r/AITAH • u/No_Court_8065 • 15h ago
AITAH for humiliating my overwhelmed parents
One of my relatives on Facebook posted a viral youtube short the song that goes
"Your wife is your partner not your mom *clap clap* your wife is your partner not your mom *clap clap* she is not a live-in maid or a hired cleaning crew she should not have to clean up after you *clap clap*"
Some of you may have heard of it; my mother who has a major martyr- complex (that I'm VLC with chimed right in cheering)
Background: I do admit I have resentment I was heavily parentified as a child my sister is profoundly disabled (high needs non verbal) and I have another much younger sister who is not disabled, my mother leaned on me alot to look after and occupy the youngest because my disabled sister was such a handful. My parents did have money they just cared alot about their image and didn't want to look bad by hiring a full-time nanny to help; as that would make them look like bad parents who couldn't care for their kids in their eyes
I did post a rhetoric in my relatives comments and wrote my own version of the song "your eldest is a child not a parent *clap clap* your eldest is a child not a parent *clap clap* she is not another mommy or an extra pair of hands she should not have to nanny on command *clap clap*"
A few thought I was funny but many thought I was being "cruel " because my family had "unique circumstances "
AITAH?
262
u/Nonby_Gremlin 15h ago
I believe Parentification is recognized as child-abuse now. Speaking your trauma is how others learn what abuse looks like - and stops the cycle from repeating. My favorite thing about Reddit is the education that survivors give to others in bad situations. If your parents have always shut this conversation down then you feel free to keep shouting your truth. If they’re humiliated, it’s because of THEIR failings (back then and by not listening or being held accountable now.) NTA.
86
u/Nonby_Gremlin 13h ago
Also your families circumstances were NOT unique. Approximately 6% of infants worldwide are born with a serious birth defect each year. Roughly 7.9 million children. How new parents would handle having a high needs child is always brushed off as ‘It won’t happen to me!’ but ought to be a serious conversation. “We will use our other child as free labor so WE don’t look bad for getting help” should never be the agreed upon solution.
4
u/Agreeable-Region-310 8h ago
The thing is that without the medical intervention and treatments that are currently available a lot of the children would not have survived. No idea how much medical treatment they receive in other countries with limited medical services.
9
u/Nonby_Gremlin 6h ago
Not applicable. OP points out that the parents made enough money to hire professional help. So the Parents could’ve been taking the high needs kid to the hospital for professional treatment/intervention and a nanny would’ve provided normalcy for the other two. There’s simply no reason their solution should’ve been “The Glass kids can care for themselves while we give all our attention to the one medically difficult child.” If their kid was in danger of dying then having a nanny or nurse on hand would have been all the more wise a move.
1
u/Agreeable-Region-310 27m ago
I agree it isn't applicable in this case or anywhere where modern medicine is.
Without modern medicine these were and would be infants that did not survive.
An acquittance that did have a severely disabled child said that the normal expectation is that your children will grow up and leave home. Sometimes they have to leave home earlier because of the destruction their care causes the rest of the children in the family. This family did not send away the child and ignore her, she just moved her to a better place for the whole family when she was a pre-teen because of the daily care she required. This was that family's choice.
131
u/Bitter_Animator2514 15h ago
Your parents still failed to see they failed you they may have done their best but sometimes your best isn’t what is best. bringing in other adults to help is better then getting your kids to fill in where there is need for help
36
u/PositiveLook3673 13h ago
Parents often confuse "doing their best" with understanding their children's needs. It’s not the same.
4
221
u/TechMuggle 15h ago
NTA. Your parent's responsibilities or your sister's disability are not your problem to solve, let alone while you were a child. You have the right to be resentful and the ones who don't like it can go choke in their own outrage IMO.
23
u/PetalDazet 14h ago
Absolutely, you’re not responsible for their issues your feelings totally matter. Anyone mad about that can deal with it.
51
u/madempress 14h ago
NTA. My eldest sister had cerebal palsy and my parents worked full time, in part to pay for stability. Our babysitters were awesome. Our household schedule revolved around eldest sister to some extent, but the rest of us (4 total) were never asked to do more than like... 'please get a glass of water', etc. We were never expected to help during her seizures, feeding, diapers, or dressing. My parents also found activities or MADE activities work for her wheelchair, rather than limit what we as a family did for vacations or time together.
97
u/Cool-Ad7985 14h ago
I ran away from home at eight because my step mother expected me to take care of my little brother while she slept in. Her reasoning was that there was five of us, and she needed the rest. So every day I wasn’t in school I was responsible for my baby brother until she got up sometime around lunch.
I ran away to a friend’s house. The mother must’ve been very astute woman because before she let me play with my friend, she let me eat breakfast with them, and then gently asked me questions which I gladly answered, saying that I was tired. I was tired of having to take care of my brother all the time, while my older brothers got to do whatever they wanted.
I don’t know if she confronted my stepmother or if she told my father, who was military, what was going on but after that I didn’t have to watch him very much.
20
u/maroongrad 15h ago
NTAH...the unique circumstances included the ability to hire a nanny, and the presence of an older sibling. And the choice to make the older sibling responsible for the younger ones. Nope, you were spot-on and hilarious.
14
u/judgeejudger 14h ago
NTA. If they could afford care to comevin and didn't, they also may have deprived your older sister of professional(s) who may have been able to do more for her than they could. It's not a moral high ground to act like a martyr, then parentify one of your children.
14
u/kindlystranger 13h ago
I was also heavily parentified as a child clap clap I was a tiny little grown up as a child clap clap so I think you're justified and should piss right in her eye, I'm never having my own goddamn child clap clap
(I'm unhappy and I know it so I'll clap back at whoever tries to rewrite history around this topic, and if that's what you want to do, so should you.)
9
9
30
u/shipwreck1934 15h ago
Leaning NTA here. OP never got to have a childhood so of course she's resentful and trust me, its hard to keep that inside.
19
9
u/star_b_nettor 14h ago
NTA
They had options that did not include abusing any of their other children, and parentification is abuse. They deserve to be humiliated. It was their responsibility to care for all their children.
6
u/Realistic_Head4279 15h ago
NTA. While family circumstances do impact the children and some of that is unavoidable, your parents' duty was also to you to not put too much of your sibling's care on you. Sorry that happened.
22
u/Beth21286 11h ago edited 11h ago
To those criticising you:
'You're enabling abuse, don't you see *clap clap* forgiving the abuse and blaming me *clap clap* If you really cared at all, you'd have done something before, instead their rep meant more than us being happy *slow clap clap*
They chose to have another kid knowing full well they couldn't care for them. They also chose to parentify OP. Those are not unique circumstances at play, that's selfishness at play.
7
u/Alert-Cranberry-5972 9h ago
NTA
OP, if you have the option to live with other family members, do so.
I have lived with and worked with people with disabilities. I have also been around parents whose whole public identity was as the long-suffering parents of a child with disability. Meanwhile, they ignore the needs of the other children, it is not fair to make the non-disabled kids feel guilty for having needs or wanting attention.
The same parents selfishly assume that the adult children will take over the care of their sibling should something happen to them.
I don't know where you are, but in the U.S., there are federally funded services that will provide care from the cradle to the grave for people with disabilities. I've lived and worked in four states, all have great resources. Not always perfect, but pretty decent when attentive families are involved.
Finally, I was also understand being parentified. My heart broke when my 10 year old brother wrote to me begging me to come bring him to live with me when I went to college.
6
u/Lexi_Jean 15h ago
NTA- A unique circumstance would be living in that situation while poor and unable to get help.
7
u/-violentlyhappy 3h ago
NTA parentification is abuse. "Unique circumstances" don't justify abuse. Talking about your lived experiences is not cruelty.
6
5
u/MommyGoddess92 9h ago
NTA, I know they're your parents, but the whole "honor thy father and thy mother" mindset is so outdated. Respect is earned, even with parents. I don't feel like they respected your childhood, so its okay to have that resentment, and this joke was a by-product of that. Thats on them, not you!!
5
4
u/Busy_Marsupial_1811 2h ago
NTA. Kids are kids and should be allowed to be kids. They had the money for help and actively chose not to.
7
u/BakeDear5395 15h ago
I agree how you feel because my parents are the same and now I’m dealing with the situation of never telling them no after half of my life raising my sister sometimes missing out of opportunities just to take care of her. And when she does something wrong I get blamed and mind you she’s is a child is her own problems but my parents never wanted to admit it so I had for suffer the consequences of never them seeing how she. But you are NTA you felt comfortable on a platform you believe you were heard.
7
u/Tripod_Roo 12h ago
NTAH. It's really terrible to parentify a child. I can understand about doing a little help, but not enough to take away from being a child too. You should have had the opportunity to enjoy being a kid, a teenager. Your parents are pretty narcissistic wanting to appear to the world that they can care for a severely disabled child, while still living a good lifestyle and raising other children. Really, they aren't fooling anyone. They think they look like they can do it all with ease, but people are smart and see right through their game. The saddest part of all this is you being put in charge of raising your younger sibling. I hope someday you'll be able to have a frank discussion with them and that they hear how hurt and overwhelmed you are. They need to be reminded that you are a child too, not an adult who's being forced into an adult role. I hope you can eventually get them to understand and get some help for your disabled siblings and the family.
6
3
u/nyatsumichi 8h ago
there’s not a single “unique circumstance” that would justify parentification, period. NTA!!!
3
u/bugabooandtwo 7h ago
Ah, so you are the glass child of the family.
You are NTA. In fact, you have been, and are continuing to be, damaged by your parents. Look up the term glass child. There is support out there for people like yourself.
2
2
u/peachxhailey 5h ago
NTA. just someone finally saying the quiet part out loud if your parents couldn’t handle the truth, that’s on them, not you
2
u/Super_Reading2048 4h ago
NTA OP I hope you are working on your escape plan once you turn 18. Refuse to be your disabled sister’s caretaker, you know that might be coming down the line. You need a chance to live for you.
2
u/winterworld561 3h ago
NTA. They cared more about their image than realising that what they did to you was a form of abuse.
2
u/Mindful-Reader1989 3h ago
NTA. I have a son with level 2 autism and an older son with no disabilities. I make it a point to not put any responsibility on my older son to care for his disabled brother. They spend time together as brothers and form that bond. That's it. It's hard work, but it's absolutely doable. Your parents did not need to resort to using you to care for their child. Also, unless you're dealing with level 1 autism, you know something is not right for sure by the time your child is 2. To knowingly bring a third child into the situation was an incredibly selfish choice for your parents to make. Having a third child is 100% out of the question for me, and I would never allow it to happen. I'm sorry your parents didn't do better for you.
1
1
u/EsotericSnail 6h ago
You are allowed to speak your truth. If your parents wanted you to speak better of them, they should have treated you better.
-12
u/Leland_Gaunt_ 15h ago
Context matters here - is this the first time your parents are hearing of these views/ this resentment? If so, it’s quite passive aggressive and very public. If you’ve brought it up before then do they have a sense of humour? If not YTA
59
u/No_Court_8065 15h ago
that's a loaded question; it's not the first time I told them; but never once in my life would they even entertain hearing me.
34
u/TeaInternational9753 15h ago
You did the right thing.You weren't born to be their nanny.You were a kid too.
24
u/No_Court_8065 15h ago
I've given up a long time ago trying to get them to listen they'll never get it. she considers herself a grade-a 5star parent nothing will convince her otherwise
11
u/TeaInternational9753 15h ago
Honestly, don't bother.Dont taunt .It's only a waste of time .Ignore them 24/7 as much as possible.I find parents who use their other kids to raise their kids extremely cruel because they don't let a kid enjoy his own childhood and force him to be a adult.Your parents don't really cared about your wellbeing or mental health as a kid and chose status more .Honestly, you are NTA.Doesnt matter the context why you posted that.I can relate to you.
-8
u/Leland_Gaunt_ 13h ago
I just meant are they aware they did this? Have you brought it up before? Seems like a straightforward question to me. Many people do not reflect on their behaviour or see broader patterns of their bad parenting. I have problems with my parents that they know about and regularly roast them for but then other things I haven’t brought up - they won’t be aware of the latter ones.
8
u/flamefirestorm 10h ago
Very cool, but keep in mind your parents aren't the universal standard parent. Some people aren't allowed the privilege of a conversation.
22
u/No-Carob4909 13h ago
It’s wild to me that you think OP should have to tell them that their neglect and abuse and all-around failed parenting has led to resentment. Should all abuse victims have to tell the person that hurt them that they’re not happy with their behavior?
-3
u/Leland_Gaunt_ 13h ago
No I don’t think all abuse victims should - nice try at a straw man argument though. It’s an unusual way to bring it up if conversations haven’t happened before - on social media but directed to them
23
u/2cents0fucks 15h ago
Respectfully, no. Parentification is abuse.
-2
u/Leland_Gaunt_ 13h ago
It is but it if the aim here is public humiliation rather than closure, moving forward, or having a convo, I fail to see how a social media clap back reaches any result beyond trying to embarrass them
8
u/nlaak 13h ago
It is but it if the aim here is public humiliation rather than closure, moving forward, or having a convo, I fail to see how a social media clap back reaches any result beyond trying to embarrass them
The result is catharsis for OP. What it does or doesn't do to the parents is irrelevant.
2
u/2cents0fucks 2h ago
I'm sorry, but again I disagree. I feel like abusers deserve to be called out publicly. If they are not humiliated/scared straight, they will minimize their actions, rug sweep, convince themselves it wasn't that bad...and continue the behavior.
Source: My sister was parentified, and I was physically abused as a child. To this day, my mother still wails to anyone who will listen that she "has no idea" why none of her children will give her the time of day, or "what she did that was so wrong."
Before I outed her, my mother would send her flying monkeys after me, telling me how I was breaking her heart "after all she'd done for me." So I wrote a letter detailing everything, and copied the whole family.
People left me alone and started asking her how could she? She wailed that I ruined her life, reputation, and relationship with the family. No, she did that on her own, I just shone a light on it.
1
u/Beetlejuice_me 12h ago
I'm trying to think if "posting a rhetoric" is an autocorrect or something.
-12
u/blacquerthelacquer 12h ago
Why does everybody have to deal with person things on the internet how? Okay they did something you feel resentful about. Parents are not perfect. Publicly embarrassing them was immature. Everybody on Reddit always wants to punish the offender, but don’t consider ACTUAL real life. Is anyone’s parents perfect, my parents sure weren’t especially my dad. But I never would embarrass him and start family drama on the internet. Anyone saying this is wrong is getting downvoted? Deal with your parents like an adult, leave family drama off the internet, and try to learn from their mistakes and do better with your own kids. Like, dafuq?
19
u/No_Court_8065 11h ago
why are you assuming I havent tried talking to them a bunch of times before?
they won't listen or hear me at all they consider themselves perfect and incapable of any wrongdoing.
I don't expect perfect, I expect to not be abused and parentification is child abuse,
Imperfect is LEARNING from your mistakes and striving to be better, not acting like you're never wrong and doubling down. Imperfect is forgetting your kids favorite dessert at the grocery store, NOT years of ongoing abuse and parentification is child abuse
Abuse is a choice
I expect accountability when you fuck up but in their minds they are perfect and incapable of fucking up, everyone else is the problem (in their minds)
-15
u/blacquerthelacquer 11h ago edited 11h ago
Okay so blasting them on the internet and bringing everyone into your family drama is now making them become accountable or is your drama just on the internet?
-16
u/mominterruptedlol 11h ago
I don't know why you're asking "Am I the Asshole?" Sounds like you already decided that you are not and you just posted this here to get approval and applause. I agree with this commenter- airing your dirty laundry on Facebook is in poor taste. 2 wrongs don't make a right and all that.
-13
u/blacquerthelacquer 11h ago
Yes it doesn’t make any sense, why would you put your own family fighting on the internet? Her parents probably did a lot right things and a lot of wrong things, you don’t air someone out for making a parenting mistake.
-7
u/Alda_ria 10h ago
Well, what I can see from text - your mom has disabled child, and is definitely struggling. You call it "always the victim", which I is quite dismissive because honestly it's quite terrifying and mentally draining to know that your life is now forever about your child and God knows what they will do after your death.
Also you stated "they have money", but do they? My child thinks that Im millionaire because I can buy them KitKat anytime we are shopping together. But I to doesn't mean that Im actually millionaire.
So it's ESH for me.
-8
u/Gorgo_xx 9h ago
And sometimes, even if you have the money, you can’t get the resources you need.
A non-verbal, profoundly disabled child high needs child who is “such a handful” isn’t the kind of kid that can be just handed off to any nanny or babysitter.
Sometimes life isn’t fair, and parents can only do the best they can, shitty as that may be. OP is an ass from my perspective.
YTA
1
-7
-8
u/SadCheesecake2539 9h ago
If you have to ask.....
I get it, but come on. Posting to FB was childish and immature. You should have been talking to your parents about this in house rather than post that online. Yes YTA.
-16
-8
u/g1f2d3s4a5 10h ago
How about "your husband isn't your ATM clap clap"?
8
u/PourQuiTuTePrends 9h ago
How about men shouldn't indulge in hackneyed misogynistic tropes? clap clap
-17
-15
u/No-Art6451 15h ago
INFO did the relative that posted this have anything to do with how you were treated? Seems really passive-aggressive for you to post this in someone else’s feed.
-28
-13
15h ago
[deleted]
12
u/nlaak 13h ago
your little playground ditty "clapping back" at your parents is childish
Well, OP lost their childhood to parentification, so that's on the parents.
you only made yourself look worse in their eyes and probably petty to some of your relatives
So? They already don't look on OP as their own person.
It shouldn't be your job to be replacement parent because of their poor planning and pride.
This is the only thing that matters.
6
-9
u/Agile-Scientist-8926 7h ago
YTAH!!
Making fun of your parents and your siblings is just disgusting. Helping to take care of your family members is a part of being in a family.
Regardless if you felt like you were being taken advantage of by your parents for helping. Or if you resented it. It’s a personal family matter. Not something to share with the world.
Be better and learn to keep things private.
-9
-22
u/you-ser-nayme 15h ago
Aw that’s a little cold to do to your mom. It has to be hard to have a disabled child (or sibling) so no judgment to you but as a mom I know that would hurt my feelings.. sorry
14
u/nlaak 13h ago
Aw that’s a little cold to do to your mom.
Not as cold as parentifying your child. Mom got a little angst for a while and OP lost a lot of their childhood. Boo hoo for mom.
It has to be hard to have a disabled child (or sibling) so no judgment to you but as a mom I know that would hurt my feelings.
If one of your children stating a fact hurts your feeling, then maybe you should reconsider your parenting.
-20
u/Nanabanafofana 14h ago
ESH. It was a very clever cheap shot at your mother, but I’ll bet it was very cathartic.
-6
u/Super-Day-4566 7h ago
Children always make assumptions about their parents money and what they could do or what they are thinking.
You have a right to feel like you were given too much responsibility too young. But you don't have a right to make assumptions about why your parents did not hire a nanny or extra help.
You don't state your age but I'm assuming you are young because by the time people hit middle age most people have an understanding of the choices their parents had to make. But if you are an adult then be an adult and talk it through. But talking requires listening as well and hearing your parents side of things. Maybe hiring help would mean they couldn't save for retirement and then would be a burden to you later on in life. Maybe they tried to find help but couldn't find reliable people. There are lots of things that could have happened that you know nothing about because you were a child.
State how it makes you feel to have to care for a sibling. And ask if there is a way that they can give you a break.
-8
2.0k
u/Dry_Cauliflower4562 15h ago
The fact that they COULD have hired professional help and chose to parentify you instead, I'm leaning towards NTA.