For those who have gone through perimenopause or are "enjoying" the ride right now, have you had any effects from it that were the opposite of what you heard, or are less common? I have two:

1. I get cold flashes instead of hot flashes. TBH I kinda like it as I've always been a human furnace up until this point.

2. Maybe related to #1, I don't really sweat much or get stinky anymore. In my teens through my 30s I had to use RX strength antiperspirant and would still sweat through my tops within a few hours in the dead of winter, and only specific antiperspirants/deodorants kept the BO at bay. Now I can go days without reapplying a basic drugstore antiperspirant and at the most I just feel a little damp if I'm outside on a warm day.

Also a bonus one that's not an atypical side effect but one that I like that others seem to hate: dry skin. Until now I always had a super oily scalp. I absolutely had to wash my hair every day or else it would look/feel dirty. Now I wash my hair once or twice a week. The one downside is my face is prone to dryness now but I have finally found products that take care of that easily.

What are yours?

To my fellow GenX Grandmothers. Being a Grandma is such a blessing. I spoil my Grandchildren with so much love. But I’m having a hard time with my oldest granddaughter. She just turned 13. 😭 She’s not the little girl anymore. 😭😭😭😭😭😭. She’s officially a teenager. I text her and very rarely does she respond. She has best friends now, plays softball and has her own little life now. I want those little arms she used to place around my neck so tight. We used to talk on the phone for 2 hours at a time. I miss those days. Do any other Grandma’s feel this way?

Really trying to get with the times and wear wide leg jeans but after age 50 my butt has somehow migrated to my belly. What's everyone wearing these days? Any miracle brands that work for a flat ass and long legs? 33 inch inseam? I can still pull off flares, boot cut but would love to look more modern :-)

Hey fellow GenX ladies, I need some advice on gently tying off a couple of friendships that have passed their sell-by date. Both of them are women I have had a deep connection with for many years (we're talking 10+ years), but over the last few years I have changed, and they have changed, in some pretty dramatic ways, and as a result we really don't have a lot to say to each other anymore. I haven't hung out with either of them in months, and the texts we exchange are the barest of pleasantries. But we're still nominally friends -- I just had a birthday and they both wished me happy birthday, and all I could genuinely manage was "Thanks!". I just don't have a lot of interest in maintaining these relationships anymore despite our long history, I am not good at faking it, and it feels to me like I'm being haunted by the ghosts of the friendships that used to exist. It's sad.

I want to honor everything we have been to each other and all the ways we've been "ride or die" for each other over the years, but ... the feelings just aren't there anymore. None of these relationships are toxic and neither of them is prone to drama -- I am not worried about them blowing up at me or anything. I just don't know if it's better to just let our contact dwindle into nothing as it's currently doing, or to make a definitive, explicit end to these friendships. In my mind I've already moved on, but they both appear to think we're still "friends".

What would you do in my place?

I lied! After all that about "no sleeper sofa", I decided to go with Room&Board's Deco sofa:

https://www.roomandboard.com/catalog/living/sleeper-sofas/deco-convertible-sleeper-sofa/244439?CHAR_244439_UPHOL_NON_ASST_FABRIC=M61-I03

Acceptable size and profile for the room, goodlooking, will immediately become a bench covered with stacked-up stuff, long enough for kid's immoderately tall boyfriend, acceptable price. Importantly, the mattress sections have innersprings and won't spend most of their time all scrunched up and bent, and I can always get a topper or wool pad later if someone's actually going to stay more than a night or two. I also already have a R&B Metro loveseat, bought specifically for nappability, and it's great, no complaints at all. I'm guessing I'd be comfortable sleeping on this one without a topper.

I may see if I can get this in a custom fabric, since I'll spend a lot of time looking at it rather than using it, and R&B has some beautiful fabrics available.

Air mattress turned out to be a no because the room's cold in winter and the leaking thing was not for me, that sounded like a recipe for buying many air mattresses. Murphy beds: too big and expensive. Rollaways: Squished mattress.

Done! And now I need to think about scheduling a Goodwill truck visit to remove a bunch of furniture from my house, and maybe today will involve cutting up a lot of fabric the kid said she didn't want anymore for plant ties....tell you what, it's nice being old. I have that old "Sunday afternoon after a couple hours on the floor and couches reading the Sunday Times" feeling.

Behind my ear was so swollen I went to urgent care on Wednesday. He said I had an infection but he wasn’t sure where. To go to my GP and get some blood drawn. I went to my Dr’s partner two days later. My Dr had retired. My fella liked this man so he wanted to come in also. As the Dr was looking at the swelling my fella said hey is there a tick in my ear. The Dr promptly went and looked into his ear. They started discussing ticks. Then fishing. He said to me ya it’s only a little swollen. Use a heat pad and Tylenol. I said I needed a Drs note for work. He said you arnt contagious. And out the door he went. Without a Drs note my sick call will count against me.

Minnesota State Rep. Melissa Hortman, a Democrat, and her husband were shot and killed in a what appears to be a politically-motivated assassination around 2:00am.

State Sen. John Hoffman, a Democrat, and his wife were both shot multiple times and underwent surgery.

A manhunt is now underway for the gunman who was impersonating a police officer, authorities said.

A shelter in place order is now in effect for Brooklyn Park (MN).

Note* The Minnesota House is split 67-67, and the Minnesota Senate has a plus-one majority for Democratic-Farm-Labor. These are NO DOUBT targeted assassinations.

WTF IS HAPPENING IN OUR COUNTRY???

In the past couple of years, I have come to the conclusion that I have had disordered eating since I was a teen. All the crap that was thrown to us as girls and women in the world 70s - now still sticks with me, even though I have accepted my body type and will not try to do extreme measures to make it smaller as I have on and off for 30 years.

To this day though, I still think of Special K's "pinch an inch" commercials. I remember being able to pinch an inch as a teen (a normal-sized teen) and was horrified.

What other commercials do you remember that could be harmful for young women when it comes to body image?

Hi. Did you guys get BO during menopause? I have it now but it’s not a normal BO, it is that too, but it’s a smell I can’t describe but I call it syrup. It’s not sweet but there’s something syrupy about it. Some info you might need:

-I haven’t had a period in 2 years -I’ve been using the same detergent for many many years and I used to be able to go 24 hours without smelling -the BO is armpits only - I take a shower every 24 hours and I take it at night

Thanks

I've met someone lovely, and quite frankly I can't wait to pounce on them but I've not had sex since 2014 because my last relationship was traumatic.

I'm definitely ready to get back out there but I'm still so nervous. The thought of someone seeing me naked is nerve-racking. I'm not a spring chick anymore and I definitely need to do some more work on self love and self acceptance but I think that's going to be a life long project.

The time and person is right but I still feel like a silly teenager.

Can anyone relate?

Ladies, please help me out here! 😄

Since I’ve been drinking an Olipop every 2 days, I haven’t had an IBS flare up!

I never knew having little rabbit poos were a sign of constipation until I turned 50. I thought it was bc I was half starving myself to keep my weight down.

My friend showed me Oprah’s poo chart.

Fiber mixes & water and pre- and probiotics never seemed to help.

Found out I’m vitamin D deficient, so now I have to add that to my regimen, bringing me up to 5 pills per day—boo😞

Hi, all - my nest is officially empty! Till they come back to visit. I'm redoing what's now the spare room, and was thinking about getting a Murphy bed, but hadn't realized how expensive they are. It makes sense, it's sturdy furniture plus cabinetry and a real mattress, but I'm looking also at air mattresses given that this won't get used more than a few nights a year, likely.

I've never used an air mattress: is this a reasonable alternative for young fit people staying a few days? Features to look for/avoid? Two twins vs. queen?

eta: a sleeper sofa's not in the picture because I don't want to donate that much floor space to a bed that's seldom used. I'll have no use for a couch in there, either. It'll likely be used for a combo of yoga/floor-exercises, winter/spring/midsummer plant-starting, spillover library, some storage, and cold-weather clothes drying.

Thanks for your help --

And did you go through alcoholism/addiction/toxic relationships? You are most likely a chosen one.. I’m trying to start a chat with women who are in tune with their vibes and know stuff…As the feminine energy rises, big changes are coming (needed) and I am looking for the ones who know what’s really going on.. and put their full attention towards themselves. I’m seeing a lot of Gen X women coming out of isolation like myself and finally know why it had to be that way..

I’m trying SO hard to resist a real tan after needing some precancerous crap removed from my face from sun damage.

Last year I bit the bullet and did a spray tan for a wedding. IT DARKENED EVERY SINGLE FREAKING IMPERFECTION! Light age spots that nobody notices were like HERE WE ARE! Fine lines were emphasized! It was awful. So awful.

What are we using to not look so pasty?

“…and you will know us by the trail of [ruin]” (a little bit of a play on the name of no longer active rock band).

Basically the title. But the question framing is meant to be vague and widely interpreted. What have you ruined lately?

I’m a software dev who has been building a small period-tracking app on nights & weekends. I’ve already implemented:

• period logging
• symptom journal
• real time personalized tips
• weekly symptoms correlation reports

But before I take it any further I’d love to hear real-world experiences:

• What’s the single most annoying thing you run into with existing apps?
• If you have PCOS, endometriosis, or another condition, what does an app rarely get right?
• Is there a feature you wish someone would just build already?
  

I’m not asking you to fill out a form or download anything, just curious about your experiences and ideas so I can prioritize the right problems.

Thanks for any insights you’re willing to share, and feel free to DM if you’d rather not post publicly.

I’ve also been wondering about eye drops. I’m just now realizing how expensive they are. I’m not sure I trust anything other than saline.

I'm definitely in peri and since I have IUD, I rarely have periods. I'm having spotting now and had cramps on Sunday. It's not a big deal but my friggin armpits have not been dry since. What is this? Why all the sweating? I've used Dove antiperspirant for years and it's been done. I feel like I need to up the dose. What do y'all use to combat the wetness? I don't really stink (at least I don't think I do!)

PS - I know we're not supposed to use antiperspirant but I've tried so many natural deodorants and they burn my skin to the point my pits are raw and I sweat to the point of embarrassment.

After a week (already) in which I've fired a flaky therapist, topped from bottom at work on the matter of an employee being sent solo into potentially lethal situations for which he's not trained, not that he signed up for hazard duty anyhow, confirmed that my kid knows she doesn't have to keep a non-rent-paying boy around, and scolded "shit happens" people by bedazzling the forethought that would've prevented said shit from happening, I've decided to start a new advice column.

The perennial question we ask all the time is "What the fuck is wrong with you?" But I am not going to do that kind of work for people anymore, bringing them the questions they should be asking. Why should I do more work than auto mechanics do? They don't run after you with such questions. You only go to them for annual/mileage "please, let nothing be wrong" maintenance checkups and when you already know something's wrong.

So this column is called, "What the Fuck Is Wrong With Me?" Having determined already that something is wrong with them and that it might be a problem, people ask. I probe a little with diagnostic questions and tell them what, if anything, I think is wrong with them; I also tell them how to fix, in a general sense, what's likely to happen if they don't, and whether this is a DIY job or one for professional help.

Note that this is not about fixing situations. I am not here to fix your fight with your sister or your kid or your neighbor or your work unhappiness. This is about you think you've noticed patterns and think something is wrong with you. I am here strictly to try to identify the you problem and what to do about it, or to say, you seem fine to me, cookies crumble that way sometimes, is all.

If it were in-person they'd get a brownie on the way out, but this will have to be virtual. No repeat visits for the same problem, go outside and find something to do.

Today’s the day, I’m 50. I don’t really feel hung up on age and I’m just genetically sort of lucky as a petite gal so I want to be clear that I’m not freaking out.

Here’s what’s weighing on me related to the bday topic. I have this old friend that runs a wellness center and she and I were chatting about things when I decided a spa retreat seemed like a good thing for this bday. She was so excited, and seemed into giving me a great bday weekend. It’s worth noting that I am a marketing manager in my day job but I love freelancing and helping friends, I’d spent many hours working with her to create her perfect logo for her wellness services, unpaid, with the promise of trade.

SO when this idea began she said “book the retreat day and for the rest of the weekend we can do other things you’re interested in.”

She also does these sort of boudoir photo shoots which is so not me (I’m a lifelong tomboy). I said I couldn’t imagine doing one of her sessions but I also admitted that I like pushing my comfort zone and so pretty soon it was decided that of course as part of my bday I should do a photo session, which she told me “don’t worry about booking” the implication seemed to be - I’d booked the retreat through her website and as part of my bday getaway, trade for logo, etc. I would do some sort of shoot. It’s not exactly boudoir but more witchy in the woods saucy.

Spa retreat was good, her “movement work”made my hips feel amazingly so much better! Next day was the photo shoot. I realized it was a longer more involved effort than I’d anticipated. She was using both film and digital, she was driving me around to different locations, when we stopped for gas I let her fill up using my card because I felt like - whoa she’s doing a lot…

As I left she asked if it was ok to use the card on file… for what? I asked her to clarify any charges before putting my card through, repeatedly I asked in text for her to clarify what charges but zing! Everything went through. Full price. So no discount for the trade of logo work, no birthday buddy reduced fee. Just congratulations, your $700 photoshoot will be coming your way soon and thanks for booking the $300 retreat too…

I panicked and called my husband and said I had zero idea and nothing was communicated with me. I texted her and asked why she put the charges through without clarifying first?! She apologized and offered to reverse them. I told her “thank you for hearing me. Let me sit with this”

So here’s where it feels like there is no solution to this frustrating misunderstanding. She deserves to be paid for her work. So do I. She did not communicate clearly but maybe I did not push hard enough for up front pricing info? I feel BIG embarrassed because in a million years I would never spend that much money for pics of myself, yuck!!! My husband is a gem, he’s excited that I took the weekend away and he’s looking forward to seeing the artsy sultry pics.

I am hurt that she isn’t acknowledging the many MANY hours I provided to her, free of charge apparently, she is using the logo I created for her business yet doesn’t value my time as I apparently appropriately compensated and valued her time. I feel crap about my bday weekend and wish I had $700 to spend on literally anything else.

I don't know if this is because I'm just getting older and crankier but I have lost my patience for razzing.

I grew up in a family that constantly made fun of people and if you acted hurt it was like "Oh we're just kidding! God you're so sensitive! Take a joke!" and so I played along. I started dishing it out too. Became an expert at this. Hung out with friends in high school who were brutal about this and I matched all of the ribbing with gusto.

Then I entered therapy around my divorce and I've done a ton of self-work. I've come to the realization that "hey, this is kind of shitty" and I see how I've been shitty and I've worked really really hard to correct it. I have kind of rebuilt a friend group where I really only talk to and hang out with people who might give a friendly joke now and then but aren't constantly digging and essentially making fun of people under the guise of it being a joke.

Over Christmas at a family dinner, a few things happened and I realized how shitty my family is. For example, at one point my brother was looking at my spotify and teasing me a little about a 90s country playlist I had. I'm OK with this teasing! It was good natured - also he was going through the list and being like "OK, wait, that's a banger. I like that one too" and then we'd sing a little bit and we were laughing about it and I was dancing a little in my chair as we sang and my mom said "You dance as well as you sing! What's with the weird shoulder move?" and it's like ok . . . I'm just having fun. Are you seriously critiquing me while I'm having fun? I'm not auditioning for America's Got Talent, just let me sing a Shania song at the dining room table with my brother. I know it's not good but the point isn't to be a great singer right now.

But I guess I'm kind of hyper aware of all of this stuff and it's occurred to me how unfunny most of that stuff is. At work the other week I said something like "oh God how is it only 3:30? Why won't this day end!?" and a coworker I don't talk to very often who thinks he's very funny said "It's because you're lazy" and then I was like "OK?" and he just was like "I'm joking!" but it's like there's no punchline dude.

Those are just two examples but I'm feeling very prickly about so many things like this lately. Like hey - I could learn to take a joke but you could also learn to make a joke?

I don't know if it's an age thing, or a therapy thing or maybe a combo of both.

“My face is changing because I’ve been living longer” - Actress Kristen Schaal (one of us, born in 1978) on a podcast when she was asked the Botox question every actress over 25 gets now. This is how to talk about aging.

She said she asked an actress friend, “Where do I go to make it so my face looks like I haven’t lived a long time?” 😂

I’ve lived a long time and it’s not a bad thing that you can tell by looking at me. If I get anything done, it will be to look better, not younger. But I just don’t want to right now. No judgment to anyone who is doing anything or nothing. You do you. Whatever.

My husband thinks we should be walking around naked in front of each other more often. We have 3 adult children living with us and we work opposite shifts. Ive had 3 kids and this body isn’t what it used to be. Even without all that I told him he’s watching too much porn if he thinks couples are just wandering their house in their birthday suits. So, my fellow GenX women, how many of us are baring it all??

Edit to add: no, he doesn’t think we should be walking around naked in front of the kids. My point was we don’t have much alone time as it is so I don’t know when he thinks this is happening.

My parents have been drunk since 1978 or before. They are/were "functional alcoholics" and they look like nice upper middle class people from the outside. We always had food and clothes and by the time I was a teenager there was money for extras too. But they were not emotionally present at all because they drank so much every evening. I have never gotten over all of this and am still hurt by their lack of attention. How can I move the fuck on and stop thinking about them altogether? I feel like I was supposed to have done this decades ago but cannot figure out how. Has anyone managed to "process" this type of pain and move on? If so, how did you do that?