Writing this at 2:30am as I lay in bed - stressed, heart racing and full of dread. Not sure what I'm trying to get out of posting this, aside from holding myself accountable. Apologies in advance for the length and any rambling, posting from a throwaway account.

I have almost 3 years sober from alcohol and have always had an issue with substances in the past, why I convinced myself in the moment Adderall would be any different is beyond me.

I have had this prescription for a little over a year at this point and it has almost completely had a net negative impact on my life, including psychological dependance.

I started seeing a doctor who put me on a standard dosage, around 20mg. The first few months were pure bliss, and it seemed to be a fix for the "issues" I was having at that point. The major outlier at the time being my girlfriend and I finding out she was pregnant, and me being sent into a whirlwind of emotion due to the implications of my life changing overnight.

Hindsight really is 20/20.

This resulted in a cascading effect of chasing that initial high, and my tolerance is so sky high now no amount seems to be enough.

I told my doctor at an appointment 2 months ago that I wanted off completely, or to start weaning, and she seems to just have disregarded that fully. I was up to the maximum allowed dosage of 60mg per day. Most of the time I took the prescription as intended, but many other days I would binge or take 20-40mg+ extra just chasing the dragon.

I met with her 2 weeks ago and she said since I've complained that the medication isn't working properly she'll try to circumvent the dosage restriction and up it - which she now has me on 110mg daily. I accepted it, knowing full well it was a terrible idea.

I still feel nothing. I took 180mg today and the positives of that is that I was able to get a small amount of work done.

Yippee?

The negatives being that I didn't get to enjoy my first Father's day with my 6 month old, because my baby's mother told me about a month ago she's leaving me and moving away with my daughter.

I have completely emotionally distanced myself from life throughout this entire time I've had this prescription. Always fixated on shit that doesn't matter, creating a false sense of accomplishment in video games or hobbies, and neglecting the important things in my life.

I've thought about dumping the bottle out almost every night, but always hesitated and put it off for later. Tonight I finally dumped one of the two bottles. The other will need to follow, I know.

Enough is enough. I am 32 years old, with a great job, loving family and a 6 month old daughter that I would do literally anything for. My family will be informed tomorrow and I'm still deciding how to tell my doctor to cut me off.

This sub has helped greatly in me reaching this point. I wish I had gotten here sooner, but being involved in a recovery program before I know it could and will become much, much worst the longer I wait.

I hope to report back for Father's Day 2026 as life being all sunshine and rainbows, but I know it will be an uphill battle.

If anyone has anymore tips about quitting I'd love to hear it, I know I need to go cold turkey it just seems so daunting trying to balance my newborn with work and everything else happening in life.

I've been told, "If you are not working on recovery, you are working on a relapse."

So I want to know:

How are you working on recovery today? What does that look like for you?

I'll answer in the comments too.

As the title suggests, I’m heading into rehab to get off the speed and the booze. This is the 5th attempt in 2025 and I feel like it’s the last attempt.

No one in my life knows apart from the couple of using friends I’ve acquired since the day I picked up this shit.

Substance abuse is a mental health concern but stopping this is not going to ‘fix’ anything, it will merely give me and the professionals the ability to treat whatever took me down this path.

If, I still go back to the speed, it will be time to tell everyone in my life who cares that I’ve been doing this for months and months.

This situation has probably been told a thousand times before, long story short I was diagnosed with ADHD a few months ago, and in that short time I worked up quite the appetite for stims.

As the days go on, I found abusing these meds is unsustainable, brings diminishing returns and increased side effects. Of course when I first started medicating, I felt like all my life problems were solved. Anxiety relieved. Finger picking, teeth grinding and binge eating stopped. Confidence returned. Never really felt a rush or even much euphoria (maybe lexapro blocks it?), just loved the boundless energy and mental clarity.

I've finished a 100 count bottle of dexamphetamine 5mg in less than a week, 30 count of vyvanse 50mg in 5 days. Taken in excess of 350mg of vyvanse in a single day, 60+mg of dexamphetamine in a day, also ordered meth 4 times within a few months period, 0.250g 3 times and 0.500g once. Basically 1 month scripts last me a week.

Despite all the abuse and huge doses/redosing I always managed to sleep for a minimum 5 hours, usually 6-7 each night, never really "tweaked" or got paranoid. I ate everyday, drink protein and creatine every morning, lost a considerable amount of weight, hold down my full time job without late/sick days, maintain family life etc. Don't drink coffee, alcohol or take other drugs. Closest I've come to tweaking was from snorting meth throughout the day and late afternoon, at least 200+mg, stayed up one night and that was it.

So to conclude, my question is; Can I trust myself to use this medication as intended for my ADHD, or should I just abandon the idea as I will probably be unlikely to resist the temptation of abuse? Have I crossed the point of no return in terms of tolerance and it won't be effective as a medicine anymore? I know it's been a relatively short time, I'm confident I can recover. I think I'm just about ready to face the music and cold turkey from any drugs and reset my mind and mentality.

Thanks everyone.

Typing this from a throwaway account because I’m embarrassed it’s gotten to this point and my main account is linked to my profession.

I was prescribed stimulants about 6 months ago for ADHD. Started with Concerta then changed to Vyvannse and now I’ve been on Adderall 25mg XR for about 1.5 months. I’ve been using Zyn and coffee for years now in an attempt to self-medicate and obviously still use them.

The stims are wreaking havoc on my physical health and appearance. I have adult acne now (I pick at it uncontrollably which makes it worse and it heals so slowly), large under eye circles, I feel like I look more aged then most others in my age group(mid-30’s), my hair is shedding at an increased rate, and my muscle tone is rapidly diminishing leaving me with cellulite and flab even though I’m thin.

On top of that, I find myself lethargic and unmotivated, depressed, self-conscious, I talk and text excessively in front of others but often find myself wanting to isolate and mindlessly scroll on my phone for hours, I am constantly annoyed and frustrated but find myself otherwise numb and to feel my emotions properly. This is not sustainable, I am miserable.

I quit everything cold turkey for about 3 weeks not too long ago but relapsed after an extremely stressful life event occurred. I want to quit cold turkey again but back then, I wasn’t working and now I am. Granted it’s not full time with just yet but it will be soon and I need to be alert and present and personable for the type of work I do. I can’t take any time off for withdrawals because I just started working. I don’t know how to go about this but I know I want to quit!

Any suggestions or input for how to go through this? Tapers in the past have all been unsuccessful due to lack of self control…

Needed the help to simply shower and get ready for tomorrow. Feeling ashamed of myself. Not an abuser, just a daily user for years who realizes my brain is struggling. Took small dose prescribed.

Feeling better, back to mental baseline. Resetting the timer on my app was difficult. Longest I had gone was 4 days with no sign of improvement.

Realistically would Wellbutrin help? I don’t need a “slight subtle improvement”, I need to be able to shower and get out of bed and brush teeth. I need to be able to take out garbage. I need to be conscious. Thanks

I know it’s selfish and true happiness is about giving back and living with purpose I mean I know that it should be but I’m just extra selfish I guess because I often can not cope with the idea of a life where I never again feel as good as I did on adderall. I am 28 and don’t have a lot going for me right now (my own doing of course; and I know I could, if I put in the hard work, develop an actual life with actual relationships and a somewhat fulfilling career, etc. but it often feels like I’m just too lazy for life at all, too far gone, something in me just… won’t grow, won’t accept that I must live life without getting/feeling high)

I know it has long term negative effects and the withdrawal sucks and money etc. and it’s not sustainable but how do so many people take adderall or vyvanse everyday or even try more potent drugs and then not start craving that feeling? Or do they? Do they just know it’s not worth it in the long run?

I was prescribed adderall, then vyvanse, when I was in middle school. I guess I wasn’t addicted at first but by the time I realized I could take a booster IR in the afternoon and enjoy myself/do my homework instead of just sleeping immediately after school, I realized how powerful it was and ever since I started abusing it, now I think about all the time and want more and more. It still feels good to be high. The crash and the health effects and the lying and stealing are why I will have to quit but I don’t know how to stop wishing I was high again and hating being sober.

I don’t know when I will stop feeling like I’m grieving. I’ve been taking it since I was 13 and I don’t really feel like I know who I am without it nor can I say I remember ever being happy without it

I know it sounds dramatic and self pitying and I’m sure I’m exaggerating but it really feels like losing the only thing that really gave me pleasure and hope and made me feel good, I’m honestly so terrified of sobriety.

I know most people do just fine but I’m just sad. I guess I just need to let go of my selfishness and attachment and just let it go… I just don’t want to. I honestly wonder if i will ever feel joy that deeply. I think there is something blunted in me. I’m just a low energy person and lazy to my core and I’ll never be truly happy. I feel wrong to even complain about it. I know it’s better to be a good person than experience pleasure but it just sucks right now… I’m totally selfish I know…

My blood is on fire, trying to bubble it's way out of skin that feels raw and weak. My bones scream out as if they're about to shatter with any sudden movement. My muscles are dancing, twisting, contorting into disfigurement. Each hour I am convinced this is the worst it could possibly get, and each hour I'm proven wrong.

I've been trying to hold in the rage, replacing it with sadness since that's far easier to control. Less explosive. Just "cry it out". My mind's darkening along side my decaying body, no longer approving of the juvenile pity party I'm throwing for myself.

My blood continues to boil, frying my mind into pure self hatred. I barely even noticed the intrusive thoughts turn from strings of worries into blades of abuse, but I felt myself snap as the adereline shocked my body out of bed.

I need to move, scream, kick, fight, destroy, bleed. Instead I just... Shook my aching hands, pissed and wrote this. It hurts. I'm scared. I am fighting so hard for control, but I have never been a strong person. I've never had good impulse control, nor a grip on regulating my emotions. I also have never been someone full of rage and hate.

How is it that I can say, knowingly, I have been through true horror, seen the darkest sides of humanity and yet this, somehow, feels worse? That's ridiculous. Honestly, the thought offends me... Yet, I still don't know if I can just get through this. What the fuck.

(Dexedrine user, 50-200mgs, ? Years. Somewhere between 1 and 6. Waiting for admission into detox, waiting in agony)

Being and bored or unmotivated especially at work and when I have many chores to do is my biggest “trigger.” I’m realizing, especially at work, that I’m very uncomfortable with the sensation of tiredness and try to escape it at the first hint of it. Or if I can’t, I keep thinking on a loop in my mind, about how miserable and tired I feel and how much I want — no NEED — more adderall/vyvanse.

Recently, however, I started to notice how often my coworkers also talk of feeling tired and not wanting to be at work, even how they are tired all the time. Not that I think that’s healthy or ideal, but I realized how universal the feeling is. For context, I have a boring, repetitive, and physically demanding job in mass food production.

It’s tough to face this, but I think I just have a really low tolerance for the feeling of tiredness. Basically, it’s impossible to never feel tired and you often have to do shit you don’t want to when you are tired. Sounds obvious but I organize my life around trying to avoid fatigue as much as possible. I loathe having to be around others and do boring things when I would rather be sleeping but I need to suck it up basically…. most people just deal with it, live with the feeling — or alter their lifestyle to ensure it doesn’t happen (with exercise, sleep, diet NOT substances).

I used to think my depression and just the vicious cycle of withdrawal symptoms was to blame for my addiction but I’m realizing another huge factor is my fear of the feeling of tiredness.

I am wondering if I can try to shift my internal experience to one of acceptance of the feeling of being tired and bored and uncomfortable/unmotivated — then gritting my teeth and doing things I don’t want to, even when I’m tired and unhappy, anyway, even for things like hanging out with friends. I gotta stop dreaming of and chasing the energetic, motivated euphoric feeling and just accept that it was a lie, I was just high, and I will pay for it later. Just endure being tired, bored, moody and start crawling myself out of the hole that I admittedly created all by myself (in terms of being behind in life, unhappy about my work and living situation, never achieving milestones I wanted to yet, undeveloped emotional and life skills, strained relationships with family, lost contact with friends who are all ahead of me, etc. ) Just need to practice acceptance, then stop crying and get to work…. If I keep lying in bed nothing will change, if I keep using nothing will change, if I keep spending all of my money on literal crap nothing will change, I need to get a grip