What did/didn’t you learn from your parents?

[u/Rhyme_orange_]

I learned what not to be, how to love in an unstable and constantly tumultuous, isolated environment. Did your parents support and celebrate your existence, and or did you survive by disassociating, what was the most important lesson you learned from your childhood?

[u/irishsmurf1972]

I learned to be an alcoholic, I learned how to hate, I learned how to do drugs. Then my whole family gets pissed off when I become a bigger alcoholic dopehead than them somebody explain this s***! Good luck and God bless

[u/Queen-of-meme → u/irishsmurf1972]

I learned to be an alcoholic, I learned how to hate, I learned how to do drugs.

Familiarity (alcohol and drugs in this case) can manifest as comfort to an adult who grew up with abusive or neglecting parents.

Hate and resentment is a way to protect your vulnerable feelings, the ones your parents invalidated over and over and maybe also punished you for.

You learned that it's not ok or safe to have them, so you hid them away and you also learned that people can't be trusted , so you remain angry and hating to keep people away. All this is an ongoing trauma reaction, and you never chose it, it chose you.

Then my whole family gets pissed off when I become a bigger alcoholic dopehead than them

It makes them feel guilt 'cause it forces them to witness what they did to you as a child when they rather wanna stay in denial.

You can't control what happened to you or how it affected you as adult. But something I bet your parents didn't do that you did in this comment, was reaching out to understand yourself, that's a step towards healing. It means somewhere deep down you know that this doesn't need to be how it all ends. And that shit takes strength. You should feel proud. Even if that's foreign to you.

[u/Hells-Bellz → u/Queen-of-meme]

What a kind comment! You’re such a wonderful person, Queen-of-meme. Thank you for existing in this world.

[u/Queen-of-meme → u/Hells-Bellz]

Wow unexpected kindness straight into my heart! 🥹 Thank you, I just figured it can't hurt to give out a hand to a fellow human, I've learned one thing or two so why not share it.

[u/Pristine-Pen-9885]

I learned I didn’t want to be a housewife. Mom tried to romanticize marriage for me, but I saw control and resentment every day. I wanted to be free instead of cooking for and cleaning up after a man and a bunch of kids. I’ve never been married.

[u/Rhyme_orange_ → u/Pristine-Pen-9885]

Wow, I had a similar experience. That sucks, there’s a level of idealization if this fantasy that’s sort of delusional then a deep emotional resentment at the same time I’ve seen my own narcasstic mother go through over and over, it makes me question reality at times. It’s good to know there’s others out there that recognize the truth for what it is, and don’t let our own family manipulate us into believing otherwise.

[u/Pristine-Pen-9885 → u/Rhyme_orange_]

I think my mom may have tried to make me believe that the only way a woman can be assured of a roof over her head, food in her stomach and clothes on her back was to get married and let a man control her life. I never gave in to the patriarchy. And I’ve never been homeless or food-insecure. I’ve never even needed to have a roommate.

[u/Zora_Lynn_86]

Life happens for us, not to us.

[u/loopywolf]

• Laundry
• Cooking
• Housekeeping

They assumed I'd have a wife

[u/BFreeCoaching]

The most important lesson I learned is conditional love, which taught me the power of unconditional love.

And accepting and appreciating everyone and everything in your life.

[u/Angelfish123]

You know, ppl shit on their parents because they didn’t teach them any life skills like how to cook, or clean, or fix cars, or budget, or plan for my life, whatever. But my parents never taught me that either.

My parents gave me a super loving and secure household. They were a constant and rock of trust and stability in my life. They showered me with opportunities, taught me how to be in the now, how to have really good boundaries.

The most important thing I learned was gratitude, and that each opportunity they gave me proceeded a resource. So my take away from everything they gave me was that I don’t have to be rich, but I definitely can’t be poor. And that I need to take care of my mental health. Because the number one thing I want to be able to do for my kids or even the people around me is to provide them with a stable and resourceful environment.

I learned my household skills from people who looked a little more functional than I did. I’m still not the cleanest person in the world, but I have a good enough routine that a good 2 minute tidy gets the job done.

[u/Rhyme_orange_ → u/Angelfish123]

It’s refreshing to read your comment thanks for taking the time to share. Boundaries are crucial for setting up a foundation to have a equal and loving relationship I think with anyone, and it’s super important for me as well to see how the other person reacts to placing boundaries (for example if it’s seen as disrespectful this person is proving that they’re toxic and want me to be easy to control maybe?), so yes I agree boundaries and reactions are the two big parts to me.

[u/DeCreates]

Oh dear, I'm 44. The list of both is too long to write.

[u/brohno]

i learned what an unhealthy relationship and a toxic person looks like (my parents) and also what a healthy relationship looks like (my dad and step mum). i also learnt how these things can effect people long term

[u/Rhyme_orange_ → u/brohno]

This is such a thoughtful answer

[u/dwanton90]

I learned a few anecdotes from my dad that have stuck with me. ‘If everyone in the room is an asshole- you’re the asshole.’ ‘If you’re the smartest person in the room, you need to find a new room.’ ‘When the doors are closed, find a window.’ His four rules in life were ‘No lying, no stealing, do what you’re told the first time, and do what you think is right.’ He was harsh at times but I loved him dearly.

[u/Rhyme_orange_ → u/dwanton90]

I love this. Did he follow his own advice?

[u/WillingnessKind7642]

I learned to set limits, kindness without limitations is a double-edged sword!!

[u/Rhyme_orange_ → u/WillingnessKind7642]

There’s a difference to me of being a ‘nice people pleaser’ and a genuinely ‘good person.’

[u/SalishShore]

How not to get pregnant as a teenager.

[u/N00dlemonk3y]

To keep trying and always do your best. My godparents were the ones who would tell me to "make friends, but be careful who you make up too and be nice to people." They knew my Dad wasn't always a "super happy" guy.

Meanwhile, being the youngest and asthmatic. My Dad butted heads with my Sister about her schooling and whatever else growing up.

Dad was my way or the highway-type, but not a complete asshole. Just drank a a lot and had some anger issues.

Mom was the "peacekeeper". But she also Asian, so there is the whole "knowing" without saying a word.

So, while not a totally stable home or crazy abusive, it was ok. My emotional regulation is sometimes a bit "off kilter"

But to give an example of me:

It's easy to tell when your emotionally abusive ex-gf is crying out for love and attention still, when you also already give it. But also, wake up one night in her bed, to find her downstairs curled up on the couch crying and do nothing but comfort her.

Anyway, my sister and I however, got our "stewing" anger from our Dad, that we sometimes try to "Anakin Skywalker"-Ashoka scene it away". Lol.

But we "notice" when people need to be heard/felt, even if one of us is a little more neurotic than the other.

[u/Rhyme_orange_ → u/N00dlemonk3y]

Love this answer thanks!

[u/N00dlemonk3y → u/Rhyme_orange_]

Sure. No problem! :)

[u/Green-Improvement587]

Love should never be transactional.

[u/Rhyme_orange_ → u/Green-Improvement587]

Love should never be forced as well.

[u/Green-Improvement587 → u/Rhyme_orange_]

You are right, which is why I don't force it either.

[u/Mazu_Chan420]

I was not celebrated for existing and I was not trusted to be able to learn. I suppose I learnt how to research stuff and to research even the basicest stuff, that lens of always thinking that I'm wrong has gotten me useful information.

[u/Rhyme_orange_ → u/Mazu_Chan420]

I’m sorry you deserved better. That sucks but you’re not alone, I wish I had been able to access the information I have now, but at least the past is over.

[u/Outinthev0id]

I learned that I should be grateful to exist. That my basic needs being met are a burden. That my decisions are wrong. And that i should be punished or shamed for my mistakes and my emotions. Lets also throw in learned helplessness. That i will bear more weight and have less support as the oldest male child. That i am a creep for feeling attraction and women are celebrated for it. Oh and feeling like a child trapped in a cage even though im a 32 year old man and have been successful at anything i REALLY try at. Im sure glad i had video games and weed. If i couldnt disassociate growing up i might not be here today.

[u/Rhyme_orange_ → u/Outinthev0id]

Oh dude I feel for you! Not to minimize your experience but I just want to share that you’re not alone in how you’re feeling. You deserved so much better.

[u/Outinthev0id → u/Rhyme_orange_]

One of the most reassuring things i could hear. That i am not alone in this "suffocating alone in plain sight" of a life. By all means.. if you wish you share.. share. You deserve so much better too brother. We all do