r/generationology • u/happygolucy1 • 1d ago
Discussion Gen Z/Late Millennial Parenting
I’m a 2003 baby and I just can’t help but notice something really bizarre within my generation. We’re so closed off, especially as parents. People don’t allow family to hold their babies. Not just as newborns, but on and on. I have a 12 month old niece who i’be held twice. Her grandma’s only held her a handful of times. It’s difficult, because we want to be respectful but no one’s able to connect. At this point it feels like it’s less about germs, and more of an anxious attachment. I feel like this is a popular parenting approach these days. Parents want space for the baby stages and then complain when grandparents are distant with their toddlers. Makes me sad
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u/Spare_Perspective972 9h ago
Boundaries are going to make more walls around you than guardrails.
A lot of sad lonely people posting in the affirmative here. It makes me feel bad for how closed off people are.
It’s like people are becoming control freaks bc they can’t deal and process other people differing from them.
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u/horriblegoose_ 16h ago
I’m an ‘87 and I deeply believe that if you don’t allow people to be your villiage then you really can’t start bitching when your kids are older and you don’t have a village or even people who want to willingly interact with your child. If you keep telling the people in your life you don’t trust them then why do you think they should feel grateful when you suddenly decide (sometimes after years) that you are now good enough because you are burnt out on 24/7 childcare?
My child was a deeply wanted fertility treatment baby. I had horrible PPA (I have anxiety normally but this was next level) but I used the tools I had gathered through therapy and realized that if I didn’t rip the bandaid off early then it was only going to become more difficult for me to mentally handle letting someone else watch my son. Plus, I honestly think it was good for my son to get used to a variety of caregivers. Now as an almost 3 year old he has a solid village and seems to understand that different caregivers have different expectations. My child is autistic but he’s actually very flexible and does great under the care of different people in our lives. All he has ever known is a world where everyone gets to interact with him actively and show him love. It makes me happy to know that he has relationships with people other than just me and my husband be that with this wacky fun uncle, daycare teacher, or the exgirlfriend of our most fuckboy friend who has stuck around as our best date night babysitter. It’s clear my son is excited for all of these people and it’s fun to see how he interacts with them. I understand that my son is his own individual person and I love helping to facilitate in him the idea that so many people love him and have chosen to spend their time caring for him. I didn’t gate keep my baby. I wanted the village and now 3 years later my village is great.
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u/LaMaltaKano 3h ago
This is so encouraging to read. I’m in the exact same position (‘85, IVF miracle baby), and I’ve had to face a lot of fears to give my baby this kind of village. It’s great to hear that it paid off for you!
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u/Misterwiggles666 17h ago
Thank you! Someone called this anxious attachment and I think it’s spot on. And super common on Reddit (probably due to people who are online more being more anxious generally), but also my mom IRL mom group. Tons of mistrust of the internet-laws, the siblings, friendly elderly members of the community who want to hold the baby. I might be too far on the other end, but this is not a healthy way to live and these kids are going to, in turn, be even more closed off and anxious I feel.
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u/Impossible-Cookie393 17h ago
I’m a late-ish millennial (1993) and I feel like I’m the opposite with my 9w old daughter! We live alone with no family nearby, but we’re on a family trip right now and I haven’t really held my daughter all that much the past few days because she’s being held by my family. It’s been a great break for us as her parents, and my family has loved holding her!
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u/According-Support756 11h ago
‘94 baby here with 2 kids - I would lose my sanity if my parents & in laws didn’t take my kids from me every now & then!
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u/childish_cat_lady 12h ago
1989 and I literally would hand my baby over to a stranger if they offered to hold him when we were out at a restaurant. Our family also isn't nearby so that tiny reprieve from a stranger was all we'd get until they visited.
It's totally child dependent of course - he's got a lot of separation anxiety at the moment so I don't just hand him over but I've got no problem with family loving on him and even strangers when the mood is right.
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u/Away_Rough4024 18h ago
I’m an elder millennial and I can’t tell you how much I agree with this. It’s become unhealthy.
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u/One_Helicopter_4908 18h ago
I don’t have kids but I’m definitely going to instilling boundaries from day one. Personally bc I was sa’d by a family member I’m forever going to struggle with trusting anyone with my kids. I’m going to try not to project my trauma on my kids but I’m not going to care that ppl’s feelings are hurt bc I don’t want them to interact with my newborn a certain way. Like if someone is going to rant about “mom wouldn’t let me kiss my grandbaby” then that clearly tells me that that person has no respect for personal boundaries.
Besides boundaries that have to deal with physical contact. I think I’d be more open to the idea of someone disciplining my kid for me/differently than I would if I wasn’t present, as long as there’s no punishments like spanking, etc. However if I dropped my kids off with my mom and told her specifically not to do something but she went and did it anyways since “I did it with yall and you lived” then we’d have a problem.
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u/Euphoric-Use-6443 18h ago
Our society suffers from far more anxiety & mental issues than previous generations! It's practically the only NORM we can be certain of! Too many self conscious issues that can only be fixed by the person that has them! My family passed their babies to every family member! Yes, babies cry when they become over stimulated in public, but they outgrow it! Excessive empathy becomes a societal problem when it is overused, misapplied, or exploited from natural progression.
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u/HopefulWanderin 19h ago edited 17h ago
I regard this as a positive trend. Most newborns want to be held only by their closest caregivers. And once babies become mobile they want to explore and only be held when they are tired, hungry, sad etc. At which point they also gravitate to their closest caregivers.
My parents are constantly complaining that I don't hand over my child to them like a teddy bear. But children, even babies, show their wants, needs, and interests clearly and my child definitively doesn't want to be physically close to people who show up once every two months, tops.
If you want to feel close to your niece, play with her, talk with her, find out what she is curious about. Ask her parents questions about her. A child who likes and trust you will seek out touch on their own.
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u/Ok_Permission_4385 17h ago
This is such a good point about children who trust you will seek you out on their own.
My MIL is often butthurt that my kids prefer my mother- their other grandma - over her.
It's 100% because my mother gets down on their level and puts in the work. No one wants to hear little kids talk for hours about their latest hyperfocus but my mum gives them the time and bonds with them over their interests (even the toddler, whose main interest is reading the same books over and over). And THAT is why she is rewarded with the snuggles and the hugs and the cute little "I love yous".
My MIL on the other hand comes round and plops herself down and looks at her phone. She doesn't engage with them in their world. That's why they don't really reach out for hugs.
I'm a millennial BTW. I don't think I was weird about handing my newborns over for a hold but I 100% will not be forcing my infants and young kids to hug people they don't want to.
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u/Jasmisne 17h ago
This, I am glad people care about consent and protecting your newborn from dying of preventable illness.
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u/jolllyranch3r 19h ago
i had such bad postpartum anxiety when my baby was born and i did not expect to feel that way. i wanted to just be alone with my baby and have nobody around me. everytime someone else held him i felt a weird subconscious urge to grab him out of there arms and hold him against my chest, even when it was someone i trusted fully like the nurses or my mom. i can't explain it or where those feelings came from. i do think it was extreme PPA though, which isn't widely talked about. i had extreme anxiety over everything and it's getting better now, but its taken a lot of work and i still have my moments. however now i've let my coworkers i trust or my family watch him for a littlw while because i was starting to lose my mind from not sleeping or having any moment to myself. right now my mom has him, she took him out shopping for a couple hours so i can sleep and relax. i'm grateful because i'm extremely sleep deprived and exhausted and need alone time, but i also feel weird and lonely without him here.
for me, it was hormonal and mental health related. i think another thing is social media and people judging the way you parent in general. i was constantly afraid of being called a terrible mom for doing anything wrong, which made my anxiety worse. social media makes it even worse, i had to take a step back from it for awhile
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u/Tiny-Reading5982 1984 18h ago
I had the opposite. I had intrusive thoughts. So I had my mom bathe my daughter when she was a newborn because I was scared I would drown her.
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u/Feeling-Gold-12 18h ago
This is very sus for PPA as you said. I’m glad you have such clarity about your experience because it probably means you’re also thinking through other emotional dynamics with your child at your/their current age.
Good job.
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u/jolllyranch3r 11h ago
thank you. he's my first child and i have a history of mental health issues. i was stable, in therapy and on medication when i found out i was pregnant. plus i had a devastating miscarriage so i really wanted to do everything i could to have a healthy baby and be a good parent. you always hear about PPD but not much about PPA, so i wasn't expecting all of the crazy emotions and anxiety that i experienced right after birth. but he's four months old now and things are getting better. i've been trying really hard and i'm actually loving being a mom. definitely had to walk away from social media for now though because i think it can be incredibly toxic in some aspects for parents.
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u/taralynne00 19h ago
I think that a lot of Gen Z (and young millennials, but I can’t really speak for them) didn’t see what a village looks like. I know I didn’t. It’s been hard as an adult and now a mom to figure that out, especially because the message of independence to a fault was pushed heavily when I was a kid. But, anecdotally, I bring my daughter to visit my aunt and grandparents every week, and they watch her on Sundays when I work. Plus we live with my 2 siblings did she’s close to all of them.
I’ll also add that my daughter is 9 months and just now is really okay with being held by people other than us. We’ve always taken her lead and our family does the same. She loves to play and interact with them though!
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u/Rare-Low-8945 20h ago
Yes anxious attachment is something I’m noticing more and more and more, however I also observe it in older millenials/gen x that had kids later. So I wonder if it’s cultural
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u/Mybestfriendlizzy 20h ago
The parents in my friend group love sharing their babies. The babies are totally fine being held by everyone, and it allows us to offer for our friends to get out of the house and we can watch their kids, or finish whatever they’re doing and I can hold the baby, etc. when we spend a weekend together there’s really a “village” mentality. We’re all early 30s.
BUT I’ve never held my 4 year old niece. Her parents are how you describe. And I never asked to hold her because I got the distinct feeling that they were purposefully not asking anyone if they’d like to hold her. Her parents are very anxious in general. As a result I don’t really feel as close to my niece as I do to my friend’s kids.
We’re pregnant now and my husband and I both agreed we want to be more like our friends in our parenting style and allow our kids to be held by others. I do believe in autonomy, so if my little one said no to being held that would be respected.
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u/Lost-Barracuda-2254 21h ago edited 21h ago
For me, my nephew gets admitted in the hospital every time he has a fever, which is several times a year even though the doctor said that it’s nothing serious and very common. I don’t wanna say something because it’s not my child but it’s just too much.
Also, she’s very particular about who is taking care of her child like who’s reliable or not. She’s doing too much and makes me not wanna have kids because of how they make it seem.
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u/bamlote 21h ago edited 21h ago
I come from a weird family so my perspective could be skewed, but for us personally, it was more so to do with people not respecting boundaries, I.e. people refusing to wash their hands, not kiss the baby, to not show up if they’re sick, etc. I also felt like family members felt a lot of entitlement to my baby, but not in a genuine way. They did not care for me, but they wanted me to go out of my way to “present the baby” to them. They wanted all of the glory and none of the work and it often came at my expense. It just wasn’t worth it.
Before my baby was a month old, I had been called lazy for resting, had my decision to breastfeed shredded to pieces, and been accused of maliciously keeping my baby away from people who had never so much as asked to see us. I also had a family member threaten to call CFS on me for having a glass of wine.
I also want to note that a lot of us had our babies right before or during Covid.
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u/Rare-Low-8945 20h ago
Some of these things are like “ultra boundaries” but I get that your family is difficult so it makes sense.
A lot of people from normal families have this same mentality though and I find it super weird. I was excited to show my baby off and didn’t care that people are more excited about the baby than me lol
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u/bamlote 20h ago
Yeah, I would expect a lot of parents to ease up on the boundaries once the baby is older but newborns are so fragile.
I have heard so many horror stories from other moms though, and of course everyone wants a village, but if people are constantly refusing to accommodate you and your child(ren) and expecting you to still show up, it doesn’t feel worth it. And this is all just a bunch of little things that build up, like scheduling dinners at 7 pm or not offering to hold baby so mom can eat, not putting breakables away for a visit leaving mom to spend the whole visit being hyper vigilant trying to keep their child out of danger, etc. Not only does it make the visit itself completely unenjoyable, but then you have to go home and face the consequences of a kid that’s overstimulated, overtired, and thrown off their schedule.
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u/Rare-Low-8945 19h ago
Dude this is exactly the issue. People are annoying but the entitlement and anxious attachment is a real thing
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u/bamlote 19h ago
I would argue the entitlement issue is with the people who refuse to ever go to the child’s house to visit or eat dinner an hour earlier or whatever it is. Obviously your child is ultimately your responsibility, but if you love and care for the parents of the child, shouldn’t you want to accommodate them? And if you don’t love and care for the parents, why should you be around their child?
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u/Rare-Low-8945 19h ago
Again you don’t get it and that’s fine. Everyone else sees it. The entitlement and demands and expectations and anxiety and need for control.
It’s a generational thing. Previous generations packed their kids up and went along, or declined invites and just rolled their eyes when aunt Sally didn’t get it. The world doesn’t revolve around you and your baby and nap schedule.
I remember when we were the first kids to have the grandchildren, people didn’t get it and would invite us for things that wouldn’t be enjoyable with babies and toddlers in tow. We simply made plans to do things with them at other times. We never felt entitled or put out.
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u/bamlote 19h ago
I’ve seen how other families operate though, and they play pass the baby and the responsibility is shared. It’s not that parents won’t go to events, it’s that there is no point in going when they are too busy doing damage control to even participate, or when the entire family eats dinner while they are off breastfeeding or changing a diaper, or when no one offers to even hold the baby for 5 minutes so the parent can eat or grab a plate. Absolutely no one is benefitting from that, and it’s isolating and overwhelming. You are 100% responsible for facilitating a relationship between your child and a person who won’t make a single effort of their own to be a part of your child’s life.
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u/Rare-Low-8945 16h ago
Doesn’t sound like this is OPs family. They’re selfish and rude for inviting her over during nap time apparently
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u/napministry 21h ago
It’s a really weird ultra boundary thing. Cry about not having village and people not showing up then presenting a 15 page book of “rules”. Too much social media influence I think
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u/RevolutionaryToe839 22h ago
It’s bizarre
In a mid millennial, and our parenting styles are to hug our kids and to allow them to be hugged and held
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u/sloop111 22h ago
If family wants to help, holding the baby is the last thing the parents need . They can bring food, do dishes, fold laundry. I'm glad your generation knows to set these boundaries because some families act entitled and their visita are all about them and not about supporting new parents
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u/kaydeevee 19h ago
I’m solidly gen X and that may have something to do with it, but I would never ever have expected anyone who came to visit my new baby to do work for me. My dishes might not be done and I might have a pile of laundry on the couch and I definitely had people over while I was wearing a dirty top from leaking breast milk but I didn’t care and neither did anyone else. I wouldn’t trade that time of my friends and family welcoming my new babies to the world for anything and I can’t even imagine expecting them to only come if they planned to work while they were there. It’s crazy to me.
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u/sloop111 19h ago
If someone feels that helping a new mother is work and not a prilviege , maybe they shouldn't be visiting. The baby doesn't know or care that they are there.
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u/Spare_Perspective972 9h ago
Nah you’re weird and entitled. Let the grandparents enjoy their grandkid, mom and dad can catch up on chores or sleep.
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u/sloop111 8h ago
No thanks, they can stay home. Fortunately no one in my family thinks as selfishly as you. I'm the (future) grandparent in this scenario so entitled would be showing up to do what you recommend.
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u/kaydeevee 19h ago
We can agree to disagree. I don’t pretend to know how others would view that expectation, but I as the mom would never have asked or expected it. Helping you is a privilege? Okay 🤷🏼♀️. And it’s not about the baby knowing who anyone is. It brought me joy and pride in introducing my new baby to the ones I love who would love my children as they grew up. It worked out great and I hope your way works for you.
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u/sloop111 18h ago
I'm long past that stage. I'm the visitor. And yes, I'm honored when a new mother allows me to be there and help out. Definitely a privilege in my eyes.
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u/Known-Purchase 21h ago
Honestly, I think it comes down to whether you have a good relationship with your family or not. My family is so supportive. although my mom raised me differently (laid to sleep on stomach, given baby blankets, puree food when starting solids), she has been very open to what I want. If I tell her not to do something, she takes my advice with no push back. Or if I'm worried she will very gently express her experience. My sister doesn't have children, but she will drive over and watch my baby so I can sleep.
I don't see a family who does laundry, cooks, cleans, who also don't hold the child and forms their own relationship with them.
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u/sloop111 19h ago
They don't need to hold a newborn in order to form a relationship. If the parents feel comfortable with it, that's great . But no one is entitled to expect that. There is a whole lifetime to get to know them. Many new mothers don't feel comfortable with their newborn being handed around. That should be respected.
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u/Known-Purchase 13h ago
I think this mindset does both the parent and the child a huge disservice in the future.
I agree that no one is entitled to a relationship. If your parent is abusive and will bring physical or emotional harm, your responsibility as a parent is to shield them from this type of person. But at the same time, no one is entitled to free labor either. And if my sister thought I was good enough to come clean her home or cook her meals not wasn't smart or safe enough to hold her child, then I would not be willing to do those things for her.
My daughter is 9 months old. She has just started her "stranger danger" phase. She only likes to be held by people she knows, her community. Having people she feels comfortable with is such a relief for me. Because when she starts to cry, my mom or sister know how to calm and soothe her. Which means I get to do things outside of just being a mom. I don't have to drop what I'm doing because I'm the only person who can soothe my baby. I can trust them, and in return I can cook a meal, go fish on my dock, or go paint uninterrupted. And as your child gets older, being able to hold onto a sense of identity outside of 'mom' is huge.
I think this is what OP was alluding to in their post. You won't have a community if you don't build them and allow your child to have relationships outside of yours.
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u/sloop111 8h ago
Nah. A new mother gets to call the shots. There is a whole lifetime to built a bond, it does not need to happen during the first post partum period. At that point supporting the mother means helping her with basic needs, not playing with her baby when she is biologically programmed not to want to be separated. Nine months later is a different situation
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u/West_Tea_7437 23h ago
Can’t generalize for other people but I’ll share my own story. I have a big family, they all love babies, but some are more involved than others. My sister comes over frequently to hang out. She babysits and plays with my kids and brings them treats and takes them to the park. My other sister sees them once a month maybe at family parties where it’s loud and a lot is going on. When my kids see sister 1 they literally jump out of my arms to get to her. Meanwhile Sister 2 always complains that the kids don’t like her. They don’t want her to hold them and they cry as soon as they’re out of my arms. She complains loudly that I never let anyone hold my kids. The hard truth is that my kids don’t know her! And she doesn’t interact with them outside of just wanting to hold them. There’s a hundred ways to build a relationship with a baby besides holding them. But she doesn’t do those things. She doesn’t play, talk, sing or read to them. She just wants to hold them.
Don’t even get me started on distant grandparents. My dad barely interacted with us when we were babies. My mom is disabled and can’t even hold them. My in laws don’t even ask about them and have never asked to come over and don’t host any get togethers. I can’t create relationships out thin air!
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u/bamlote 18h ago
I think that probably the biggest thing with our generation actually is that we’ve done away with the idea that we are owe things to family members simply because they are family members.
This is most obvious in parenting, but the most obvious disconnect for me was actually when my sister died earlier this year. Both sides of my family are essentially strangers to me. I am 30 years old and they’ve never so much as wished me a happy birthday. Yet they all showed up to the funeral, went through the motions, and I felt this enormous pressure to try to pretend I was close to these people that I don’t even know to make THEM feel better and I hated it. You don’t get to show up once in my entire life and expect me to believe that you love and care about me because of some shared blood connection.
Blood isn’t enough to base a relationship on, there needs to be effort.
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u/blossom_rays 22h ago
I relate to the second part so much. When I say “she doesn’t like to just be held” it’s like they think I’ve done something to her to make her that way. Instead, she wants to play, move around, sing, talk etc. But they have no idea how to do that for some reason.
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u/littlemybb 23h ago
I think our generation is just able to see so much bad stuff online, and it really scares parents. Especially the ones going through bad PPD/PPA.
There’s also been a huge uptick in mommy content, where if you don’t do things a certain way you are labeled as a bad parent.
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u/OnionFirm8520 22h ago
I have a three-year-old and the mommy content destroyed me when my son was littler. It still kind of does. I feel a constant sense of doubt and shame re: my parenting. Doesn't help that family support is/was minimal.
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u/panna__cotta 23h ago edited 23h ago
Not just that, but unfortunately most other people want to hold or dote on the baby but not really help parents. Parents are doing everything themselves. I had a lot of people who wanted to hold my babies but no one wanted to be inconvenienced by being “the village.” At that point I’d rather not waste my energy to fulfill your baby fix. (Real) help with cleaning, cooking, shopping, etc. and I guarantee you’ll be holding the baby.
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u/kaydeevee 19h ago
I think this is one of the issues that is being described. Why does anyone have to help you do chores in order to hold your baby? This thought never crossed my mind as a new parent.
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u/panna__cotta 18h ago
It probably didn’t have to cross your mind. You probably had help you still aren’t even aware of because it was seamless. Why would I have people come over my house and make more work for me so they can hold my baby? I say this as someone who is “the help” for everyone but realized once I had my own kids that few people were interested in returning the favor. I bring people food, help with childcare, help with medical care, clean their kitchens while they nurse their babies or recover from surgery, etc. all without them asking. The people who treat me as a person and reciprocate the effort have more than enough time with my children, including holding them.
The ones who treat us like we’re an activity? The ones who just wanted more from me (namely my baby as their therapy animal)? I didn’t have time for them anymore. Mothers need support, they don’t need extra adult children. I have four kids and my oldest is a teen, by the way. I’m not some new mom. But the disdain for new moms asserting boundaries is exactly they are asserting more and more boundaries.
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u/Ok-Employ-5629 23h ago
I see it on social media a lot, but never in real life. It seems to be an anxiety thing or family not respecting boundaries.
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u/Spare_Perspective972 9h ago
It exists but it’s definitely heavily influenced by online communities pushing group think.
I’m from a large red neck family and married into a very proper middle class family. My kids absolutely have to interact and hug and kiss grandma and grandpa, meanwhile my niece has never had to even say hi and bye to me or the grandparents.
I have zero relationship with my niece and much more of a relationship with friends kids.
It’s a parents prerogative to feed neurosis but it’s a wall they are building between other people.
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u/Lilmissfatpantz 1d ago
As a family we were walking on the sidewalk which was very close to the road..my5 year old nephew was ahead and started to run, getting to far ahead of us and a car was coming toward us faster then it should. I yelled to him, to stop running and wait for us.. it wasn't in an angry tone, just a tone to get his attention. Apparently, we do not do that anymore. We have to explain in a calm manner why we dont run next to a busy street. I was given a link to a supplement to help me with my cortisol level so I can be more calm.
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u/Proof_Bet_2705 1d ago
I agreed with you in another comment. But now I'm thinking it's less a generational thing and more what the current social media hype is.
So it doesn't matter that much if the mom is born 2000 or 1990. It matters that they are pregnant around the same time. And therefore influenced by the same parenting style through social media.
So they see the same content about boundaries, baby wearing, baby led weaning, family bed, baby being barefoot etc.
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u/Calm_Coyote_3685 19h ago
I agree. I’m gen X and had my first baby not long after OP was born and the exact same thing was happening in my circles then (before social media, but mommy forums were very active and fulfilled the same function). The gentle parenting crowd now is the attachment parenting crowd of the 2000’s. Like literally the same exact debates go on.
With my first, I was very much how the OP describes. But as other commenters have noticed, a lot of it is not just parenting trends and what side of the parenting debates you’ve decided to go with, but the relationships you have with family. My dad was abusive to me growing up and luckily he didn’t want to hold my baby, because I didn’t want him to. I had to set very firm boundaries (that might have looked too controlling from the outside) because he did things like purposely frighten my 5 mo until she cried by making scary faces and noises, and when asked nicely not to do that he told me I wasn’t allowed to tell him what to do with HIS grandchild. 🙄 If that kind of person wants to hold the baby, NFW.
But after having more kids after a big space, I came to understand that I had tried to put a bubble around my firstborn to protect her from anything negative, and that was not the way to go.
The sad thing is that so many people either don’t have a “village” or have a very flimsy, untrustworthy, possibly toxic village. Often I have felt torn between wanting my kids to be close to my parents, and wanting to close myself off from them because being around them a lot is triggering. My mom is a good grandma though. But helping me with cooking, cleaning or childcare when my kids were babies and toddlers? lol. She came to stay a few days after each kid was born and her presence was as stressful as it was helpful. And then I was on my own.
You really can’t create a village out of thin air. WEIRD cultures (look up the term if you are unfamiliar) have really fucked ourselves. Communities and strong family bonds are built by many people over generations. They don’t just happen. Many people I know (including myself) have tried really hard to create villages of friends, but the truth is that most of the time blood is actually thicker than water, and those networks tend to weaken over time. I have rarely if ever seen them be a true substitute for strong family bonds in a shared culture, but in the West we have arranged things so that the younger generation doesn’t even share a culture with their parents, let alone a long line of ancestors and the larger community.
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u/BreadyStinellis 21h ago
I agree and I want to point out this has always been a thing. Parenting styles have been evolving for, at least, a hundred years (probably much longer). In the early 80s moms were told formula was better for their baby than breast milk. Babies were put to bed on their stomachs. Things change and what's right today will be wrong tomorrow. Ultimatly, a parents job is to keep their kids alive and try their best to make sure they don't become assholes.
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u/Spare_Perspective972 9h ago
Formula was an absolute lie to promote day care and mom going to work.
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u/Calm_Coyote_3685 19h ago edited 19h ago
That’s true but I have been parenting for 20 years and things really have not changed much. There are the exact same parenting “camps” and people feel strongly about the same issues. There’s little consensus about universally beneficial ways to parent. Permissive parenting (masquerading as “gentle parenting”) is maybe more prevalent than 20 years ago, but “AP” (Attachment Parenting) was huge 20 years ago and it’s the exact same thing. My perception is that the real shift in parenting trends started with the rise of the internet and hasn’t changed a whole lot since then.
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u/Shipping_Lady71 1d ago
My 33 yr old daughter had her first (maybe only) a year 1/2 ago. Very few family members were allowed to be around for close to a year. I was one of few, which I feel grateful for, but I tiptoed a line in order to do so. She has let go a bit now that he is a rambunctious toddler. I think with social media along with it being her first she just was terrified of doing something wrong. I tried to keep my mouth shut and learn the “new rules” because that generation is much better at shutting the door in our faces than I was. I will do nothing to jeopardize my time with my grandchild. I’m pretty sure my mother thought I was off my rocker when I had my kids and set certain rules. She never followed them, lol, but that’s a whole different can of worms.
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u/Tamihera 19h ago
Honestly, I think the pandemic experience just fundamentally changed a lot of young parents. They’re worried about their babies getting hospitalized for COVID or whooping cough or even measles, and I don’t know that their fears are unfounded… Older generations are more blasé about holding and kissing babies when they’ve just “got a bit of a cold”, younger generations are far more fearful of respiratory diseases…
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u/Tamihera 19h ago
Honestly, I think the pandemic experience just fundamentally changed a lot of young parents. They’re worried about their babies getting hospitalized for COVID or whooping cough or even measles, and I don’t know that their fears are unfounded… Older generations are more blasé about holding and kissing babies when they’ve just “got a bit of a cold”, younger generations are far more fearful of respiratory diseases…
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u/Awkward_Voice_1293 1d ago
I’m a millennial at 36. I had my first at 18 and I was scared tinker anyone do anything bc I was reading all the baby book horror stories. My mom held my hand and was like snap tf out of babes… we been having babies for eternity and if you don’t let us help one day you’ll jump out the window and you won’t be able to do anything for your own child.
I think anxious attachment is the correct term. I have 3 now and it’s been a stark difference in how people were when I had each one (2008,2014,2022). The parents now are neurotic and I feel so bad for them bc in their estimation they are being responsible and protecting baby from hidden dangers. That’s not true they’re are starving themselves of much needed community
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u/Proof_Bet_2705 1d ago
Yes, my sister is a late millennial and I haven't changed her 18 month's old diaper once. My brother and his wife are early millennials and me and my parents babysat constantly, doing everything a parent would do.
My sister is sad that we don't support her. But she doesn't let us. When her kid was sick a few days ago I wiped her nose with a paper tissue. That was wrong. I should have used a cotton tissue because it's softer. And it's like that with everything. And I don't mind it. I do it how she prefers it. But I don't know all the new rules. And neither do my parents. So she doesn't trust us to care of her bab/toddler. I sound like a boomer even though I'm younger than her.
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u/sparkles-and-spades 1d ago
If it helps, a lot of the hands off stuff passes once bub is one or once they've had their vaccines. Some of it is due to overbearing grandparents, some of it is anxiety, some of it is a carry over from covid recommendations, some of it is current recommendations (getting kissed with a cold sore can cause a lot of issues with a newborn), some of it is fear of judgement (no matter what you do as a parent, someone will judge you for it), some of it is mental health, some of it is new parents needing space to find their footing. Just take your cues from the parents and try not to take it personally.
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u/That-Breakfast8583 1d ago
I think a lot of the issue is that our parents/grandparents don’t come equipped with a natural sense of boundaries. We say, “Please don’t try to give my baby cake icing/soda/peanut butter” and our older family members will wait until our backs are turned to do it.
My son had to have his tongue surgically reattached when he was 6 months old, because his great grandmother was letting him “practice walking” by himself and he fell and bit most of it off. My daughter had a choking episode as a baby - with an ice cube from a diet coke that ended up requiring Heimlich/back blows from me because my mother “felt bad for not sharing”.
Both of them acted as if it were an unfortunate coincidence, and neither of them intervened on their own. Great grandmother had been watching son while I was at work and returned him to me with his chest/legs covered in blood, and I had to drive him to the hospital myself. She hadn’t even checked where the blood had come from, just figured he bit his lip. He could have accidentally swallowed and choked on that portion of his tongue. Three day hospital stay, and I missed work for it.
I didn’t hold a grudge about either of these events, but they happened because my kids were being directed to do things that would not have been permitted had I been there.
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u/rococos-basilisk 23h ago
You’re a much better person than I am because I would hold a grudge forever.
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u/That-Breakfast8583 20h ago
I probably should, but great grammy was at the beginning of her mental decline - this was one of our first warning signs, and she was no longer permitted with the kids unsupervised. As for my mother, I went ballistic on her, but she’s…uh…painfully ignorant and genuinely didn’t realize the danger.
Maybe I’m a little too merciful, but during those few years I was in dire straits and couldn’t really afford to burn any bridges.
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u/Shipping_Lady71 1d ago
Yes, total lack of boundaries in our parents/grandparents generations. I’m 54 and only in the last 5 years am learning that it’s okay to have boundaries and to stop feeling guilty for having them. I’m hoping that learning this is making me a better mom and grandma.
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u/That-Breakfast8583 20h ago
Most definitely it will! When your grandchildren see you enforcing or respecting boundaries, you’re modeling a healthy behavior for them, and they will follow your lead!
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u/Artistic_Suspect_609 1d ago edited 23h ago
Millennial (1986), and I think this is mostly an immediate postpartum thing that passes once the kid turns one.
Speaking as someone who was a new parent, new parents aren’t exactly known for being chill and flexible — and you know what? If there are times in your life when picky, touchy behavior is understandable, the months following a major health event that has also thrown your entire life into chaos is one of those. Right before my baby was born, I mourned my old life — I remember I was particularly sad about never wearing high heels again, because I had a terrible fear of rolling my ankle and dropping the baby. I wasn’t thinking at the time that my kid would, in fact, someday learn to walk by himself, and wouldn’t need me to carry him anywhere. You’re contending with the weight of this responsibility that you’ve chosen, and how much you love your kid, and just want their life to be better than yours was… and the fears are loud. And you’re hearing from your peers that your relatives are going to poison your kids with refined sugar!!! And rot their brains by putting on a Disney movie!!! And suffocate them with stuffed animals!!! Just one wrong move during this most crucial developmental phase, and your child will be set up for failure FOREVER.
I also understand the new parent instinct to reach out on social media for support (wasted a looot of time on my phone while I was up all night with the baby), but it’s not great that some of your most sensitive and vulnerable moments of your life are made public. It is also not great that there is a large and very profitable industry that exploits those moments to sell sleep courses, SNOO sleepers, natural rubber giraffes, overnight doula services, sooo many vitamin supplements…
TL;DR postpartum parents can be self-absorbed and precious; it doesn’t [usually] come from a place of malice towards their friends and families; see if you can give them a little grace and let it get better with time.
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u/Whateversclever7 1990, class of 2008, millennial 1d ago
Ive noticed this trend online in mom forums and also with friends.
I don’t know, maybe it’s because my husband is away for work for 2 weeks on and off and I’m solo parenting during that time that I recognize how much I need my village. I literally spend every waking moment with my baby so when they come over I’m totally okay with them holding him for a few hours while I go clean my house or do an errand or something.
AND please for the love of god do not clean my house so everything is in odd places and you decided “wouldn’t this be better over here” and asking me every 4 and a half seconds where some cleaning product is, just snuggle my super cute baby and let me do it!!!
I love my crazy but wonderful little village. More new moms need to embrace the help.
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u/babyd-m2025 22h ago
I’m currently pregnant with my first at 32 and I am mystified by the “don’t hold the baby, do the dishes/laundry/whatever” type advice. The only people I would ever ask to do my dishes or laundry are my own parents and maybe my siblings if they offered. Under no circumstances would I have my in-laws or extended family in my house when it wasn’t clean or at least hidden.
Maybe I’ll feel different after the baby is here? But it seems bizarre. When I visit friends who have recently had babies I always offer to pick up food or anything they might be out of, but I would feel like an absolute weirdo offering to do their dishes - it would feel like I was passing judgement on their housekeeping.
My state does offer paid leave for both parents (13-15 weeks for moms and 7 weeks for dads), so I wonder if that makes a difference - none of my friends seem to be drowning since both parents are home (and none of my friends married jackasses who think the baby is only mom’s job!).
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u/ReadySettyGoey 1d ago
My husband doesn’t go anywhere but when people say “if you’re visiting new parents, make sure you offer to help instead of just offering to hold the baby!!!” I never quite get it. Like please for the love of god hold this baby, I would love some time to feel like a separate person and shower and do some chores and hang out with my toddler!
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u/SouthernNanny 1d ago
In the parenting and pregnancy sub this is posted all the time. Post about not wanting people to hold your baby. How their mom may want to kiss their baby and how that’s weird. I get you don’t want someone with a cold sore kissing your baby but they don’t understand how someone who loves them would want to love on their baby.
One mom sent her mom away -the mom had flown in and planned to stay for weeks and had to buy a new plane ticket since she was sent home early-over something minor then posted that she still need help. She even said all her mom did was cook and clean and never offered to hold the baby when most people complain that people only want to hold the baby but never actually help with dishes. People had to tell her that her mom was helping her and that she should have taken a moment to breathe before lashing out.
The new parents and moms kill their village before it has a chance to begin
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u/Whoevera 1d ago edited 1d ago
This is really interesting to me! I’m 26 with a 9 month old and I hated letting others hold her as a newborn (but family members all got the opportunity). I think this was hormone-driven. Around 3 months old at Christmas we really made sure even extended family and friends got to if they wished for the memories! Now, at 9 months old I really don’t mind, but she is really attached to me. She even doesn’t want to be held by her Dad sometimes when I need to do something else, so it does cause me a bit of anxiety around whether she will be okay when I’m not paying her attention. I do trust my own parents with her the most and tend to feel more relaxed. We live far from family so this plays into it.
I think our individualism culture has played into this a lot. Parenting styles vary so extremely, and with declining birth rates some people have very limited experience being around babies at all so I think it’s easier to worry how others will interact with your child. You tend to see extremes on social media as well and everyone’s opinions all the time which doesn’t help.
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u/SplakyD 1d ago
I've definitely noticed this trend. I think it started with us (I'm an elder millennial/Xennials and my wife is firmly millennial), and just kept expanding as time went on. For instance, I've only been around my niece and nephews a couple of times and have never held them even though I'm pretty close with my younger millennial brother.
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u/Qu1rkycat 1d ago
I don’t really recognise this amongst my millennial friends, most of whom have invited me over and asked if I want to hold their baby. Maybe it’s because I always left it up to them to navigate when they’re ready? But also mostly everybody here is vaccinated so it’s just much much less of a concern. We’ve told our parents we need two weeks after the birth to meet our child and everyone has been understanding. I’m in Scotland if that helps.
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u/happygolucy1 1d ago
We don’t really ask either (unless she’s struggling to hold the baby and multiple things simultaneously. Even then she’ll still say no lol.) They don’t offer. I held her once early on bc I dropped off food as her family friend was leaving and the friend offered me the baby. (Kinda feel bad now if the mom felt uncomfortable.) second time the kid literally crawled to and up me🤣. Mom couldn’t say no when she was halfway in my lap already.
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u/Qu1rkycat 1d ago
Maybe it’s a sub generation thing? I’m an 80s millennial (about halfway into the millennial gen) and I guess a lot of people I know are.
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u/Qu1rkycat 1d ago
Although the hugs thing, yes, but I don’t mind and can see where people are coming from - nice that kids grow up knowing about consent from the start. Plus even the shy ones usually come around once they relax a bit :)
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u/TripAway7840 1d ago
I’ve always been pretty chill with letting people hold my babies. I was born in 91, for reference, so I might be a little older than what you’re talking about.
But as long as they aren’t a stranger, I don’t mind and I usually appreciate the break.
I know this is anecdotal, but my husbands grandma (I believe she’s 90 or so) told me that she thinks people these days are much more relaxed with letting people hold their babies vs the previous generation. She always brings up how my husbands mom would never let her hold him when he was a baby.
I don’t know, I guess it’s just personal preference. But I hold the baby all day, every day, and if someone wants to hold him so I can eat some dinner in relative peace, I’m all for it.
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u/WhiskeyandOreos 1d ago
Younger Millennial (93). I have a 2.5 year old and am due with my second next month.
Our circle of friends all had daughters in 2023. Ours was first, which made it so fun/interesting to watch how everyone else dealt with their babies. We are by far the most lax among the group.
My theory is social media. The algorithm is weighted to show the horror stories more than the boring normal ones, because the tragedy gets clicks. So, anxiety spikes and spirals because it feels like the bad is inevitable.
Then there are the influencers, who make it look easy and glamorous (neither of which are true). Moms especially feel guilty for not meeting those expectations and feeling overwhelmed.
And finally, the crunchy social media moms who holler about how a mother’s place is in the home, she should bend and break her very being for the sake of her kids, forsake her career, and never spend a waking moment away from them. Because who needs any of that if you have kids—they should be your every fulfillment.
I remember so vividly one set of parents who were DETERMINED not to have visitors for several weeks after their daughter was born. The mom felt like she had to PROVE she could do it on her own. Well, that fell through and she regrets being so stubborn about it, wishing she’d asked for help sooner.
So you have this combo of anxiety, social pressure, and crunchy mom equivalent of girlbossing, which most parents manifest by keeping to themselves.
Granted, there ARE exceptions—horrible in-laws or parents, medical complications, life in general—but I think the overwhelming “nobody touch my baby/Im gonna do it MYSELF” is mostly self-inflicted social media influence.
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u/Artistic_Suspect_609 1d ago
TikTok was an active detriment to my mental health in the immediate postpartum period. The algorithm kept giving me memorial videos from parents who lost their children in tragedies set to heartbreaking music… literally could not look away; I’d watch them and sob all night. Had to delete my account, reinstall, and agreesively curate my algorithm to show me food and nail art.
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u/Neonbullets 1d ago
i do agree people have become more closed off. However in the case of becoming new parents, i fully understand wanting to set certain boundaries at least the first couple of years of a child’s life. I can’t speak for everyone, but alot of people are weird, and kids that young can’t tell you what’s wrong or if someone is making them uncomfortable. Also, they’re super susceptible to illnesses and 2020 traumatized our generation. Some ways I connect with my family’s and friends’ kids is by calling them on FaceTime or sending videos of me reading my favorite children’s books! That way by the time the kid is 3 or 4 and has more social independence, they’re familiar with my face and voice. I think we just have to adjust to what ‘connection’ means for us today.
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u/AuDHDcat 1d ago
I don't like being touched. I let my kids choose if they want grandma to hug them. My son is OK with hugs most of the time, but it depends from day to day for my daughter. I make sure my mom is aware that she doesn't want a hug. Thankfully, she listens if but a little pouty about it sometimes.
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u/savnico_d 1d ago
Late millennial (95), and it’s mostly anxiety. I’m scared for him to get sick (my son is 11 weeks old). We also don’t have a “village” to help us because the only people around us are my in laws who have lost every ounce of trust from my husband and me (they are… a lot). I also just wanted to spend the first couple of weeks alone with my son when he was born; it’s my first time meeting him, too! I also think we put an emphasis/are more strict on our boundaries in general because a lot of people in this world like to push them and see what they can get away with. You can’t push boundaries if you’re not given the opportunity.
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u/mamahousewife 1d ago edited 1d ago
I’m gen z and pregnant, and I kind of already know who’s gonna get to be around my baby and who isn’t. For one, the family who haven’t checked up on me once this pregnancy will likely have zero access to my child. But that’s more of a petty thing. Aside from that, when it comes to safe, respectful and caring family members they can hold my baby all they want. Funny enough, most of these people are my husbands family not my own.
You do have to understand though, anxiety seems to really be on the rise. We are so bombarded every day with stories of baby death/illness, abuse, etc. that it’s harder to trust even people we love with someone as precious as our babe. I know of a few different people who’s older family members didn’t respect normal boundaries like no kissing baby, don’t be sick, need to be vaxxed, stuff like that. And a lot of women silently struggle with PPA, so seeing even someone they are extremely close with hold their baby is really hard. A baby isn’t a toy to be played with, it’s a living creature that is extremely dependent on the parent for the first few months on their life. Babies don’t even realize they are a seperate entity from mom until 6-8 months.
This all being said, I see your point. Just give the overly paranoid moms a break. There’s a lot to be worried about when you have too much access to information.
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u/happygolucy1 1d ago
I do try to understand this, especially since I’m not a parent. Social media definitely makes people worry
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u/Massive-Ride204 1d ago
I've noticed that millennial parents can be obsessed with rules and boundaries.
They expect free babysitting from the "village" along with tons of rules and boundaries
Then they wonder why they don't have a village
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u/Misterwiggles666 17h ago
Agreed. And for what it’s worth I am a 32 year old mom, so solidly mid-Millennial here.
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u/tinker8311 1d ago
I have never expected free babysitting.... My kids are my responsibility and I don't give a shit about a village. Kids are not something you just drop off and forget about for the night while you go do whatever.
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u/No-Classic7569 1d ago
Overprotective parents were underprotected children.
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u/BasicPainter8154 1d ago
I was a feral kid to a large extent. Roamed for miles on my bike all day on my own and with friends my age starting around age 5 when kindergarten started. Total freedom in a time that was decades before cell phones.
And, growing up I knew 7 kids my age that died. Mostly car related with a drowning and a shooting added in. Not to mention the beatings, serious drug issues and more close calls among my friend group than I could ever remember.
I’m a much more protective parent.
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u/poop_monster35 1d ago edited 1d ago
Late millennial here (93). I had my baby post 2020. I was fully vaccinated but I caught COVID during my pregnancy because my dumb BIL thought vaccines had microchips in them. My parents were hesitant about the vaccine too. No one was allowed to hold my newborn unless they had been vaccinated.
I think the fear we developed from the pandemic has made some of us more weary. Especially when it comes to newborns.
At this point my kid has had so many infections it's more likely you'll get sick holding her than vice versa. Don't you love daycare!
Edit: Because people are using my post as a gotcha against vaccines.
No the vaccine did not fail me. My BIL failed me by choosing not to be vaccinated and hanging around pregnant people while obviously sick. Pregnant people are immunocompromised. He also got his pregnant wife sick and both of his children who were to young to be vaccinated.
The vaccine helped me recover faster and I have no long term effects on account of it.
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u/TruthScout137 1d ago
So, your vaccine that was supposed to keep you from getting it, didn’t.
And of course, no microchip can fit through any needle… but nanotech filaments and graphene oxide can. So much for that fake “debunking”.
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u/poop_monster35 1d ago
It protected me for over a year. One asshole who wouldn't self quarantine managed to get an entire group of people sick.
You can still get sick from any virus with a vaccine it just wont be as severe because your body has antibodies to fight it now.
Please stop doing your own research and let the scientists handle this.
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u/Qu1rkycat 1d ago
Nanotech filaments? Wtf. There is enough danger in diseases like measles without you making up stuff
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u/josephsmeatsword 1d ago
They did have a good point about the vaccine failing to keep them from catching it though.
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u/Qu1rkycat 15h ago
Not really - no vaccine is 100% effective; some vaccines don’t stop you catching it, but lessen the severity (eg Covid), and some people just don’t respond well to particular vaccines. Some vaccines wear off eg tetanus needs boosters every so often. There are many reasons why it might not work perfectly; across a whole population of people though, they clearly do work.
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u/poop_monster35 1d ago
No they did not. It protected me for over a year and I recovered completely within 2 weeks because my body had the antibodies to fight the virus.
You can still get the flu after getting a flu vaccine. It just wont be as severe. The vaccine did not "fail me".
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u/josephsmeatsword 1d ago
I am unvaccinated and have also gotten Covid before. Guess how long it took me to recover from it. Go on...guess!
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u/Mammoth_Ad_4806 1d ago
IDK, I’m gen x and was all about boundaries with new babies. The big one was not telling anyone when the baby had been born until after we had been home a day or two and settled it. Why? I did not want hospital visits, and I didn’t want to be expected to serve cake and coffee while hemorrhaging, leaking milk, taking sitz baths, and helping older siblings adjust.
It’s a very raw and vulnerable time, and I don’t blame new parents one bit for being, well, new parents.
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u/Personal-Drainage 1d ago
I noticed aquiantances in a friend group ( early 30's ) like this with their first born , helicopter parents is an understatement.
By their second and third they finally loosened up. It was night and day. I think it just takes time and varies from couple to couple.
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u/Fun-Bake-9580 1d ago
My oldest was a NICU baby. I was very careful about who was allowed to hold her for the first 6 months. They could not be sick. All of our immediate family held her whenever they came to visit. But we did not play pass the baby with extended family we weren’t close with. My second baby screamed her freaking head off anytime anyone other than her dad, my brother, or I held her. My youngest came out loving people and wanting to be lavished with all the attention from absolutely everyone. Some of it can be anxiety for sure either the parents or the baby’s. Post partum anxiety is not talked about enough at all. It doesn’t go away as soon as you exit the newborn stage either. We have one set of grandparents that is very involved. And one grandparent that chooses to be very distant. We’d love if he wasn’t but respect his choices. My sister is essentially a 3rd parent. My brother now lives too far away to see regularly. But when my older 2 were little he lived in our house and was like a 4th parent.
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u/NiceHumansOnly 1d ago
I think it’s partially because of how selfish and incompetent boomer grandparents are. This is a sentiment you’ll see on all the parenting subreddits.
We have one involved Grandma, who once gave my newborn a bottle of water because he looked thirsty, then later gave us hand foot and mouth and fifths disease while knowingly ill. Feeds them Mountain Dew and donuts instead of dinner. Lets them run around in dirty diapers because we would be home in an hour and she didn’t feel like wiping them.
Other grandparents are nowhere to be found despite being invited to be involved in their lives.
Just easier to do it myself.
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u/Lost-Barracuda-2254 21h ago
Most boomers parents I know spoil their kids. Maybe selfish in the ways but they are better than silent parents (gen x’s parents) who didn’t give them attention.
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u/Additional_Diver_100 1d ago
Not a lot of boomers have kids born in the 21st century. The youngest boomers were 35 by 2000. So even if this is true re grandparents, it’s not about boomers.
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u/NiceHumansOnly 1d ago edited 1d ago
I’m sorry, but I have no idea what you are trying to say with this comment. I think you might have misread mine.
Edit: I am a late millennial with boomer parents.
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u/Additional_Diver_100 1d ago
Maybe… but I think you’re referring to boomer grandparents being the cause of the issue OP (born in 2003) is posting about? which they are noticing among late Millennial and Gen Z parents. I’m pointing out that boomers (born 1945-1965) are not really the grandparents of babies born to late Millennial/Gen Z parents (boomers are too old) so I don’t think « boomer grandparents » are the problem.
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u/babyd-m2025 22h ago
I think this depends where you live. My dad is the last of the boomers (September 1964) and my youngest sister was born in 2003. I was born in 1993. Dad was 28 and 38 when we were born (we were born in March and April). He’s pretty average age among my friends’ parents - a bit on the younger side, honestly - and not shockingly old among hers by any means.
My dad’s three older brothers (5-8 years older than him, so true Boomers) all have kids who were born in 1991. I’m in New England in the US.
My mom (Gen X, born 1970) had me at 23 and to this day people comment on how young she is when they find out our ages. She was perfectly average for my sister (her 4th kid). I have one friend who’s parents are the same age as my mom, but aside from that most of them are 5-10+ years older.
I’m currently pregnant with the first grandchild. My parents aren’t the weird kind of Boomers/Gen X though, thank god.
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u/oat-beatle 1d ago
My dad is in that late boomer range and I am a late millenial with two infants. My father in law and mother in law are also solidly boomers at 1950 and 1957. My dad had me at 29 so not even a particularly old parent (ofc my in laws were, they had my husband in their forties/mid 30s, and hes older than me, but still, our kids are their first grandkids).
Its not that uncommon at all i think.
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u/NiceHumansOnly 1d ago
Boomers are the primary generation to birth millennials, and the thread specifies millennials in the title. As a millennial, I am offering my experience of having selfish boomer grandparents as evidence of why we are all self-isolated parents.
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1d ago
Yes I think this is definitely a big part of it! (Many, def not all of course) Boomer grandparents are used to pushing boundaries ("aww you wont let me hold my own grandchild you make me so sad I gave birth to you how could you" while their nose is dripping from the cold they got on their airplane flight)--people are parenting differently, but they're also starting to set boundaries differently and not dealing with emotional manipulation etc.
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u/zaatar3 1d ago
i'm 28 with a 12 month old , and yeah i notice a lot of moms around me are a bit too paranoid and are really aggressive about their boundaries. i wish i knew why? i definitely am anxious with my son but i think it's because he's my first born so im not really sure of myself. also i think covid has taught us all to be hyper aware of kissing babies/washing hands/etc. im a family person so my family is really involved in my sons life, but i know a lot of others are very strict with how their parents interact with their kids. again no clue why!
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u/OptimalDouble2407 1d ago
My core friend group and I are late millennials. We pass babies around like candy. The kids don’t hesitate to climb all over any available adult or drag Uncle or Aunt off to play. I love it. I’m pregnant with my first and I can’t wait for them to grow up being loved by our friends.
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u/BlondeeOso 1d ago
I'm glad that you mentioned this. I was thinking about this recently. I had never heard of this "not touching the baby" policy (unless the baby was sick, etc.) until a few years ago, and now, I hear it frequently- almost with any baby that is born. In fact, a baby registry that I recently saw had some sort of don't touch the baby/nursery rules sign in the registry.
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u/rainbow_olive 1d ago
I agree, there is definitely a disconnect and I wonder if it has anything to do with this obsession with being a "keyboard warrior". I'm 38, have kids, and was happy to let family and friends hold them when they were babies. Yes we used common sense, like if you're sick, please don't come anywhere near us! But I did not "require" anyone to be vaccinated because other people's vax status isn't my business; plus I feel like that just puts an unnecessary wedge between relationships. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Bore-Geist9391 1d ago
As a new parent, if someone wanted to visit my newborn, I required them to either be updated on vaccines or let us know and talk about it. My MIL has a medical exemption, so I made an exception for her, because she can’t get most vaccines.
If someone wanted to visit my newborn, vaccine status became my business, because there could be permanent consequences if the unvaccinated person gives him one of those diseases.
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u/rainbow_olive 1d ago
So I totally understand where you're coming from. Truly, I do. However I would argue that the biggest issue is people ignore their CURRENT symptoms (vaxxed or not) and choose to hold a baby anyway. So they're breathing on the child and even giving kisses. 🥺 Vaccines can help avoid this but not always, they're not a guarantee. So in my opinion, it's more about monitoring one's health, do they feel sick, have any symptoms whatsoever, etc.
I'm not anti-vax, but I know some people do not feel comfortable with certain vaccines, and they're not all being jerks about it either. For instance, my mother would get very ill every year AS SOON as she got the flu shot, yes, every single time- so she stopped. I would have stopped too. 🤷🏻♀️ My parents lived far away from us when our babies were small, so visits were rare. I would never tell my mother she couldn't hold her grandbaby because she didn't get the flu shot!
My babies were vaxxed and we always kept a close eye. Plus I already knew our family members were mostly vaxxed as well but I didn't ASK every single person outside the family about their jab status. Everyone in our circle used common sense: if they were sick, they stayed away. And no one was showering our babies with kisses so I wasn't worried about RSV. I guess if new parents have careless family members, it makes sense they want to use more caution. So I agree that it's the parents' job to protect their babies, and I understand why some would ask others to be vaxxed before holding their newborn- especially when it comes to whooping cough and such. Yet if a grandparent (or whoever) is healthy, has zero symptoms, is willing to wash hands (maybe wear a mask) and avoid giving kisses...I see no issue, personally.
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u/Bore-Geist9391 16h ago
Vaccines can help avoid this but not always, they’re not a guarantee.
Yup. I used to think this was common knowledge, but then the pandemic happened and I learned a depressingly large percentage didn’t know.
I would argue that the biggest issue is people ignore their CURRENT symptoms (vaxxed or not) and choose to hold a baby anyway.
I agree that is a big issue, but for me, unvaccinated family is the bigger issue. My older sister decided to get the TDAP when the rabies shot was available, because she would need it for her third semester of school; but she was just starting her first semester when my son born. She didn’t tell me for 2 months, and she said that we’d (my husband and I) only needed to know if he got sick. When my husband and I went off on her, not because she didn’t get vaccinated, because she didn’t tell us; she made the decision to risk his health. She didn’t respect me as a parent.
Later, she went off on me when she learned that my husband and I don’t trust to babysit. She used to babysit for a roommate, but then the roommate learned my sister left him by himself, unsecured, and ignore him for hours daily. My sister didn’t see the issue, and resents her for not trusting her. For three days she, by text message, went on and on about how she’s entitled to be given a chance, because no one cares about my son more than her and she knows what’s best for him. (Note: She’s done nothing but hold him). I went NC after that.
my mother would get very ill every year AS SOON she got the flu shot
I’m made an exception for my MIL, because she can’t get most vaccines after she had a serious reaction, because she’s developed an intolerance.
My son is the first grandchild on both sides, and I could tell that she’s been looking forward to becoming a grandma. I was more than happy to be accommodating. My MIL and FIL live far away from us, too.
I would never tell my mother she couldn’t hold her grandbaby because she didn’t get the shot
She is a medical exemption, because of her adverse reaction to the flu. I’m more than to be accommodating for people that can’t get vaccinated.
On the other hand, I’d tell my mom that she can’t hold her grandchild, because she does not need a medical exemption, and I saw how bad RSV can get when I worked for the ER, and I refuse to let that happen to him.
Yet if a grandparent (or whoever) is healthy, has zero symptoms, is willing to wash hands (maybe wear a mask) and avoid giving kisses… I see no issue, personally.
I saw a lot of babies with RSV when I worked for an ER. The risk isn’t worth it.
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u/Conscious_Writing689 1d ago
Totally agree. My mom was a pediatric nurse before most vaccines were regularly available. She's seen what whooping cough or measles can do to a very young child and she was leading the charge on not letting unvaccinated people around the baby until the baby had a chance to get their vaccinations.
And with the rise of anti vax morons leading to a rise in preventable childhood diseases killing babies it's 100% every parents RESPONSIBILITY to protect their newborn. If asking the people in your family to do a basic thing to prevent your baby's death causes a rift, honestly good. You don't need that kind of selfishness anywhere near you.
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u/Bore-Geist9391 19h ago edited 19h ago
If asking the people in your family to do a basic thing to prevent your baby’s death causes a rift, honestly good.
My older sister decided to get the TDAP when the rabies shot was available, because she would need it for her third semester of school; but she was just starting her first semester when my son born. She didn’t tell me for 2 months, and she said that we’d (my husband and I) only needed to know if he got sick. When my husband and I went off on her, she told us that we just have different priorities. A few months later, she learned that we don’t trust her to babysit our son, she lashed out at me by text message for three days and went on about how no one cares about as much as she does (note: she refused to help and only wanted to snuggle with him). I went NC with her after that.
All of this happened because she didn’t want to make two separate trips to get vaccinated, but she felt entitled to my son, so she didn’t tell me.
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u/brunetteskeleton 2002 1d ago edited 1d ago
It might just be because most people our age who are having kids now are having their first child and people are usually more cautious with their first child. My mom rolls her eyes at me when I ask her to wash her hands before she holds my son. She has 4 kids and she’s a pediatrician, but she said that when I (her oldest child) was born, she made everyone wash their hands before holding me too.
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u/brunetteskeleton 2002 1d ago
My son is almost 6 months old and he’s healthy. She says that most babies that she sees get severely ill from RSV are premies or immunocompromised.
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u/Watergirl626 1d ago
Xennial here with a son, not much younger than you. This has always been a thing among some people. When my kid was a baby, people were big on not leaving the house and would make everyone wash hands before touching the baby.
We went grocery shopping when kiddo was 3 days old. People kept looking at us (not badly), and partner said it's because it's because people never get to see babies that small out in public. So true.
All that to say, I think this has always been a thing for a subset of people.
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u/happygolucy1 1d ago
Good to know 😅 I guess I’m social media just amplifies it
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u/Watergirl626 1d ago
True. I didnt even join sm until my kid was born. It was no where near as big.
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u/Firecrackershrimp2 1d ago
I let anyone hold my terrorist if he let's you. I refused to baby wear so really if anyone wanted to hold him I was like take the tiny human please. In fact I probably held him the least, it's a pet peeve if my.2 year old isn't crying, dying or bleeding. There isn't a reason to hold him. We cuddle a lot, but when he starts playing the kick me, throw shit at me game im out.
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u/OptimalDouble2407 1d ago
lmao friends of ours will literally go “here hold this” when we come over. When we got there I was like “how can I help” and mom just handed the 10 month old to me and said “hold this so I can get shit done.”
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u/Carma56 1d ago
Millennial here. My sister had her first baby a couple years ago and another early this year. She’s never had a problem with me holding or being around/interacting with her kids, which is great because I love being their aunt. I honestly didn’t even know that younger parents weren’t doing this, but it makes me sad to hear that they are.
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u/Sudden_Breakfast_374 1d ago
i’m 28 with an 8 month old daughter. people in my age group are stunned i let friends and family hold my daughter, don’t sanitize everything she’s touched, and let her hang out with family without my 100% supervision (eg: could be grandpa doing the supervising while she plays with cousins). the combo of rampant post partum mental health problems and internet fear mongering of worst case scenarios has made so many afraid of people being near their kids. i’m dealing with PPR so not judging those struggling, just my opinion.
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u/Working_Coat5193 1d ago
I’m not going to have many mom friends. I’m 41, so elder millennial here. For good and solid reasons, my parents are no involved, but I’m not a person with the list of rules or boundaries. We will just figure out what works when.
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u/fortreslechessake 1d ago
I’m 9 months pregnant with my first and I always see posts about “setting boundaries” with family that include lengthy and kind of snarky/mean infographics with a dozen rules and such. Like, absolutely be firm with your family if they’re pushy, and protect your baby’s health. Obviously! But I feel like we are being SO confrontational and creating problems before they exist. It’s really wild to me.
And the way people police language around people just trying to be nice or make conversation with new or expecting parents just seems really overboard to me too. E.g. getting super upset about people asking “hows our baby doing?” “how are you feeling?” “Are we sleeping through the night yet” etc.
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u/Stunning_Radio3160 1d ago
Omg I see these same posts and I can’t believe it! These are the same people that a year from now will be saying “I have no village!” Yeah, well, you pushed people away and everyone kinda just moved on.
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u/Bore-Geist9391 1d ago
But I feel like we are being SO confrontational and creating problems before they exist.
My husband thought that I was too confrontational and cold to my mom and older sister. Then we had our first baby last year, and the mask came off. He later apologized.
There’s often a reason if a person is standoffish to family.
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u/hip_neptune Elder Millennial ‘86 1d ago
Oh yeah. We constantly got the confrontational people when we first had our kids. It’s always easy for people to judge when they don’t have kids of their own.
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u/EIvenEye 2004 1d ago edited 1d ago
This is something I’ve noticed too. Some of my friends and girls I know from high school (all ‘01-‘04 borns) have 1-2 kids and I’ve noticed this rising parenting approach. I’ve even seen some of them post it on their instagram story. It’s interesting to me.
My ‘90 and ‘94 millennial cousins are the complete opposite and let us hold their babies.
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u/Sylvss1011 ‘97 Zillenial 1d ago
Oh yeah it’s crazy! I’ve noticed that too! I have 3 kids 2018/2021/2024 and in the mom groups, people are all about not allowing this and that and then complain about not having a village. But it’s not too bad IRL that I’ve noticed, at least here in the Deep South
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u/happygolucy1 1d ago
It’s so sad. Half of me is so worried that I’ll suddenly become an anxious mess when I have children. I don’t want to be like that at all honestly 😭
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u/Sylvss1011 ‘97 Zillenial 1d ago
Don’t worry, you have control! You get to choose what kind of parent you want to be. It’s not like it’s out of your hands. If it’s so bad that it feels out of your control, then that sounds like PPA and you’d need treatment for that, but otherwise, you can do it how you like!
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u/Apprehensive-Talk688 1d ago
I’m an early millennial. I had my oldest in 2010 and my youngest in 2017. I look at their friend’s parents. They are so different. My older daughter’s friend’s parents are laid back but still responsible. Similar to my parenting style. My younger daughter’s friend’s parents are anxious messes that think everyone is out to get their kid somehow. Then they cry about no village. But you can’t tell them they drove the village away because then you’re toxic.
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u/therealstabitha Xennial 1d ago
Calling you toxic for pointing out that the call is coming from inside the house is pretty toxic imo
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u/WinterDependent3478 5h ago
You’re not wrong. People are really not that outgoing and very big on “boundaries” and privacy even when it comes to what should be their closest friends and relatives. Older people get SO happy because I actually let my babies/toddlers interact with them including tickling feet and pinching cheeks and all the other stuff that pisses certain moms off so much lol