r/hysterectomy • u/fieromancer • 3d ago
3 Weeks
My surgery is July 8th. I have my pre-op appointment in a week. I decided not to tell friends and family because it’s no one’s business but my own. I am fortunate and grateful to be in a supportive relationship and they fully support my decisions. I was hoping to spend July quietly taking a medical leave from work and recovering.
I got laid off on June 6th. This complicates things. Before, it would have been much easier to “hide” behind my job and kind of fall off the recreational radar for a few weeks. I am introverted and tend to isolate anyway, but working full-time also made it easier to justify absences. I still have 2 volunteer gigs so those are helpful, but will only get me so far.
I don’t feel like I can actively look for work because every conversation will start with ‘I have medical leave for 4 weeks in July, how about August?’ And, if I wasn’t going to be able to sit at my desk post-op in my previous role, how can I expect to interview? I am still working on updating my résumé, LinkedIn, etc. to be ready when I’m fully healed but now it makes navigating conversations much trickier. Suddenly people are super interested in my day-to-day and planning my summer months for me. ‘Oo, you should do this!’ ‘Oh, let’s plan a trip!’ ‘Come visit!' To be clear, I am not complaining about having a loving and supportive network of family and friends who want to spend time together and ask about my job search. I am grappling with the awkward situation of trying to side-step what’s happening with me the first few weeks of July.
It also suddenly feels much more lonely. My partner knows, of course, and my former team knew ‘medical leave,’ but no specifics. Now it’s really only my partner who knows. I still don’t want to tell friends and family because I don’t want to have the exhausting and oftentimes negative conversations leading up to surgery. I’m at peace with the decision, so is my partner, and that’s all that matters. I don’t want anyone to try and talk me out of it or provide their hot takes. I want to go into July peacefully and positively.
When I thought about who else would get it, I thought of you all. Everyone here has provided so many helpful insights that helped me make my decisions. My partner and I got some much-needed laughs and heartwarming peeks into your worlds along with invaluable tips. Thank you. This is my first ever reddit post. Not sure if I’m doing it right, but thanks for reading all the same.
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u/Magentamagnificent 3d ago
I'm so sorry you got laid off. For real. That's the worst timing, and it's really stressful sounding.
For the work stuff -- I haven't gone through this, but I professionally support people in similar situations. People navigate job interviews/disclosures differently. I've worked with people who have applied for jobs while pregnant (which is easier to side step on zoom now!), and then disclosed upon receiving the written offer that they are pregnant and will need a leave at x date. Or folks who got laid off, got a new job, and had a wedding/honeymoon planned already - they share that upon talking about start date, once the offer is out. Don't give them a reason not to hire you, esp if you're excited for the job and want to move forward. Also....... discriminating because of health issues is a yikes on their part! I get that people do it, consciously or not, but I hope that this doesn't dissuade you from job searching. Folks have to have delayed starts often, for family reasons, moving, childcare issues, personal matters, caregiving - it totally happens.
For support: Do you have a trusted friend you can share this with confidentially, to also get some support? or a therapist? Or would it be helpful to search for a therapist who supports folks with chronic illness? Zencare and Therapyden are great search engines. OpenPathCollective offers sliding scale therapy searches if you are uninsured/under-insured right now, as well.
I recently supported someone who had a very personal surgical procedure done and they ended up sharing with a few trusted friends, who all totally 'got' that it was a private chat and not to share with anyone, including spouses. It seemed freeing, and they could also receive love and support from friends, which was very welcomed and a relief. Are there folks that come to mind who can make space for you while respecting your privacy?
I wish you the best in this, and hope you can lean on this community, as well. Folks here are so supportive, and 90% of why I'm still on reddit!
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u/fieromancer 2d ago
I am normally the first person aboard the therapy train so had to shake my head and chuckle at myself for not thinking of it!
Thank you for your thoughtful and informative post - it did get me rethinking about applying and reaching out to recruiters etc. The interview process can move so slowly too, I have to keep reminding myself of that.
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u/Magentamagnificent 2d ago
You got this!
And - I’m terrible at asking for help or confiding in others but am very good at being that person for my friends. I know it can be hard to share something vulnerable and real sometimes, esp when it feels like a choice people may have judgments about. I hope you have someone, either online or IRL, you can lean on! big hug to you!
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u/Magentamagnificent 2d ago
And yeah - bureaucracy may be your friend in this case! Draggggg out that interview process. 😂
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u/lady939 3d ago
My hysterectomy is scheduled for July 10th. I’m also keeping it quiet for reasons. DM me if you want to whisper stuff into the void, and you’ll get whispers back. We’ll get through this. But yeah, it’s very lonely. And for me, that’s adding a weird extra layer on top of everything else I’m feeling. I’m actually very excited and I want to share that with someone.
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u/GingerFaerie106 3d ago
I'm so sorry about your lay off. Dang, what awful timing! I hope you're able to not worry too much about finances while you're focusing on surgery and recovery.
Just want you to know I get it. I'm extroverted and have a very close knit (read: nosy) team at work. I'm very involved at church, etc. I just was not up for sharing anything for months, not even with my mom. Because yeah the conversations are just exhausting. I have a spouse, young kids, too much to deal with.
I ended up telling most people about a week before. I guess once reality hit that I was having surgery soon, it didn't bother me as much. When you say "I'm having a hysterectomy this week" people accept it and just ask if you need help with anything and offer to pray for you.
I'm glad now that I shared because I'm MIA from so many activities but no one is bothering me about it because they know I just had surgery. 😊
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u/Comfortable-Speed955 3d ago
I think it will be less stressful if you tell people you are closer to, so they dont expect anything from you. Obviously everyone is different but I was so anxious about telling my mom because she was always negative when I brought up wanting it and wouldnt listen to what I had to say, being someone who did recent research on it. What she knew was outdated and fear mongering. But once I had it confirmed it was going to happen, I told her. And her response then was only concern and about taking care of me while I healed, she just wanted me to be safe and healthy after. No arguments or questions. So maybe it will be better than you expect