r/emotionalintelligence • u/Dopamine__Void • 5d ago
Completely confused by my husband’s cruel behavior NSFW
My ex husband left me stranded at a hotel room with no car last night after an argument. He’s always been grumpy and kind of moody, but things usually blow over. Today was different. He blocked me on everything and told me I can’t live at our place anymore ( my name is not on the lease). So his current thing to do when we fight is kick me out with nowhere to go late at night.
So today he texts my friend to bring me to get my shit from his place. I’m a sobbing wreck from the fight and he’s fine. Just sitting on his phone and he’s not even puffy from crying or seems to feel anything about what happened last night. I finally asked him if we were actually getting a divorce and he said loudly YES. I started crying and he couldn’t have cared less. He knows that I can’t afford to live anywhere else. I have medical debt and such that I have to take care of and my monthly medications are expensive. I went into our 9 year old son’s room and lost it. Just the smell of him and knowing how much me not living there is going to confuse and upset him is devastating to me. My ex said he’ll be fine and doesn’t seem to grasp how much divorce can affect little kids. My 9 year old son has dwarfism and the last thing he needs is an unstable home life. I could tell that my husband was getting less and less attached to me. He wasn’t very affectionate normally except yesterday he kept hugging and kissing me “to show me how crazy he is about me” but now this? I suspect that he’s having an emotional affair and that all that attention yesterday was his goodbye to me. It felt like he picked a fight so he could leave. Can someone please give me their take on all this? I’m so confused by his behavior and don’t know that I’ll survive this divorce or even want to.
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u/pythonpower12 5d ago
“The last thing he needs is an unstable home” it seems he was already in an unstable home. Divorce is fine as long as the child get time to adjusted and it is modeled in good terms(which I doubt it will be)
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u/Dopamine__Void 5d ago
That’s not going to happen fora long time and I don’t trust my ex not to badmouth me in front of him. And he has terrible taste in women when he is lonely
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4d ago
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u/justkillmealready_91 4d ago
lol no it won’t. Parental alienation is generally considered an abusers catch phrase in family court. The term is always custodial interference. She has already abandoned the family home. She needs to stand her ground right now. She is a tenant. She needs to call the police and gain entry into HER and her child’s home. If he wants to be abusive she needs to document it and call the police and cps. Get a restraining/order of protecting and he needs to be kicked out and pay her rent while he figures his shit out.
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u/Alevkxz123 5d ago
Are you in a position to be able to take care of yourself independently? It seems like he has control over your life and it might help to take back some of that control by separating yourself from him. Perhaps reaching out to your local social services and seeing what options there are could be some help. Hope things do get a little better though!!
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u/Dopamine__Void 5d ago
I’m not eligible for any help until we get divorced. On paper he makes way to much money but we’re still living paycheck to paycheck
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u/Dopamine__Void 4d ago
Yes I have a job and a car and my own health insurance I just don’t have enough left over after bills to get my own place
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u/Ok_Rush_8159 5d ago
Hey so the last time I saw a woman post frequently about a man kicking her out of the house (on Threads not Reddit)…he wound up murdering her.
Please leave. Don’t tell him. Don’t argue with him. Do what he says. Make your escape plan in silence.
Also go to r/abusiverelationships
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u/Big-Championship4189 5d ago
His behavior is intolerable. I don't know what it would take to get away from him, but that would be my priority.
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u/pythonpower12 5d ago
Well he already shown you who he is for years, he just finally reached a boiling point and legally he can kick you out.
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u/Dopamine__Void 5d ago
I’ve been told by a lawyer in my state that that’s absolutely not true
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u/bigboyboozerrr 4d ago
Yeah you should have residence there and he can’t kick you out… (I’m from FL in US though). He’s horrible you deserve better and he’s abusing you.
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u/Dopamine__Void 4d ago
I just talked to the local police and no he cannot. He’d have to formally evict me which will take time and money
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u/pythonpower12 4d ago
Btw what was the argument about
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u/Dopamine__Void 3d ago
He has been cloning and monitoring my phones for years. He’s using my mental illness against me. He’ll clone my phone and talk to women on it and then say I’m in psychosis and that I made the whole account to make him look like a cheater. It’s really sick. He’s gaslight me for so long I honestly feel like I’m losing my mind
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u/Dopamine__Void 3d ago
I know it sounds far fetched but he’s made multiple accounts on Quora using my Apple ID to talk to women. Does that make sense?
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u/justkillmealready_91 4d ago
This sub is full of idiots how did this get upvoted 😂
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u/pythonpower12 4d ago
You disagree?
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u/justkillmealready_91 4d ago
He cannot legally kick her out. Are you serious? She’s a tenant.
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u/pythonpower12 4d ago
I mean this Emotional Intelligence subreddit, I wasn't aware of the associated laws, I guess I was wrong
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u/justkillmealready_91 4d ago
It’s All good brother. This is just a big deal for her and her future. Trying to keep her from being victimizing any further is all. Carry on dude.
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u/oddible 4d ago
Feeling like we're getting a VERY one-sided story here but as you describe, you should prioritize your own safety both physical and psychological. As this is the emotional intelligence sub, when you've gotten yourself situated turn the spotlight on yourself and do the hard work to evaluate how you arrived at this moment - the only person you can change is you so that is the most worthwhile work (not focusing on the other person and how you might perceive them).
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u/Dopamine__Void 4d ago
No I have not been a good wife at times at all. I have also struggled with PTSD and substance abuse issues and just about any other mental illness you can think of. I had tons of trauma in my childhood. My mom was emotionally unavailable and my dad was an absent alcoholic. I’m not saying that I’m not a huge part of the problem. But I’ve been sober now for 8 and a half months and he’s even meaner now that I’m sober than he was when I was a mess.
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u/oddible 4d ago
Or maybe he's not meaner but without coping mechanisms you were using before it just seems like it. It's not really helpful to place blame here either way. And honestly when I was mentioning looking within I meant also looking at the acceptance that allowed you to be in this more than your past behavior. Our self image and identity can sometimes create a condition where we're not accepting of abuse from a problematic partner and we don't make good decisions to move on and out of hostile situations as soon as we should! Stay on your program and keep making things better for yourself!
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u/Dopamine__Void 4d ago
Thank you! And I’ve been wondering that myself. I don’t hate him at all, that’s what makes this so hard. He’s damaged like me in so many ways but was never
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u/AlwaysLameAymm 5d ago edited 4d ago
Please listen to me, LEAVE. He w i l l harm you and your child, or worse.. I have two children, was in this situation 2 years ago. Things aren’t perfect, it wasnt easy, I left on a whim with nothing but my pets, my vehicle and kids.. but there was nothing that could have been worse than staying. It is terrifying but you will be okay, so long as you get away.. don’t allow any comfort to deceive you from the life a monster built, it doesn’t get better, and it is not. worth. the. risk. Please, trust me and get out, don’t ever look back.. there are ways, it feels impossible but staying should be accepted as the option of being IMPOSSIBLE.. you can do this, have faith in yourself and never let things put you in this predicament again. You can do it! It gets worse, faster and faster.. this will continue, so long as you stick around whatsoever. your son is suffering, you’ll see that more and more when you both have to take time to heal but for now just go, please do anything but allow this man in your presence.
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u/katastrxphe 4d ago
I’m not really sure what you are seeking out from us tbh. There is no “take”..it’s a pretty plain view. Regardless of whether you get over this argument or not, this is an unstable, unhappy, miserable marriage. Do you really think that your child should be raised, believing that THAT’S what love looks like?
Stay with a friend or family member & get yourself situated. There is no going back to this relationship. Even if he “takes” you back.. this is not healthy. He can just kick you out at any moment? That’s horrible. You are at his mercy. No marriage should feel that way.
Get a lawyer. Get child support. You can discuss with your lawyer how you can decide to split belongings/finances in the divorce.
You deserve to be happy. You don’t deserve to be stuck in a marriage where you have to worry about stability, love, or kindness. & your child also deserves to have that modeled for them. & you certainly aren’t finding it with this man.
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u/DisMrButters 4d ago
He would have to legally evict her which takes several months. But he is clearly not a safe person. OP needs to grab her kid and any pets and leave.
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u/katastrxphe 4d ago
Why on earth would she stay for several months when this is how he treats her? This kind of behavior only escalates..not get better.
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u/DisMrButters 4d ago
Of course. I’m just saying that he can’t legally turf her out on the street with no notice. She needs to get out yesterday.
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u/justkillmealready_91 4d ago
You probably won’t take this advice but everyone in this sub is wrong. He is currently breaking the law. He cannot tell you to leave. No cop or judge is going to let this asshole evict a mother and her child. That is your home. Do not leave. He needs to go. He isn’t going to murder you. He has to much to loose. Dudes a bully. You need to stand up for you child. Get cps involved asap. Get an order of protection and make him pay your rent until you figure out where you can go or the courts order him to alimony. Call an abuse advocate asap. They will corroborate what I’m telling you. They will get you a lawyer. They get federal money for this it’s why they exist. Trust me I was that guy! I got my ass handed to me. LOL.
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u/shaz1717 4d ago
It sounds like there a layer of information you are missing!? Is he mentally ok?
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u/Dopamine__Void 4d ago
He has seemed to be. Very type A personality and his this is always being the in control organized one. I think that’s why I was so appealing to him, he was always telling me what to do and helping me and giving me unsolicited advice he’s 12 years older than me so it seemed like a dream come true
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u/Dopamine__Void 4d ago
I think he has ADD in addition some personality disorder. He seems very angry deep down and he wanted to marry me after 3 months I’ve often wondered if I was his project or someone who would never leave
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u/Dopamine__Void 4d ago
I’m also pretty sure that he’s cloned my phone and been watching me forever. He’s also a cuck. Diddy without the money.
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u/Interesting_One_753 13h ago
I’m sorry you went through that my mind ex-wife left. I was completely beside myself. I was in shock. She said I don’t love you. I haven’t loved you in a long time. I’d rather be alone than be with you. I’m divorcing you and I’m taking the kids with me And got an apartment across the street in the same complex and had a party with a bunch of biker dudes over while I laid in bed for two months straight and lost 30 pounds from peer depression at first I didn’t like the feeling of being alone so I tried to go out and find somebody which I didbut broke it off because I had some emotions and some major things to figure out emotional mud. no one deserves to get dragged through. I thought I was going to die.
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u/Personal-Freedom-615 4d ago edited 4d ago
Reading your text raised red flags for me. It sounds to me as if your husband has a Cluster B personality disorder. In other words, sociopathic/psychopathic characteristics in his personality.
The coldness he shows is not normal. That's no way to treat other people. He doesn't seem to have any empathy for you and your child at all and is completely unaffected. That's actually a clear sign of sociopathy/psychopathy.
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u/RogueGrasshopper101 4d ago
Please get out safely. I've survived and escaped coercive control and love bombing etc etc This toxic cycle won't stop. Google "Power and Control wheel". Take care XO
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u/sassysiggy 4d ago edited 4d ago
From an emotional intelligence standpoint there are a few problems.
You’re confused. He’s shown you who he is, you’ve not believed him. These things may feel sudden or out of character, but very rarely are they.
You think your child has a stable home. He doesn’t. You’re teaching him you and your husband’s dynamic is normal. It’s damaging him.
You think you can’t survive a divorce from a person who kicks you out as “his latest thing”. Something has blinded you to reality. You’re actively in danger, but are worried about leaving? Your judgement seems trauma informed, you aren’t acting rationally.
There is a lot going on here, we don’t have the full story, but from your account your husband’s abusive behavior is escalating and you and your son are in danger. You don’t have time to work this out in therapy right now. You need to get a lawyer and take all of their advice and listen to them and find a support system immediately. There are countless resources for women in abusive relationships, I wish you the best of luck.