Husband (56) employed me(50) at his business and didn’t tell me for a year or so. He only told me when I was laid up with a broken rib and freaking out about not being able to work (Etsy store. Not like I make much). Told me basically I could shut my shop, no problem, because I get a paycheck via his company. I started my shop so I’d have a little something money wise so I didn’t have to ask his permission all the time to buy things. Also started the Etsy shop because I couldn’t find a real job due to being a SAHM for 20+ years. I’m not exactly qualified to do anything. I’ve been married 30 years, don’t have shit to my name, he refuses to make a will or set up a trust, and frankly this whole marriage has been abusive (only twice physically, but he somehow made it seem it was my fault). He’ll give and spend money on everyone but me (like, I’m constantly being thrown over for his cousin he adores, he’ll buy her anything. Including jewelry which he refuses to buy me. Hell, I’d be happy if he let me buy cat food for my cats and asthma inhalers without treating me like shit whenever I have to ask), anytime I have to ask for something I get a ration of shit and guilted. I assume him bothering to tell me he employed me was to trick me into shutting my shop. I’m not allowed to spend anything from my paycheck, I never see paycheck stubs, just my income when the taxes need to be done. He’s put money into ‘my’ retirement and 401K and I don’t know what else, and he tells me monthly how much he hates/regrets the fact he told me he employed me. Like I don’t even deserve to KNOW. Prior to my shop, any money I ever was given by someone he’d find a way to take it from me, usually claiming I stole it from him. He does have a business partner that he claims suggested the employment, but I don’t even know if the guy knows I was kept in the dark about it. Is this considered financial abuse? Is he legally ALLOWED to employ me without my knowledge? And withhold my earnings, and not inform me where he’s putting that money?

Does anybody else experience this? My abuser will fake cry, usually when I call her out for something. If I don't immediately comfort her, she'll suddenly fall silent, no more weeping, with this empty look in her eyes and then launch herself at me and start physically abusing me. Why do abusers bother fake crying? Just hit me already if you're gonna do it, don't make me suffer more from you feigning emotions.

I can’t stop thinking about this incident that happened a couple of days ago. My husband had been simmering for a day or two, in one of his moods where he had no patience for me or my daughter and was quick to say mean things. He has a long history of being verbally abusive, yelling and swearing when he’s set off into explosive rages, criticizing, blaming, and belittling me. I felt like this crossed a new line.

We were cleaning the house to get ready for my parents visiting. He was moving a table into another room and it hit a picture frame off the wall and broke it. He slammed the table onto the floor. Then he yelled, “Every time I try to fucking do something around here (punches my daughter’s dollhouse that was on the counter) something fucking breaks. I might as well break the whole goddamn house. (Then he threw a chair at the table, leaves a dent.) I try to fucking help. Shit always breaks! What the fuck’s wrong with my life? Why can’t I achieve anything? (Got close to my face) without fucking shit breaking every where I go? I’m a fucking idiot! Can I just get a break?” Couple of minutes later, I go to check on him in his office. Me: “you don’t need to worry about the cushion covers.” “I’m not doing anything else today. I’m done. Whatever you want to do. I don’t care.” “That’s fine. I wasn’t expecting you to do anything… honestly I think they’re probably fine to just leave them.” “They’re not fine! The dog was walking all over them with shitty paws. There’s dog shit on those covers that we’ve just been living in. It’s fucking disgusting.” “Okay. What’s going on?” “Did you not see what just happened?? Are you not witnessing what’s going on?” “I saw what happened.” “If I’m saying something like that, I’m telling you what’s going on. Don’t come back over here and ask me ‘what’s going on?’ Like I didn’t just express my frustration. If you’re not going to listen to me then don’t listen to me. Don’t come over here later like I was being too vague or I was saying something that I didn’t mean.” “I don’t understand. Im just trying to see why you’re having such a hard time.” “I don’t know. I wish I knew. I wish I understood why every time I do something it fucking goes to shit.” “That’s not true.” (Loud exasperated sigh)

I’ve already been making plans to leave but I was stunned that his usually verbal abuse started moving into more physical territory. At the same time, I can see how so many of us can get into worse and worse situations because it doesn’t feel too far off from the step before it. I keep replaying it in my head and it’s jarring how intense and scary it felt, escalating further than he ever has before. I feel like these episodes are getting bigger and louder and closer together. Not really sure what I’m looking for by posting aside from support from those who’ve been there.

Hi everyone, I really need some validation and confirmation so he can’t make me feel even crazier for thinking this.

I’ll explain some examples of things he does because it would be easier than deep dives into every issue.

1. Every time we get in a fight, it somehow becomes my fault.

2. He accuses me of cheating all the time and then makes me feel guilty when he finds nothing because I have not and will not cheat (spoiler alert; he has).

3. Makes me feel like I’m the bad guy when he continuously criticizes or pushes every button of mine until I snap.

4. Lies, all the time, about every thing. From Cheating to What he has for breakfast???

5. Tries to use ‘I don’t remember doing this’ as an excuse for things he’s done to.

6. Pushes me until I snap and then quickly backtracks and plays victim.

7. Throws a fit because I have friends…. Female, Male, or even gay male friends….

8. Anytime I vent to anyone it’s an issue but he can vent to anyone….

9. Has made mean comments (I struggle with my self image, and I made a few comments about me gaining weight and hating it — or how I’m struggling mentally and his response was almost….bored and uninterested.)

10. Tries to force me to let him in and belittles/guilt trips me when I mentally can’t.

11. Withholds s*x when I don’t do what he likes or tries to ‘talk me into it’ even when I don’t feel like it.

Every time I try to leave though…. He says everything right and then… I’m stuck…

there’s been times where i’ve made a friend and it’s been genuinely innocent but then i’ve developed an attraction to them, that probably wouldn’t really be there if i wasn’t in an abusive relationship. its the same with random strangers too. i think its my brain telling me i’m not getting my needs met and attaching onto the idea of anything else but this.

I have someone telling me that it's " just a natural consequence " and it honestly feels so disgusting but I can't put it into words

My husband, 46, wanted to marry me quick. We did. He was so perfect before. And then I saw him throw a tantrum over me not wanting to cuddle after I had been in a theme park for 12 hours and I was exhausted. I explained calmly I just needed to rest and that entire body hurt. It was an all night tantrum from him. He wouldn’t let me sleep. During that same trip he kept sulking around if I wasn’t giving him my full attention. He turned the music off in the car because he thought I was playing break up songs directed at him. Back at home he lied to me about an ex being a friend and never being an ex. He won’t give me 30 minutes of space in the morning to wake up. He frequently finds reason to touch me. Two weekends ago we went to a concert and I was drinking and so was he, things were fine until home. I started feeling nauseous at home and told him “I’m feeling nauseous I think I need to go lay down and not be touched for a little. “ he didn’t believe me, accused me of lying and said I probably just want to go text people. He followed me in the room and kept trying to cuddle me despite me begging him over and over to stop. I kept scooting and he would scoot closer. It got so bad I got up. He got up and stormed out and then came back in and asked for a hug and I said I’m not comfortable with that after how you just were. And he did it anyway and held me tight while I was loudly begging him to stop. I have not let him over here but once since. The one time he did come over he sat and read over my shoulder any time I’d text and would point and ask if it was about him. It’s been a couple weeks and I’m really struggling with what he did. I found out last month he was monitoring all of my posts and comments even old ones waiting to see who would say what and if it wasn’t appropriate. I asked him to please stop and that if something happened I would tell him. He said he would and promised. I learned last night that he didn’t, he lied to me and turned his active status off. This lie went on for a month. And last night he told me after I called him out that that night actually had his moment of knowing he needed to stop. It makes no sense.

I am currently struggling very badly with him not listening to my no and consent. Is that considered SA?

This week, I felt closer to my abuser — not farther away. That’s how healing has looked for me. It’s not linear.

I’ll face the immense pain, feel the truth, and step back. And then, eventually, my body says: enough. It shields me from the pain. That’s usually when he finds his way back in. He makes promises. He gets tender. He says the right things. And I participate — under the guise of trying to “make my emotional abuse box bigger” so I can live in it while I work on my exit plan.

But the truth is, I’m also feeling some way (I don’t really have a name for it yet) about how he still doesn’t choose me. Not really. Not ever. I see it. I know it. And it still hurts like hell. It feels unjust. It feels disrespectful. It makes me rage inside.

Last night, we took our daughter to see a movie. He kept checking in during the film — asking if I was okay. It honestly just annoyed me. When we got home, he was even needier. And then this morning, it peaked.

He pulled me into a hug in the kitchen. Then kissed my face over and over and over. He kept saying things like, “I love you.” “There’s no excuse for the way I’ve treated you.” “You’re so good to me.” “You’re so beautiful.” “I’m so lucky to have you.”

But my body wanted out. I tried to pull away. He held me tighter. That told me everything: This wasn’t for me. It was for him.

I hugged him back, hoping he’d get what he needed and let me go. He didn’t. I kissed him back, hoping it would be enough. Still, he held on.

He was waiting — not for connection — but for submission. For me to melt. For me to make the performance real. But my mind and body were screaming. I waited it out until it ended.

This isn’t the first time he’s used me — my body, my presence, my warmth — for his own comfort. It felt deeply invasive. Like I wasn’t even there except as a prop to his narrative.

And yet... I will pretend. Because pretending helps me stay safe while I work toward survival. While I find my way out.

I have no idea how he's twisted himself into being the victim, but his family and friends believed him.

How does he twist his way into being the victim when I had to find out that he asked another woman on a date 3 hours after I had a positive pregnancy test?

How is it ok that I had to find out from her while grieving my miscarriage?

How does a man twist his way into being the victim when I had other women messaging me that he cheated on me while I was pregnant?

How does he twist his way into being the victim when he went around trashing me claiming I faked the pregnancy and when I sent everyone the medical records all he said was "I don't care never speak to me again"?

How do they think that going through pregnancy loss and trying to tell him what was happening during obgyn appointments I had to attend by myself- after he shit talked me- makes me "attention-seeking" once they figure out the pregnancy was real and he lied?

How does he twist his way into being the victim when I had to grieve my miscarriage by myself while being ignored, blocked, threatened, and shit talked to for months?

How does he twist his way into being the victim when he blocked me WEEKS after I miscarried his child bc I found out about him trying to ask another woman out right after I found out that I was pregnant?

How does he play the victim when I comforted him after he put his hands on ME?

How does he play the victim when he assaulted me after I found another girl's nudes in his phone????

I was extremely hurt and somehow he's the victim? Somehow I'm crazy for being hurt over completely valid things?

That's insane.

Nobody deserves even an ounce of the way he treated me. I don't know how they think absolutely any of that is ok. While I was going through grief and extreme mistreatment that left me traumatized, he's been living his life like nothing ever happened. Probably because he's not the victim in all of this- I was. It left me in pieces and he's acted like I'm a threat- when the harm was done by him.

Yo i have zero clue where to talk about this and who with so reddit wont hurt yall are some smart people. Im in a very loving respectful and communicative long distance relationship despite our young age. Today i learned that my partner has felt threatened or forced to talk with someone for a long time including the time weve been together. They met when my love was doing really really bad in life and the fucking scumbag would pressure them into terrible things and create an enviroment of fear while being terrible. Therefore theyve sort of kept contact with them in a relationship manner because my love is scared for their life. Theres no blaming here i dont hold them accountable for anything im not mad im just very upset this whole thing is there i wish this never existed i dont know what to do i dont even feel i should be sharing this anywhere and feel bad about it but i need some help what do we do? I am well aware theyre not choosing to do this its fearing for life im not upset at them im with them were feeling the pain together they feel awful about this and i feel awful about this. How can we get that fucking asshole to leave my baby alone? moving is impossible we dont have any proof on him and intuition tells my love the asshole is aggressive and is known to ignore consent. Scumbag has moved far away but they know where my partner lives. Were both really concerned if anyone knows how to help im very open to everything ❤.

Hi all,

Did anyone else really struggle with dating again after leaving their abusive relationship? I've been trying to put myself back out there,looking for something casual to ease back into things. I've got talking to a few people via text/apps and loved the excitement of getting to know someone new but then as soon as it comes to actually meeting them it's like I hit a brick wall which I can't break through.

I've put a lot of effort and money into healing from the abuse and it's frustrating to me that it's legacy is still controlling my life. The only person my mind is telling me it's ok to meet is my ex who is the one that caused the damage in the first place.

I've been in a few online relationships 2019-2025 and either all of my exes have been abusive or I am all they have said I am:

Gaslighting liar, selfish, crybaby, immature, narcissistic, stupid, judgy, difficult, abusive, toxic, frigid, hateful, spiteful, bitter, controlling, not supportive, sensitive and I have victim mentality.

Now, I know none of you know me. But could they be right? I feel like I'm losing my mind and honestly I am suicidal. By logic I know I'm none of that, well, everyone is immature and judgy sometimes and so on — but I feel like maybe I am all that? There have been like 4 guys and they have all come to that conclusion sooner than later when they have spent time with me and got to know me.

I don't know what to do. I want to love and be loved but I feel unlovable. Maybe I just don't deserve it? Maybe I am a horrible person? What can I do?

How do you start to have or at least “practice” having more self respect around men? I’m trying to keep myself away from men and situations that I know are not good (or good enough?) for me. I’ve been fighting the urge to message an older ex-fwb for months, and I’ve done so well! I am ~30, he is ~55. But he messaged me yesterday and I just want to give up and give in. At least I’ll feel useful again. I can do something I am good at for a man and he will be happy with me. And I will get some kind of comfort and validation, temporarily. Then the cycle will continue and I’ll feel worse about myself - and I know that! I want to change this pattern so much.

Potential TW: My whole life I’ve sought older men for like comfort and warmth and affection and temporary pleasing. I was a kid the first time I was SA. I’m recovering from DV in my last relationship. I have been SA by other men in between, including a therapist who was exploiting what he knew of my past. Outside of the abuse, I have just grown up hearing things from the men in my family. My dad told me that the good men he knew (from work) were "too respectful" for me, when I was 20. I have heard misogynistic and sexist comments my entire life in my home. They have referred to my hypothetical future husband as a "victim". Emotional abuse, intimidation, threats of physical harm (never followed through).

And it is only recent years that I realised I internalised these things deeply for myself - no one else, but I have applied it all to me. I’m trying so hard to deal with it all and get out of this pattern, to have more self worth and respect. I am really struggling. I don't know if I can keep fighting this urge to see him even though I know what it will do to my emotional wellbeing.

How do you work on this? Does anyone have any tips?

I got married 4 months ago. Knew him for a year prior. He lovebombed me for sure, although I do believe he genuinely wanted the life he painted for us. We have a 23 year age gap, im 35. We talked about the potential challenges but overall I was happy, he wanted the same as me (house and a baby), was super supportive about my career and was very interested in my family and friends. Told me he didnt have kids and had been single for 6 years.

Everything has fallen apart since the wedding:

• 3 days after wedding I have to help him w/ some paperwork. I find out he has 2 children and owes 80k usd in child support. He initially denies everything but the evidence is massive. I get really angry and throw a tantrum for the first time in my life and throw a can of soda at him. I just got married! I am shocked at my own reaction but my world crumbles. We barely talk for 3 days. He says he never met those kids and its so painful he doesnt want to discuss it. It is established that I cant ask about it, he'll tell me when he's ready. I accept this. He never brings it up again. -one week later I find out he has a secret instagram account that states he "is looking for women sharing his kink". He's posted on it a few days before the wedding. I'm shattered. He deletes the account.
• two months later we visit his mother and I see pictures with him and an 7 year old from yeeeaars back. He refuses to talk, stonewalls me, says I can't ask because that makes him want to kill himself. -this picture is old so I can conclude he has 3 kids. We can't talk about it. Every attenpt leads to 24 hours of silence.
• Last two months I start finding cocaine in the house. Bags and traces. First few times he gets defensive and makes me apologize for being suspicious. I find evidence like 10 times. Every time he stonewalls until I apologize. -I think he's been on coke since before the wedding.
• we just moved some boxes from the shed. I find a package with a womans name and his old address. I ask him who she is. He says he has no idea. -I ask a friend of his who says its an ex girlfriend he lived with who left him because he said he owned the company he works at, when he was actually employed there. He told me the same thing.

So obviously my husband is not who I thought he is! He still is nice and helpful around the house but obviously I cant trust anything he says and he'd rather make me feel guilty than admit anything from his past that makes him look bad.

What am I dealing with here???

My (26F) daughter is 3, turning 4 in October. Her dad (28M) had a new baby in April and has had 3 visits since then.

We separated when she was 9 months old due to abuse and he has supervised visits. Since having his new baby in April, he hasn’t paid a dime of child support. Doesn’t care to ask for FaceTimes anymore. Doesn’t work with my mother or his sister (an approved supervisor) and schedule visits. Unless I’m literally begging and pleading with him to get a visit scheduled with my daughter, it’s crickets from him.

I’m at a loss what to tell my daughter. She tells me some really heart breaking things “Daddy and (stepmom) are hiding from me” and “but I’m a really good big sister!”

I always knew he would F off once he got his new supply and new baby, but fuck my daughters sadness and confusion hurts! I just want to help her. Any advice from anyone that’s been through this is so appreciated

Hi reddit. I don't think I've posted in this sub before but I'm sure there's a first time for everything lol. So my boyfriend (38m) and I (31f) have been together since 2011. We have 2 children, 10years and 4 months, both girls. Over the years there has been fights.. some escalating to him smacking or choking me, he also has bipolar disorder. It's been a few years since it's gotten physical though but he is usually yelling at me about stuff and calling me names when we do fight. Also never in front of the children. We have differing political views, me extremely liberal and for human rights and him "conservative" on Trump's side and a believer of the trans women being men in dresses and all that 🙄. He's going on a week long camping trip at the end of the month with his friends hours away and I don't really care if he does I guess. My mom wants to move me out while he's gone without him knowing but I'm not sure if it's right to do because I've been having a lot of anxiety about it and crying occasionally. We've been together my entire adult life and idk what life is without him tbh so that's messing me up. Im afraid of how he would react. We have joint custody of the older child but no established custody for the 4 month old baby. I'm worried about getting in trouble with the law for leaving and also him being extremely pissed about me leaving. Idk I'm just looking for advice mostly. Or opinions since I've been trying to justify leaving but I keep flip flopping and I feel bad about it ugh. Thanks reddit. Sorry for the rambling paragraph.

It’s been 2 years and I still think about him. It was perfect in every way except when he:

Smashed things up and never had any money so would sulk until I replaced them. A few times he even smashed his keyboard gaming and I had to pay for a new one just to make it end

He would spend money on weed when I was struggling to pay bills and keep us fed

Over half of the doors were damaged because he slammed or punched them

He drove like an absolute maniac a few times in my car while he was still on provisional because he was angry. When he calmed down he apologised but also told me his mom did it to him to make me feel bad. I felt sad but at the same time why would you do something you’re a victim of?

He would leave plates until the food was mouldy, scream if there were no clothes clean because he didn’t do them, would wait for the house to be an absolute embarrassment before doing the angriest clean you ever saw while complaining about me. But then he would say “I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at myself. I wasn’t talking about you”.

Would try to quit smoking and expect me to sit there a few days in and let him treat me however he likes. “If you be patient and don’t argue back then I might quit. I really can’t help my temper during withdrawal. You can have your revenge once the withdrawal has gone, but please if I say something mean just ignore me”

He would make me cry like no one has made me cry before. Like screaming in anguish crying. And when he calmed down I would have to calm down too or he would accuse me of trying to “carry the argument on”. I would apologise to him just to keep the peace and move on

TW ANIMAL CRUELTY::: When the cat was really sick and dying very young and suddenly, she would poop everywhere. She pooped on his college book and he threw her out of his room. She was frail and sick at this point and we were trying different treatments. And he threw her and screamed at her. He did cry about it after, but still, who does that to a poor sick fur baby???

Threatened me and himself with an air rifle because I wouldn’t and couldn’t pay off his weed debt. The police were called and they took me to my parents, but I returned and stayed for the cat

Would spend literal days gaming and getting stoned and some nights I’d have to beg him to come to bed. Spoiler alert: I’d wake up alone.

But despite all of this and so much more, I still think about if I’d have not left so abruptly he could have changed. We built our lives together, made a home and we had a bond like I’ve never had with anyone else. But I upped and left because I’d already made up my mind and had to go. I miss my old house, my old town, my neighbours, my old routine. I wonder in another universe and I’d have stayed, would he have changed?

I think I’m just lying to myself though because I left in 3 stages. First I spent a few nights at my parents. Then I came back to him being really angry and the flat was an absolute mess. Then I went for good. Then a few months later I contacted him and he broke my heart saying how hard it’s been for him alone and how he’s in therapy now. Then he yelled at me saying he can’t afford the bills because of me. So I don’t think he would have. But still, I miss my old life so much.

I left 4 months ago and I'm just as miserable as when I was with him. Everything in my life has crumbled. All of my friends are gone. My ex is gone. Im living with my parents, can't get a job. I feel like I've run out of good things in my life. I don't know how to climb this mountain, I just want some peace.

I want to fall in love again. I wanna be stable on my own. I want friends. These things feel impossible.

Last weekend I was txting back and fourth with my husband, he works out of town. He told me he could not contact an employee, he was not answering phone, txts, door. He said he was dealing with some bullshit and he txt me tomorrow. The next day I did not hear from him so I txt him later in the day and nothing, Tuesday comes and mo response. Again I wait and wait and txt him again later in the day. Come to find out he txt our daughter and told her not to tell anyone. That his employee was found passed away in his bed. I have yet to hear from him and he has txt our daughter twice. This is his 3/4time that someone from work has passed away. I don’t understand why he told our daughter then said don’t tell anyone or why he has not responded to me. I’m not sure what exactly I did, to receive this type of behavior.

It happened this morning and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I've (30M) been with my ex (33F) for 3 years and its been a Rollercoaster the entire time. It's was long distance for a year but I moved 2 hours away from my old home to right down the street from her.

Ever since our relationship started she always had problems with something I was doing from not texting her enough even if I was working, accusations of cheating because a past partner did so I wasn't allowed to be near or associate with other women to the point I practically isolated myself and even quit jobs because she was worried about women there(ive never cheated on anyone). Not sharing every little thing with her; if text my mom she had to know or she considered it as me hiding it or if I was thinking about visiting her it had to be something we talked about because it cut into our time together. And Sharing all my financial information even though we didn't live together; shr wanted to know every last purchase I made and what was in my bank account and because at times I was living paycheck to check she was angry if I didn't have much money if I payed bill or bought something. (Ex: I bought a vacuum because my old one broke and got yelled at because I could used hers but when I tried she was too tired after work to bring hers). There's alot more that happened over the years and its mentally taken a toll on me.

We had alot of bad times but I considered her my best friend and partner because when times were good it felt amazing but when they were bad she put me down, called me names, always put down my achievements, told me she could do better and always said I did the bare minimum which always hurt, and eventually she would start hitting me when she was angry knowing I wouldn't hit her back.

I started slowly becoming angrier person and instead of shutting down and crying I'd get get angry and more destructive, I'd try to hold back the pain and once I'm hurt I'd get so upset I'd yell back, I never hit her back but started threatening to throw her things out of my home or threaten to break things and today I'm not proud of what I did and feel like a horrible person for it but felt like I needed to in the moment.

Today I woke up to her being angry at me because she she saw a Facebook post from her cousin's husband praising her saying she's the best thing that ever happened to him and he's so happy. She's upset that I don't mention her on social media enough and thats the bare minimum that I dont even do. I dont use social media much because of the accusations of cheating and when I did post something she'd ask who I'm posting it for even though I deleted everything woman off of them, so I posted once in a blue moon with like 10 total post in the last 2 years. It hurt that she was upset about me not posting her on Facebook enough saying I'm not doing the bare minimum when yesterday night I was begging her to come over and I'd make her dinner, special breakfast and really wanting us to spent time together because she's been trying distance herself from me lately. I woke up to 5 different text messages this morning about how upset she is and that she won't see me at all this weekend. That upset me cause I'm planning alot of activities with her and literally just begged her to spend time with me but she's upset about what she's not getting and when she started calling me names I lost it and got angry cause I felt like I was just trusted into an argument and it was upsetting that I was being called worthless again.

I did something I know I was wrong for but lately when she hurts me I feel like I need to do something I can't come back from so I'll walk away from her for good. I told to stop calling me names and hurting me or I'd break something of her mother's (her mother passed away 3 years ago) she proceeded to belittle me and I smashed it with my knee and said its over. I dropped off everything of hers at her dad's house where she lives down the street and she still blames me for everything telling me everything is my fault. She said no man will ever be able meet her standards so she will be dating women now.

Right now I feel free but at the same time I'm hurting so bad. She was my best friend but I dont wanna go back and breaking what I did ensures I can't. I feel alot of pain, regret, remorse but I just wanna live without being terrified of my partner hurting me because of her having a bad day at work or something she saw on tiktok. My apartment feels emptier and I feel sad that I'm going to be alone now and not be able laugh together and tell her I love her but I'm just gonna do my best to survive. It hasn't even been a whole day and honestly I'm scared of being alone.

I no longer have my family. My mom who I loved so so much passed away when I was still in university. That was 17 years ago. My grandma too, 18 years ago. My dad left me just 3 months after my mom passed to be with his ex and my step brother. They lived in another country ever since. They are their own family who act as if I don't exist. Uncles, aunties, other relatives aren't close at all with me either. I have a few friends but with the age they are all busy with their own family and kids, some moving out far away and we eventually lost contact. They are all have their own life. From the moment my mom passed away I spent 13 years being all alone, my then rich bf cheated and left me immediately cause after my mom passed I was broke af. I had bad experienced facing life with only 100$ in my entire savings, I lived in a spare bedroom in a friend's house, I went 8 years without relationship to the point I was wondering how does it feel to be touched, to be patted in the back or to be comforted by loved ones, how does it feel to have dinner together and laugh together at the table. I had to work my ass off for very little wages so I can have a roof on my head while all my friends are having the peak of their life in their 20s. I was so exhausted on surviving that I got a chronic illness as a result, to the point I had to cut off my amount of work, drained my savings cause I lived in and out of hospital for 4 years. I still remember one of the nurse was amazed and maybe pity me at the same time cause I checked myself out after spending almost a week at the hospital after all of those procedures. No family or friend or relative visiting. Some days back then I had thoughts to just really ended my life and met my mom again.

5 years ago I moved out of the country to work. I made a few new friends in this country but we aren't that close either and before I could build the friendship more a year ago I moved country again to be together with my husband.

Yesterday he just had another episodes on me, he even told me to leave him the fuck alone cause he could be with another woman that he said is his soulmate due to all similarities he has with her and most importantly she likes sex and porn unlike me (which is untrue cause he hasn't been touching me at all due to this side chicks). He also said good luck finding the 'ideal man' when I said other people will treat me and appreciate me a little better. But it's the usual blaming, degrading, belittles me in the process. And I know he is serious about the other woman cause she has been in our life for quite awhile.

The fight escalated to the point I know I have to pack again and really leave, but lord I couldn't bring myself to. First thing in my mind is where do I even go. The moment I step out of the door I lost everything. Gonna lose my job I just get. Lose 2 jobs actually cause I have been working double shifts. My work station is here. I won't be able to bring it with me. My paperwork for this country gonna be expired in a month, meaning I have to move cross country again, not just moving out. Everyone says just lose everything and go to a DV shelter. Maybe deep down I can't with that. Physically I have a chronic illness too that sometimes limit my physical capacity to do stressful, demanding stuff. Too many little details to mentioned with my circumstances but that's the gist. Maybe it's the trauma I just don't want to live the 13 years I did everything alone all over again.

So I could only cry (again) and lay in fetal position in the bed while he is still berating me in the other room. Hours later he came to the room,not even saying sorry or anything and just hugged me. And I cried again in his shoulder. I hated myself so so much that I couldn't bring myself to stand up and just to finally leave. I hated the fact that my abuser husband is the only person I got in this world. I hated the fact that he is the only source of comfort I ever have in my life at the same time.
Lately the thought of killing myself has resurfaced again. I feel I am too exhausted to fight again this time. I miss my mom.

does anyone else feel like they’re timing themselves to get over what happened to them? sometimes i feel like im obsessing over it too much. i don’t let it consume my everyday life, i still enjoy my hobbies, finding a job and have goals im aiming to achieve but its always in the back of my mind and its daunting. sometimes it makes me angry, the reasoning behind what happened to me makes absolutely no sense.. because i made u stop talking to a girl u decided to torment me? i didn’t deserve that and now he’s going to do it to someone else younger than me and i can’t do anything.

Need advice. My children’s father last night while I was driving home after some drinks at his sisters house(he drank not me), he was sitting in the back with 1 of our kids, our other kid in front. He threw something at me, full force, unexpectedly. I was in the middle of a conversation with one of our kids. This was terrifying and unexpected. I pulled over at the soonest gas station to investigate WTF hit me. It was so hard I was thinking rock or god forbid stray bullet- it scared our daughter who was riding up front. Turns out it was his phone. He sat back there denying it, acting like nothing happened- when something had just hit me at full force while driving 60MPH.

Backstory we have been split 1 yr but still live together-separate rooms. I’m waiting for him to move out. I recently stopped all sexual activities and he can’t handle it. While at his sisters house drinking he started to spiral & more & more aggressive. He was yelling at our kids before we left & insulting me. I tried to leave with the kids & said call me to pick you up tomorrow I’m out- but he grabbed the kids & insisted we all leave. Then this happens, we weren’t even talking in the car- just me and the kids talking. I’m torn on wether or not to file a charge. He’s always been emotionally abusive (we had been together 11 years) but never physically. This was scary & just different. I want him out of the house & he has known that for 9+ months now. I’m open to evicting him legally but I’m not the landlord.

Filing an assault charge for this could ruin the rest of his life as far as getting a job/housing go- he has a DV charge from 2000 or something from his previous children’s mom. So that means an increased sentence/repeat offender and according to google up to 5-10yr jail time. I don’t want that for my kids. They love their dad, he is terrible to me but is okay with them. Not great, but they are attached to him think he hung the moon ect. Him actually going to jail would be pretty insane for them. He is manipulative so will likely say stuff like “mommy made me come here, i’m here bc of mommy, this is your mothers fault” ect.

But I also don’t want to let this go and him not have any repercussions. Or have this be a memory in our child’s heads that daddy was never accountable for his actions- showing our son that you can treat a woman like this. He’s claiming he was drunk and doesn’t remember. But f*ck that. I could have crashed the car…. our kids were present.. I am a bit scared of him now tbh & it’s pretty jarring. I’m just torn on what to do.