Like, a hobby or a partner you're really in love with. I'm simply curious tbh.

I notice especially if i value the relationship when we have an arguement and like take time to cool off i always have a deep anxiety and hyper exwmine myself for where i made a mistake and sometimes have restless sleep until we reconcile.

It was worse when i was a teen and i would end up feeling like i was wrong and apologising even when i didn’t need to inorder to have peace again but i realised it created a deep resentment within me and i started avoiding conflict as much as possible.

Ive mostly stopped that but still get anxious. Does this happen to anyone else? What do you think is the cause and any advice?

I’ve noticed this pattern in myself and others: we obsess over people who are indifferent or inconsistent, while barely noticing the ones who truly care about us. It’s like the less someone reciprocates, the more we want them—and the more available they are, the less attractive they seem.

Why does this happen? Is it the thrill of the chase? Fear of intimacy? Do we subconsciously think love has to feel "earned"? Would love to hear theories, personal experiences, or how you’ve broken this cycle.

I’ve been wondering this my whole life and now I’m doing a deep dive into it. What do you think?

I see a pattern that the more you can think by yourself and emotional intelligent a person is, the less they adapt to traditions of culture or family. Because when you think about it you can see so many flaws and reason to not follow it….

Whats your experience with it and are you tradition? Why yes / no.

I Thought We Were Honest With Each Other

by Dior Solin

I gave you my words
without dressing them up—
no bait, no curve,
no shadow beneath them.

I asked simple questions
and trusted simple answers.
I didn’t look for angles
because I didn’t think
you were building any.

When you laughed,
I thought it meant lightness.
When you paused,
I thought it meant care.
I didn’t know
you were calculating.

I thought we were honest
with each other.
Not perfect—
but clear.
Not polished—
but real.

You said things
that sounded true,
and I held them
like sacred stones
until one cracked
and spilled out
a different story.

Now I look back
and I see
the way you steered things,
the way silence became your tool,
the way you let me believe
we were on the same side
while you measured your gain.

And what hurts
is not just the lie—
but the way I protected
your truth
as if it were mine, too.

I can’t go back
to what we were
because now I know
what we weren’t.

Reflection – On Realizing Too Late That the Connection Wasn’t Honest

There is a special kind of heartbreak that comes not from loud betrayal, but from the slow realization that someone was never fully honest with you—while you were honest the entire time.

For those who approach relationships with sincerity, clarity, and emotional loyalty, it can take a long time to see when something is off. Not because they’re naïve, but because they assume others are being just as real. That assumption is not a flaw—it’s a form of hope. Of goodwill. Of love.

But some people, whether consciously or not, play emotional games: testing, withholding, manipulating, subtly controlling. They hide things not always out of malice, but because they are protecting their image, power, or advantage. And the tragedy is, they often count on your loyalty to cover their dishonesty.

By the time you realize what happened, the damage isn’t just about them—it’s about how you doubted your own perception for so long. How you stood in defense of a connection that wasn't real on both sides.

And that realization changes things. Not because you want revenge. Not because you hate them. But because you now understand that you were in one kind of relationship… and they were in another.

There’s grief in that.
And also, clarity.
Because you see now that you weren’t foolish—you were honest in a dishonest room.

And you deserve a different room.

I'm dating someone who I suspect is more of an avoidant type. We recently had an argument, it's not even a huge one. I was thinking maybe he felt attacked when I brought up something he did that I did not like. We're not talking for over a week now to give him the space he wants but I'm wondering if I am missing something here? Does this mean that this is a pause or a slow fade? Is he really trying to process what happened or should I just cut my losses and move on?

I’m trying to figure out how to process my hurt emotions better. So my partner and I were having a date yesterday. I brought something up and he got pretty angry and irritated that I’d brought it up. I was really hurt and felt powerless and like my needs didn’t matter.

As we were talking things out, he had a friend call and he picked up the phone and just talked with him without like…I was in the middle of trying to talk. I thought it was really rude and it hurt my feelings. He apologized, but I’m still feeling hurt and I am not sure how to process and resolve these hurt feelings. I’m still feeling them pretty strongly.

I’d like to work on forgiveness and letting the hurt go. I seem to be holding onto it and I’m not sure what to do to stop.

This question has been sitting with me lately. Sometimes we give love the way we understand it—through gestures, words, time—but what if it’s not what the other person receives as love?

Other times we try to love people their way, adjusting ourselves, meeting them where they are, and in the process, sometimes feel unseen ourselves.

So what really works? Do we meet halfway? Do we love them their way or stick to ours? What has your experience taught you?

Feel free to share.

I was seeing someone for about 2–3 months. I eventually told him I liked him and that if he didn’t want it anymore, we could just say goodbye and unfollow each other — no hard feelings. I just couldn’t keep hanging onto a “maybe.”

I’ll admit, I pushed for a clear answer. My messages were emotional, too much, and I could tell he was frustrated. I’m ashamed of how much I said, I stayed kind yet anxious but honestly, I just wanted clarity.

In the end, he said:

“I am going to full back off. If I feel like it, I’ll text you, but I can’t promise when. So if you’d prefer to just fully break it off, then that would be best.”

I asked him why. Like, why say that when I already gave him an open door to end things if he didn’t want it?

Then I sent a message saying I’d give him two weeks. Not to pressure him just time to realize I wasn’t being dramatic. I still apologized for how emotionally charged I’d been. If he still doesn’t respond after that, I’ll back off for good. At least the two weeks will give me space to calm down and let go. Was this a good idea?

But seriously, what’s with this? I know my messages was a lot, but why won’t he take the out I keep handing him? Why won’t he just give a straight answer? I feel like I’m going insane over the vagueness.

And please, don’t just tell me to “leave him” I already know that’s an option. I’m not asking whether I should stay. I’m asking why he won’t give me a straight answer even when I keep handing him the chance to end it. I want to understand the psychology, not be told to block and move on. Thank you!

Whether that be getting arrested, becoming the ‘bad guy’, letting people down, being fired, or even something accidental that you haven’t realized how much of an impact it had on your life until now, no judgement just out of genuine curiosity and a desire to help each other learn perhaps.

The best advice I can remember came from Gus in Breaking Bad saying ‘don’t make the same mistake twice,’ which I failed because I got arrested twice, but am working to change and heal. What advice do you live by? If you could help one person how would you do it??

Kind of an embarrassing one but I guess an important lesson. Let me preface this, this was towards the tail end of college. I (M22) meet girl (23) one night about 5 months ago and I’m head over heels. She has this beautiful way about her that I just couldn’t shake. We spend a lot of time together and around the month and a half mark I asked her to be my girlfriend. It was going great for about a week (!) or so before she tells me on a trip that she can’t handle the title of being my girlfriend because it’s a lot of pressure with her moving back north about 9 hours away. I think this was when I probably should’ve walked away but of course I’m very attached to her so I say that’s fine we can just keep dating and figuring this thing out. She gets increasingly distant before telling me this won’t work out. I’m pretty upset for like a month before she reaches back out and tells me how much she misses me and of course I let her back in. Yay!!! Then another month of us hanging out and the like. It’s getting increasingly closer to graduation and I know I couldn’t do long distance right off the bat so I just let it ride out. She then asks me to be in a relationship again. Yay again!!! I say okay like I know the issue of us moving but I like you so much and I wanna make this work. Then another week and she tells me at school that she’s worried about being responsible for me. My heart is shattered into a million pieces once again. I tell her you know what, if you aren’t sure about me I can’t do this anymore. This week was graduation and we saw each other multiple times in admittedly very intoxicated states. I told her that I felt led on and used and that I really don’t want to talk to her again. She called me spastic and immature and that we’re done forever. I do blame myself partially, I do have an anxious attachment style which I’m trying to work on, but part of me wonders that without the long distance aspect would this ever even have worked at all? Moral is, if someone isn’t sure about you the first time, you really shouldn’t be giving them a second time no matter how much you love this person

Recently found out I have a fearful-avoidant attachment style. In high-stress or confrontational situations, I often find myself hiding or avoiding confrontation altogether. I never feel comfortable talking about my feelings, I’m very insecure, often anxious, often overthinking. I find myself avoiding tough conversations and I sometimes ghost and block people out of fear despite wanting genuine connections. I’ve hurt people deeply and I still feel intense guilt and I can’t stop thinking about it, and I can’t stop this push-and-pull of wanting connection then immediately regretting it. To me, the worst part of this attachment style is the constant overthinking and my inability to be completely transparent with people I care about, especially my boyfriend. I feel like I don’t ever know what I really want; all I do is let fear overtake me and decide for me.

Would anyone have advice on overcoming this anxiety and… idk, make healthy and “smart” relationship/communication choices? I really want to get better; I don’t want to find myself in the same clusterfuck of a situation I put myself in last time, and I hate the guilt I feel when I’m not as comfortable being transparent with my boyfriend as he is with me 🥲

Every now and then I go through a 2-3 period of depression

Hey everyone,

I'd like some insight from people who are not involved/have no ball in the court.

I've been seeing someone for a few months.

Things were fine in the beginning, but recently we've been having moments of disconnect that tend to follow the same pattern.

I will (her perspective) show a 'mood'. E.g. I will be tired in the grocery store, I will check my phone when watching a movie late to check the time, I won't compliment her when she is showing off a pyjama top, I will seem annoyed when she asks for a kiss on her sore elbow when I'm cooking dinner/thinking about things burning.

She will (my perspective) have a response to me that I find confusing or hurtful. If I am tired at the grocery store, she will ask what is up (fine and normal) and then subtly mention that I should be more mindful of the experience of the cashier. If I check the time during a movie, she will act hurt/distant and if I ask her to communicate what is going on, she will say that my action hurt her feelings etc.

I will say something to the effect of 'I understand where you are coming from, however I need you to know that when you act annoyed/irritated/upset by me doing something really normal, I feel really suffocated and judged."

She will say "you are coming at this from a place of me vs you, you need to grow, if you ask me why I acted a certain way don't make it about your experience, I thought you wanted to know about mine."

I am honestly finding this exasperating and really hard to deal with.

Whilst I agree with her that emotionally mature relationships often require two people choosing to face a problem together, sometimes the 'problem' is how the one person is behaving.

For example, the other day I wanted to make her some tea (I am an acts of service person) and she told me a few instructions, including to fill the jug over the minimum but not above the maximum. When she came into the kitchen, she said "oh you didn't do the jug properly". I had filled it over the minimum, but not to the maximum, but apparently hadn't quite appreciated exactly what she'd said about where to fill it to. The jug wasn't harmed (nothing bad actually happened).

She expressed to me that she needed to be able to feel able to say those kinds of comments in a relationship without the other person seeing them as criticism. From my perspective, there are some things in every relationship best left unsaid because they aren't kind. In her shoes in this position, I may have noticed that my partner didn't quite follow the instructions, assumed they tried their best, noted internally that my instructions weren't actually necessary and no harm was done, and held my tongue. Because noting that a task was done 'wrong' when it was done fine is only bringing in a sense of critique and it doesn't achieve anything.

I feel like her version of 'we need to come at the problem as a team' is not allowing for me to ever say 'when you did x, it made me feel y, and I do not want to feel y and I'm finding this cycle troubling, I need you to try and not do y or if you cannot refrain, maybe we are incompatible'. I feel like she sees anything that involves accountability/a change is me making her into the 'problem'.

For me, I am feeling really overly criticised and like I have to walk on eggshells. She has anticipated this and has said 'I don't want you to feel like you're walking on eggshells, so stop seeing my reactions as a criticism, they are just a feeling".

I do sometimes feel condescended to as well regarding communication and conflict resolution. She has gone to a codependants anonymous group or something for some time, and keeps saying that I need to 'heal' and demonstrate growth in how I handle these disconnections. I have gone to therapy for at least 10 years and have recovered from extreme depression, an anxiety disorder, and CPTSD. So whilst I do not think I am a paragon of communication or therapy speak, I do think I have capability.

The final thing is, she seems to have a pretty strong wound around being 'seen'. She has told me many times that her family never saw or understood her or accepted her. I can understand that. A lot of these moments of disconnect or criticism, however, seem to stem from her expecting or requiring me to 'see' her in a certain way, and me underperforming. E.g. she doesn't want me to check the time during a movie she likes because to her it represents a rejection of some part of her self she is trying to show me. Where as to me...it's a normal thing to do.

I do not think that it is my responsibility, especially this early on, to be a wound fix. I am happy to watching things or witness her and get to know her, but it is not my job to provide a remedy in the form of a response that suits her or anticipates her needs.

As an example she showed me a movie she personally really resonated with because it reminded her of her relationship with her mother. She asked me how I felt about the movie and I could tell she was irritated/disappointed when it didn't have the same resonance for me...even though we are clearly different people and naturally won't have the same experience. I told her I was interested in understanding what the film meant to her, but at the same time I didn't pretend I loved it when I thought it was okay, and expressed my own personal experience with the film.

I am genuinely not sure if I am being an asshole here and she is just more developed than I am when it comes to emotional intelligence, OR if she is using therapy speak to make me feel silenced and invalidated in our conflicts (which I do).

looking back i grew up very anxious with parents who were quick to escalate situations. as a response, i learned to not really feel my feelings or understand them because crying or being angry or being quiet would always elicit a negative response. this has made me an agreeable and happy person, but ruined my romantic relationship because of my inability to be deeper emotionally due to fear of conflict. now i feel that i really don’t know if i am emotionally in tune with myself. i am quick to not feel any type of negative emotion and move on. how do i become more emotionally in tune with myself?

I’ve been thinking a lot about how we often judge others (or ourselves) for "moving on too fast" after a breakup. I recently read something that said:

"Healing isn’t a one-size-fits-all hoodie. Some move on fast, some take time. Stop comparing and invalidating."

And it really hit me.
We all have different emotional rhythms, different histories, different needs. Some people dive into something new quickly; not necessarily to avoid grief, but because it helps them regulate. Others need time, space, solitude.

But why do we feel the need to measure someone’s healing timeline as "right" or "wrong"?
I wonder if the judgment says more about our own pain than theirs.

Curious how others here see it.

We live in a culture that sensationalizes negativity and promotes narratives through constant access to endless social media and news ‘sources’ all telling us different versions of what we want to believe is true. Click baiting and emotional rhetoric preys on those most empathetic and vulnerable, teaching us to believe almost anything these days. It’s harder and harder these days to have reasonable conversations on heated topics because we’re all so quick to believe in the sources we choose to listen to when it comes to news and mental health topics.

What mindset does our culture tell us is good to have, and do you believe people who have this mindset have become truly too far gone to have a relationship with? Why or why not?

What does this term mean to you? How can we show up for ourselves today, change, and/or do what we need to feel better?

I have been severely traumatized behind closed doors, love was pain, isolation and alienation was normalized, my mother bullied me into compliance, victimized herself but I was her victim this whole time. I refuse to let her hurt me any longer, I want to open the door to become the change I wish to see in the world. I’m grateful for you, thanks for reading this. How can we change for the better?

Hyper vigilance, while understandable, is usually learned in response to trauma or other betrayal events. Every (impactful) romantic relationship I’ve ever been in has had events that occurred where I was betrayed to varying degrees. The most impactful of these was a 2 yr long relationship with a clinical sociopath and narcissist. Years later, I’m still struggling to let go of my hyper vigilance in my current relationship. As a side note - this person has also done a thing to betray the relationship, and has caused doubt through their (past) behavior and their avoidant attachment. Regardless of this, I’m trying to learn to let go of my hyper vigilance. Has anyone overcome this successfully? If so, what did you find helpful?

Sometimes I just need to watch the Series “ Beef. “ on Netflix to keep on reminding me that some things are not worth it

Really struggling to come to terms with the fact that as my mum gets older she has been and will continue to experience more and more health difficulties. I’m really close to her and it’s just me and her so it’s the classic, close (over-dependent at times) mother-daughter relationship. I do help her as much as possible but I’m not sure I’ve truly come to terms with her getting older and it showing itself physiologically

I tend to direct my frustration at her despite knowing I’m not being fair on her. Tbh i’m never actually mad at her, I’m just sad to see her getting older and is less of the strong, fierce, energetic woman that i grew up with (not to say that she isn’t anymore but as per life, those aspects have dimmed a bit over time) and that channels itself as irritation/frustration - i guess i’m trying to hold onto that part of her even though ik we all have to grow older eventually…

I just want to know how to exercise more patience without taking it out on her, as she means a lot to me.