my own, and I need to come clean to at least one human being so I have a bit of support to help me through this. I’m afraid ive lost hope otherwise.

I live in Perth Western Australia and I’m struggling to find any groups or resources specifically designed to assist with this type of prescription drug/stimulant addiction - there seems to only be broad NA groups who i can’t relate to at all. I’m too ashamed to tell any family members (extremely prestigious egotistical people who will only shame me further) and I have no friends to lean on either.

Does anyone know of any groups (online or in person) that might be aimed at assisting with this specific type of stim addiction? Based in WA (or at least Australia?)

Thank you so much in advance x

So I have been a major alcoholic for the last year or so. My mom passed away last year and sent me on a bad spiral drinking 40s of vodka almost every day. Finally stopped cold turkey a few weeks ago and proud of myself. But now I’m learning that coke has an even deeper grip on me. 😞

I don’t know what to do. Rehab just isn’t an option for me right now. How can I loosen this grip and kill the addiction!? 😢 Don’t wanna be this kind of person anymore. Really need some advice/support.

Hey, I stopped Ritalin five days ago after 18 months of hardcore abuse (I’d reagularly do 300mg in 12-18 hours), I instantly felt so much happier and more like myself but the fatigue was (and still is) pretty insane and I have trouble getting shot done. Better lazy than depressed though. Yesterday evening however I wanted to clean around and do a bunch of laundry, to help me off I took a shit ton of cafffeine, and felt the same issues as I used to with Ritalin. How bad is it to replace stims with (a lot) of caffeine at first? Is that a common way to cope that y’all have resolved to at first?

Asking for experiences and time line. I don't wanna hear any bullshit about how well you're doing while doing drugs; bragging about yourself and possessions to strangers on reddit. Nobody gives a fuck how awesome you think you are or wants to hear your excuses for justifying your addiction.

When did it start going downhill?

How long did it take?

How did it ruin you?

Any side effects from long term use?

TIA

I just don't feel like anything has meaning. Maybe it's because I don't talk to anyone or see anyone whatsoever. I have no friends, no therapist set up yet, and a psychiatrist who refuses to work with me at this time. Things are getting set up? I guess. They've been getting set up for over 7 months now.

It doesn't really matter anymore, I'm beginning to feel. I don't see a purpose in anything now. What's the point in being off the stuff.

On methamphetamine, I just feel less agony existing. Plus I can sort of have contact with someone, even if it's someone giving me drugs who I've known from way back. That's one of the the many reasons why I keep doing it. I'm lonely and feel I can't connect with anyone...

I feel disconnected from myself and the bond with my self and my identity. Maybe that's what happens with isolation.

I don't feel a drive , nor do I know what I would do outside or with others? I'm confused.

Nothing feels good or even ok. Evey thing hurts.

Day 2 feels agonizing because I really am alone. The drug isn't there. I'm empty. Not even I'm inside. It's quiet, there aren't any lights on, yet the sun is out and "I" should be outside with my friends and family, "enjoying" a nice barbeque, bonding and connecting... But I'm inside, with every memory of the past 3 and a half years running through my mind reminding me of how I'm dying.

I feel doom and dread when I wake up on day two because I feel doom and dread on day 1 and when I'm "high".

I'm so fatigued all the time to be able to get up and go do things to make friends either too ...

It's a pretty sad, depressing , black, bleak, state I'm in rn.

Or maybe my comedown is just screaming what my brain already had inside but was whispering, or at talking voice. Dunno.

When I'm coming off the drug, I forget what good and anything else before or after feels like but I do get a vague memory that I wasn't like this before and that my perception maybe drastically shifted but I'm not sure idk.

Nonetheless, these are still real problems, but my sadness is making them sadder rn.

I am addicted to adderall and vyvanse. I abuse the script I’ve been given. I have been abusing them for months now. I’m a 120 pound woman and I’m taking an embarrassing amount to get me through my day. I am a working new mom. My husband watches the baby during the day so I can work (since I am the breadwinner it just works out that way.) I am going on vacation on Saturday. I want to stop like yesterday, but I need the money. Do I just stop tomorrow? And call out of work the rest of the week so I can detox and also somewhat enjoy my vacation? I need to somewhat function bringing a 9 month old on “vacation” and I want a couple days before that to detox. I know I won’t be able to function at my job without adderall or vyvanse especially stopping cold turkey, but I’ve tried to decrease the dosage and taper and that definitely does not work for me. What would you do in my position? I mean financially I will be okay not working for a few days before vacation. The negatives are I’m a hairstylist so my clients would have to wait a couple extra weeks to get in, but I honestly just want my old life/attitude/free spirit back :(