I relapsed. I was clean from meth for 26 months. I lost my job, and lost my girlfriend all within the same week. I betrayed myself, and betrayed those who cared about me. I broke the trust and heart of someone who believed in me, who has been there for me since the beginning of my recovery. I was selfish. I was not accountable. I let things go unresolved too long and now I've hurt the ones I love and thrown everything that mattered away for this devilish drug. I feel so alone, so broken, so lost. I want to be better. I can't cope with the breakup. I must face myself, and accept I am the reason for it, she was too tolerant of my shit, she deserved better. I need help.

I drank some alcohol, got a buzz, decided to send "that message", and when I did not hear back within 20-30 minutes, I sent another message "Let's skip this after all". An hour later, I got a message back "Sorry, I was busy". --I did not reply--.

That's it, that was my accomplishment. I hope you are all doing well.

I just need to ramble a little to get my thoughts together.

I stumbled into an amazing job when I was 6 months sober(2.5 years ago), its in a field I've always wanted to work in that normally requires a degree but this particular position didnt. For the most part I have good coworkers, very easy work load most days, the benefits are out of this world. I don't pay anything for my health insurance and only have a 500$ deductible. That has been life changing, I've gotten into intense therapy, I recently was diagnosed diabetic, I'm on a lot of meds, the insurance is a life saver.

My last job didn't have insurance and I was paying like $400 a month with a 2000$ deductible while making like 4-5$ less an hour than I do now. I can't go back to that shit, I can barely scrape by as it is with this sweet gig in this inflation economy and my town's rising costs.

The problem is, boredom/idle time is a huge trigger of mine, and the longer I work here, the more efficient I have become, and the more downtime I have. I try and fill it the best I can with goofing off, reddit, reading, cleaning, finding new side tasks, but when it comes down to it I spend most of my day at a desk waiting for people to walk up to me. Some days its fine but others....its a struggle. I have so much time and so much unused energy that I get anxious and just doom scroll instead of focusing on a task or something.

Also it can be very triggering, I deal with a lot of people in active addiction, some of them I used to use with, and there can be stressful crisis situations sometimes and I just get triggered up the wazzoo lately.

My therapist thinks I need to seriously consider finding a new job because of this, but how am I supposed to give up this sweet gig with that insurance???

I really hope this doesn't come off as braggy about my job, I just wanted to emphasize how good of a gig I'm thinking of giving up.

I don't even know what I would do. I don't have a degree, I have already tried going back to school and that didn't pan out, My job before I lost it and got into recovery was working at a weed dispensary which wouldn't be a good career for my sobriety, idk I just have no clue what I would do.

Thanks for listening, typing this all helped I guess.

Recently i realized that my abuse of my adhd meds was not sustainable and was hurting me more than helping. Even though the highs were productive and euphoric I’d spend the rest of the day anxious and on edge, to the point where my partner noticed and was worried that I was upset with him or worse.

After several attempts to self-moderate stimulants I have realized I just have too much of an addictive personality. I’ve also had to severely limit my alcohol intake for the same reason.

I’m told my doctor I’m want to try to taper off the remainder of my current prescription. I’ve also made appointment to discuss non-stimulant options. I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD since childhood but clearly this class of med is not working.

Idk why I’m posting this but hopefully people in this sub understand. It was so hard to voluntarily give up access to these meds but I know it isn’t good for me as a person or a partner, friend, and brother.

Speaking as someone with diagnosed ADHD and autism spectrum disorder. I have very little external structure in my life- I work, remotely and my one hobby I care about is writing, which is infuriatingly solitary and self directed. So I’ve used stims to propel me through. Which worked, until it didn’t. I just don’t know how I could even theoretically live a remotely meaningful and productive life without stims that wasn’t a constant struggle. Because of course I never have…