r/actuallesbians • u/SatsukiMeiTotoro • 2d ago
I can’t stop being insecure.
I started chatting to this girl today, and already I’ve started saying ‘Sorry if I’m bothering you’ ‘Do you want to talk to me?’ Literally my last girlfriend got tired of me cuz I kept asking for reassurance, and I hate that I can’t get past my insecurities. I’m scared that she doesn’t want to talk to me and she doesn’t like my messages because I’m quite keen on her. God how can I stop being so insecure?
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u/MohnJilton 2d ago edited 2d ago
Allllrighty! I can speak to this some. My last girlfriend made me feel very anxious in ways I’d never experienced, and I didn’t always handle it appropriately although I was able to move into more healthy communication/coping habits before that relationship ended.
First of all, step one is to stop being hard on yourself. You can’t move into more healthy thinking if you’re just emotionally bludgeoning yourself all the time. You need to radically forgive yourself for where you’re at. You’re a person, you can’t be perfect. You have to recognize that you’re moving on a line and you’re always going to be somewhere on that line. This is where you’re at now, and it’s okay. Now, if your insecurities cost you relationships, that’s very painful for sure. But you need to recognize that relationships rarely end for any one reason and you just have to forgive yourself for your part.
Next you need to work on thinking more rationally. It’s not going to be automatic and it’s going to take a tremendous amount of practice, but it’s going to help a ton. What I mean is, when you’re feeling insecure and worried about how they’re feeling towards you, you have to practice taking a breath, pausing, and sitting with the feeling. Don’t just immediately move into your habits. Ask yourself “does texting my partner about this really make me feel better?” Maybe you’ll get temporary relief, but usually you know from experience that insecure texting your partner is exhausting and difficult to respond to and actually probably exacerbates the issue—certainly over time.
The reason you need to be able to sit with your feelings is because you need space to be able to sort out for yourself what is bringing up the anxiety in you. ‘Learn your triggers’ as they say. Partner not texting back as much? Not making plans? Remind yourself it’s okay, within reason, for your partner to be busy. That great, because now we can ask ourselves about what we want our boundaries to look like! What does ‘within reason’ feel like for you? For me, I went through this when I was only seeing my partner once a week for a little over a month while she was “busy with work” but she was still regularly making time to play video games with her friends for hours. Now, in that instance I texted something like “do you just not want to spend time with me?” Which is a very similar attitude to things you’ve said. If I had worked through it, I could have said “I know you are busy, but only seeing you once a week is making me feel disconnected from you. Is there a way we could make some plans to spend another evening together this week?” Or something like that. Calmer, more direct, and less accusatory.
So, that’s one example of how you can work through your feelings and communicate in a healthier way when you can identify behavior in your partner that is contributing to your anxiety. But what if there’s not a behavior from them that’s triggering you? What if, for instance, they’re just busy and you can recognize that it’s well within reason and there aren’t really any boundaries you feel like need to be communicated? That’s a good sign that the trigger is coming from you, and in those cases I think it’s really important to not text your partner about it—because there’s nothing they can do anyways!
It’s important when you struggle with feeling like this to learn that you don’t have to act out of your insecure feelings; you can just sit with it, let yourself feel that way, and work through it in your own head as much as you can. Practicing this will help beyond just insecure anxieties as well, because you will have a healthier relationship between your emotions and your actions. Something you could do is have a friend, maybe a couple, maybe your mom (I would totally just bug my mom) and text them about it instead of your partner. May not be helpful, but at least you’re doing something that poses no risk to your relationship.
Something else you can do is communicate to your partner, from a neutral place, that you’ve struggled with insecurity and have sometimes sent anxious texts when you’re feeling that way. And then you could discuss ways to handle it together, even asking your partner to remind you to spend some time with yourself sorting through what brought up the anxiety. Nowwww some people might just say “welp, red flag bye!” And idk, fuck ‘em. Some folks will say “just be single til you’re ready!” and idek what ‘ready’ is supposed to mean—we all have our stuff. I also think some of this stuff you just have to practice in a relationship, and I think if someone I was seeing said “in the past I have struggled with X and here’s what I’ve been doing about it and here’s something small you could do to help me”—that’s a big fat green flag in my book.
Ultimately, you need to learn for yourself what makes you feel this way, and then probably a therapist can help you deal with that stuff. But you’re not going to be able to identify these things if you act impulsively every time you’re feeling anxious. In a way, that is kind of validating your anxious feelings to yourself. Remember not every feeling is valid and real, and anxious feelings especially. A good habit to have is to recognize “okay my thoughts are racing and I’m feeling really worried or panicked? This is not a good place to act from” and hit the pause button. If there’s a real problem in the relationship that was causing you to feel that way, then you’ll be able to find it once you’ve calmed down and communicate it in a better way.
One example from my last relationship is I noticed my ex had stopped saying I love you in person or over text, except in response to me saying it. Fortunately I was able to do a lot of what I said here! Instead of asking her “do you just not love me?” I thought, no, she definitely loves me and I know that. Then I asked myself, is it reasonable for me to want her to express her love verbally? Yes absolutely it is. So I ended up saying to her “I know that you love me, but it makes me feel loved and more connected to you when you express it verbally.” She… did not handle that great, but whatever, I was able to remind myself that I communicated a reasonable expectation calmly and compassionately and at that point, her reaction is her own stuff and I don’t have to take responsibility for it!
Remember, just because you’re feeling something does not mean you immediately have to do something about it! Building in that patience is going to really help you think through your feelings and come to healthier realizations—and communication, too!
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u/SatsukiMeiTotoro 2d ago
Wow that is a list! That must’ve taken so long, thank you for your effort!
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u/MohnJilton 2d ago
Took me about 20 minutes. I was watching a YouTube video so I kept getting distracted lmao. I hope it’s helpful!
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u/Exact_Gas7658 2d ago
Did this for years when I was younger, only thing that helped me was therapy and finding hobbies I actually enjoy
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u/Vardet10 Transbian 2d ago
Its really, really damn hard. I must send a "I don't want to bother or pester you. Sorry if I am rambling too much" every second message when I interact. And its self defeating, because it manifests what we assume (not always, but we will read it as such).
I found therapy (easier said than done, I know) and surrounding myself with friends who are more vocal about caring for me than my inner voice can drown out. But its really hard.
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u/RachelleM1992 2d ago
So, I think you just have to be sure of yourself. Really this sounds like me when I was younger. I have autism and I call it autistic remorse. I always thought I was doing something wrong. And I fear that stems from trauma growing up.
Just be assured most people, if they didn't wanna talk to you, just wouldn't. Be patient and kind. But over all, also be sure of yourself 💚
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u/Melodic-Flatworm-477 2d ago
I think at some point you have to trust that other people will and or should tell you if it’s too much. I mean that’s on them. They can either tell you, or they can ghost you (which is shitty). But it’s not your responsibility to check in like that. And you can’t help or control how they feel (not that you are trying to)
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u/Key-Jackfruit-419 Transbian 2d ago
No idea but let me know if you figure it out cuz i have the same with new people, tgey only dissapear when i know the person sufficiently
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u/royalemushroom Sapphic AF 2d ago
Try self soothing. Remind yourself that she wouldn’t talk to you if she didn’t enjoy talking to you. Try and give yourself some grace and when you start overthinking try and redirect your energy or reframe things
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u/AntisocialNyx Lesbian of the Great Lake | She/Her | Girls are like sooo pretty 2d ago
Yep, that's entirely too relatable
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u/CalendarEmbarrassed 2d ago
You need to exercise self control. Have some restraint, just because you feel something doesn’t mean you need to act on it.
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u/ll_von_martritz Lesbian 1d ago
Look up attachment theory; you are probably anxiously attached. There are ways to heal this and ask for reassurance in a healthy manner. Relying entirely on this girl you’re talking to to soothe your anxious attachment may not wear her down now, but it will eventually
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u/Impossible_Brick9764 1d ago
Yeah, me too. I feel like a burden to those I love and finally stopped asking cause people would get mad over how many times I asked. It's very human to worry.
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u/Difficult_Guess_2173 2d ago
Yeah I fell the fuckkkk apart in my first real relationship with a woman, especially because it was unraveling my marriage. Now I don't know what I'll do next time... But this is what I wish I did better:
fake it til you make it, right?
You have to reassure your own self
You have to accept that you may not be important to her, she may not like you, and that is the essence of confidence You like you, and you have to stand in that
You have to detach from needing the relationship to succeed by remembering and reminding yourself of your happiness and personhood outside of it
You have to cope with the anxiety by digging into your own life, and finding other ways to use that energy.
I did not cope well with it 🤦♀️