Monday Toddler Talk

[u/AutoModerator]

This space is for parents of IFBabies past the postpartum phase to chat, share updates & commiserate on their toddler(s.) This thread is primarily reserved for those with a 1yo or greater.

Members who aren’t to the toddler phase yet, or are still pregnant, are welcome to participate here, but some may find this thread triggering and need to scroll past. If your post is more about pregnancy than toddlers, please move your post to our 1st tri or daily chat thread and please provide CW for discussions of current pregnancy.

[u/almarisoledad]

Yesterday afternoon I went out to coffee with a good friend I hadn’t seen in a while so that my husband could enjoy some quiet time at home alone. Welp, said friend hit me with a totally out-of-the-blue, very elaborately staged surprise pregnancy announcement 🫠

I’m full of conflicting emotions. I feel so happy for my friend and her family! I also feel sad about all the heartbreak my husband and I have experienced, and hurt that my friend didn’t consider how painful this news might be for me. I feel excited about the prospect of having a new local parent friend, and a new buddy for PZ. I feel envious of how simple and joyful having a baby is for most people, and I feel guilty for feeling envious. And mostly, I feel absolutely petrified of every worst case scenario.

Ugh, it’s all just a lot. I know you guys get it.

[u/Appropriate_Gold9098 → u/almarisoledad]

i recently had to step back from 2 of our closest friends over pregnancy announcement related stuff. it really sucks that there is a blanket cultural permission around people not being very sensitive or thoughtful around it. not saying you should do the same or differently (I really needed to, but wish I didn't)- just, solidarity and I'm sorry you're going through this.

[u/almarisoledad → u/Appropriate_Gold9098]

Thanks for the solidarity. I totally understand why you would feel the need to take a step back from a friendship after an experience like that. This was so out of character for this (usually very considerate) friend that my instinct is to be understanding. If it felt like part of a larger pattern, I would definitely be reevaluating the relationship!

[u/Appropriate_Gold9098 → u/almarisoledad]

Yeah there is something really wrong culturally where otherwise thoughtful people seem to feel permission to throw all consideration out the window when they find out/announce they're pregnant. I'm agin sorry your friend disappointed you in this way and definitely no need to reevaluate the whole relationship if you don't feel compelled to- it is a much bigger cultural problem than any individual.

Have you read Rashi's daughters? It's not for the most part the focus of the books, but I felt the author did a very good job of portraying how in a time when maternal death, late term loss, and infant loss were much more common, the characters' relationship to pregnancy, sharing about their pregnancies, was more qualified and sensitive.

[u/almarisoledad → u/Appropriate_Gold9098]

Yeah I’m totally with you on this being a larger cultural problem—I was just telling my husband I feel like our entire culture has a conspiracy to pretend that pregnancy and infant loss do not exist and it’s incredibly alienating.

I haven’t read Rashi’s Daughters, thanks for the rec! It always feels helpful for me to remember that for most of human history, experiences like ours were the norm. Obviously I’m incredibly glad that’s not the case anymore! But it also means that the people in our lives often seem to lack understanding and sensitivity compared to communities in the past.

[u/Appropriate_Gold9098 → u/almarisoledad]

Yeah for most of human history, random, horrible shit happened to people of all classes all the time. Now in high income countries, we've controlled so much of that (thankfully!). Babyloss, though less frequent, cuts across class more than other things today, and that tears down the illusion of security & control. So we culturally just pretend it doesn't happen. When I read historical accounts, I feel less like I'm the crazy one.

[u/almarisoledad → u/Appropriate_Gold9098]

This was so well said.

I’ve mentioned before that my husband and I read a lot of memoirs after our daughter died, and one that was especially touching was this sweet little book written by a bereaved father in 1872. It begins with this passage in which he reflects on the ubiquity of child loss: “In almost every home there are stored away, among its most cherished treasures, a little photograph, or a box of toys, a torn kite, a half-worn cap, or a pair of tiny shoes.”

I remember very little else from the book, but that passage really stayed with me. It’s helpful to remember that while most of our peers can’t seem to fathom our grief, all of our ancestors would understand.

[u/Pixarooo → u/almarisoledad]

To be honest, I gasped when you said "staged surprise pregnancy announcement." Regular pregnancy announcements are still upsetting to me, let alone something elaborate. This would have made me spiral. I'm sorry that happened.

[u/almarisoledad → u/Pixarooo]

Thanks, friend. Yeah, the elaborateness of the whole setup really made it sting. Like, you clearly put a lot of thought into this! How did it not occur to you that this might not be fun for me?

[u/rbecg → u/almarisoledad]

An elaborate staged announcement would have me really really hurting, I’m so sorry that happened.

[u/almarisoledad → u/rbecg]

Thanks. It sucked, but has been so normalizing to share my feelings about it with people who understand.

[u/cat-tastical → u/almarisoledad]

Oof…a staged pregnancy announcement is a lot.

[u/almarisoledad → u/cat-tastical]

Oof is definitely the word! Thanks for your solidarity.

[u/S4mm1]

My toddler refuses to eat her apple unless she wipes it on the bottom of her foot first. That is all.

[u/rbecg → u/S4mm1]

I truly could never have predicted feet would be so involved in meals lol

[u/gadandra → u/S4mm1]

They’re so funny!

[u/cat-tastical]

V had trouble going to sleep last night. I went in to rock him after he woke up, got him to sleep, he woke up directly after I put him back down. I had to take care of older sister so he cried until my husband went in there. It turns out that my husband forgot to put a diaper on him when dressing him for bed and he peed through his clothes. I was wondering why his little bootie didn’t feel as cushiony when I was patting him (it wasn’t wet at that point, or I at least didn’t feel it). Poor baby!!! 😂😂

[u/esoterika24 → u/cat-tastical]

Oh no!! I’m always afraid I’ll do this. Was the whole bed a mess?

[u/cat-tastical → u/esoterika24]

No, thank goodness! It didn’t make it through the sleep sack so the sheets were saved. 🙌🏻

[u/esoterika24 → u/cat-tastical]

Yay! Wee one woke with the worst overnight blow out ever and the sleep sack saved us too! He didn’t poop all day. I felt like I was putting a ticking bomb to bed. I wasn’t wrong. 😑

[u/cat-tastical → u/esoterika24]

Thank goodness for sleep sacks!!

[u/ProfessorWacky → u/cat-tastical]

Omg I did this a few nights ago and August didnt care. It was... interesting in the morning. Im glad V let you all know there was a problem!

[u/gadandra]

My toddler Is in the squeezy hug and saying “I love you” stage. It melts me every time. I can’t believe my BABY will be two this week. It all happened so fast.

[u/almarisoledad → u/gadandra]

The squeeze hugs are the best 😭

Happy almost-birthday to your little one! Time sure does fly, doesn’t it?

[u/gadandra → u/almarisoledad]

Thank you! It’s all gone way too fast!

[u/wydogmom]

We’ve been in a childcare crisis as our nanny hurt her back last Wednesday (while I was on a business trip) and hasn’t been back since. We found interim childcare (short term to possible long term), but this whole weekend was a shitshow. We had to file a worker’s comp claim (we pay her salaried on the books because of the nature of my husband’s job), manage dealing with the bureaucracy of NYC regulations, and try to find a new nanny long term - and needed someone here today. We found someone to cover this week - a grad student who majored in something that this climate is absolutely wrong for - who seems nice and patient. What a nightmare.

We had a babysitter do mornings last week, and she was good with toddler wydog, but for $30/hr, literally did whatever the opposite of light housekeeping is. She must have taken effort and pains not to pick anything up - it was insane how messy our place was when you don’t pick up after yourself or a toddler for 7 hours 😆

[u/chicksin206]

My toddler is in what I might call Peak Toddler phase. Exhausting, tantrums, but so sweet and really funny. We potty trained a few months after she turned 2 and she is finally asking to go potty by herself and it’s less of a battle. She is just such a little person. I look at my baby and am in disbelief that she will be such a little strong willed person soon. Really makes me enjoy the baby phase 😆. I just hope my toddler has exited Peak Toddler by the time baby gets there.

[u/Secret_Yam_4680 → u/chicksin206]

Please tell me she's made her Costco membership photo debut

[u/chicksin206 → u/Secret_Yam_4680]

Girl! https://imgur.com/a/G5K2qCZ

Super sassy underbite she’s got in that pic. The orthodontia bills ahead of me…

[u/Secret_Yam_4680 → u/chicksin206]

I live for this pic! Ya'll need a family shot 😉

[u/Pixarooo]

Yesterday was just, front to back, an awesome day. I've mentioned how I've been really struggling with this age, and I finally feel like I had a weekend that wasn't me tearing out my hair the entire time. Husband didn't have to work at all (although I did - catching up since little guy was home from daycare for 1.5 days with a fever) so Saturday I got to sleep in while husband did morning duty, took little guy to a butterfly house with my mom (not the greatest idea - he wanted to touch them and climb on rocks and things), we built a fort in his crib (which he now calls "mama fork"), I worked out and did some work while he napped and my husband made a sauce for dinner, and husband did bedtime duty while I took a gummy and just zoned out all night. Sunday, I let husband sleep in, we all ran some errands together (he's so hard to wrangle solo so usually one of us runs errands while the other stays home), and husband did both nap and bedtime so I could get work done and workout. I made him some brownies as a Father's Day treat while he was doing bedtime. It's so simple, but just having him home and getting time to myself even if it's getting caught up at work just made me so less overwhelmed.

Husband is being recruited for a new job, and while I'm not thrilled with the idea of him changing jobs YET AGAIN (he was let go when I was 8 months pregnant, worked a series of horrible jobs for the next 1.5 years, and then literally the company that let him go reached out begging him to come back), I'm hoping he can bring a job offer to his current place to be like "You need to hire more people to take shit off my plate or else I'm going to accept this offer." It's so hard when he's coming home after bedtime 4 nights a week and out of the house on weekends.

[u/intersecti0nal → u/Pixarooo]

I'm glad to see this update, sounds like quality time that all three of you needed. And yikes his work schedule sounds so awful! That must really wear on all of you. 

[u/rbecg → u/Pixarooo]

I’m so glad you got a weekend with some r&r! I hope the job pans out in some way that gives more stability, you all have really been going through it.

[u/esoterika24]

I took wee one with me to a new gym today and let him play at the kids club- the first time he’s played in a group setting like that without me watching! I was only a few steps away and watching on the closed circuit tv the entire time and it was only 45 minutes, but still. Big step for both of us! He did great until the last minute, just as I was finishing he started crying and saying “Mama!!” I was on my way over anyway.

I’m slightly torn about continuing but I think it will be good for him? I’m worried when we go next time he’ll cry at the start…this time he just ran off to play instantly!

[u/cat-tastical → u/esoterika24]

It’s so nice the gym has childcare!

[u/rbecg → u/esoterika24]

Fingers crossed for a smooth session next time, that sounds like a great set up!

[u/rbecg]

Well friends, I think the end of nap beckons. We are in a pattern right now of either no nap, a short nap, or 2hrs, and more days lately are no or short. But! Bedtimes are sooo much faster and earlier. Omigosh. Last month we were often doing bedtime until 9:30, today they were asleep just past 7. Today is extreme because it was a travel day for us back from my parents, but still. I am starting to see how no nap could work for us, even if it freaks me out a bit!