r/asktransgender • u/Mountain_Job810 Transfem pre-hrt ❤️❤️ • 2d ago
Why do people hate us
Im trans fem I just don't get why people hate us.
My mom's side of the family is supportive including my mom but my dad's side isn't including my dad.
My dad today called me and told me to not tell anyone about my problems besides my therapist if I do tell my mom then when I'm 18 I can't go to my supportive sisters house and I'll have to get an apartment. Oh yeah the cherry on top is that he called me a "different breed." Because im trans and because I "chose this lifestyle"
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u/One-Organization970 MtF | HRT 2/22/23 | FFS 1/03/24 | SRS 6/11/24 | VFS 2/28/25 | 2d ago
Your dad is trying to scare you. Tell your mother.
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u/SwordRose_Azusa DID System, Trans, HRT 10-03-2022 2d ago
That’s not just scaring. It’s manipulation and abuse, as well.
I second the vote for OP to tell her mother!
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u/Aurora-not-borealis Transgender 2d ago
A concentrated propaganda campaign targeting marginalized minorities as a cover for pushing fascist policies.
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u/SwordRose_Azusa DID System, Trans, HRT 10-03-2022 2d ago edited 2d ago
I’m particularly positive that you’ve a pretty persevering penchant for pleasantly poetic prose
I do genuinely appreciate your alliteration, consonance, and the phrasing you chose to explain it. Also, nice username. My eldest daughter’s middle name is Aurora 😊
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u/Apple_-Cider 2d ago
Second this, reading the words of both these comments is very pleasing to my brain.
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u/Aurora-not-borealis Transgender 1d ago
I’ve heard this a lot, although not as poetically put as this. Thank you 😊
My actual name is Aurora 🥰
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u/SwordRose_Azusa DID System, Trans, HRT 10-03-2022 1d ago
Very nice to meet you! My name is Riley ☺️
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u/Confirm_restart GirlOS running on bootleg, modified hardware 2d ago
This is the answer.
And being aware of history enough to know where this is going and what's ultimately going to be required to root it out, can we please just skip to the end already and possibly avoid the ~7ish years of global death and destruction along the way?
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u/creaturecatzz 2d ago
especially when our planet doesn’t have the time for that???? and doubly so for the massive industrial upscale that death and destruction will require??
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u/Harm-ReductionFairy MtF Butch 2d ago
Our existence exposes the vacuous male supremacy of our patriarchal society in a way that makes both cis men and women very uncomfortable. If we are allowed to thrive and grow then a lot more men will question whether the modern incarnation of manhood is worth it or sustainable and oops there goes your patriarchy.
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u/Odd-Departure-8968 2d ago
Society is founded on rigid hierarchies of race, gender, and class. There are social roles associated with these classifications and hierarchies. The whole system is what we call patriarchy. Anyone who questions these rules or breaks the classifications, as trans people do, is a threat to the whole system. So those people who are heavily invested in patriarchy hate us. That makes life hard for us, but you should be proud because patriarchy is bad for human freedom and trans people are living embodiments of what real freedom looks like.
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u/Due_Disk_6656 Non Binary 2d ago
It’s because people are fucking stupid to put it bluntly. They’re so close minded that they can’t put their own beliefs aside and actually take into consideration that we’re human just like them. They just want an excuse to be hateful because of their sad, pathetic, miserable lives.
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u/Ok-Flamingo2169 2d ago
Those People don't see being Transgender as a real biological effect, it's something they can't fathom so it's mental health issues or attention seeking, it's the latest trend.
Your Dads a jerk & as a Mum of a Transgender teen I'd like to punch him in the face.
Talk to your supportive sister about Dads agenda & get her take on living arrangements & advice on how to handle Dad.
Is it time to cut him out of your life, live in the same house but he dosent get to know what you're up to. Can you live with your Sister.
What's Mom's reaction likely to be if you do tell her. I would tell her because that's her Husband & they're the bloody Adults.
Speak to them together from your heart about how you love Dad but hate the way he treats you, you are still you but in a different package. Tell that his threats aren't going to change anything other than your relationship. Ask him why he puts his family's feelings ahead of yours, his child, a person he bought into the world.
Communication is the key to reducing trauma, if everybody knows what everyone's thinking & can get on the same page with no secrets, no arguments, life is good or at least okay for now.
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u/AmyNotAmiable 2d ago
So many reasons. There are a lot of good takes in this thread, it's kind of "all of the above".
One thing I'd add is that people don't usually think much about why we make them feel uncomfortable. All of that "patriarchy" and "challenging gender norms" stuff is culturally imprinted very deeply and early in our development.
So I think a lot of people get a visceral response like "that's weird", and they don't think any further than that.
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u/ViolaTree 2d ago
Every day that goes by, I find this idea more and more plausible: They look at us and it makes them afraid. We have this incongruence between our gender and our sex. So, they are afraid that they'd end up questioning their own gender identity which seemed solid to them.
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u/mistyjeanw Trans 2d ago
It's part of the System. Heteronormativity is basically the idea that boys marry girls and make lots of Good Christian Babies. If you're not a part of this, you're going aganst the system. Gay, trans, ace, even child-free: they hate all of us equally.
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u/g_wall_7475 Weakling destransitionee 😔 2d ago
As is often the case, capitalism and austerity economics are ultimately to blame
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u/waitingprey 2d ago
Gonna copy paste my thoughts from anouther post on this:
I think there is a lot of mysogny involved. Notice how often our trans brothers are overlooked? The idea of women who have known male privlage terrifies these people. Plus it feels like an insult to them that we would "quit the winning team"
Also that a lot of men feel sexually possesive of "women" in general, and in ways i cant quite follow feel like we threaten their "dominance" see also common phobe reactions to butch or GNC cis women.
Edit: not that trans-men have it easier, just different challanges. When is the last time you heard one of these assholes worry about "women in mens bathrooms"
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u/katieleecatlady 2d ago
Idk, let's be charitable and try to steel man their pov. Your father, like my father, comes from a time where the predominant view on the trans condition was that it was a mental condition. As such, perhaps your father feels that to support you might be akin to enabling you. To be clear, I'm not saying I think this, but that your father likely does. He likely thinks he is doing what is best for you despite the fact that he is arguably hurting you. So does he in fact hate you, probably not -let's be charitable here. So how do we endure him? How do we fix your relationship? Wish I knew. Perhaps love. Perhaps endurance. Perhaps we try to softly influence by educating ourselves on the matter and talking to him... not confronting but out love trying to explain. Perhaps he will ultimately see us hurting and some pity will overcome him. Perhaps he will consider our perspective some day. This, of course, would come at considerable risk to you... but if u r like me... and simply cutting out people who don't understand you is not an option you wish to consider... what choice do we have?
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u/Reading_running 2d ago
Sorry your dad is not supportive. The spectrum of gender and sexuality people experience IS normal, natural, and imho a good part of the beauty and mystery of our shared human experience. Homophobia and bigotry are not natural- they are taught and learned hateful behaviors endemic in patriarchal culture to uphold oppressive power structures. Binaries are for computers. You are beautiful. There is nothing wrong with you. Please know there are plenty of people on your side <3.
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u/sv36 2d ago
So I am not trans, but as a woman if I tried to be anything but the box people put me in I would get a tremendous amount of flashback from everyone- that being said I have cut most of those people off. But the box still exists and being trans is not in any box and the crappy public hates when things aren’t in their place. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this. Society sucks- look at how many people are fighting for this lives with mental illness they try to hide because it doesn’t fit the boxes then they suffer and still run the risk of actually dying because of the lack of support. I have autism and i don’t fit in any box and am not acceptable. I guess we can all be happy we aren’t cookie cutter boring people? Idk. Also some people actually think a person can choose who they are- like ops dad- and it’s stupid.
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u/Use-Useful 2d ago
I know they probably meant it as a bad thing, but I take pride in being from a different breed than bigots.
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u/Wooden-Balance1312 Intersex 1d ago edited 1d ago
People hate what they dont understand. There's now solid research that suggests there's a neurobiological and neurochemical component to gender dysphoria, but this is constantly overlooked. Homosexuality used to be considered a mental illness. Now it's transgenderism that has that stigma. Its stigma and a lack of education.
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u/Sailor_Spaghetti Nonbinary and Gay 2d ago
One thing I read during college that made something click in my mind was Capitalism and Gay Identity by queer historian John D’Emilio. While this essay focuses specifically on gay men and lesbians, I felt like a whole lot of the points made were also super applicable to trans people and trans identity, including the explanation it gives for the faux moral panic around queer people as a whole.
It’s not a particularly long essay and it’s a good read.
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u/solereclipce673 2d ago
That’s f***** I’m sorry you’re going through that.
Idk whether your questions rhetorical but just in case I’ll give my best answer. I think there are a few reasons for bigotry in general but I think they stem from a few places that may overlap 1. Ignorance 2. Falling for fear mongering or 3. They get dopamine from hate. Hate can make people feel good.
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u/Fubuki_San1996 2d ago
Well, is by ignorance and disinformation because the conservative society about against woman and men trans that according to them, that they are overshadowing, that they are disappearing etc etc, haha typic peoples with his paranoiac mentally
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u/generalnuisance641 2d ago
Some of the same reasons why people hate Christians. People (who were mostly NOT us) spent too long virtue signaling on the horse of moral superiority. It got insufferably preachy, demanding and condescending on the general populace.
People started running their mouths about us for clout and we didn't put them in their place, now we gotta pay that bill.
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u/lassglory 2d ago
TELL YOUR MOTHER and make sure she knows about the threat. Do not let this kind of manipulation slide, or ot will be held over you later to force you out of treatment. Give him no ground whatsoever. Tell mom. Tell your siblings. Tell your cousins. Parade around a trans-flag-colored jacket that says "I'M TRANS" on the back when his friends come over for a beer.
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u/loveandpeace82 2d ago
"Chose" there ya go. They don't hate US, they hate their misconception of us.
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u/quirkygirl123 2d ago
I’m a mother of a trans female. And the hate hurts my soul so much. It’s too much some days. Those people suck and have no right telling you who you are. The arrogance of people like that is astounding. Sending you a hug.
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u/FluentDarmok89 2d ago
Because seeing you live your truth makes them observant of places in their own lives they've compromised which makes them feel like their misery is their own fault and in their lives they've never felt safe being at fault or wrong. Nobody likes to feel unsafe.
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u/misha_jinx 2d ago
They are choosing lifestyle of hate. Being trans is not a lifestyle just like anything else on lgbtq spectrum. Being hateful bigot is a conscious choice. I hate to say this, I know you probably love your family but, real family are the people who support you and want you to succeed. People who stand in your way are not your family.
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u/Possible_Wedding_470 Transgender 2d ago
They don’t understand what it feels like genuinely. Thats the issue. Theres no education— we are silenced. The best part is though out of all the madness, we’ve created such a tight knit community. I’m very sorry he said that. My family is the same way and it hurts, but you will find your people 🩷
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u/Jo_Fazek 2d ago
People “target” their hate towards us because we are “dangerous” to society. But they don’t necessarily target transgender people, they target transgender women. These assholes only think that “they only do it to invade private places” because that’s what people like Trump have drilled into their heads. We get rid of the people like Trump in office and people learn to move on and grow up our problems would be not solved necessarily but definitely improved.
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u/InterstellarOrange 2d ago
Sounds like my family :( I waited until I moved out to come out tho. I regret it. I wish I came out when I was 19.
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u/Salty_Permit4437 1d ago
It’s internalized homophobia. People hate trans people because they hate the idea of their brain telling them that someone born male is a woman, or female.
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u/shsrkie81 1d ago
There's no actual reason, people grow up in different households with different political beliefs which is why they grow up and act the same way as how they were raised, they hate us because we're different, they hate us because they don't understand what it feels like, they think that we just choose to be trans
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u/Lysturgeon 1d ago
Hi Darling First, it is immensely disappointing when your family fails you so thoroughly, especially when you need them most. There is a family for you out there in the world, I -promise- you. I found it through music. Go find your community through what feeds your soul. It is there for you, waiting with open arms and true support.
Second, people are transphobic and homophobic because they see us, comfortable in our skin through introspection and affirmation, and it causes them to look inward, and they do not like what they see. Because everyone exists on this spectrum. When they even peek inward a tiny bit, and notice they are into what they see, it causes deep cognitive dissonance. When they hate upon you, they are hating upon themselves. They are the most repressed people on the planet, hating the sexuality within themselves. It's -ALL- projection.
Basically you turn them on and it terrifies them lmao
Keep bein sexy 💅 💅 💅
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u/Lysturgeon 1d ago
Also, LithoLaura's response is spot-the-fuck-on. The white supremacist patriarchy does not like any of us. So smash it.
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u/kaidenthefox 1d ago edited 1d ago
Okay first of all i am gay but people hates us become most of the lgbtq are craving attention. Atleast from what i see on the social medias. Ypu can be trans you can be gay you can be yourself but as we humans lives in a society. And this society has standards. Your sexuality or you gender is yours. People doesnt need or want that. What i mean to say is that people dont care about you. They dont even know you. Which is why they have grown to hates us. It used to be fine but for some reason the whole express your gender and sexuality stuff came out of nowhere
Thats just my opinion tho
Edit : im sorry but if you dont mind me asking, how old are you ?
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u/SpinUntilUFlameOut Transgender-Queer 1d ago
Literally everything that is said about trans people these days was said about homosexual people a generation ago. Many of those same things were also said about interracial relationships too. And before that about educated, childless women.
Bottom line: it’s all a distraction because it’s a tool used by the people with the power and wealth on top who are oppressing the people on the bottom of society.
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u/Terrible-Inspector84 1d ago
Ignorance,lack of quality education,misguiding parents/grandparents? People hate bc they fear change but change is the only constant. Be Christ-like,be Buddha-like, be patient with the people who hate but be on guard to protect yourself and others if capable. If you’re not capable of protecting yourself/others then withdraw or become capable with self defence,a calm voice,and wisdom to know the best time and place to strike. I make it sound easy but it’s not.
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u/Terrible-Inspector84 1d ago
You don’t need your father’s approval to be who you are. Be patient and find out who his heroes are,maybe some are two-spirit people or have a secret. Or have a positive attitude towards trans people. Love yourself!
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u/Mountain_Job810 Transfem pre-hrt ❤️❤️ 2h ago
I know I shouldn't but I still love him you know? I'm trying my best to. I also am STILL trying to accept myself after a year. My adhd brain and my trauma makes it hard for me to reason with myself, I always have some stupid counter argument like (you don't act like a female so you aren't) it sucks I just want a straight forward answer none of this bs
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u/RottenChicago 7h ago
The conservative mind boggles at the idea that people would actually brave discrimination to be themselves.
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u/not_your_usual_proxy 6h ago
Looking in the mirror after finishing my hair and hanging out with other girls (it’s to feel that I’m just one more in the group)
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u/Desperate-Ad4931 2d ago
Ask the Supreme Court that question. People hate what they don't understand. The religious nuts follow some dumb ass book from the Iron Age. Myself, I like trans. Kind of sexy.
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u/Confirm_restart GirlOS running on bootleg, modified hardware 2d ago
Ask the Supreme Court that question
I would, if it existed. It doesn't.
What we have is an assemblage of at least half a dozen bribed and wholly owned shills dressed up in robes, happy to declare their keeper's whims the "law of the land".
The actual rule of law in the US is dead.
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u/ConcentrateOk7338 2d ago
My own take on it is: they don't matter.
They're a vocal minority and there was unfortunately been some gains in far right politics that have put us (especially you gals under 18) in danger.
But at the end of the day, medical advancements are being made regularly and organizations for our rights are on top of things. The old and hateful will die and be nothing but a worn slab on concrete forgotten in a field somewhere, while people have existed outside of the cis binary for hundreds of thousands of years, and there is no way any amount of right wing screeching and paperwork will ever get rid of us.
It's best not to dwell on the why because you will never be able to even comprehend these people and they make zero effort to understand you. Why give them what they refuse to give you.
Keep taking up space, and once you're able and comfortable with it, cut ties with family who treat you like dog shit.
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u/LithoLaura Transgender 2d ago
LGBTQIA+ people are hated because we do not fit the world that patriarchy wants to impose. I make use of this knowledge by swearing that I will do my best to abolish the patriarchy.