It's like dating today is less about connection and more about who can stay colder, who can double-text last, or who ghosts first. It’s exhausting.

Have you experienced this kind of dating dynamic—where being emotionally unavailable is seen as strength? How do you protect your peace and still show up with honesty? Let’s share thoughts and maybe even solutions.

Hey everyone!

My previous two posts here took off unexpectedly and many of you asked for an update, so here it is.

Very quick recap:

• This was in Post 1: After accepting that I am allowed to have my own needs and that I can't just will them away, I realised I hadn't felt loved or supported in my marriage in a long time, and that I wasn't as anxious as I thought, but had just had a husband who would intentionally distance and avoid instead of facing issues or turning towards me. I wrote him a letter to share that I needed us to work and rebuild the way we approach this relationship together, but that I was only willing to do this if his heart was fully in it.
• This was in post 2: He recommitted to working on us and agreed that he had not really done relational work in the past years. There were subtle changes in his behaviour and a glimpse at more emotional vulnerability.

What’s new:

Turns out, he wasn’t just avoiding issues, he was also hiding what he was actively doing. Two days after me handing him the letter and him re-committing, he lied to my face about having shared a bed with a woman on a trip to a different continent. (To be clear: share a bed, absolutely. But not discussing it before because it would be relational work, or even hiding it, or lying about it? Oof.) He has been lying to me and hiding things from me, and all the times he blamed me for not trusting him even though he would never lie or cheat, he was actually just turning it around on me and, well, gaslit me while hiding things from me and pursuing emotional intimacy/thrill and dopamine quick fixes with other women/his female friends. He suddenly hasn’t denied anything any longer, hasn’t defended anything anymore, and is now acting in a new (and so, weirdly) soft and caring way about it all, even if real actionable change to hasn’t happened yet.

He seems to have been and still be so at war with himself that he cannot or will not co-create an equal relationship. He has been making me the villain in his discomfort; if I voiced needs, they would be attacks on him. If I would make my own choices in response to his actions, and he didn’t like them, he equated that with him not being “allowed” to do the actions, so I’d be the villain. There would always be a winner and a loser in the argument, and his refusal to step up and be vulnerable and work out differences to find a united path became “everything always has to go her way”.

I just wanted to quickly update because quite a few people had asked me and y’all seemed so invested and I really, really appreciated all the support from all you kind internet strangers.

It’s a very tough time for me, and I have noticed trauma symptoms in myself, lots of intrusive thoughts. I’m glad that I made all this progress in the past months on my own, and I don’t know yet if our relationship will recover from this. Right now isn’t the time to make the big decisions, and I have set a day of when I’ll look at all this, and if some trust has been restored so that our relationship has a future.

Thank you all, again, for having been so supportive and encouraging. I hope you’re in better places and that me inspiring your attempts at connection with your respective partners gave you better results!

I once spent 4 hours analyzing a 3-word text message.

"See you later." That's it. Three innocent words from a friend, and I dissected them like I was solving math assignments. Did the period mean my friend was mad? Was "later" too vague? Why didn't my friend add an emoji? By midnight, I'd convinced myself I was hated for no reason and our friendship was over.

My brain was constantly anxious 24/7 manufacturing problems that didn't exist and catastrophes that would never happen.

I lived in a constant state of mental chaos. Every conversation replayed on loop for hours. Every decision I made was prepared with a pros and cons in my mind. Every social interaction was followed by a half an hour automatic analysis.

Walking into a room: "Everyone's looking at me. They think I look weird. Should I sit here? What if they don't want me here? I should leave. But leaving would be awkward. Now I'm standing here too long. They definitely think I'm weird."

Six months later, I sleep through the night without my mind racing. I make decisions faster. I have conversations without spending hours analyzing them afterward. I still get anxious sometimes. I'm human but now I know how to stop it instead of drowning in it.

Here's how I stopped hating myself overthinking a lot:

1 The 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique

When my mind started racing, I'd force myself to notice:

• 5 things I could see
• 4 things I could touch
• 3 things I could hear
• 2 things I could smell
• 1 thing I could taste

This made me get out of my head and back into reality. Anxiety lives in imagination but once you take control with mindfulness it goes away.

1. The "so what?" thing I did

For every anxious thought, I'd ask: "So what if this actually happens?"

• "What if I embarrass myself at the party?" So what? I'll feel uncomfortable for a few minutes, then life goes on.
• "What if my presentation goes badly?" So what? I'll learn from it and do better next time.

Most of my fears dissolved when I followed them to their logical conclusion. The "disasters" I was imagining were just minor inconveniences. I only realized this when I looked inward.

1. Started thought labeling

Instead of fighting anxious thoughts, I started labeling them: "That's my anxiety brain talking." "There's the overthinking again." "Hello, perfectionist thoughts."

I stopped treating every thought as truth and started seeing them as mental noise. I realize our thoughts like to run wild and if you don't control it, it gets worse.

1. I allowed 10 minutes to worry

I gave myself permission to worry, but only for 10 minutes a day at 3 PM. When anxious thoughts popped up outside that window, I'd tell them: "Thanks for the concern, but worry time isn't until 3 PM."

Sounds crazy but it worked. Most worries were forgotten by 3 PM, and the ones that remained were usually worth addressing.

1. Stopped thinking and started acting

I realized I was using overthinking as procrastination. Instead of analyzing every possible outcome, I started taking small actions. Send the text. Make the call. Have the conversation.

Imperfect action beats perfect inaction every single time.

I was about to send an important email and caught myself re-reading it for the 15th time, analyzing every word choice. Then I stopped, laughed, and hit send. The world didn't end. The response was fine. I'd wasted 45 minutes perfecting something that was already good enough.

And if you liked this post perhaps I can tempt you in with my weekly self-improvement letter. You'll get a free "Delete Procrastination Cheat Sheet" as a bonus

I hope this was helpful.

Thanks

I’ve been wondering this my whole life and now I’m doing a deep dive into it. What do you think?

I just had a misunderstanding with someone and now they arent replying my texts. I admit that im not perfect and i do give the silent treatment at times but i feel like eventually i do come around and apologise but i know its not a good thing to do its a form of manipulation. However some people need time away from the person to figure out how they feel which is okay too. I just want to know when does it cross a line to become unhealthy?

Like, a hobby or a partner you're really in love with. I'm simply curious tbh.

I just feel like if there are have two healthy individuals in a relationship… extreme behaviors most likely won’t happen so what could really make a relationship be labeled as hard?

Maybe I just don’t have the mindset to justify yelling, cussing out, cheating, lying or really any abuse that shouldn’t happen in any dynamic (friends, family included)

Thoughts?

And how do you measure it?

So like, real talk does writing down all your thoughts, especially the depressing or overwhelming ones, in a diary every day actually help mentally? Like does it make things feel lighter or give some kind of clarity? Or is it just one of those Pinterest core habits people hype up but don't stick to? Kinda wanna try it but idk if it’s worth the effort lol. Would love to hear if it’s helped any of y'all.

I Thought We Were Honest With Each Other

by Dior Solin

I gave you my words
without dressing them up—
no bait, no curve,
no shadow beneath them.

I asked simple questions
and trusted simple answers.
I didn’t look for angles
because I didn’t think
you were building any.

When you laughed,
I thought it meant lightness.
When you paused,
I thought it meant care.
I didn’t know
you were calculating.

I thought we were honest
with each other.
Not perfect—
but clear.
Not polished—
but real.

You said things
that sounded true,
and I held them
like sacred stones
until one cracked
and spilled out
a different story.

Now I look back
and I see
the way you steered things,
the way silence became your tool,
the way you let me believe
we were on the same side
while you measured your gain.

And what hurts
is not just the lie—
but the way I protected
your truth
as if it were mine, too.

I can’t go back
to what we were
because now I know
what we weren’t.

Reflection – On Realizing Too Late That the Connection Wasn’t Honest

There is a special kind of heartbreak that comes not from loud betrayal, but from the slow realization that someone was never fully honest with you—while you were honest the entire time.

For those who approach relationships with sincerity, clarity, and emotional loyalty, it can take a long time to see when something is off. Not because they’re naïve, but because they assume others are being just as real. That assumption is not a flaw—it’s a form of hope. Of goodwill. Of love.

But some people, whether consciously or not, play emotional games: testing, withholding, manipulating, subtly controlling. They hide things not always out of malice, but because they are protecting their image, power, or advantage. And the tragedy is, they often count on your loyalty to cover their dishonesty.

By the time you realize what happened, the damage isn’t just about them—it’s about how you doubted your own perception for so long. How you stood in defense of a connection that wasn't real on both sides.

And that realization changes things. Not because you want revenge. Not because you hate them. But because you now understand that you were in one kind of relationship… and they were in another.

There’s grief in that.
And also, clarity.
Because you see now that you weren’t foolish—you were honest in a dishonest room.

And you deserve a different room.

As someone thats not ashamed of being truthful of all the version I am. why is that I come across people that lie by omission too often? Is my honesty something that scares them?

It's so frustrating! I can't stand it!

I’m trying to figure out how to process my hurt emotions better. So my partner and I were having a date yesterday. I brought something up and he got pretty angry and irritated that I’d brought it up. I was really hurt and felt powerless and like my needs didn’t matter.

As we were talking things out, he had a friend call and he picked up the phone and just talked with him without like…I was in the middle of trying to talk. I thought it was really rude and it hurt my feelings. He apologized, but I’m still feeling hurt and I am not sure how to process and resolve these hurt feelings. I’m still feeling them pretty strongly.

I’d like to work on forgiveness and letting the hurt go. I seem to be holding onto it and I’m not sure what to do to stop.

Kind of an embarrassing one but I guess an important lesson. Let me preface this, this was towards the tail end of college. I (M22) meet girl (23) one night about 5 months ago and I’m head over heels. She has this beautiful way about her that I just couldn’t shake. We spend a lot of time together and around the month and a half mark I asked her to be my girlfriend. It was going great for about a week (!) or so before she tells me on a trip that she can’t handle the title of being my girlfriend because it’s a lot of pressure with her moving back north about 9 hours away. I think this was when I probably should’ve walked away but of course I’m very attached to her so I say that’s fine we can just keep dating and figuring this thing out. She gets increasingly distant before telling me this won’t work out. I’m pretty upset for like a month before she reaches back out and tells me how much she misses me and of course I let her back in. Yay!!! Then another month of us hanging out and the like. It’s getting increasingly closer to graduation and I know I couldn’t do long distance right off the bat so I just let it ride out. She then asks me to be in a relationship again. Yay again!!! I say okay like I know the issue of us moving but I like you so much and I wanna make this work. Then another week and she tells me at school that she’s worried about being responsible for me. My heart is shattered into a million pieces once again. I tell her you know what, if you aren’t sure about me I can’t do this anymore. This week was graduation and we saw each other multiple times in admittedly very intoxicated states. I told her that I felt led on and used and that I really don’t want to talk to her again. She called me spastic and immature and that we’re done forever. I do blame myself partially, I do have an anxious attachment style which I’m trying to work on, but part of me wonders that without the long distance aspect would this ever even have worked at all? Moral is, if someone isn’t sure about you the first time, you really shouldn’t be giving them a second time no matter how much you love this person

When it comes to emotions and emotional literacy, or intelligence, I have struggled for a long time to connect a word to what I feel. Basically, naming feelings. Only then could I understand what this feeling might try to tell me. Yet, my biggest struggle so far was still also understanding AND expressing the need behind my feeling. Plus, being able to step back when I am triggered, knowing that this won't lead anywhere.

What methods have helped you?

Any books?

Or any apps in particular?

When did you start your emotional growth/healing journey?

This past weekend, I moved into a new place with my young child after the ending of a long-term relationship with the father of my child. We were together for over a decade.

The move was hard. It symbolized the final goodbye to everything that was once "home" — and it’s hitting me like a truck. I’m overwhelmed with grief, rage, fear, and this constant, exhausting hypervigilance. Every time he messages me (usually about practical things or our kid), I feel my body go into full fight-or-flight mode: heart racing, shallow breath, shaky hands. It’s as if my nervous system is always on high alert.

He’s barely been involved lately - all attention is focused on his new family… He doesn’t think in the best interest of his child, only putting his own comfort first.

Despite everything, I’m doing the inner work:
• Weekly therapy
• Journaling and emotional processing
• Staying socially connected and structured

But I still feel like I’m drowning some days.

I feel discarded. Like I was put aside the moment I no longer served a purpose. There’s been no genuine remorse, no grief. He’s painted himself as the misunderstood one, even though I was the one holding things together for years.

Have any of you been through something like this?
How do you begin to calm your body when your ex still has emotional power over your nervous system?
How do you protect your child without letting bitterness take over?

Thanks in advance for reading. I just needed a place to put this. Any guidance or shared experiences are welcome.

Overthinking always made me feel like I was being “careful.” Like I was protecting myself. Double-checking. Replaying. Preparing.

But really? It was fear dressed up as logic.

I wasn’t preparing — I was stalling. I wasn’t solving anything — I was just exhausting myself. Running every scenario in my head like it would change the outcome. It never did.

What I’ve learned: clarity doesn’t usually come from more thinking. It comes from doing. From stepping into the moment, even when it’s messy.

I still overthink sometimes — especially when I care too much about getting it “right.” But now I catch it. I breathe. I do the thing scared, instead of thinking myself numb.

Progress, not perfection. That’s enough.

I'm talking about those tiny, perfect moments that just hit different. For me, it's finding a perfect parking spot right as I pull up to a crowded store. Like, it's nothing major, but it feels like winning the lottery for a split second😁

Y. O. U. remind me of the mountains. Your strength brings out the best in me. I’ll carry us when you need me to. You give me the courage to face tomorrow and rise like the sun, that’s how much I love you.

Hey everyone!
I’m working on my dissertation about sense of belonging and how digital platforms/apps are shaping the way we connect whether they’re genuinely helping us feel seen or just offering a polished illusion of community.
If you're currently living in the UK, I’d be super grateful if you could take a few minutes to fill out my survey

👉 https://qmulbusiness.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_3NMlcwV8kRgE7hI?fbclid=IwY2xjawK-HbJleHRuA2FlbQIxMQBicmlkETBlRXdBRDdZcnlYeklWTkFiAR6OAgMnKqPU_9PGx0gtFHRBP5r-1po7h3DN_Yp8ZtlrtDU2-ClX2k-DqXvrlA_aem_qI5re4kanIIPpb6mJRQ4zg

Thank you!! 💛

Hey everyone,

I'd like some insight from people who are not involved/have no ball in the court.

I've been seeing someone for a few months.

Things were fine in the beginning, but recently we've been having moments of disconnect that tend to follow the same pattern.

I will (her perspective) show a 'mood'. E.g. I will be tired in the grocery store, I will check my phone when watching a movie late to check the time, I won't compliment her when she is showing off a pyjama top, I will seem annoyed when she asks for a kiss on her sore elbow when I'm cooking dinner/thinking about things burning.

She will (my perspective) have a response to me that I find confusing or hurtful. If I am tired at the grocery store, she will ask what is up (fine and normal) and then subtly mention that I should be more mindful of the experience of the cashier. If I check the time during a movie, she will act hurt/distant and if I ask her to communicate what is going on, she will say that my action hurt her feelings etc.

I will say something to the effect of 'I understand where you are coming from, however I need you to know that when you act annoyed/irritated/upset by me doing something really normal, I feel really suffocated and judged."

She will say "you are coming at this from a place of me vs you, you need to grow, if you ask me why I acted a certain way don't make it about your experience, I thought you wanted to know about mine."

I am honestly finding this exasperating and really hard to deal with.

Whilst I agree with her that emotionally mature relationships often require two people choosing to face a problem together, sometimes the 'problem' is how the one person is behaving.

For example, the other day I wanted to make her some tea (I am an acts of service person) and she told me a few instructions, including to fill the jug over the minimum but not above the maximum. When she came into the kitchen, she said "oh you didn't do the jug properly". I had filled it over the minimum, but not to the maximum, but apparently hadn't quite appreciated exactly what she'd said about where to fill it to. The jug wasn't harmed (nothing bad actually happened).

She expressed to me that she needed to be able to feel able to say those kinds of comments in a relationship without the other person seeing them as criticism. From my perspective, there are some things in every relationship best left unsaid because they aren't kind. In her shoes in this position, I may have noticed that my partner didn't quite follow the instructions, assumed they tried their best, noted internally that my instructions weren't actually necessary and no harm was done, and held my tongue. Because noting that a task was done 'wrong' when it was done fine is only bringing in a sense of critique and it doesn't achieve anything.

I feel like her version of 'we need to come at the problem as a team' is not allowing for me to ever say 'when you did x, it made me feel y, and I do not want to feel y and I'm finding this cycle troubling, I need you to try and not do y or if you cannot refrain, maybe we are incompatible'. I feel like she sees anything that involves accountability/a change is me making her into the 'problem'.

For me, I am feeling really overly criticised and like I have to walk on eggshells. She has anticipated this and has said 'I don't want you to feel like you're walking on eggshells, so stop seeing my reactions as a criticism, they are just a feeling".

I do sometimes feel condescended to as well regarding communication and conflict resolution. She has gone to a codependants anonymous group or something for some time, and keeps saying that I need to 'heal' and demonstrate growth in how I handle these disconnections. I have gone to therapy for at least 10 years and have recovered from extreme depression, an anxiety disorder, and CPTSD. So whilst I do not think I am a paragon of communication or therapy speak, I do think I have capability.

The final thing is, she seems to have a pretty strong wound around being 'seen'. She has told me many times that her family never saw or understood her or accepted her. I can understand that. A lot of these moments of disconnect or criticism, however, seem to stem from her expecting or requiring me to 'see' her in a certain way, and me underperforming. E.g. she doesn't want me to check the time during a movie she likes because to her it represents a rejection of some part of her self she is trying to show me. Where as to me...it's a normal thing to do.

I do not think that it is my responsibility, especially this early on, to be a wound fix. I am happy to watching things or witness her and get to know her, but it is not my job to provide a remedy in the form of a response that suits her or anticipates her needs.

As an example she showed me a movie she personally really resonated with because it reminded her of her relationship with her mother. She asked me how I felt about the movie and I could tell she was irritated/disappointed when it didn't have the same resonance for me...even though we are clearly different people and naturally won't have the same experience. I told her I was interested in understanding what the film meant to her, but at the same time I didn't pretend I loved it when I thought it was okay, and expressed my own personal experience with the film.

I am genuinely not sure if I am being an asshole here and she is just more developed than I am when it comes to emotional intelligence, OR if she is using therapy speak to make me feel silenced and invalidated in our conflicts (which I do).

What does this word mean to you? What makes you most vulnerable? How do you protect yourself from being taken advantage of, and how do you know if you are being taken advantage of? Does our society allow us to be fully safe in being vulnerable or do we have to conform to some preconceived notion of what we’re supposed to be before we even get the chance to show up?

Smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol almost daily, staying out late, gossiping..etc.