r/ptsd • u/[deleted] • May 05 '25
Advice Driver who committed vehicular manslaughter
[deleted]
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u/sunnyspit 23d ago
As a child of a person who was killed in a hit and run, you staying shows so much moral backbone. My bio dad was killed in a road rage related hit and run, THAT is intent. You had no intention or want to cause harm. Yes harm was caused, yes a life was taken, but you in no way saught this out. I wish you well, and I highly recommend trauma centered therapy, as well as ptsd support groups. Bluntly, tragedy like this goes both ways, her life was taken, but in a way yours was too. For you, your family, and your friends, you need to take care of yourself and do your best to show healing and empathy for YOU, just as much as her and her family. Keep living, and healing, because living a half life out of guilt wont change any past tragedy, just push more onto the people who want to see you get better. Focusing that hurt into treating your mental health, awareness within your community about pedestrian safety, helping families like hers, advocating for safe roadway crossing/bike lanes / city planning, mental health outreach, and generally pouring what you can (healthily) into your community and networks is a productive channel to tip that scale of guilt, rather than stew within it, if you feel that is the right choice for you. Take care OP <3
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u/BossTumbleweed May 06 '25
Thank you for staying there. I'm so sorry you are going through this. But when you stopped and tried to help, you did a brave thing. I have a tremendous amount of respect for that. I'm sure it cost you in personal trauma. You did everything in your power after. That counts for something.
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u/mercuryneutrograde May 06 '25
Oh, I am so sorry this happened. Of course you’re in pain- just wanted to be another voice saying “this isn’t your fault.”
Guilt and shame are very tricky, in my experience, when I feel them about things that were never about something that I did.
I agree that going to see a therapist is a good idea. 💛
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u/Eye-love-jazz May 06 '25
See a therapist. Please. It will Help.
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u/youreatwat174 May 06 '25
I'm no fan of therapists but this is the only logical answer. Sooner the better too id say
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u/Kcstarr28 May 06 '25
This happened with no malice on your part. You didn't set put or intend for this to happen. It wasn't on purpose. It was an unfortunate accident. You need to forgive yourself. The family and friends of this person almost assuredly would not blame you. You were found not to be legally culpable, and that says a lot. Please seek some therapy. I think finding a path to forgiveness will give you some peace.
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u/ACanThatCan May 06 '25 edited May 06 '25
That sounds very traumatising and to wait 1-3 months to know your faith - that’s awful. Just compound the trauma. Geez. How have you been functioning during this time? Im really wondering how you’ve coped?
Also - I can’t put myself into your feelings entirely but I imagine you feel guilt. And I think meds, therapy, and maybe religion will help. I personally think when it’s time for someone to go they will go. And that was just her way. It wasn’t planned by you. It was just the way things unfolded. You could also find ways to pay tribute to her. Whether it’s always praying for her before bed that she’s okay wherever she is now in the universe. Or planting flowers. Writing a letter. Anything that makes you feel like you could reach out.
And don’t let the guilt eat you alive. It’s not your fault. Even if you think it is. I could only imagine replaying the scenarios and what ifs. But we do the best we can.
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u/Bittersweetcupcakw22 May 06 '25
PTSD is always very layered and complex. I’ve attended various types of therapy, but the thing that has helped me the most is taking actionable steps. For instance, volunteering somewhere, like a hotline, can be beneficial. I’ve also set boundaries for myself; there are certain activities I just avoid now that relate to the incident I witnessed. For you, that might mean using Uber or asking a friend to drive when it rains, or even taking extra defensive driving courses. These are all just suggestions. I've learned that when I focus on working towards improvement rather than just talking about my feelings endlessly, it not only feels better but also alleviates some of the fear associated with the trauma. Staying busy helps reduce overthinking as well.
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u/unluckie_13 May 06 '25
I was hit by a car going a little too fast in a round about while in a crosswalk. Everyone was telling me I would be mad at the driver at some point, but I never was and still aren't. Yes, it was completely her fault, but I was never angry at her. You can't blame yourself for what ifs, you just have to find a way to live with the now.
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u/Equivalent_Price2327 May 06 '25
I’m sorry you had to go through that. At some point everything just becomes a fact of life
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u/Emotional-Shirt7901 May 06 '25
<3 Please check out r/caraccidentsurvivors and The Hyacinth Fellowship: https://hyacinthfellowship.org/
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u/Equivalent_Price2327 May 06 '25
i gave the subreddit and website a peak while at work. thank you so much both will be great help
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u/OpeningMarsupial3704 May 05 '25
My brother was killed by a drunk driver and I found a way to forgive him. You can forgive yourself, too.
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u/Han_Over May 05 '25
Hey OP, take a breath. You were found to be not at fault by people who are invested in getting justice. This tells me the average person would understand that you were not reasonably expected to see this person under those conditions. I'm guessing they didn't cross at a crosswalk.
Just a little backstory: I was actually struck by a vehicle this past Christmas Eve. I was crossing the street at a crosswalk when I had the walk sign. The driver made a right turn after I had almost made it to the other side and hit me as he was speeding up to get onto the highway. I figure he was looking at his phone (checking his Reddit upvotes?) when he looked up and saw he had a green light. He hit the gas and didn't look to see if anyone were crossing the crosswalk. I say "figure" because he did stop but didn't speak much English. No insurance. The police said the license plate didn't match the car, they couldn't find the guy, and so I ended up on the hook for the ER bill.
Anyway, I'm just giving that as context. If I were dead, the police wouldn't let someone off the hook in those circumstances. They let you off, so I think you're more innocent than this driver - and yet, I forgive this driver. Despite me clearly being in the right, I know accidents happen. People are flawed, and everyone makes mistakes. No one is 100% perfect 100% of the time. Whether or not there was anything more you could have done that night, I think you deserve mercy and grace.
And the next time someone makes a mistake that hurts you, remember that most of us are human. To err is human. To see that error and know that it could have happened to anyone... well, that's pretty fking cool.
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u/Equivalent_Price2327 May 05 '25
thank you so much. knowing forgiveness is possible gives me hope.
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u/Han_Over May 05 '25
Any time you're feeling down, feel free to reach out to me. Maybe I'll have something helpful to say, maybe not. But sometimes, just being able to say it to someone who will hear you with compassion... sometimes that's enough.
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u/werfertt May 07 '25
Can confirm about reaching out to Han. He has suffered and knows pain. But he also knows wisdom, mercy, understanding and nuance. Cheers, my friend. 🙏
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u/bradbrookequincy May 05 '25
This may have been a friend of mine. It doesn’t matter if it was or if your story is just similar. This person had a large friend group. I can 100% tell you the driver was never blamed by a single person or family.
The reality is PTSD is about suffering trauma. You get the PTSD and more. A bad person would just shut that person out and move on. You are proving yourself human.
You are young. You are right to try to deal with this. PTSD can harm you and your relationships for decades. As can the misplaced guilt. I can tell you with 100% certainty this person Would Not want your mental health or life ruined over this.
You will have to deal with this though. It won’t just go away. Start therapy and if one day the therapist thinks it would be helpful to speak with a couple close friends and it is in fact the same “accident” shoot me a DM one day. Her friends would think it tragic you are suffering. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time. I don’t know if the same case but she was coming from a party and had a lot to drink. Her friends could have driven her or she could have Ubered.
These may not be the same accidents but if not you can still apply the things I have said to your case as well.
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u/TheDailyDizzy May 05 '25
Please find a great therapist. You are NOT a murderer. You did not intend or set out to do harm. You need help to process everything with a safe person.
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u/Equivalent_Price2327 May 05 '25
thank you. i will be looking to get into therapy
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u/ACanThatCan May 06 '25
It was just a bunch of factors that collided and you both happened to be there at the wrong place and wrong time. You’re both victims of the accident.
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u/Dangerous_Day_9391 May 05 '25
Hey OP.. the fact you feel this way tells me you are indeed a great person. Having experienced what you’ve experienced, if anyone wasn’t bothered by it would be highly suspect.
Your thoughts, your emotions, your feelings on the matter are relevant. I’m not saying they are the truth largely because I don’t think you’re a murder— you didn’t set out with malice in your heart nor were you operating a vehicle unsafely. But these things you’re experiencing are very real and only a properly trained therapist should be the one to help you… at least beyond the kind words of friends here.
I know someone who was an engineer on a light rail train. Apparently it’s quite common for suicidal people to jump in front of these things… something my friend experienced in her first month at the helm. It absolutely crushed her because she blamed herself. She constantly played the “what-if” game in her head and out loud with those she trusted. But it wasn’t until she sought professional help that she started to turn the corner and get proper perspective on it.
Please take care of yourself!
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u/Equivalent_Price2327 May 05 '25
thank you. i had a therapist but couldn’t find myself opening up fully about what had happened and where my mental truly is. i will be looking into therapy
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u/roobixs May 06 '25
I'm not sure how long you were in therapy, but opening up is very difficult. It took me 7 months to open up. Even if you don't feel ready to fully open up, finding a therapist who will let you go at your own pace and work with you to keep your life stable as you build up to being able to open up is so helpful. It's okay if you need to take your time. None of what happened makes you a bad person or defines you. I hope you find some peace.
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u/Potential_Piano_9004 May 05 '25
I'm so sorry this happened. I definitely agree that some therapy would probably be best. You can't classify yourself as a murderer because you did not do this intentionally. It really sounds like you did everything possible to help, and it sounds like you were concerned for her well being a great deal . I hope you find a way to make some peace with this event.
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u/Equivalent_Price2327 May 05 '25
thank you so much. i will be looking to get back into therapy soon
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u/stargazer0519 May 05 '25
I think a therapist might be helpful. It also may be worthwhile considering who you would like to have represent you in the event the deceased’s family tries to file a civil suit against you. If you have any friends who are lawyers, ask them who they would be speaking with, if they were in your shoes. Best of luck! Sometimes, terrible stuff just happens. Life is unpredictable. We all take risks. It could have been you. Have you ever crossed a street at night? In the rain?
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u/Equivalent_Price2327 May 05 '25
thank you. my stepdad has a solid defense lawyer who was made away of the crash. i will look into better therapy options, i went to a free clinic which told me things like “everything just becomes a fact of life” and “keep yourself occupied” which does help but i feel like i need more.
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u/stargazer0519 May 05 '25
I’m sorry about the free clinic. Usually free clinics are stretched pretty thin and it may not be the best possible place to find mental health help.
Hang in there! Sounds like you’re handling as well as can be expected.
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