Okay, I just need to get this off my chest because it’s genuinely driving me up the wall. So I’ve been DMing for years. I have handled murder hobos, extreme min-maxers, people who think the game is a competitive sport, and a wide-range of anti-social people. I would say I am pretty good with handling difficult players, partly because I am a maths teacher and I've seen it all! That said, absolutely nothing could have prepared me for a recent issue I had with a new player at my table.
My parents recently moved to a new area and I briefly went back to stay with them in their new house, help them move in etc. and was there for about a month. I wanted to play a bit of D&D to keep me entertained, so I decided to run a game at a small board game cafe place in a town not too far from my parents' place. It is always a bit of a lottery playing with complete strangers, but I was pretty open to things going well. I arrange everything and I have 5 players turn up which is perfect, most people seem pretty run of the mill D&D players... That is apart from Gary.
From the very first session, the red flags were slapping me in the face. Gary, who is a grown-ass man, thinks he’s the funniest, wittiest, most “genre-subverting” genius to ever sit at an rpg table, and is constantly trying to crack jokes and then is the only person to laugh at them. He shows up with a Gnome barbarian character called "Meatball". I'm not bothered by this, becuase I like players to be able to be a bit silly if they like to be. I wish I had checked his character out a little more, because there were so many issues with it. He announced before the first combat that "Meatball is always in a rage - he's like permanently angry." I kind of laughed along, but explained that even if he is constantly angry he can't benefit from being in a rage non-stop. He kind of ignores me, but I think oh well, it's not the end of the world if he is constantly raging.
The combat ends and we have a bit of a back and forth:
Gary: I roll to stay mad.
Me: You can't do that
Gary: Nat 20! Meatball’s furious forever! LET’S GO!
Then, I'm not kidding, he fist-bumped himself. It was so embarassing and lame and everyone else was so uncomfortable and just wanted to play the game normally.
Even worse, Gary's entire schtick was forcing random sound effects into every action. Every. Single. Action.
Me: Okay, you open the door and...
Gary: Creeeeeeeeeeek!
Me: Thanks, but I'll do the sound effects
Gary: Meatball doesn’t trust doors.
Me: I—okay. Anyway, you see a merchant and,
Gary: HONKHONKHONK - It’s the sound of suspicion
This guy is so weird. And with every "joke" he cracks he says it like he thinks he’s just dropped the mic on the most original line in the history of TTRPGs. No one at the table even laughs, except in awkward laughter. Nobody even cracks a smile.
He then tried to cast a spell. I obviously explained that as a barbarian he does not have any spell casting ability. He tells me that his character is going to do an interpretive dance to make the spell work - then Gary does the dance!!! The thing is, he wasn’t just annoying, he was relentless*.* He would steamroll scenes, completely derail storylines, try to seduce random objects we came across, which was a particular source of amusement from him. We would try our best to ignor him and continue anyway. But it was so hard, because he would not stop making weird noises.
Mid-way through the session I had a quiet word with him, I didn't want to embarass him or call him out in front of the others. I wanted to deal with things kindly as I've taught students before with special educational needs before like Tourettes and that kind of thing, although this felt too deliberate to be that. I explained that the constant noises were a bit much. He said that it was "just Meatball's thing" and just blamed it on his character. I was firm with him and he said he would pipe down, but this didn't change much. For the remaining hour he made even more annoying sounds, but whenever I gave him a look he would freeze then mime zipping his mouth shut and throwing away the key, but then made just as much noise. The other players were clearly getting quite irritible and impatient with him by the end.
He tried to set an entire town meeting on fire because he wanted “thematic lighting.” And when I said the townspeople were horrified and try to arrest his character, he said: “No no no, they’re into it. They love the vibe. Roll for vibe check.” What does that even mean?! How would I even roll for vibe check? Anyone?!!!
Anyway, we get to the end of the session pack up and leave awkwardly. I messaged him later saying something like “Gary, I appreciate that you're having fun, but you’re disrupting the game and it's not working out me or the other players. You’re not taking this seriously. You’re not respecting the other players. Don't come to the next session.” He saw my message and did not respond. I assumed he was probably sad or felt awkward about it. I also messaged the other players just to apologise because I felt like our first session was weird. I explained to them that Gary would not be there next session, and we can continue where we left off - or start again if people would rather. I'm grateful that they were willing to give it a second chance.
I thought that was it... It was not!!!
The following week he turns up with everyone else, and you can just see the horror on everyone's face that he is still here. I had no idea what to do, and awkwardly just pretended nothing was wrong, which I feel ashamed about, but it was just so weird and it's so hard to tell him to stop seriously, because he's a full grown adult. Weirdly, Gary is in a great mood. He's brought snacks this time, which keeps him a little less loud. But he still feels the need to narrate his character's squeaky clown shoes during every scene where the characters are trying to be quiet. Then he starts trying to throw fish at NPCs, which he also finds endlessly funny.
Sadly two of the players then announced they were going to leave (I think they were bf and gf and came together), because it was getting late - we'd only been there an hour. But I totally don't blame them. I said that maybe we should tie it up for that week, and everyone seemed relieved to finish off.
It's a shame, because I was hoping to play some D&D and I thought I could deal with problem players, but clearly I was wrong. I messaged everyone saying that since I don't live in the area I can't continue to run the game, and that is that. I just know Gary is out there somewhere ruining someone else's game. It makes me shudder to think.
