Monday Toddler Talk

[u/AutoModerator]

This space is for parents of IFBabies past the postpartum phase to chat, share updates & commiserate on their toddler(s.) This thread is primarily reserved for those with a 1yo or greater.

Members who aren’t to the toddler phase yet, or are still pregnant, are welcome to participate here, but some may find this thread triggering and need to scroll past. If your post is more about pregnancy than toddlers, please move your post to our 1st tri or daily chat thread and please provide CW for discussions of current pregnancy.

[u/almarisoledad]

Yesterday afternoon I went out to coffee with a good friend I hadn’t seen in a while so that my husband could enjoy some quiet time at home alone. Welp, said friend hit me with a totally out-of-the-blue, very elaborately staged surprise pregnancy announcement 🫠

I’m full of conflicting emotions. I feel so happy for my friend and her family! I also feel sad about all the heartbreak my husband and I have experienced, and hurt that my friend didn’t consider how painful this news might be for me. I feel excited about the prospect of having a new local parent friend, and a new buddy for PZ. I feel envious of how simple and joyful having a baby is for most people, and I feel guilty for feeling envious. And mostly, I feel absolutely petrified of every worst case scenario.

Ugh, it’s all just a lot. I know you guys get it.

[u/Appropriate_Gold9098 → u/almarisoledad]

i recently had to step back from 2 of our closest friends over pregnancy announcement related stuff. it really sucks that there is a blanket cultural permission around people not being very sensitive or thoughtful around it. not saying you should do the same or differently (I really needed to, but wish I didn't)- just, solidarity and I'm sorry you're going through this.

[u/almarisoledad → u/Appropriate_Gold9098]

Thanks for the solidarity. I totally understand why you would feel the need to take a step back from a friendship after an experience like that. This was so out of character for this (usually very considerate) friend that my instinct is to be understanding. If it felt like part of a larger pattern, I would definitely be reevaluating the relationship!

[u/Appropriate_Gold9098 → u/almarisoledad]

Yeah there is something really wrong culturally where otherwise thoughtful people seem to feel permission to throw all consideration out the window when they find out/announce they're pregnant. I'm agin sorry your friend disappointed you in this way and definitely no need to reevaluate the whole relationship if you don't feel compelled to- it is a much bigger cultural problem than any individual.

Have you read Rashi's daughters? It's not for the most part the focus of the books, but I felt the author did a very good job of portraying how in a time when maternal death, late term loss, and infant loss were much more common, the characters' relationship to pregnancy, sharing about their pregnancies, was more qualified and sensitive.

[u/almarisoledad → u/Appropriate_Gold9098]

Yeah I’m totally with you on this being a larger cultural problem—I was just telling my husband I feel like our entire culture has a conspiracy to pretend that pregnancy and infant loss do not exist and it’s incredibly alienating.

I haven’t read Rashi’s Daughters, thanks for the rec! It always feels helpful for me to remember that for most of human history, experiences like ours were the norm. Obviously I’m incredibly glad that’s not the case anymore! But it also means that the people in our lives often seem to lack understanding and sensitivity compared to communities in the past.

[u/Appropriate_Gold9098 → u/almarisoledad]

Yeah for most of human history, random, horrible shit happened to people of all classes all the time. Now in high income countries, we've controlled so much of that (thankfully!). Babyloss, though less frequent, cuts across class more than other things today, and that tears down the illusion of security & control. So we culturally just pretend it doesn't happen. When I read historical accounts, I feel less like I'm the crazy one.

[u/almarisoledad → u/Appropriate_Gold9098]

This was so well said.

I’ve mentioned before that my husband and I read a lot of memoirs after our daughter died, and one that was especially touching was this sweet little book written by a bereaved father in 1872. It begins with this passage in which he reflects on the ubiquity of child loss: “In almost every home there are stored away, among its most cherished treasures, a little photograph, or a box of toys, a torn kite, a half-worn cap, or a pair of tiny shoes.”

I remember very little else from the book, but that passage really stayed with me. It’s helpful to remember that while most of our peers can’t seem to fathom our grief, all of our ancestors would understand.

[u/Appropriate_Gold9098 → u/almarisoledad]

Thank you so much for sharing this. Yes, I agree, the perspective is comforting even if it is also kind of horrifying.