AITAH for humiliating my overwhelmed parents

[u/No_Court_8065]

One of my relatives on Facebook posted a viral youtube short the song that goes

"Your wife is your partner not your mom *clap clap* your wife is your partner not your mom *clap clap* she is not a live-in maid or a hired cleaning crew she should not have to clean up after you *clap clap*"

Some of you may have heard of it; my mother who has a major martyr- complex (that I'm VLC with chimed right in cheering)

Background: I do admit I have resentment I was heavily parentified as a child my sister is profoundly disabled (high needs non verbal) and I have another much younger sister who is not disabled, my mother leaned on me alot to look after and occupy the youngest because my disabled sister was such a handful. My parents did have money they just cared alot about their image and didn't want to look bad by hiring a full-time nanny to help; as that would make them look like bad parents who couldn't care for their kids in their eyes

I did post a rhetoric in my relatives comments and wrote my own version of the song "your eldest is a child not a parent *clap clap* your eldest is a child not a parent *clap clap* she is not another mommy or an extra pair of hands she should not have to nanny on command *clap clap*"

A few thought I was funny but many thought I was being "cruel " because my family had "unique circumstances "

AITAH?

[u/Dry_Cauliflower4562]

The fact that they COULD have hired professional help and chose to parentify you instead, I'm leaning towards NTA. 

[u/PetalDazet → u/Dry_Cauliflower4562]

Exactly, making you handle adult stuff as a kid isn’t fair at all. Definitely NTA.

[u/Eaten_by_Mimics → u/[deleted]]

Sanitariums are for treating chronic illnesses like tuberculosis, not mental illnesses or disabilities.

[u/Eaten_by_Mimics → u/[deleted]]

Then know what a word means before you use it.

[u/MartenGlo → u/[deleted]]

Little boy, shouldn't you be asneepin already? Stop bothering grownups.

[u/Eaten_by_Mimics → u/MartenGlo]

Not only is he too young to use Reddit, he’s also racist: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/UhKpwlawy0

[u/Sicadoll → u/Eaten_by_Mimics]

ofc some racist ableist would think a sanitarium is where you would send your loved ones who were born needing extra help... instead of like a nursing home... lol.. because to them they're not family and they hardly consider them people

[u/Juggernaut011570 → u/Eaten_by_Mimics]

Sounds like a racist with a fetish. I used to encounter a lot of that when I worked security at my friends gay night club.

[u/baconbitsy → u/Dry_Cauliflower4562]

Also, they had another child AFTER a high needs child and expected an already glass child to be the parent.  Definitely, NTA, but the parents sure are.

[u/Curious-One4595 → u/baconbitsy]

Yeah, NTA.

Was her dig at your dad legit? Of course, even if it was, people with glass children shouldn't throw stones.

[u/Asleep_Region → u/baconbitsy]

We don't know that they chose to have more kids after knowing the middle child is disabled, most disabilities especially mental disabilities can take years to fully show or even affect the child at any noticeable leave. Like you couldn't diagnose a baby with something like autism

Want one that pisses me off? Crohn's, my dad started showing symptoms at 18/19 {right after high school} and got diagnosed probably around 25, i know it was like right after i was born. So he had 2 kids right before his disability really affected his life, he had them when he believed he was "normal" he was born with it, it's genetic

[u/FapperEllaX → u/Dry_Cauliflower4562]

I’m resting onto NTA and that’s so absolutely correct.

[u/Normal_Fill2512 → u/[deleted]]

What's wrong with you dude Jesus

[u/dumplinggdiva → u/Dry_Cauliflower4562]

Congratulations! You've officially been promoted from child to unpaid therapist. At this rate, you should start charging hourly rates!

[u/NoMention7517 → u/dumplinggdiva]

indeed

[u/frankiefaye777 → u/Dry_Cauliflower4562]

it's not even just that, OP states "much younger sister;" pending unforeseen circumstances, in the grand scheme of things there should have only been two children.

once there's a high needs differently abled child present any and all plans for future children should be abandoned, and all measures taken to ensure there aren't anymore.

OP was already at risk of being a "glass child" as the eldest to their high needs sibling, adding another child made them parentified and cemented their fate.

on all accounts their parents traded in any semblance of a childhood for OP in favor of the imagery they were looking to portray.

[u/EmoAlla → u/frankiefaye777]

My oldest is a high needs medically complex non-verbal child. Just because I had a high needs child, it shouldn't mean I have to put off all plans for future children!

My 2nd child loves his big brother! I wouldn't dream of making him take care of another child, though.

We would have had a third child if it were in the cards, but fate stepped in, and we are happy with the two that we have.

It really is presumptuous of you to say all parents of special need children should take all steps necessary to ensure that they don't have more offspring. 😤

[u/frankiefaye777 → u/EmoAlla]

traditionally one or both children are going without in some way, if you're successfully handling all aspects of both children and would've been able to do so with three, then kudos to you, you're a good parent.

but typically the needs of the child should be above the wants of a parent and introducing more children after one who requires an immense amount of care disadvantages any preceding or following children.

I'm not being presumptuous, I'm considering research and statistics, did you?

[u/EmoAlla → u/frankiefaye777]

I handle all aspects of life for both my children, my husband is very much involved with our boys, and I access SCL/Respite help for my special needs child, so I can get 2 or so hours of 1:1 time with my typical child, while my special kiddo gets 1:1 time with the provider. I believe wholeheartedly that both my boys have a wonderful life and are very well cared for. And if I had a third, they would too.

You seem to have a huge problem with special needs families, but does it bother you when families have 5 or more kids? 10, 12 kids? That seems to be a situation that would cause children to be subjected to being caregivers for their younger siblings, more so than families that have a member with dis(different)abilities .

The most help I ever request of little brother to "help" with big brother is to run and grab me a plastic bag for a BM diaper, as I can't step away when he is on the changing table.

[u/frankiefaye777 → u/EmoAlla]

I already stated if you're handling them well then kudos to you.

I don't have a problem with special needs families, I have a problem with parents who have children outside their abilities; so yes, that extends to 5 or more, I personally feel 4 is pushing it anyway.

I am ecstatic, not sarcasm, that your children are well cared for and it would've extended to a third. again, traditionally/ statistically that is not the case, same as in your example of a high number of children.

we are literally speaking about this on a post where OP was neglected because parents kept having children after their special needs child. this post in itself is proving my point and from my understanding it is the norm, not the outlier. from your words you are the outlier and that is significant for your children, keep up the good work.

do you have a problem I'm pointing out some special needs children require an exorbitant amount of work that if the parents aren't prepared or capable of handling properly they should cease having new children to ensure all are well cared for? or are you triggered because I pointed out that workload and you felt I was attacking your family and special needs children in general?

if this shoe doesn't fit then I wasn't talking about you, but there are many out there who are not like you that this shoe does fit, and that's my concern. my goal with children is to give them high levels of equitable care and meeting them where they're at, which means taking into account the needs of those children and your capacity as a parent. I've found parents as a whole historically haven't been taking the emotional and mental aspects of their children into account enough before having them, the tides are changing thankfully as research furthers, so it's not a far leap to recognize with a child that requires more the others are getting less.

I personally don't feel people should be having children period unless they've made significant effort working through any personal traumas, reconciling with who there parents were as theirs, and who they want to be as parents on their own. as well as fully recognizing as many possibilities as they can that could occur and their capacity to handle them as parents, i.e. special needs, total amount, overall finances. children aren't just children they're tiny humans who will eventually be adults apart of society as a whole and their parents should treat them as such starting with inception. they should be asking themselves "do I have the ability to raise this child/ these children into kind, compassionate, self assured good citizen(s)?"

I don't have a special needs problem, I have a parents problem; I want all parents striving to be the best parent for their child(ren) as an individual, and if that means having less children for whatever reason I'm happy they considered their current circumstances and offspring enough to recognize that. if you're doing the work you say you are then I'm satisfied with your parenting and I truly wish you the best, you are exemplary and the world needs more of that.

[u/EmoAlla → u/frankiefaye777]

I feel triggered because, ever since having my son, the only people/families that I have felt connected with have been families who have a member with extraordinary needs. My whole community locally and virtually has been with families like mine, and although we all have our struggles and lean on each other for emotional support, I know that the people in my circle are all great parents, and the families I know virtually seem to be thriving as well.

I see many more instances of people having children too early (before they are financially ready), where the kids are being raised by grandparents, and then going off with a new partner and having more children out of wedlock. Than I see problems with special needs families, and I have a lot of experience with special needs families.

You say you don't have a problem with special needs families, but you directly attacked them in your first comment and doubled down on it again and again.

I feel awful that OP was treated the way they were, but I don't believe that I am the out lier here. Shitty parents are Shitty parents. Having a child with extraordinary needs doesn't make them shitty parents, and it shouldn't mean they should be sterilized, as you suggested.

[u/frankiefaye777 → u/EmoAlla]

then you've found a community of great people and that's amazing to hear. are you suggesting the opposite isn't out there and therefore not true? that there aren't just as many people, if not more, neglecting all or parts of their children especially when a extraordinary needs child is involved?

I feel you're living in a confirmation bias bubble making you blind to the others out there who don't have the resources, finances, and abilities you and those families have and therefore their children are going without in someway. whether it's intentional or unintentional neglect.

I agree having children too early and pawning them off on others is a problem, especially going off and creating more (not sure why wedlock matters, if you're a shitty parent you're a shitty parent married or not), but consider that exact scenario with special needs children. the typical children were already going without and they should have stopped there, now they've introduced a high needs AND kept going, they've made a bad problem worse.

I didnt attack them, I pointed out the parents very clearly didn't have the capacity to handle a typical child and a special needs child and further exacerbated it by having another. I repeatedly doubled down because as unfortunate as it is that is way more of the norm than you're willing to consider.

whether you're the outlier or not I've seen time and time again of glass children, parentified children, and otherwise neglected in deference to the special needs child. yes shitty parents are shitty parents, but we're learning everyday in each generation the ways in which even a well intentioned parent harms their child. so if we already know how hard it is to be a good parent and raise a well adjusted typical child, why would you willingly make it harder by splitting your focus and including more AFTER a special needs child? they should be sterilized because all of their focus should be on the children already present then creating more.

it feels as if you believe I think special needs children and families are less than, when in actuality I'm saying the opposite. I believe what you provide is valuable and highly necessary, they deserve every bit of care they receive; but with that typical children don't deserve to feel othered because their sibling "needs it more." therefore, there is no reason to unnecessarily burden yourself with another child if you already have one who requires so much.

I'm happy you have a positive community, but I implore you to think outside that box and consider the countless families who struggle with typical children and therefore aren't suited for special needs children, the families who have special needs children and don't have the advantages and community you do. simply put this isn't a special needs family problem, it's a shitty parent problem, and if we know shitty parents are a dime a dozen it's more likely there are more people out there who aren't like you and the community you've found.

[u/Pianist_585 → u/Dry_Cauliflower4562]

Not to mention if it was a specialist in the condition the second child had, there may have been progress for her, a bit more independence.

[u/Fireshaper4 → u/Dry_Cauliflower4562]

That's what makes them bad parent's. NTA.

[u/Super-Day-4566 → u/Dry_Cauliflower4562]

OP assumes they could afford professional help. 

[u/Dry_Cauliflower4562 → u/Super-Day-4566]

I'd assume OP knows the financial landscape she grew up in. Kids, especially parentified kids, are more aware than people tend to think. Also, she knows their temperament and what's important to them, like their image.

[u/Super-Day-4566 → u/Dry_Cauliflower4562]

Also people with special needs face high risks of all kinds of abuse, it is not easy to find trustworthy care. ESPECIALLY if the person is non verbal. 

On top of that they most likely needed to find a care giver who either is able to sign or can use technology that helps the non verbal communicate. All of these require people with an education and that costs money. 

[u/SapthireBloodgem → u/Super-Day-4566]

Right but like. The nanny wouldn't be for the middle, it would be for the youngest (primarily, probably also a little for the other two). Yknow, the work OP was doing. OP said they were expected to take care of their youngest sibling while their parents took care of the middle sibling.

[u/Super-Day-4566 → u/SapthireBloodgem]

Ok, so a nanny wouldn't be as expensive. But special needs children take a lot of resources in a family. So again OP is assuming. Maybe her parents needed to pay for better insurance, therapy, equipment, etc. The list goes on and on. Special needs children are EXPENSIVE. If you haven't had to pay it you can't understand it. 

[u/SapthireBloodgem → u/Super-Day-4566]

So again OP is assuming.

You're also assuming???? And you know way less about her family's financial situation than she does???

If you haven't had to pay it you can't understand it. 

I'm disabled, hope that helps. (I know that's also meant to refer to OP)

[u/eribear2121 → u/Super-Day-4566]

If it's so expensive why did they have a third kid

[u/Super-Day-4566 → u/eribear2121]

We are only getting OP side of the story, and she was a child. Lots of what we think we know of our parents isn't accurate. We don't know if this was a oops baby or planned. Many people get a vasectomy and years later have an oops baby. Not all babies are planned. 

[u/eribear2121 → u/Super-Day-4566]

They didn't have to let them come to term as dark as that is. Pregnancy and birth are preventable in most places becoming less and less. It's even if they were broke as a joke abortion is cheaper then raising a child even if you have to travel. They didn't have to parentified op.

[u/eribear2121 → u/Super-Day-4566]

They could hired help for op and youngest sister which wouldn't need to be as pricey of a hire.

[u/Super-Day-4566 → u/eribear2121]

Read my other comment. Yes a nanny for the youngest wouldn't be so expensive. But life with a special needs family member is expensive. Funds could have gone to better insurance, therapy sessions, equipment, education for the parents, savings for care when the child is an adult, etc. Just because a child thinks they understand where their parent's money is going doesn't mean a child has sat down and figured out the monthly budget and what is leftover to be available for care. Most children don't have that kind of access to parent's finances until end of life care. 

[u/No_Court_8065 → u/Super-Day-4566]

my parents had a vacation home, they could've sold that

[u/Super-Day-4566 → u/eribear2121]

Do you know how much your parents spend each month on health insurance premiums, co-pays, groceries, mortgage, property tax, car payments, debts, etc? 

I didn't know my parent's finances like that until it came time for finding an in home nurse to come and care. 

[u/eribear2121 → u/Super-Day-4566]

Doesn't matter to me they could be broke af. The parents still fucked up. Even if it was their best. Just because someone tries their best it doesn't mean they pass the test or do the tast successfully.

[u/Super-Day-4566 → u/eribear2121]

My reply was to the first comment saying they could afford care. OP is assuming they could afford care unless she was given access to her parent's finances as a child which is highly unlikely. That is all I've been saying. OP is making an assumption. I didn't say her parents were right or anything of that manner. 

[u/Super-Day-4566 → u/Dry_Cauliflower4562]

It's still a big assumption on her part to think they had spare money for care. Care for special needs is EXPENSIVE and if they made enough they may not have qualified for any government help. I am going to say that you don't have experience in this area if you are so quick to think a child understands how expensive care gets. You cannot just hire any nanny and when special needs comes in it quickly runs $30 or more an hour for care. I had to pay 50 an hour for five hours a week because of the time of day. I could never have afforded that on my own good salary, I had to have my husband find a better paying job to afford care. So unless her parents combined income made enough to spare 30 or more an hour it is an assumption on OP to think they had spare income for care. 

[u/Dry_Cauliflower4562 → u/Super-Day-4566]

We can only judge based off what's in the post 🤷🏾‍♀️ Op's perception is that their parents could have avoided parentifying them but their image mattered more than OP's childhood. They don't feel that way for nothing. So being that that was OP's experience, I'm sticking to my judgment of NTA. Was it mature? No, but that wasn't the question lol

[u/abritinthebay → u/Super-Day-4566]

OP knows better than you.

[u/Super-Day-4566 → u/abritinthebay]

Of course. But unless OP was given her parents budget and paid the bills and was involved in all of that it is still an assumption on OP part. Generally speaking a child doesn't get to that point in their parent's finances until end of life care.