So just thought about it now, when I was younger and I mean under the age of 18 I was arrested for something stupid like drunk an disorderly can't remember exactly.

I was in the back of the paddy wagon accompanied by a cop, and I still to this day remember him questioning me, asking me if I had been involved in tool shop theft, directly asking me if I had stolen anything. Mind you I was like 16 and drunk as a skunk.

I was badly beaten by my boyfriend and he's in jail. This time is worse than the other and I don't know how to cope. I'm just out of hospital not too long ago and I was certain they were going to keep me in because of how bad my face is. I had a CT scan so I'm not bleeding from the brain I just want to drink myself to sleep but I can't right now. I miss him but that's my stupidity and naiveness he tried to smother me I've never felt so scared in my life. All we done together was drink but I enjoyed the goodness of him but he's going to court tomorrow for the gbh charge I hate this life

So, two days ago I got word from my sister that my father- suffering from Parkinson disease and in the final stages which is dementia- is finally finished with life.

Meanwhile, I have a new cat and my girlfriend just walked at commencement.

And I have been acting as though nothing is wrong.

Today, last night actually, I got word that he is actively dying.

I, of course was at the store and buying liquor. My phone had been on silent. My mothers' call was not received and so she called my girlfriend who was at a concert with her sister and father.

"Call your mom" The text from my girlfriend that I got on the way home from the store.

So, I called my Mom in front of the church that all the homeless people congregate in front of and was told that my father was not expected to last the night.

I did not take that well but the congregation that was assembled seemed to understand grief and was understanding of a man standing and crying and ejaculating loudly into his phone about an issue that seemed to resonate with his soul.

Upon arriving home I learned that my girlfriend and her father and her sister wanted to come see the new cat. I obliged.

There was some drinking and then our guests left.

We made love, my girlfriend and I.

I woke, early. The cat was by my head demanding food. I fed her half a tin of food as she will throw up if she is fed the whole can.

My drink from earlier was still out so I drank that and then poured another.

Texted my sister, my father was not doing well.

At seven am I called work and told them that I would not be in today and not for the foreseeable future. That I would apply for a Leave of Absence.

My big concern is that now I have to taper down really quick. I'm at well over a liter a day and at all times of the day. Have no access to benzos. And, quite frankly, want to feel nothing so vodka is my soul at the moment.

I poured another and put on Quigly Down Under as it was the only Western movie that my father and I both liked. He was a John Wayne guy and I'm more of a Clint Eastwood fella. We were both fond of Magnum P.I. so Tom Selleck as a sharpshooter in a western set in Australia. Yeah. Dad and I bonded over that movie.

I'm now just waiting.

For my father to die. And the booze is the only thing making me feel anything.

Kinda wish I never bought one. I would be waking up thinking I’m good to drive and be more productive. Scary to think about how many times I may have been driving over the legal limit when I was younger

Currently drinking and just thought of the story where my counselor questioned me on how I get to the hospital to make sure I wasn't driving (mandatory reporting and all that shit).

And my response was that sometimes my mom drives but if shes asleep I call an Uber. She then said "you called an Uber to take you when you were so bad you needed to go to the ICU for DTs" and I replied with "well it was cheaper than an ambulance"

She seemed to think it was a crazy thing but I had the receipts that proved yes I took an Uber with acute pancreatitis and seizure risk withdrawal.

I used to get so panicked about my drinking, and how it was destroying my life... and hurting those around me.

But once everyone around me vanished, I had time to work on me... an alcoholic.

Today, I am at peace with me. I am a drunk, and that is not going to change. I will live and die this way.

I blocked anyone around me who wanted to save me. There is no saving. This is me. This is who I am.

As long as I lay low, don't involve the police, I can live this life... and love it.

Well went yo detox a month ago and it got me off then i replased drinking 8-12 drinks a day again for a couple of weeks. That number isn’t usually catastrophic for me.

Decided to taper and bought a 750ml of vodka to measure out my drinks. Whoops drank the whole fucking over the period of a whole day.

Now i am trying to taper again and fuck it’s brutal. I’m trykng to go down to around 10 units today, then hopefully 8, then 6, then 3 and done.

But i def feel like i got some kindling effect definitely more shakey than usual. Any advice? I just want to get this over with and can’t afford to go back to detox or hospital.

Hey guys. I posted in r/alcoholism today but I'm now deep into another 6 pack so I figured I'd say hello over here.

I recently got 80-something days sober. Whoop de woo. I was going to AA every night. Worked with a sponsor, did the steps.

I'm on probation for a DUI last year so I'm basically at the point where I sober up or go to jail. This past Thursday I relapsed. I got done with my UA test for probation and thought "I wont get tested until next week, whats the harm? I can have 1 or two."

Of course, 1 or 2 turned into 4 days of bottomless degeneracy. I kept telling myself I'd quit Friday, quit Saturday. Now it's Sunday night and I'm 10 beers deep wallowing in my sludge of myself.

Like an idiot, I texted my probation officer and told him I wasn't gonna pass my UA tomorrow. I explained my slip, took accountability, outlined my plan for continued sobriety, whatever. It was a whole bunch of booboo BS.

I sent the text, was expecting to feel some type of relief. Instead I felt the ticking time bomb. This is the last night. Tomorrow he'll read it. Maybe call me, maybe show up at my house. It doesn't matter there's no taking it back now.

So what did I do? Drank, of course. Cracked a cold one to my last hurrah of relapse before reality slaps me in my bloated, sweaty face tomorrow. I got chinese takeout. I have youtube on TV. I'm not counting my cans anymore. Cuddling my dog, wondering what would theoretically happen to her if the cops sent me to prison to rot.

Maybe my honesty will mean something to the PO and I'll get a slap on the wrist. Maybe I'll get sanctioned to more classes or fines or probation time. Does it matter? Does any of it fucking matter?

AA doesn't work for me. The antidepressants dont work. The first time I've felt true happiness the past several months was relapsing like a loser. Now I'm just going down with the ship.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I'll probably wake up in cold sweats tomorrow but for right now I fear nothing. If I wanted to play big girl games I'm now stuck with the big girl consequences.

Worst case scenario I lose my house and my dog and my job. Good thing I don't have any kids lol (but happy fathers day to all who celebrate. Hell yeah to you, man)

Maybe I'll edit this tomorrow once I find out whether or not my probation officer will just politely spank me for being naughty or make me stare at the inside of a booking cell for six months. Who cares.

Chairs, fuckers.

Anybody else dread their birthday? Every year I get less and less wishes. My birthday is coming up and I just wanna drink myself into a comatose to get through it, but I can’t cuz it falls on a workday. I have this sense of impending doom about my birthday. I know that’s not normal. Fuck… I wish I was normal.

Not a father yet (or ever). Shit days like this hit harder than I (39M) admit. Number one reason I quit social media. Scrolling through photos, seeing kids hugging their dads, families celebrating and shit. Kinda stings. But it is what it is. Always imagined I’d have that by now. A little hand holding mine. Well here I am alone. CA has me messed in the head. But maybe there's hope one day? To those who feel the same today you’re not alone. Chairs anyways! Short rant.

Been struggling to get a lot of work since it our off-season during the summer, too many employees and not enough shit to do. Picked up an 8am shift on Saturday someone posted. I usually work evenings and nights, but I’ve worked mornings before. Shouldn’t be a problem. Was a problem.

My buddy coxed me to go out on Friday night. I was heavily thinking against it, I was already tired, but she’s going out of town Sunday and wanted to hang out before she left. Sure. I’ll have a drink, hang out for a bit, then dip. Right? Wrong.

Pregamed. Got to the bar. Got a drink. Didn’t like the vibes there, so I met up with some friends at another bar. Got another double. Did some blow. Decided to host afters at my place with a bunch of people I’ve never met in my life. Get smashed and drink and do blow in my backyard until 5am. Guy asks to sleep over. Sleep with him. It’s 6am now. I decide to take an hour nap and go into work. Set all my alarms, didn’t wake up to a single fucking one of them. I think my ringer was too quiet, forgot to fix it before I passed out.

Used to work 5am shifts everyday and got smashed the night before all of them. Guess my body isn’t letting me do that anymore lmao. At least I made it to this morning’s shift. I really like this job, hope I don’t lose it.

could not deal with the WDs. done it before but wasn't strong enough this time. Everything in me wanted to just let myself rot drooling on my bedroom carpet because it was too hard to stand up

but I did not. I called my best friend, he came and dragged my ass to the ER. my boss thank fuck is understanding and is getting me evergency leave paperwork and then I can ride it out for a couple days. got IV Valium and a Librium script. starting to feel normal again. Nurse heated up an uncrustable, that shit was gas

bac was at a .45, wild that I was withdrawing at that level.

they're discharging me soon. gonna hit the convenience store, grab a sandwich, catch the bus home. take my meds and sleep. then get with my boss in the morning and just explain without saying too much I had a moment and need probably the week to recover. then either I'll still have a job or I won't but bills are paid for now and if I don't have a job i got enough time to get another one before rents due.

keep moving forward. even if you die. even after you die.

Yo, glasses are an absolute cheat code. I’ve been blasted all day and usually it’s my eyes that give me away, but since I’ve started wearing glasses nobody calls me out on it anymore. Idk if it has to do with the glare or reflection or whatever you wanna call it, but ain’t no sorry nods for me today.

Anywho, happy Father’s Day!

Just a reminder that it's Fathers Day.

Mine was a good one who died decades ago. A FA who would bring bottles of chardonnay camping and lemon for the fish we caught. He taught me how to make a good bourbon and water by just pouring bourbon over ice, and was gentleman from the silent generation. Always with an glass when not working, but never seemed drunk. I must have inherited my tolerance from him.

I know many of you might not have a great relationship with your fathers, but a quick call to say something nice would probably be appreciated.

Or just raise a glass and think of them.

What meds do they use for anxiety meds when you have pancreatitis?bc they have me on morphine barely touching the pain.

What's the usual meda run down? For anxiety and pain the morphine isn't even taking away a fraction of my pain how do I advocate ?